When him and I were parting ways
He left me with one single phrase
"Don't go back to him"
I thought he ceased to remember
Of my affections for you, still tender
And it shook me where I stood
Because I never thought I could
Due to distances between hearts
And many years apart
I never thought you thought of me
What an insecure mentality
That turned out to be untrue
And now I am here with you
What an ironic twist of fate
That has been plopped on to my plate

I'm scared for the girl
Sitting across from me in a hijab
Looking at her phone
Fear in her eyes, panic in her mind
We live in uncertain times

In reality
Any leader is only as powerful
As the volume of supporters
The people who feed into the violence
And the hate that is spat in their general direction
From all directions, from many people
They can choose to absorb it
Or ignore it completely
And keep living their lives in love
Reach out their hand to a stranger
Someone who may be in trouble
Someone belittled for believing
In something different from the normal
Diversity is what makes us remarkable

The saddest part
Is that I am concerned as to whether
The beautiful people I see
Are scared by me frequently looking over at them
Just a white, privileged, middle class girl
Trying to depict them in a poem
Articulating how I pledge to be there
To demonstrate that not everyone
Is scared of what they don't know
What is different from their own

The woman that lies within
A 5' 3" frame, chocolate hair, Irish name
Laughs too loud, embarrasses herself
Would give up so much for someone else
The strangest things could make her cry
She is afraid of being hurt and butterflies
Writing helps her cope
She loves the smell of Old Spice soap
Food is love and she cooks often
Seeing true emotion makes her heart soften
When she feels, she feels it all
She tapes writings up on her wall
Habla Español y le encanta
Caring for others is her mantra
She's silly, loud, inappropriate, and sure
And it is enough just being her

How silly and fickle I am
To let you affect me
In a way I don't understand
Like there was force
An invisible string
Pulling me to you
Tugging and weaving me
Through winding roads
Having conversations past midnight
In a car with headlights
That illuminate trees whizzing by
Set to playlists I always listen to
Music I've never actually shared
Moments never actually experienced

I just don't think I could stand
To be hurt by you again
I pour myself out so easily
I don't leave anything to the imagination
My heart opens so easily
But I need to be guarded
I need to protect myself
I need to be your friend
And right now it needs to be enough
And there's no way you couldn't know
How difficult this is for me
It is
I feel like if I were to be near you
I would disintegrate entirely
I maybe would lose myself again
I really don't know how I will feel
And that scares me more than anything
I've just built you up in my mind
For so many years, I forget
What it's like to have your entire attention
For a single instance in time and space
Just us for a moment after years of apathy
I'm curious, who have you grown up to be?

Maybe it would give me some clarity
I feel like maybe that's all I really need
It's impossible to know anything about you
Unless I look you in the eyes and feel it's true

I've worked so hard
To be where I am
To be somewhat okay
By myself
And to be strong
In some regards
And here you are
Are you different?
I need to know
Before I am more
Invested
I've woven so much
Of my heart into you
Over the years
Over so many circumstances
But I need you
To show me you actually care
To want to know
What I'm up to
What I think and feel
To feel like you actually care
About who I truly am
I'm not a back up
A second plan
An alternate route
A drifting thought
Because I can't be that girl
Not for you
Not again
I know with all certainty
I can't stand to be hurt
Not by you
Not again

How familiar was it
To feel you so close to me
Yet physically far away
Simultaneously

To know you have experienced
The same pains and thoughts
And all along, over time
I believed it was only me

Talking to you once more
Made me feel like I reconnected
To one of my oldest friends
That I lost touch with, suddenly

But I know that all of the time
Was worth something
Like the years we spent apart
Helped me grow, personally

Loving someone else gave me perspective
It taught me so much about myself
It taught me about the heart
In all of its beautiful complexities

I didn't quite understand myself
The things I felt, the way I never
Could forget about everything
Even though I felt pathetically

You may know, you may not
Of the depths of my heart
Its layers and intricacies
Are sometimes even a mystery to me

I just know that I can't be dishonest
With myself of all people
It took a while for me to kind of be okay
But I can't pretend that you don't affect me in some kind of way