It's so easy to believe
Through pictures I see
That your life is better
So much better without me

You're going more places
Doing things, meeting people
Smiling brighter, laughing louder
Loving life, never dull

And it's so easy to think
That all of this was because
We broke up, we parted ways
So I think and I pause

But I know I always encouraged you
To go and live out your dreams
I pushed you to explore yourself
But as it now seems

I was just holding you back
From living up to whatever
You're doing now
Your life truly seems better

I saw you again last night
You were in my house
In this dream, I lived on the first floor
Of some elaborate vintage hotel

The opulence that surrounded us
Juxtaposed the dissonance
Of our internal dispositions
The true feelings we never shared

You were in my room
You kissed me and I knew
Something wasn't right
Really, something wasn't right
Even in real life

So I started to project
My true and honest feelings
Like I felt I never totally could
Wanting what I wanted
Seemed to be the opposite of yours
And I never wanted to let you down

Always the opposite, never the same
Constant clashing of ideals
Never peace, torn in between
What I wanted and what you said you needed

So I finally told you, I needed to be done
If not for my own sake, then for yours
So we didn't self destruct
And completely tear each other apart

As I said those words
You said some in return
About how you thought something
Had always been wrong
That hit deep in my soul because I knew it too

I didn't want to admit that
I wasn't ready to love you
I was emotionally closed off
But thought I could squeeze you in there
Along with all the other feelings
I was too ashamed to tell you about

So I let it go
I let us build up the hope
Of something permanent
When I didn't feel ready
I felt like I was partly participating
And partly spectating
Only half committed
Because you only had half my heart
And I can't help how I felt
I just did a ****** job
Of handling it and not being honest

I couldn't tell you
That the reason I couldn't tell you
That I wanted to be with you forever
Was because I didn't see it like you did
You said I was your world
And I can't help that I didn't feel it
There was nothing you could have done
To make yourself my entire world
You knew you weren't and you tried hard
You really tried to make me love you more
I wasn't ready, I was so preoccupied
With still loving a boy that was never mine
He wasnt ready for me like I wasn't ready for you
Constantly wanting the inaccessible
It was my fault I said yes when I didn't know
I loved you yes, but I could have loved you more

So, for that, I'm sorry
I can't fix the things I did
And my heart hurts that I hurt yours
I'm sorry for not being honest
But I'm not sorry
For being myself
And for chasing my dreams
For leaving home
Even though you were left alone

It was familiar
But not the same
Nothing looked exact
Just a counterfeit
Of what I knew

I talked to your family
In my hazy dream
Mid sentence, you entered
I looked over at you
And broke down

I sobbed like I forgot I could
I just grabbed on to you and cried
For us, the mess we made
Trying to love each other
In these crazy lives we lead

You looked different, you weren't you
And I couldn't help but say
How everything looked different
In between choking on tears
That's all I could say

I clung to you because I needed to
Because I needed you
I sobbed into your chest and shook
As I did so many times before
As I'll never do again

But you were only there as a form
You looked at me with sympathy
But without the same convictions
Without the same emotions
I cried harder

I shouted out for you last night
Said your name, reached to feel you
Because as I'm trying to move on
It's hard to not extend towards you
To hold the hand I grew to know

And as I write this, fully awake
I need to walk away from it all
Because I'm afraid my roommate will see me
Crying at the kitchen table

Asphyxiating on your shadow
Suffocating in the great lack
Smothered by selfishness
Stifled by cognizance
Strangled by an invisible grasp