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Apr 2019 · 107
death of a salesman
cameran Apr 2019
hello friend,

i haven't seen you in a while and i was wondering how you were?
do you still think about me the way i think about you?
hopefully i'll see you soon old friend.

love.
Mar 2019 · 115
a girl
cameran Mar 2019
it's different for a girl.
the first time I had ***, i was drunk and he didn't love me, but everyone else was doing it, so i did it too.
i don't remember everything, but i remember how quiet it was all around us and how small i felt.
he didn't kiss me at all and we didn't really look at each other and when it was over he kissed me on the forehead and left me alone to walk home.
i felt excited at first, like i was finally an adult. i expected to wake up the next morning with all the answers, and that i'd look like a different person.

i didn't look any different, and the only thing i felt, was sore.

the emptiness set in, and the exhilaration rotted into shame.
i wasn't in love, i didn't remember it that well and i knew i hadn't been ready.

although, i'll never admit that to anyone.

it's different for a girl.
Mar 2019 · 206
seven pounds
cameran Mar 2019
sometimes i wonder if there will ever be a day where i can eat a slice of cake and not want to die after.
"I am suffering."
Feb 2019 · 95
public transit
cameran Feb 2019
i always have this fleeting feeling deep down, it comes in quiet hours, when i should be sleeping. i’m supposed to be somewhere else than where i am, i just don’t know the name of that place or why the universe wants me there so bad. it’s like i’m constantly running late for the bus or that i’ve been invited to a party but i get none of the details. it’s this nameless phantom that haunts me and pulls me deeper, but i’ll never have a mean of escape. when will i be free of this feeling?
“sorry sir, i don’t have a ticket.”
Jan 2019 · 154
vodka valiance
cameran Jan 2019
i tell you i love you as ***** from my lips stains your ear canal,
it burns in me, something i’ve been too uppity to admit  
i hope you hear me over all the music
and i wish it stained your heart in the same way as your ears
i love you   i won’t stutter over it or sail under it

i love you i love you i love you

i’ll die saying it, i’ll live believing in it
i’ll chant it away and pray that it leaves


but it won’t, so please say it back

i love you i love you i love you
a love poem for someone who’ll never love me because we never had the timing
Jan 2019 · 96
sucking
cameran Jan 2019
sometimes, the easiest
thing to destroy
is yourself
“i’ve already ****** up 2019”
Dec 2018 · 95
threadbare
cameran Dec 2018
it's nighttime and i am laying back in bed.

my pillows are cotton and they rub against my neck as i try to get comfortable. i never really do. i play with the loose thread of my comforter, and wrap it around my finger until the tip turns purple, i wonder for a moment, what would happen if i let the feeling spread until the top of my pointer is useless? suddenly, i hear your favorite song play in my head. it is soft. soft and rolling and it gives me the same feeling as my thread wrapped finger. i feel weightless and useless just like the crimson, shaded pad of my pointer. your song grows louder while everything else grows more quiet. i didn't know it was possible for this amount of silence to exist, it felt as if my skull grew transparent and all my thoughts began floating around the room like tiny lulling clouds. your song is drifting into the ceiling, i hope it floats through and up and up all the way to the moon. then it will settle there amongst the rubble and it will play it's rolling melody for all the stars. maybe they'll all fall asleep and it will be completely dark and completely quiet. the song just grows louder instead, so loud it begins to ring in my ears like a symphony of tiny, little bells. it rises and rises and i wrap the thread tighter and tighter and i squeeze my eyes closed and i beg. i beg for the song to stop, but it just grows louder. the bells reach their crescendo and it's then that i realize that the thread was not wrapped around my finger but my heart, and i was painfully, irrefutably, regrettably in love.

the song finally stopped.
"stuck on the puzzle by alex turner"
Nov 2018 · 112
game night
cameran Nov 2018
i’ve learned that some
people try to find as
many pieces of themselves
in others as possible.

even if the pieces are
a bit chipped and
they don’t fit exactly right,
they need them to feel whole.

and then there are the
people that seek out
the unattainable pieces,
the ones they know will
never fit, the pieces to a
very different puzzle.

because it gives them
an excuse to remain
alone, pieceless.
not sure which i am
Nov 2018 · 116
bob dylan
cameran Nov 2018
one of the hardest things
i've ever had
to learn is
that you can want
someone so deeply,
and they may not
share the same feeling.
you can believe in them
like a form of religion,
you could wish for them
on every birthday candle
and every eyelash,
you could close your eyes
and imagine their voice
and how their hand
would feel in yours,
you could cry for them
or shout
or fall apart in front of them,
and still,
they wouldn't want you back.
"for you pigeon toes."
Aug 2018 · 105
stallions
cameran Aug 2018
i liked to take the highway home when the weather was warm.

i would roll down all the windows and blast some obscure song by some nameless artist, but i liked it, it made me feel good. i would sing at the top of my lungs and brush the hair that stuck to my face back into my messy ponytail. i would smile as the last licks of the sun cast shadows on my dashboard, and blow past the exit i was supposed to get off at. i felt free on these long stretches of roads, like i could go anywhere and be anybody. nothing felt permanent on the road, nothing was waiting for me, no time was ticking by. i loved it, and i've never loved anything that much.

eventually, i would have to turn around and get off and at each stop light and left turn i felt that freedom diminish. by the time i pulled into my driveway it was gone all together. real life was waiting.
"i don't want to grow up."
cameran Nov 2017
i've listened to your dial tone
over and over again,
so much so,
that it's starting to sound
like i love you
"i must have really bad service."
Nov 2017 · 140
one time too many
cameran Nov 2017
one time we sat in the car for six hours and went back and forth playing our favorite songs and told eachother things that would be shameful to say to anyone else. i liked talking to you and looking you in the eyes because they were dark brown, almost black, and i could see myself in the reflection of them every time i looked. i think you developed a nicotine habit that night, i think that was the only development either of us made. the windows fogged up and i started sweating but i didn’t tell you to turn the heat down because you liked it warm and i would do anything for you. you told me i broke your heart three times but i told you that you broke mine hundreds of times so i win, but the truth was, that wasn’t much of a victory at all. you asked what it would be like if we dated. if we broke up. if we ******. if we never saw eachother again. if we fell in love. i said all of that would be easy for us and you agreed. that one time i loved you. i loved you with your tired eyes and unwashed hair and same outfit worn three days straight. i loved you for six hours and you loved me. but not actually. you dropped me off at midnight. you got back together with your girlfriend by eight at night the next day.
one time i pathetically sat in a car for six hours and got my heart broken (again) the next day.

or

one time i realized i needed to move on.
Sep 2017 · 288
looking, looking, looking
cameran Sep 2017
my heart hurts sometimes
because i can't look at you,
i'm not allowed to look,
because you're not mine

if i could look,
i'd want to stare all day,
so maybe it's a good thing
you're not mine
"i wish you were."
Jul 2017 · 175
dragon disorder
cameran Jul 2017
it starts with a burn,
a deep-set fire in the
pit of my stomach,
then comes the rising,
up, up, up, the flames
lick the soft tissue of my throat,
my fingers twitch
and my chest heaves,
i roar each time the
flames leave my mouth,
i cry out for peace,
i cry out for the guilt
to leave my body with each flame,
i cry because i wish
i had control of the fire,
but each time i give in to the twitch,
i cry because the fire has control of me
"do you know how many calories that has?"
or
in which it is not fire i am talking about, but something much worse
Jun 2017 · 166
a true story; part two
cameran Jun 2017
i told you i loved you
and you told me you loved her more
and i got up and knocked over
a pile of solo cups
and went into the shed
in that random backyard
and cried so hard i couldn't breathe
and you didn't leave the party
so i got wasted and high
and i pretended like you didn't exist
and left every twenty minutes
to cry in that ******* shed
and gone was the boy who would answer my calls at two in the morning,
and along went the
dreams of being an astronaut
and feeling like the sun was close enough to melt the ice settled on my skin
because you were my sun
and i got too close
and i got burned
i wish i could go back to part one
Jun 2017 · 166
a goodbye to a friend
cameran Jun 2017
we used to sit in my basement
and listen to the wild youth,
while smoking cigarettes
i stole from my mom
we talked about dying our hair
and moving in together after college
and ******* girls
and making breakfast
and our dreams
and you were my best friend
and now you're just a
person in a story i love to tell
for my friend.
Jun 2017 · 189
wrong number
cameran Jun 2017
you blocked my number,
so i deleted yours, and by deleted,
i meant that i copied it onto a sticky note and stuck it behind my bed,
because i know one day i'll call you,
you won't answer,
but i'll still call.
"the number you reached is out of service."
Mar 2017 · 531
pointe shoes
cameran Mar 2017
when i was little
i wanted to be a ballerina,
now i just want to be able
to get up in the morning
ding. ****. dead.
Jan 2017 · 239
hot metal
cameran Jan 2017
i can not beat you,
so i will break you
bend.
10w
Jan 2017 · 324
sunshine boy
cameran Jan 2017
warm hands,
warm heart
"i love you more and more."
Dec 2016 · 188
revolving doors
cameran Dec 2016
i'll only have you
when she doesn't.
..
Dec 2016 · 448
a true story
cameran Dec 2016
i sit on my porch
after stumbling home
from nights of drinking
and smoking and nameless
faces all contributing to the
reckless reputation of today's
teens. it's cold, i'm cold,
everything is humming and  
buzzing and now i'm cold and
scared. my fingers are twitching
and i can feel the bubbling in
my stomach, i'm anxious to call
you because you're warm and
that's all i want right now.
you are the boy i tell about
my fascination with clouds
and my dream of being an
astronaut if i was smart enough,
and then you say i am smart enough.
i pretend not to hear it.
you are the boy who laughs
when i stumble over my
words and waits patiently
while i ramble on about what
i see while walking home.
you are the only boy i've cried
both to and about.
and while i hiccup and tell
you how sorry i am to wake
you up at one in the morning,
you just "it's fine, i was awake anyway."
we both know you weren't.
and when i hang up and
stare out at the ocean,
all the cold has melted away
and i don't feel so small anymore.
you.
my warmth.
my own personal sun.
i've never loved anyone like you.
Dec 2016 · 184
secret garden
cameran Dec 2016
without you,
i am a flower denied of it's sun
"rain, rain go away."
Dec 2016 · 163
food fight
cameran Dec 2016
i can't gag on your tongue,
so i gag on my fingers instead.
this is disgusting. i am disgusting.
cameran Oct 2016
if i had known that
that was the only time
i'd ever get to hold your hand,
i would have held on longer
"i wouldn't have been drunk either."
Sep 2016 · 123
the wind knows
cameran Sep 2016
i like your smile
and how you smell
and how soft your voice is
and maybe no one knows
how i feel about you,
but the wind knows
and the late drives on
stretches of highways
and smiles up at the sky
know
"i don't like this feeling."
Aug 2016 · 292
the boozy blues
cameran Aug 2016
you'll see me at the bottom of the liquor bottle,
you'll hear my voice in the last sip,
and you'll cry out for me as you stumble,
because just like alcohol,
i'll bleed in your veins for awhile
"i'll be an addiction."
Aug 2016 · 572
drinking problem
cameran Aug 2016
one day you'll ask me why
i hate the smell of beer,
and i'll have to tell you
it filled the air when he hit her,
then you'll notice
how i avoid red wine,
and i'll look away to say that
she reeked of it when she screamed at me,
you'll pick up on
how much ***** makes me gag,
and i'll be ashamed to tell you
i washed it out of my hair at 3 am while sobbing,
i'll push away jack
and you'll be sure to ask why,
and i'll cry and tell you
i can't remember why i hate it,
that i can't remember much at all

and then you'll know who i was
when i wasn't me
"i'm better now."
Aug 2016 · 131
all you are
cameran Aug 2016
he doesn't go on dates, he ***** girls and gets high.
all you are is a way to spend his saturdays.
"all i am."
Jul 2016 · 584
xanax cereal
cameran Jul 2016
you act like i've chosen to be the way i am.
i can't control anything.
"i feel useless."
Jul 2016 · 154
knock me down
cameran Jul 2016
have you ever loved something so much,
that you'd let it destroy you?
"please."
Jul 2016 · 190
long lost lust
cameran Jul 2016
i finally met the girlfriend of the guy i've been in love with for 3 years.
she was crying because he cheated on her numerous times.


i didn't feel bad.
"you don't get it."
Jun 2016 · 148
siren
cameran Jun 2016
love is knowing the exact sound of your voice,
even after not hearing it for a while
"for you, my love."
Jun 2016 · 205
great expectations
cameran Jun 2016
i have waited three long years to kiss you,
and now that i have,
i'm disappointed to say,
it wasn't even that good.
"i have to stop watching romance movies."
Apr 2016 · 183
home
cameran Apr 2016
sirens are
a lullaby,
yelling is
a constant,
lying is
a habit
for: kids with broken homes
Mar 2016 · 183
heart burn
cameran Mar 2016
i've watched from afar
as you've broken her
heart so many times
it doesn't even resemble
one anymore.
"good riddance"
Mar 2016 · 131
beauty won't stay
cameran Mar 2016
i'm in love
with the idea
of you missing me
you don't
Feb 2016 · 156
ever changing faces
cameran Feb 2016
if you asked me who i thought i
was this morning,

i might have answered with my name
and my favorite color and a few hobbies
i enjoy.

i might have shared childhood memories
and talked about what i hate in this world or
explained how i like my coffee and why
my mother doesn't talk to me anymore.

if you asked me who i thought i was this morning,
i might have told you these things.

but it's no longer this morning
and that is no longer me.
"don't forget to breath."
Jan 2016 · 232
sing me to sleep
cameran Jan 2016
i loved you in my dreams
and i'll love you when they're over
"never wanna wake."
cameran Dec 2015
"so you quit basketball?"

yeah, because everybody pushed me too hard.

"i'm just not into it anymore."


"so you quit the science program?"

yeah, because i only did it to look good for college.

"i'm just not into it anymore."


"so you quit the school play?"

yeah, because i hate standing around in the background for hours.

"i'm just not into it anymore."


"so you quit basketball, the science program, and the play. is there anything you've actually stuck through?"

no because i don't know what i want to do and i don't know what i'm into yet and if you stepped back for a second and supported me instead of judging me and going on an on about how i don't have much ******* time left until college, then maybe i would be able to find something that i love to do, so that i'm not forty years old with no job and no family, surrounded by alcohol and bad decisions with a shot gun to my ******* head.  *******, *******, *******!

"i'm still looking."
"a muse is not a muse unless it inspires you to the core."


or an ode to the sad saps who haven't figured out what they want out of life yet.
Dec 2015 · 175
paint by numbers
cameran Dec 2015
i see you in all the best parts of me
"make me better just to let me die."

(10w)
cameran Dec 2015
i want to be able to
dance stupidly with my friends,

i want to be able to
say hi to strangers
and sing in public places,

i want to be able to
order food on the phone
and pay for clothes at the mall,

actually, just being able to go to
the mall at all would be nice,

i want to be able to
put myself out there
and say i love you at
the wrong moment
but let it feel right,

i want to be able to
join sports and clubs
without worrying,

i want to be able to
get ready in the morning
without changing my
mind a thousand times,

i want to be able to
walk past people
without being
anxious that they're
talking about me,

i want to be able to
be the star of the show

and whatever you do,
don't write me off as being
******* 'really shy'
because i'm not shy,
i have social anxiety
and **** all of you
"she's just really shy around people she doesn't know."

or a horribly bad poem written by a very sleep deprived, and very angry, introvert
Nov 2015 · 251
thoughts before bed
cameran Nov 2015
I don't care if you can laugh with your friends and crack jokes and call me vile names because you want to push yourself away from the thought of me. I don't care if you say you're fine and mean it when people ask and I don't care if you've deleted all pictures of me off your phone.

I just hope when it's late at night and your eyelids are fighting to stay awake, and all the distractions of smiling faces and pressures of always looking okay are gone, that you think of me. You think of my voice and how it gets high-pitched when I'm angry and how my chest stutters when I laugh, how my hands have always shaken just a little bit and how my hair curls only at the ends. I hope you remember how soft my hands felt across the expanse of your shoulders and stomach and the way my lips felt against the nook of you jaw. I hope you remember how I was made up of imperfections and mistakes but still managed to make myself smile everyday and I hope you know that you made it a bit easier.

I don't care if you act like you're fine, as long as you can admit to yourself that you're not.
"you're a sick joke."
cameran Nov 2015
imagine the feeling
that crying in your
younger brother's
arms gives you,
and then try to
forget it like i'm
doing right now
"momma can't buy you a mocking bird."
Nov 2015 · 139
11/24/15
cameran Nov 2015
he hit her again today,
and i was hoping that
i could find all the
courage in my heart,
to hit him back.
"brave face, toxic waste"
Nov 2015 · 603
fuck buddies
cameran Nov 2015
i'm stuck in my delusions
that you want me,
but you're eyes are on hers,
not mine
"never mine."
Sep 2015 · 280
dead dreams and dancing
cameran Sep 2015
i was twirling,
stumbling over my little toes
and giggling in glee,
i was going places; far places,
i was dreaming; big dreams,
i was a child,
with pure white thoughts
and intentions,
but i twirled too much,
and fell over the edge,
and my twirls were broken
and instead of places;
i was going down,
and my thoughts so pure white;
were blackened,
and my intentions;
were shredded
and then i stopped twirling,
and i stood still.
"dad called me a tiny dancer."
Sep 2015 · 194
blisters
cameran Sep 2015
it hurt to look at him
because sometimes
he was too beautiful,
and other times
he was too flawed.
"i keep trying to fight it."
Sep 2015 · 408
cigar breath
cameran Sep 2015
i love you.

you breathe more smoke than air,
you know you're best friend's favorite color,
but not mine,
you hold onto your beer bottle
tighter than you hold on to me,
you stay out late,
you don't wash your hair,
you can't hold a job,
and you don't ******* care.

i love you anyway.
"i ******* shouldn't love you at all."
cameran Jul 2015
they sat in a circle,
like they knew each other,
like they were all friends

they whispered between giggles,
they nudged one another,
"what's your biggest fear?" they questioned

one by one you heard them,
all mediocre, all "snakes" and "clowns",
they didn't have real fears,
because they were pretty and popular,

nothing bad ever happened to them,
they had designer clothes,
straight A's, loving parents,
you could see it in the way
they drank so easily

it wasn't the kind you did to escape,
it was the kind you did to feel free,
to feel connected to everyone,
such pretty people drinking happily

suddenly it was my turn to share,
and i knew what i wanted to say,
it was bubbling up inside me,
it created a pounding in my chest,
a slickness to my palms,
a lump in my throat

i wanted to say "my reflection" or "the future",
to scream "my waist size" or "being like my mother",
i wanted them to know

to know what it felt like to struggle,
to stop them and watch as they felt what i felt,
i wanted the such pretty perfect people,
to stop drinking alcohol and start drinking the truth

although, when i could manage words,
all i said was "spiders."
"i drank until i was dizzy, then i drank some more."
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