I'm just a
heartbreakingly,
lost
*T
E
E
N
A
G
E
R

i saw you
again today,
and my heart
still fluttered.


****

it's different for a girl.
the first time I had ***, i was drunk and he didn't love me, but everyone else was doing it, so i did it too.
i don't remember everything, but i remember how quiet it was all around us and how small i felt.
he didn't kiss me at all and we didn't really look at each other and when it was over he kissed me on the forehead and left me alone to walk home.
i felt excited at first, like i was finally an adult. i expected to wake up the next morning with all the answers, and that i'd look like a different person.

i didn't look any different, and the only thing i felt, was sore.

the emptiness set in, and the exhilaration rotted into shame.
i wasn't in love, i didn't remember it that well and i knew i hadn't been ready.

although, i'll never admit that to anyone.

it's different for a girl.

we used to sit in my basement
and listen to the wild youth,
while smoking cigarettes
i stole from my mom
we talked about dying our hair
and moving in together after college
and ******* girls
and making breakfast
and our dreams
and you were my best friend
and now you're just a
person in a story i love to tell

he doesn't go on dates, he ***** girls and gets high.
all you are is a way to spend his saturdays.

I gave you my heart,
and you treated it like it was just another *****.

Now I'm empty,
and you could care less.

i sit on my porch
after stumbling home
from nights of drinking
and smoking and nameless
faces all contributing to the
reckless reputation of today's
teens. it's cold, i'm cold,
everything is humming and  
buzzing and now i'm cold and
scared. my fingers are twitching
and i can feel the bubbling in
my stomach, i'm anxious to call
you because you're warm and
that's all i want right now.
you are the boy i tell about
my fascination with clouds
and my dream of being an
astronaut if i was smart enough,
and then you say i am smart enough.
i pretend not to hear it.
you are the boy who laughs
when i stumble over my
words and waits patiently
while i ramble on about what
i see while walking home.
you are the only boy i've cried
both to and about.
and while i hiccup and tell
you how sorry i am to wake
you up at one in the morning,
you just "it's fine, i was awake anyway."
we both know you weren't.
and when i hang up and
stare out at the ocean,
all the cold has melted away
and i don't feel so small anymore.
you.
my warmth.
my own personal sun.

i told you i loved you
and you told me you loved her more
and i got up and knocked over
a pile of solo cups
and went into the shed
in that random backyard
and cried so hard i couldn't breathe
and you didn't leave the party
so i got wasted and high
and i pretended like you didn't exist
and left every twenty minutes
to cry in that ******* shed
and gone was the boy who would answer my calls at two in the morning,
and along went the
dreams of being an astronaut
and feeling like the sun was close enough to melt the ice settled on my skin
because you were my sun
and i got too close
and i got burned

I've described this feeling with big words,
and analogies,
I've tried using stories,
even tragedies,
but love cannot simply be expressed,
because love does not have a single definition.

they sat us down side by side,
and looked at us with sad eyes,

"we don't love each other anymore," they said,
"we can't do this to you any longer."

and when they asked me how i felt,

i shrugged and said, "finally."

its amazing how fast a single letter can change into one word,
which would turn into a sentence,
and a sentence would create a paragraph,
that suddenly changes into a story.

they say money is everything, but really words are.

at first you care way too much,
then you care way too little,
until eventually, you don't care at all

growing up is like standing on the edge of a building,

one wrong move and you fall.

c.r.k.