I am stubborn.
There I said it.
Are you happy??

I have given up
I can't.
No more.
*I can't

I have a few options:
A. Nothing
B. Everything
C. Give up
D. Accept I can't do it and get help

I don't know....
Help??

I am stubborn.
I will admit that.
I hate being stubborn.

You know why?

Because once I realize that being stubborn has gotten me nowhere-
I break down....

I am have pride-
Not much
But it's there.

And when I lose that pride.
Either someone breaks it
Or I realize that I was wrong.

And I cry.
I cry.......

If you knew
What really
goes on in my mind....

I am afraid of losing the people I love.  I am afraid of losing control-
         what little I have.  
I am afraid of not having approval.
I am afraid of not being able to control
         my emotions.
I am afraid of him.
I am afraid of not being able to sing
          anymore.
I am afraid of not being able to
          play horn anymore.
I am afraid of losing trust.
I am afraid of not being known.
I am afraid of not being remembered.

I am afraid.
I am human.

*Fear is what drives me

I'm tired of looking back.
At all my yesterdays
All 15 years worth..

I'm tired of saying why can't I do that?
Why can't I step up? What's holding me back?
Why do I look for yesterday?

I'm tired of wanting change
Instead of chasing after it
Going for what I want

I'm tired of looking at the door
Waing for you to
Pop back into my life

So
Guess
What?

I'm looking forward for today.
No more yesterdays.
No more past, even though I'll always have it- I'm learning from it, not waiting for it.

Today.

I'm sorry.

I don't like feeling like this.

I'm sorry.

You go searching
High and low
Only to find
You haven't left

Is
It really
Possible
To find
The ONE
Your
Soulmate....?

Where were you when I needed you?
I don't know...

I want to fall I love
I want to love  someone's quirkiness
For someone to love mine
I want to be able to hug him all the time
Him to hug me- and never let go
I want to adore his smile
And him mine
To have him give me that look
that melts my insides
I want to melt his,with my gaze

I want a fairytale.
I long for a happy ending

*Can someone give that to me?

I am not a Cinderella
I don't need a ball gown or glass slippers

I am not Jasmine
I don't need a magic lamp or flying carpet

I am not Ariel
I don't have a fish tail

I am not Tiana
I don't need to kiss a frog

I am not Snow White
I don't need dwarves or poisoned Apple's

I still want that romance though
I want my prince charming, my Flynn Rider, my Eric
I want love..

I am a girl, a woman
I need someone to look at me with that look
I long for someone to hold me close
I want someone who will love me, for me.

That is what I am..
What I need.

When I look in his eyes
I see all what I do
I see his soul
I see me.

When he speaks
It's like everything stops to listen.
You have to listen- no matter what

When he's actually serious
You know there's no going back.
He'll throw you a bone
You just have to be willing to go get it.

When he plays,
You can't help but feel intimidated
You can't breathe standing next to him
He is like a god

When he sings,
Oh, how my heart melts
Help me, I think I'm drowning.

he left an imprint
On my heart
On my soul
On mind

*if only I could tell him that

I am not talking about me, mind you
She is his, I am not

She said that he's in love with her
But the real question is if she is as well.

He has never acknowledged me
Given me any physical touch

Yet it looks as if I may love him.
How is that I possible I don't know

And honestly I hate her.
She doesn't see the big picture-
She's looking through rose colored glasses

And he, well he knows how I feel
Yet says nothing, absolutely nothing.

*And I hate him for that

I never gave him enough credit.
Ever

Everything he ever did was to
Advance me, to help me

And what did I do?
I rejected it
I was stubborn

And now He's gone.

*and now looks what's left of me

I told myself that I shouldn't
That I can't
That I won't

Yet I ended up doing it anyway..
I fell from cloud nine

*And I fell hard

He tips his hat toward her
And she dances around him

Not knowing who will speak first
He doesn't say anything,
Simply follows her around with his eyes

Does she know how he feels?
The raw passion in his eyes is evident
Yet she avoids looking in them.

She notices the tall dark stranger
Not knowing how their lives would be impacted.
If they would be- she knew not.

Then, accidentally she bumps in to him
His hands reach out
And keep her from falling...

She glances up and takes a sharp breath in
His eyes searched her soul.
Looking deep within her.

He felt warmth and electricity shoot up his arms
As he held her closer still
He knew it would all fit together.

He looked toward her lips
And felt her notice that he did
He lowered his mouth down on hers...

*She woke up with a start
   Who was that stranger?
   Was it fictional or real?
   She might never know

What do you see in me?
When I smile?
When I cry?

What do you hear?
When I scream?
When I whisper?
When I don't say anything at all?

What do you admire?
When I'm talking about my passion?
When I'm singing?

What do you see in me?
*What do I see in me?

What is it about you that keeps me coming back?
You were my longest crush.
I pictured you as my first kiss.
But what was it that made you hate me so much?

Why does my mind wander to you every spare moment?
Is it because my mind visits my heart when it wanders?
Why have I given you a piece of my heart,
Yet have NOTHING in return?!

What made me want you?
What made me seek for your approval?
Why did I long for your attention?

What is wrong with me?
Is it me?
Or was it you?
*Or both?

Do you know what you do to me?
Do tell....

Even when I'm not sure if you can hear me, I know my words will get through
When you're going 100 miles a hour- my idea is recognized
If I'm close to tears and no words can be said, you simply hold me close
I know that nothing I say will be told to someone else
You are my train

I think- that sometimes..
I am yours.
Your train.

We yell
We cry
We write
We relate.
*Trains

What if?
That's all that runs through my mind
What if?

What if the roles were reversed?
What if I said the things I needed to say?
What if I spoke my mind?

I don't know.
I have never known
I will never know.

I am
Free

I can
Breathe

I no
Longer
Have to
Worry

I am
No longer
AFRAID

*still deciding if that's good
Or bad

You left.
I became free.
Some may say
That's overrated..

*But who
Knows?

What is the unknown?
How do we know that which we don't know?
A mystery maybe..
A journey for each of us to take..
A life time of asking questions..
Maybe....

You finally set me free
I didn't realize it at first
But you did

Was this your intention?
Did you plan this out?
Waiting til I was ready?
Then just disappearing?

Could I have at least known  
Was it a surprise?

How was I supposed to know??

How can you just up and leave us?
Leave me?

This was supposed to be me thanking you
For leaving
But know I'm not so sure...

It's it for the best?
For you maybe..
For the the rest of us? Perhaps
For me??

Only time will tell...

I am mad
Mostly
At myself

I could have
Done something
Yet I chose
Not to

Why?
I don't know
Why did I not
Do anything?

I am mad
At me, myself
And I

I chose not to act
On my beliefs and ideas
On my viewpoint
To help

Why?
I was afraid

Simpy afraid

I do
Not
Want to
Be
Afraid.

How
Can
I not be?
Afraid

It was
My lifestyle
For a very
Long time


I need to
Break
Out of
My
Shell.

I hurt when
People I love hurt
I can't bear
To see them
Cry

I have seen
Many people go
Through things
And I wished I
Could erase all the
Pain

I'm simply that
Kind of person
I care
A lot
More than you'd
Think

Please don't push
Me away
That hurts just
As much
I want to be
There for
You

Will you let me?
I don't need to know
All the details
Or how it happened
But I'd listen if you
Want to tell me

I just want to be
able to be there
For you
To give you a hug
When you are down
Be that shoulder to
Cry on

It's in my nature.
Will you let me in?
I'm not afraid
Not anymore...

How long did you know?
Was anyone going to tell me?

It was a miracle that I found out in the first place
Did he think I would be mad?
Take drastic measures to get even?
He really doesn't know me that well
How many other people knew?
Perhaps everyone but me.
I don't know-
I  simply don't know anymore

I love to sing
And that's not a bad thing because
I have my mothers voice
I live because of singing
I have had moments in my life
When all I  couldn't function
Without music ringing from my throat
Many people have told me that I sing well
And I take it to heart
I enjoy bring people pleasure
Though my music

Choices is what it all boils down too.
He choses to do certain things to see my reaction.
I have to choose.
This or that.

That will be the choice.
What do I chose?
Against my heart or for him?
For the excitement or for the dull?
For what I love or who I love?

How far am I willing to go,
Down this black hole that I've dug myself?
That is the choice.
That I have to make.
HAVE to make....

The end is always tougher than anyone thinks
It often takes longer than you think to get over

And the memories are always there
At night,  in those moments before sleep
In every rehearsal, when you can't look to your left and ask for help.
When you realize your on your own
When you feel yourself falling apart

That is the ending of one story
And the beginning of another

Moody
Happy
Sad
Angry

Moody
Kind
Caring
Loving


Moody
Afraid
Scared
Terrified

Moody
Depressed
Hidden
Shy

Moo­dy
Careful
Wary
Hardened

Moody
Joyful
Willing
Tried

Moody
Control
Fearful
Fallen

Moody-
Ready
Set
Go.

Music is my life.
I know I've said that a million times
But it is. All of me is music
You will never catch me in a moment
when I'm not humming lyrics or singing or playing my horn.
Music is also, my escape.
The thing I turn to when I'm falling apart inside.
It's also one of my biggest problems.