as I stared blankly at the wall,
and a constant void against the surface stared back at me
i knew
an hourly gloom can not be forestalled
with the clock constantly ticking
like a bomb about to explode,
with my body frozen
in a once warm place i used to call home;
what could have went wrong?

perhaps,
the time was not for ours to behold
whether each hearts do really belong
to one another;
mouth filled with thoughts
that are tightly sealed
and shoulders carrying hundred folds
like two hostages dying to make a move
with words left untold
what else could save us—
and our love that has barely bloomed?

who wouldn't wish for a love to be kept for a lifetime?
after being wounded so long—
with pain perpetuated, that it took shattered pieces of one's self
but then,
i hope it was an illusion of my vulnerability,
to watch an endless rays of undeniable possibilities
played in a diffident mind.

i hate how there are open doors
to new beginnings,
of how a jump to the edge makes me lose you
but, after all, i pray to see you after timeless decades,
as the picture of your face in mind is carved perfectly,
and undying words tattoed on my flimsy dermis.

if you ever change your mind,
and wake up one day—deciding to rebirth
a soul not meant for mine,
then maybe for one last time
begin the love all over again
until we're both ready to bid farewell to the love we once have gained.

The water trickled on my whole body, and I'd faced the shower bursting into a sigh of relief. I slowly closed my eyes, and knew that a reverie would be in existence. The random waves of internal screaming, hurting, and laughing made its way to the daunted mind.

Fleeting as it may seem, the tears went down so swiftly yet caressingly onto my cheeks, racing together with the tiniest droplets. My spine was chilled with the fear of merely drowning, but being in touch with both despair and freedom. How would one be filled with physical confidence, yet with a mindset jailed into endless comparisons and weary?

I sometimes wonder, "isn't it too draining to please the crowd with your mask on and true self off?". Maybe, just maybe, the answer to a disturbingly, clamorous mind is ending it all with the shower on.

I felt as if I was on a seemingly calm rainfall on a sunday evening—that time when I've almost lost myself.

fickle and indecisive,
poetic yet so frantic;
you appear to me as an art gallery that's free,
but one that exhibits a thousand surreal,
and abstract paintings of thee.

sturdy and timid,
amorous yet adorably bashful and vivid;
you appear to me as an underrated sculpture standing along the hallway,
barely admired by the crowd, but loved and remarked in the heart by your one and only.

if only i could lend these eyes,
for you to believe that in every pessimism
that devoured your mind—
equates to an adoring state of mine
i'd eternally see an ephemeral paragon in you, in times of hardship and ease

with body laid down, heart reminiscing
on the rooftop floor
gazing at the stars we used to wish upon
i guess the cold breeze wins today
as it remind me of the flashing memories
and triggered tears

you used to be lying down beside me
to watch the universe speak and the world rotate
and had let love resuscitate our broken souls
yet here i am, with a different chapter i did not foresee
seeking for a love alike the past
and hoped that these magical moments we had will rot

maybe in another parallel universe
we'll have it right once more
but when heaven does not want us
then i'll see you happy from afar
letting go of a bond granted by the stars.

i ventured past the memory lane
and filled the broken soul with delight
it's foolish how first love mended me
in a way not one possibly can
how every reminisce is enthralling to embrace like a glistened storyframe
one that tickles hope of another reason to live;
it's foolish how firsts remain striking
the times that were everglowing, enchanting
there's no need for weariness, when somebody accepted me for who I am
sweared to stay forever–in victories and downfalls.

frightening how a perfectly written story by a god turns stormed and wicked
how my ceaseless heart slowly is tormented
when i thought the first would keep its words
silly of me to assume
but all goes into hues of blues
and when i thought he's the sunlight
to my ****, cold melancholic night

he left on a windy day alike a flowing kite
with no proper goodbyes
and shattered his promises one by one
like a rushing ambulance, crashing dreams in a scene of dawn and fires
at that point, i knew that the garden we've grown are closely wilting
going back at one, a stranger, whom i treated like an art
carefully realizing— no apologies can now return an exhausted heart
no prayers could turn back the twisted time
and no wishes from the stars could heal the scars and damaged mind

hurting thyself, is it a mere nightmare?
my body felt a sensation of falling
not in love, but defying gravity slowly from a skyscraper
at the broad daylight, my old self died
and eternally—a part of me has bid rage and farewell
like a child departing from her long-time bestfriend

in a dilemma, everything has been changing as fast as the thunderbolt
i ventured past the memory lane
and filled the broken soul with regret
it's foolish how first love broke me
in a way not one possibly can
how every reminisce battled me at night
and turned me frail
tomorrow, i knew, there were no reasons to live furthermore

it's foolish how I thought the first would be last,
with all timelines, phases, and secrets shared from past;
however, here's to our history, and to my self
who thought of finding genuine love from a stranger
finally, devouring the crept of once again, being lost.

the waves crashing through the windows of the soul,
that seems endlessly excruciating
flushes together with dauntless darts daring to eliminate the heart;
she was left unguarded

if night tides can not rinse away the flashing colors she saw in him,
then let this foolish game relive the memories in blue
even for a time she can not turn back with him anymore, in reverie, she won't dare herself to love once more;
the russian roulette by the shore twisted their fate

Much more that it broke half of her.