Silver, one...two...blue,
As the cars go by my mind wanders to you.
How your eyes turned amber in the light,
How your smile cut through me like a dagger,
Never the matter,
It was all for you.
Future talks and past traumas,
Highs, lows and all the dramas.
Back and forth in our ruthless endeavors, we thought we were clever.
Maybe one day we'll get better, but not together,
Because you broke the girl who was made from glass, crash.
Now she's too sharp for you to hold her.
Shame.
She fell for a boy so lame, even though everyone told her

Would you forgive me if I close my eyes?
I’m oh so tired of my demons feeding me lies.
And if my parents happened to see, would they believe I was just asleep?
Would they rush to my side and kiss me goodnight or hold my hand in panicked fright?
You see, I’ve a hard time keeping all these emotions inside of me at bay,
The demons twist them up, they spit them out and present me with a tape to play.
Every doubt I’ve ever had, over analyzed and placed on repeat for me to constantly see.
I don’t know silence, she isn’t a friend, but maybe when I’m dead she’ll finally love me.

No more chances. If you wanted me around you should have held on tighter, loved me the way I needed to be loved, and taken the time to understand me better. You were selfish with me...and I have nothing left to give you. I’m okay with being the villain this time around, that’s all I’ve ever been. But I’ve nothing to apologize for and I have every right to never pick up that phone again, even if everything inside of me is screaming at me to. I really wanted to get it right with you, and god how I ******* tried. But you can’t make a puzzle piece fit where it doesn’t belong, and I don’t think I have the energy to mold myself into a new shape for you when the space left for me to fit is so small... if you really loved me you’d have been proud of my growth, you’d have stopped to admire my flowers in full bloom instead of plucking me away to shove in your pocket.

I do care for you, something inside of me always always will. But I also resent you. We tried for years,  years and it has come to this. Strangers. We don’t act like friends, we don’t talk like friends, it’s like I was never even a blimp on your map, never a chapter in your book. Which is fine. But don’t you dare sit there and paint me black when I put up with years of sneaking around, years of lie after lie after lie. I’ve had to sit there, knowing the truth and have the one person I’m supposed to trust, the one person who is supposed to care for me look me in the eye and lie. You’ve crossed your heart on words of betrayal one too many times, and I’ve crossed our bridge and set it aflame in hopes of shedding the weight of our past. I know you never really loved me. You may care for me, but I was never your person. I never could manage to set your soul ablaze and light that fire in your eyes. But you’re not my person either, because if someone can consciously make the decision to do things they know will pain their partner, that’s not love. You stopped calling me beautiful, you stopped admiring, you stopped telling me you loved me all the time and stopped giving me the attention and affection that I so desperately needed. You stopped being my boyfriend a long time before we broke up, so don’t you dare sit there and paint me to be the villain because I tried. You may have broken me every time you lied to me but I will not let you break the little bit of trust for the world and sanity I have left. I’m nobodies victim. Not even yours.

What am I to you? If not a priority than what? A time filler, a toy to be played with, someone to occupy your company when you get lonely? I fear I’ll never truly know the answer, or maybe I’m scared to face the answer I’ve already been given. My brain constantly telling me I’m nothing but a waste of space, a piece of *** who was born for nothing more than your enjoyment and yours alone. The flickers of pain I feel are simply the cards I have been dealt, and there is no arguing with fate. A stake to the heart would hurt less than this poison you’ve spilled into my mouth by the presence of your tongue, is it love? It flows through my being with so much warmth I don’t think I’d be able to tell the difference. And how dare I care or feel anything that involves me, myself and I alone, when I’m only meant to feel for you. You remind me constantly of your needs and wants and put to shame my thoughts, how invalid they must be. You trace the scars on my body with your talons, never letting me forget how deeply you are attached to me. I’m tired of fighting a battle that simply cannot be won, of fighting the army that is you, and how much destruction you have caused in your wake. I’m tired, I’ll rip the white dress from my body and lay bare for you in surrender. It’s tattered pieces like a white flag waving.

So hear my words and take them in,
I promise you'll see me soon.
On one cold nigh I'll come to you,
My skin reflecting the moon.

I love you so much. And I wish more than anything I could put into words just how much, but words just are never enough. I think of writing about your eyes, the shifting colors of a deep sea with drowning stars that twinkle when your looking at me. I think to put into words the way your laugh plays my favorite songs, how I wake up every morning longing to see that smile, the one you made special for me. I think to write about the sandy landscape of your waves that fall perfectly around that face I so much adore. I think to write about the edges and hollows of your body and the way I love to trace my fingers along it, in fear I'll one day forget it's perfection. The way I feel when you touch me, when I no longer have a care about the outside world but rather the world we have created inside our small apartment, together. You are more a poem than anyone could ever write. Please stay forever by my side so I can love you every day of this life.