you left, two years ago you left. you made a choice to leave. you made your peace with everyone then slowly faded away until you thought no one would care. then you left.

you came back in my dream last night. it wasn't a nightmare and it wasn't a dream. but you were there. i don't remember what you said. i don't remember what you did. but when you were there it felt like you were saying sorry. it felt like you were saying you were ok.

i hope wherever you are you are at peace, i'm going to choose to think you are.

whispering in my ear, telling me how beautiful i am. telling me that i am the best thing to ever happen to you. the room was spinning with light chatter from our friends. it smells like cheap beer and expensive perfume. you pull me in a little closer on the thrift store couch and look into my eyes. then you confess that you love me. it was a whisper just for me but it felt like you shouted it. it resonated throughout my body. you love me and i love you. and in that moment it was just us in the room. it was just us in this world. i love you and i always will

You came into my life like a laugh:
a small chuckle at first
slowly building
and now I'm breathless

A cool fall night and the heat hasn't kicked on yet. You wrap me with warmth as we drift off to sleep. Insomnia and nightmares usually occupy my nights but with you, you occupy all my senses. Our breathing matches one another and we drift to sleep your hot breath on the back of my neck radiating to my ice cold toes.


I wake up in the middle of the night, my normal restlessness creeping in on my sleep. I try to move and not wake you but you just grab me closer, you hold me close to your chest so I can hear your heartbeat.


6:30, 6:45, 7, 7:10 your alarm goes off 4 times but I don't mind. Each time you turn it off you pull me closer, you kiss my face, you wrap your legs around mine, you fall back asleep.


The last alarm finally goes off, and you get up, the bed is cold again. You hug and kiss me, I pull you a little closer and pull your kiss in for a little longer, you groan and reluctantly pull back. You look at me one more time before you leave knowing you'll be back tonight and hopefully every night.

Tonight you made a joke about falling madly in love with me, but I don’t think I was a joke and I’m ok with that. I could feel your eyes on me all night and I realized you’re all I want.

I want to look at you the way I look at food , with longing and desire but I know you won't fulfill my appetite.

How to let go of someone you loved with unreciprocated passion: you don't.

I am a force of nature, call me a natural disaster.

We are star stuff -
You and me
We are made from the heavens exploding in violent arrays of energy
We are the left over particles from the birth of the stars
We are the Milky Way
and the moon
We are bright and brilliant constellations
We twinkle, we orbit , we shoot, we collapse , we fall , we die
We become star stuff
We are the air and the trees and the oceans
We are the salt in the tears of lost lovers
We are the wind in the hair of the explorers  
We are the ground under the wanders
We are sky for the observers
We are the stars for the lost

The instinctual longing for love defines you.
Evolution compels you to love.
Establishing connections to ensure the survival of the species.
To protect the young and find suitable mates.
To create a well balanced society.
Being controlled by chemicals that make you feel.
Chemicals that trigger longing and lust, desire and passion.
This is part of love but not all of it.
There is much more than just chemical reactions to love.
It is the key to survival and happiness.
To give and receive love is instinct.

Embrace it.

When you are in love you are alert and attentive.
The slightest touch comforts you.
Your nerves under your skin are ready to receive even the softest touch or caress.
When you wrap another in an embrace you share the warmth between your two bodies.
You find your hands on their back and theirs on yours.
The new closeness between you two is acknowledged by the same core temperatures that surround you.
You hold each other close
Becoming each others blanket.

Take a breath.

Inhaling the familiar scent that is both unique and common to each thing you love.
The scent of baby powder and warmed milk of your newborn.
The musky earth aroma of your beloved pets.
The warm brown sugar scent of your mother
Or the freshly cut wood smell of your father.
The mixed berry sent of your friends.
The smell of your lover, so unique yet so ordinary to you.
The name of the fragrance forever lingers on the tip of your tongue yet it is mixed with indescribable scent of that person.

Savor the moment

As you breath in their scent you awaken your tastebuds.
You associate their aroma with a flavor you crave.
The air around you has a crisper taste as all your senses converge to make you more aware of every second.
You welcome the flavors you can’t describe
And welcome the flavors that trigger nostalgia.

Listen closely

The heartbeat and steady breath of one another being to match.
As you hold them closer you become one.
The heart may sound like the light tick of a pocket watch
Or the loud beats of a bid flapping their wings.
The breaths can be slow a methodical
like waves rolling onto the sun kissed sand
Or the gusty like the winds that blow off the top of whitecap waves.
But soon your breath and heartbeat matches your loved one.

Watch carefully

When you see your love your pupils dilate allowing you to capture all aspects of your love.
You want to examine every feature of theirs and develop their picture in your memory.
The corners of your mouth may stretch to form a smile
Creating raised cheekbones and crinkles in your skin by your eyes.
You watch as the world around you becomes more beautiful.
Your perception of the world has changed due to the cocktail of chemicals mixing in your brain.
You begin to see love all around you.

You begin to feel it, smell it , taste it and hear it.
You begin to love,love.

When you experience love you realize that it could be the force that launches a thousand ships.
Or cause lovers to die for one another.
The cause for adventure and the winds that push loved ones home.

It is clear that love does not cause an uncomfortable rash that infects your body and mind.
It does not cause distress or insecurities.
Love will never be found in a nightmare,
You wont wake up in the middle of the night trying to run away from it.

You will want to keep love on you like a locket
Holding all the people and places and things that engage all of your senses.
You want to keep it and hold on to it forever because it makes you feel serene.

You love because of instinct.

You love for the experience.

You love for the love.

We have chemistry together. From the start of the school year we have sat next to each other and exchange casual conversation. We are lab partners. We make faces at each other when the teacher isn't looking. We talk about class outside of class. We share notes. We share a class together
        We have chemistry together. From the start of the school year we have revolved around each other and exchanged phone numbers. We are lab partners. We watch each other's every move so we don't mess up the experiment. We talk to each other outside of class.We share notes. We share chemistry.

They can be those dark and mysterious shadows or the fresh autumn sky.
Blues are calming and melancholy hues.
They can lighten a room or darken a room.
But to me, the blues are your soul.
People say that everyone's soul is a different color but all I see is diffenet shades of blue.
Music comes from the soul
The blues are your soul.
When an artist performs it's from the soul and every true artist has soul
And every artist knows the blues.
The blues rip through a region only you know exists.
Through an area only you can feel.
But when the blues are expressed correctly everyone can feel it.
Some don't like the blues
Only because it rattles a sensitive part of your being.
The blues cover all the pain you've felt and all the celebration.
The blues are part of everyone
Weather they want to feel them or not
But to not have the blues is to not have a soul.

You taught me how to love.
Not like mom and dad did.
But how the real word does.

This love has to be learned.
It's not the innate love.
This is the love that takes time.

When I was four you started with my lesson.
First was to find you out of a sea of so many.
I feel in love with your black button eyes.
This was the test of impulse love.

Then I had to keep you safe.
I couldn't lose you like those other kids did.
I had to protect you and your stitching.
This was the test of protecting love.

Now I can't forget you.
It looks like I don't need you anymore like my friends don't need theirs.
I look like I shouldn't be with you anymore now that I am older.
This is the test of distancing love

Soon i'll have to leave.
I won't be able to keep you with me you wont fit in my luggage.
I will be so cold without you and your soft warmth in my arms.
This will be the test of letting go of love.

Then one day I'll look back at my childhood.
I will not forget our adventures.
I will not forget what you taught me.
This will be the final test of remembering love.

Diving into the depths of the mystic ocean. The cold starts to seep in and yet you feel warm. You are warmed by the currents and the electricity running though your body. You feel like a part of nature a part that you felt has been missing for too long. Underwater you find the clarity of life, you are immersed in life. It's surreal, the type of things people write about and the things you never thought you would experience. You see life and death with each blink. Thoughts race though your head like the fish avoiding your bubbles. You feel connected to yourself and disconnected from the distractions of the world. You begin to know fear when your under.

There are different things people fall in love with. Like a person or the rain or the aspect of love itself. I've never been in love but I fall for it. Like when you watch fireflies in the country. Bright flashes of perfection. Fleeting, yet they trick your eyes for a few milliseconds making the flash burn your mind for a few more moments. When it's really late they aren't dancing in the grass anymore, they move to the trees where you will never be able to reach them. But why do they go that high? They must live in the trees right ? Or are they just lost stars finally making their way back up to join the heavens? I watch them and fall in love with each flash.  I watch them and wish I was able to capture a heart like they do.

My eyes burn
My mind's a mess
I'm tired
I'm cold
I feel alone
All alone ...
Hello!
Hello?
Why is my only answer the rain ?
As it flows down my window pain.
What are you offering Rain?
A setting for my sorrow?
Or a solvent to dissolve my problems?
Answer me give me more please !
Rain drop
Dropping
Drops...
Let me know I'm not alone .

the end of the world isn't ending like it ended for the dinosaurs.
not ending from a comet or massive global warming
but hate and the demons from hell pulling at the ankles of innocence.
we think its something environmental or ecological
but is the human soul organic?
has hate become an easy action and violence an easy reaction?
when we destroy ourselves with bombs , poison and words
what will the future generations think
when text books share horror stories
and the final lesson is you can be the end.

I remember when I flew.

The freshly cut grass glued its self to my bare feet, the blades wanted to fly too.
I took off.

A powerful start, rocketed off the damp visage of Mother Earth.
She had great power, gravity, is what they called it.
They said more than kryptonite was needed to stop it.
Gravity, only defeated by breaking the laws of Newton.
I didn't want to break any laws (jail would not be fitting for this hero who needed to be back in time for lunch).

But I kept going, if birds can fly ( and knowing they have much smaller brains ) then I could figure out how too.
I kept going, until my toes kissed the leaves of the oak tree.
Each time I touched the tree time would freeze.
In that moment I watched the wisps of hair flow back and the shadows cross my face.

Soon I was over the trees, doing backflips and summersaults in the air.
I was floating on my back.
The sun warming my face.
The harmonic hum of far off lawnmowers singing in the distance.
I arched my back further and further ready for another backflip.

On my back looking up.
What happened?
I blinked.
A permanent scar on the hero's back.
Sit up.
WHAM
It hit me, the loss of flight, the loss of that reality
and the reintroduction of the other.
It was all gone Mother Nature won again.
A life long battle.
But I'll try to never forget,
I flew

You were my doctor when I was sick.
You told me everything will be ok.
You gave me kisses to make the pain go away.
You gave me comfort only a mother can supply.
You made me better.

My turn,

I want to make you feel better.
I tell you things will be ok.
I'll give you a kiss to make the pain go away.
I will give you comfort only a daughter can supply.
I will make you feel better.

At the bottom you lay.
Not broken,
but old.
You've been moved around so many times.
You cannot count the cold hands that have touched you.
But they don't need you.
For those who don't know, You're Junk
For those that do, Understand.
The places you have been,
The passages you have unlocked,
The darkness that has taken over most of your life.
Forever underappreciated  yet still there,
when they need you.
Sometimes they don't understand.
One day they will come back,
They will want to remember the past
They can't unlock their future without it.

Dear future love,
     Will you one day write poems for me? Would you write beautiful words with me as your inspiration? Could you capture me in between college-ruled lines? Paint a picture of me without picking up a paint brush? Write to me, about me , for me - like I see him do for her. Please tell me have we met, or will we ever? Am I just a face you see now, an image , a thought , a word. Can you let me know? Send a sign to your love. Or have the signs been sent and I , looking too hard for them. Am I overlooking the obvious, the perfect, the person, the you? Please tell me that you are out there wondering who the girl is that is writing about you!
Love
Always

I lay awake when I should be asleep...
No when I should be dreaming
But....I am awake my eyes are burning from staring at the screen.
My heartbeats flutter and add extra rhythm.
My life slowly gaining momentum as I stay stationary, lying in my bed listening to the rain.

This aging confuses me so.
How can one day I wake up and have my mommy take care of everything
To me making sure I can handle myself?
Going from no fear
To a fear of everything ?
To development, growth, improvement, struggle, hate, love and all in-between.
It's all chaos to me.
All of it.
But
I'm growing up.
And I can't stop it.

Beneath the large oak
I'll wait every day after school with my books and a snack
Waiting for him to ride by on his bike
Bringing with him the air of summer and grass stained clothes
We ride together, speeding through puddles
Speeding though problems like they are nothing but oil
We ride through time, without reason or rhyme
Without purpose or direction we leave that oak tree
Together. Free.
Free. Together.

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately everyone reaches that point
With someone else
The point of no return
Where you know far too much
But recieve far to little
Where that line is burned in you skin
The designated boundaries  you cannot cross
Because you would never risk it all
That point of no reverse
Stuck in neutral
Stuck in the mud
Stuck in a friendship
Stuck in that zone

to sleep is to dream*
Or so I am told

But you said
I don't get much sleep

And it's true you don't sleep
You don't want to dream like that
Those thoughts are too real
You subconscious yells at you any tells you things you think are true
You lie to yourself in this dream (nightmare)

The reason why you have nightmares is because
your reality is a dream

What you have before you
Are friends and love and warmth
You don't need to dream

And to deal with this imbalance
The natural order of the world
Invades your dreams with lies

So
You don't sleep and dream

*you live to dream

Tis the Season
*To believe

I'm not that smart
                                          So talk slow

I have good hearing
                                          whisper

I know
                                         So don't make me think

I don't care
                                          But make me

I have a good memory
                                           So don't make me want to forget

I love
                                            Don't make me hate

I'm not safe
                                            Make me secure

I can't make up my mind
                                             Help me decide

I'm broken
                                             Glue me back together

I want
                                             Be what I need

I'm lost
                                              Find me

It is a known fact that:
Humans are born with two fears,
The fear of falling
And the fear of loud noises.

The fear of falling in love
And the fear of saying "I love you"

People say I have soft hands.
Smooth to the touch.
Soft and sweet.

But I dont like when they say that.
"Wow, your hands are so soft"
I can't help but take some kind of offence.

The soft hands that haven't done much,
Young and pure.
Unknowning and innocent.

They haven't done anything yet in theses short years.
Assisting but never actually doing.
Careful and timid.

Never have they been worn down from work.
Or raw from the hardships of the day.
Never bleeding,scratched or hurt.

Nor have they felt the hand of another's.
To hold in a tight gasp.
Not loved and caressed.

They want to be numb with pain, and love.
Worked until they can no longer live.
Leave life not as they entered,
Leave with a hardened pride, strength and work.

Sweet Sinning...
Is eating raw cookie dough when no one is looking
Breaking a cookie so you have no choice but to eat it (you can't serve that to guests)
When your only worry is burning the cookies

I'm sorry. I guess.
I think I should be,
I think I hurt you.
But I had to find out second hand.

I'm sorry. I guess.
That you didn't talk to me,
Because ignoring me
Is colder and crueler.

I'm sorry. I guess.
That we both were hurt,
You didn't understand how I felt.
I never told you.

I'm sorry. I guess.
We were close,
Too honest,
Too free and easy going.

I'm sorry. I guess.
That you ever felt that way,
Becuase I never did.
But maybe I felt something.

I'm sorry. I guess.
I'm just tired of whatever that was.
What we weren't
What you wanted.

I'm sorry. I guess.
You weren't ment to hear that.
I didn't mean those words,
For you to hear.

I'm sorry. I guess.
That you thought I was a better person
And you realized that.
I'm sorry I guess I'm not.

I think it's happening again *
I'm      
F
    A
         L
              L
                 I
                    N
                       G
For you

Shhh be quite be still - she said
Why- the child asked like any child would
Because they will hear you in the night, laughing and loving, knowing no wrong - she whispered
But I don't understand there is nothing I fear, I'm brave and I'm strong-  the child giggles
You will understand one day when your no longer a child- she sighed
I'll be a kid forever- declared the child with certainty
I hope, I wish but just remember this, be quite be still or they will put you down and you will be out of luck. With no memory of the reason for your laugh- she cried
Don't be sad, I promise I'll be ok. I won't let them get me- said the child who will grow up one day

math* they say is adding,subtracting and multiplying
And that it will be applied.
I'm not so sure they know what math is.
It's not that simple.
Ask those who spend hours trying to learn it.
The numbers mix and mingle.
And your mind makes up its own math.
If I add or subtract or multiply
Will I get the same answers?
I'm done with this numerical *math

Watch the waves on the sea,
The way they change from day to day;
Crashing on the shore.

At full force with the moon at night,
Hitting everything in their way
Watch the waves on the sea,

With walls of water at full height,
Capturing the moon’s rays
Crashing on the shore.

Rocketing mist into full flight
Leaving those without anything to say ,
Watch the waves on the sea,

With the moon as the only light
The show can be seen from miles away,
Crashing on the shore.

With the moon shinning bright,
You just want to stay.  
Watch the waves on the sea,
Crashing on the shore.

Movie stubs and old house keys
some of my old memories.
Cut out words and broken jewelry
and things that are dear to me.

Hung up high for all to see
pieces that are part of me.
All the things I used to be
are now just my memories.

The night still clings to my eyes
I'm awake
My house is awake
But my covers pull me closer
Wrapping me in warm comforting arms
My eyelids feel the weight of my eyelashes pull them down
Heavy
Only one more hour I think
And my bed agrees

I want it to be easy like being enchanted by the rain.
Easy like the shining stars.
Easy so that I don't have to wonder.
Easy because I don't want to think that it can be hard.
Easy because I'm afraid.
I want things to fall into place,
I don't want to fall.
Easy like laughing.
Easy like your smile.
Easy like talking to you.
Why can't it be easy for you to feel the same?

What I know of love-
it's a fire, a heat
passion, desire
some may suffer burns
or feel warmth, comfort
it's careful,
haphazard
unplanned,
with a blueprint
crazy,
sane
perfectly wrong
but always right

A warm hand pressed up against cool glass
Making a hot handprint appear.
The maker of the print lifted their hand
To study the unique swirls and whirls they left.
There is no pattern to the lines that created the handprint.
No precise angle of arches,
Nor perfect precision of patterns.
The transparent window displayed the differences,
Unique to only one person.
Sculpted at birth and remodeled over the years.
Recoding every hardship experienced by the hands.
Each line, arch and swirl different from one another,
All part of a life.
Each hand telling a different story,  
Each story created by a different hand.

soft nose
cold aginst mine
black button eyes
that can't even tell time

you make me happy
when you don't know i'm sad
i don't even realize
you'll be the best thing i've ever had

thank you for loving me
sweet innocent bliss
you'll do anything for me
and you will always be missed