I remember photoshoots in my room making my parents take our pictures. I remember late nights conversations about cute boys & stupid friends. I remember passing notes & walking through the halls of high school.
See I remember you before you were on these anti anxiety depression medication. Before you decided you needed them to get by in life and I told you I. Understood. I said I still had your back no matter what.
Now you're a different person.
Now you lie about being so in love and so happy.
I try and tell you to get off those pills but you won't listen.
And so I ask... What happened to my best friend?
What happened to the carefree girl who went on adventures?
And I ask... If you're so happy why are you still taking those pills crying at night?
I miss my best friend.

I walked and walked and walked until my feet were bruised and swollen and bleeding.
I cried that day... all ******* day... and I didn't care one bit who saw me.
I ran that night, on my bruised, swollen, and bleeding feet, I just wanted to feel the pain.
I wanted anything and everything to hurt on my body to make me forget what you did.
I washed the pain away with whiskey and gin-- because I knew it would make sick.
I smoked the whole day-- Just because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke.

Yesterday I felt the pain in my body... the pain I had felt for so long in my heart.
And yesterday I saw you kiss her when you had told me you loved me.
Yesterday I watched you pack your ****... my eyes burning holes into your perfect back.
And yesterday I broke the window of her car, glass shattered across her face, and I felt no shame when she cried or you yelled.
And yesterday I walked and walked and walked until my feet were bruised and swollen and bleeding because I just wanted you to know I can feel pain too.

I wanted to **** time with you until my head spun around and around with dizziness that you make me feel.
But by the end of the night we sat awkward and drunk counting the minutes till sunrise when I could sober myself up to drive home...
You said you no longer wanted to be alive.
I told you you were just drunk and I loved you.
You yelled at me from across the table asking so many questions I couldn't answer and I just cried.
Because I loved you so much... And I wish I could give you a mirror to show you how I enamored every single piece of you.
And I would write you letters every day telling you how amazing you are in every way.
I would kiss you every hour, every second of the day if it would bring you out of this funk.
Instead we sat at your dining room table staring at each other with sadness and fear... Drunk and reminiscing the better days... Eating Mac n cheese...
I will love you till the day I die and beyond.. As pathetic as it may seem.

I'm trading in sleep for long nights of Midori Sours and New Found Glory blasting through the speakers in my room.
I'm trading in time with friends for solitude and The Wonder Years telling me to become a pirate for the **** of it.
I spend more time drinking away the pain and listening to Pop Punk then I do trying to better myself.
I tell myself to get the **** out of bed but then Blink-182 reminds me of you and I go down another beer.
As The Sweller's told me last night "I wish you could see inside my head..." but you don't actually give a **** anymore.
I'm pretty sure if I took the time to get out of bed and go make something of my life again you would come back... but I'm feeling self pity and I'll stick to my Pop Punk Remedies for now.

Rows of daisies surround me as I lie in this grass dreaming of hollow bottles etched in gold--
I don't often dream of princesses and castle made of gold but when I do I go big--
You left me at the alter in a white dress holding flowers you hand picked the day before--
You told me beautiful lies about distant lands & we knew money could buy us just enough happiness--
I felt selfish and shallow, taking the money you handed to me like it was free candy it you insisted it was what I had to do--
And it's okay now since you left me beacause I'm finding a cure--
I've let my hair down and walked into the open fields that surround me letting the sun shine down on my face --
I made a crown of flowers as I took a deep breath & realized I wasn't meant for the royal life--
You left me at the alter in a white dress with cheap flowers you said you hand picked and I left you six feet beneath the ground in debt--

I knew this girl who lived by the sea up somewhere in Oregon... never could I remember the **** city.
She used to write me letters... she would tell me all about her life there, about the nature around her and the way the trees would speak to her during the rain storms... I always said she was born in the wrong era.
She was beautiful this girl... Blonde hair to her waist, bright green eyes that seemed to glow in the dark... she was spunky too always had to argue with someone about something. We had been best friends for years and I loved her like family.. but people
She used to tell me how she quit smoking years back... She just didn't feel the need to anymore after living by the sea... but she said she would go on her porch holding a stick pretending to smoke just to remember how it felt to be sad... I always thought that was the craziest thing I had ever heard until I did the same thing one day.

I knew this girl she lived by the Sea somewhere in Oregon... I always wish  I could remember the city. She killed herself last week.. Jumped off a bridge into that blue ocean.
I was told it was a cloudy day and she wore a long skirt and flowers in her hair... she was stunning I was told... She called that day, left me a message on my phone, I was working couldn't answer you know the usual ******* excuses we give.

I knew this girl... and everyday I wish I still knew her...

I can't remember the sound of your voice, well I can ever so slightly, and I can't remember the way you smiled at things... Those little things.  I try to remember the way your lips felt against mine or the way you played with my hair but these memories are slowly fading.

love me I beg you.
leave me you say softly.

Cigarettes and coffee I'm slowly killing myself with caffeine and nicotine... Everything you hate. I can't sleep anymore, the nightmares of our past fill my head, I just remember so much.. But sometimes it feels better to just give in.

i want to die I whispered to an empty room.
i need you in my life I cried to an empty room.

My friends laugh at me... I have always been so independent except when you come around.
I lose control.
I lose rationality.
I lose all emotions besides lust and love... I become so weak

And I just want you to know... i love you
Even though you'll never realize how much... I truly love you.

I keep driving hoping to find the piece of me I lost way back when. Hoping the next town or city I hit will be the place I know I have to stay. As people pass me by and building grow from small to skyscrapers I'll keep dreaming of better times. The times when we were young and naive. The time when love was love and lust was just a word we hadn't quite figured out the definition yet. Back to when you loved me and I loved you. As I drive through the country I dream of a new me. A happier person with goals and a plan. A me with only the best memories that make me smile instead of cry. A me that people want to be around again.
I may not find the piece of me I lost so long ago... But I will sure find who I am supposed to be along the way.

Sleepless nights filled with emptiness--
You're my east coast heart--
Tired glances from you to I--
Fingers trace hearts on skin--
Lists of creatively shallow optimism--
I'm falling head over heels--
Wrap your hands around me--
Kiss me harder--
Love me deeper--
Follow me-
To this dark lonely grave--
I created this for only....
You & I --