Brianna

Brianna Sep 2013

Sunsets are always prettiest when you're around to watch them with me... but you're not here this morning again...
I watched the snow fall through the cracks in the ice around my window.. It's always warmer when you're there to hold my hand... but you weren't there again.
There was a soft breeze that flowed through my hair... It was almost spring again and I walked along the Santa Cruz coast hoping to see you running up to me.. but you never came around.
It's those little things that seem to scream your name when I least expect it... a song, a kiss from a stranger, a love note found in the attic.
It's those wild things that yell at me when I least want them.. the road trips, the makeup ***, the fights and the panic.
Sunsets seem to fall into place better when it's summer and they show red and purple skies... it's always better when you're around.
I'm sick of the snow falling so I've moved to California begging for some sunshine..wish you were around..

Brianna Sep 2013

For the one I love & the one I used to love.

I learned a lot today about the person I used to love and the person I still love.
He used to be so young and so wild... now he's into drugs.
He is the only one I think about... even when I'm trying to use someone else to make him go away.
He used to be so strong and so caring... now he's weak and sad whether he admits it or not.
He is so weak and alone... and has no idea how much he has hurt me.
He used to be the only one I ever wanted to grow old with.. but he moved on and so did I.
He is the one I still want to grow old and be with... but he's moving on and I can't.
I learned a lot about the boy I used to love... he isn't quite the man he thinks he is... and when I saw him it just made my heart hurt for him... how I want to help him grow.
I learned a lot about the boy I love... he is just trying to figure his life out... I only wish he would figure it out with me instead of leaving me with memories and a wounded heart.
Today I learned a lot about the boy I used to love and the boy I love... I'm not completely over either one of them...
I guess I learned a bit about myself too...

So many memories... It's hurting.

Brianna Sep 2013

He was

He was one of those 'Die Hard Romantic' types of boys.
He had an old soul; he liked old Jazz and Shakespearean Plays.
I found I could never fall in love with those boys though.
I was too independent... I didn't like boys catering to me.. begging to do things for me.
He was so sweet... He had a poetic spirit about him.
He told me once that I smelled of the rain... which made me feel good but so sad.
I found there was nothing I could do to change how I felt about him.
He was just a friend... and I know that hurt him.
He told me about a girl he loved.. he said "you know after 5 years of waiting... I deserve more than a half assed hug and an awkward goodbye"
He was moving soon... this would be our last goodbye as well and he just wanted to know if there would have been a chance had I not been emotionally distraught.
I told him there could have been.
But he's just a friend.

Brianna Sep 2013

Lets be Wildflowers!

We were so high the night we decided to not give one flying ****... because in all honestly how does a **** fly?
It was magical the way were so carefree & wild that night... because there shouldn't be a care if you're free and wild!
We held hands and ran through the sprinklers soaking wet and freezing.... we didn't stop laughing though we just danced in the water.
I remember the way you looked when you looked up at the moon.. it was so innocent.. and I loved you so much more than I ever had... but I couldn't tell you.
I didn't want to tell you not in that moment... not then.

You said "Lets be Wild Flowers"
I said "Is that our new band name?"
You laughed and kissed me... and I couldn't breathe... you had never kissed me.
You said "Lets fall madly in love..."
I said "I already have..."

& we kissed again and danced under the moonlight as if we were wild flowers swaying in the night.

Brianna Sep 2013

No Pain; No Gain.

I walked and walked and walked until my feet were bruised and swollen and bleeding.
I cried that day... all ******* day... and I didn't care one bit who saw me.
I ran that night, on my bruised, swollen, and bleeding feet, I just wanted to feel the pain.
I wanted anything and everything to hurt on my body to make me forget what you did.
I washed the pain away with whiskey and gin-- because I knew it would make sick.
I smoked the whole day-- Just because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke.

Yesterday I felt the pain in my body... the pain I had felt for so long in my heart.
And yesterday I saw you kiss her when you had told me you loved me.
Yesterday I watched you pack your ****... my eyes burning holes into your perfect back.
And yesterday I broke the window of her car, glass shattered across her face, and I felt no shame when she cried or you yelled.
And yesterday I walked and walked and walked until my feet were bruised and swollen and bleeding because I just wanted you to know I can feel pain too.

Brianna Sep 2013

Am I supposed to be Impressed?

It was almost cannibalistic the way I wanted to rip your clothes off and lick you from head to toe.
It was almost sadistic the way you smiled at me as you let me unbutton each button on that red flannel shirt I just can't resist.
It was almost humorous the way you grabbed my hair and slowly but roughly lifted me from my knees... Lips pressing hard against mine.
                                                                        Face Flushed.
                                                                      Hot and Sweaty.
                                               Gasping for Breaths; begging for one more kiss.

It was almost troublesome how I just stopped giving a **** and let you do what you wanted... I wanted to be used and abused.
There was something wrong in the way I couldn't say no that night.. but they way you moved your body... It was fascinating.
                                                                   You're my obsession.
                                                               You're my complication.
                                         You have me completely enamored with everything you do.

It was almost depressing the way you just walked away and left me on the ground.. naked and vulnerable.
It was almost demanding the way I felt the urge to get up and beg you to stay one more night.
It was almost pathetic the way I kept letting this happen every other week...

                                                                   You're an *******.
                                                     I hope you had a really great time.

Brianna Sep 2013

Monsters Monsters Monster!

Monsters in the closets and monsters under my bed I can’t tell you what’s more frightening.
Can I put my feet down near the edge that leads to the black abyss under the bed… or should I jump ten feet away so nothing can grab my heels and drag me under!
Should I walk down that hallway without a weapon? Will I make it out alive or will someone be waiting around that corner to take me down?
Shut all the doors and triple check those locks who knows what is waiting outside to eat me alive….
Sleep deprived I sit on the couch watching the shadows dance across my walls in their devious ways.
Early morning comes around before my body shuts itself down without an idea of the monsters that wait for my eyes to close.
Monsters behind the shower curtain and behind those window blinds…they just wait for the invitation.
Monsters under the bed..
**I’m afraid of the monsters in my head.