Brianna

Brianna Sep 2013

Rain falls harder each time the clock moves its hands.
With each passing minute I am spinning further from reality.
The drugs are not kicking in and I can’t seem to focus on anything anymore.
I hear the neighbors downstairs; they are yelling and slamming their doors.
The neighbors behind me have the same anger problems that everyone else around me has.
I can’t sleep anymore as the paranoia kicks in I am losing all control.
Was that the door? Is someone trying to break in? Is someone in the house or am I really alone?
Paranoid and alone I dread the moment I actually fall into that peaceful sleep afraid of what will happen if I don’t wake up.
I’m scared and no one understands this terror I feel each night before I go to sleep.
There’s no reason for it I’m letting my imagination get the best of me as I walk down that dark hallway.
Turning on all the lights in the house just doesn't help me as much as it should.
Tonight I’ll sleep on the couch again wishing for a cure to this state of mind.
Hoping tomorrow I can retreat to the bedroom again and sleep in my bed and not be afraid of the darkness that surrounds me.

Brianna Sep 2013

I had finally won.

You were brutally honest and assertive as well as terribly rude.. and yet I loved it.
I loved how you never admitted you were wrong and just went with it like nothing had happened... It was kind of cute for a while.
I think back to the days of learning each other inside and out... the way our bodies connected was anything but innocent.
You had green eyes and sandy blonde hair that was wavy when you let it grow out.
You had such a way of walking with your head held high it was almost a turn on the way your confidence shown through.
But it was all a lie. You are the most perfect liar.
You were hiding behind those demons you so enthusiastically put me down for having myself.
You were hiding behind self pity that you constantly reminded me of in myself.
You couldn't admit you were wrong because you are a coward. I told you I felt like this was a game... you were so angry that night because I had finally stood up to you.
I told you I wouldn't do this again until you committed... and you sat there staring at the wall fuming... but never said one word... and you watched me walk out the door.
I left. I went home and I cried for hours and yet you never called.
I build those walls back up just to make myself stronger for the moment... and I went one with life.
I saw you a year later.. you looked so confident still... except to me.
I saw the fear in your eyes when you caught my glance.
I saw you catch your breath finally, secretively, admitting you were wrong.
And I smiled... I smiled at walked away...and I knew...

I knew I had finally won.

Brianna Sep 2013

D.C. Passion...

I liked the way you laughed at me in that bar in D.C. when I told you how adorable you could be.
We had been friends for so long... we had so much history.
I liked the way you stared at me as I drank down my second Midori Sour... you just stared without judgement.
We had so much chemistry... it was going to be so easy.
I liked the way you held my hand as we walked back to the hotel in the rain laughing at nothing scaring everyone around us as we stumbled through streets we didn't know.
We had so much energy.... It was going to happen again...
I liked the way you sat on the couch and watched me take my shirt off and walk to the room grinning like a fool...
You had such passion and fire in those eyes... I wanted to be ravaged from head to toe.
I liked the way you took my body and made it one with yours... nothing could have went wrong that night.
Lust was in the air... loud and excited.
I liked waking up to you next to me in the morning feeling like everything was so perfect... you were so perfect...

*What happened to that passion we had that night?

I just want to go back to the hotel in D.C. ... with you...

Brianna Sep 2013

I can't stop.

I just can't stop these tears from flowing down my face and these headaches feel like a hammer pounding in my head.
I can't stop the shaking that happens when there is no other emotions besides feeling complete and total stress. I can't erase everything I feel and that's all I want in life right now.
I am breaking down.
I am falling apart.
And you just are not here.
You used to be here for me.. you were my rock for so long and I can't trust anyone anymore.
I just can't stop these memories from flooding the inside of my head... I just can't stop the tears from flowing down my face.
I can't stop this pain.

Brianna Sep 2013

Lost Hope

Quietly screaming on the inside I know no one can hear me from up this high.
There was something in the way you said I will love you always and forever.
Warmness takes over the body as the alcohol runs through my system and I didn't mean to drink this much and it’s time to lie down.
These are the fights that no one knew about. These are the moments suspended forever in time.
We were one; we were in love.
There are bruises on my skin from all the needles I've been sticking in the arms that were once held by you.
I was quietly screaming and now I’m shouting at the top of my lungs I hope you’re happy.
Cars pass by and I am undetected high above those crowded New York streets.
There is something about the East Coast and a lost romance.
My West Coast heart aches and I miss the sound of waves crashing upon the empty beach.
As I plan to jump from this building I know there is nothing I can do to make you come home especially jumping from a building.
Crying I take myself off the ledge and plan my trip back to the West Coast love
and hope
I never have to quietly
scream for help
ever again.

Brianna Sep 2013

War

Guns were being fired the day you left for war. I couldn’t stop the tears that fell down my pale cheeks… there was nothing anyone could do to cheer me. I heard the children scream at me from the window but I couldn't console them… all I saw was you in a desert so far away. You told me nothing would happen; you said you’d come back safely. Those were the last words I ever heard from you. The last time I saw you was the day you walked down those stairs too a war that didn't deserve your help. Your eyes so full of love… your voice full of peace. A Minister would have been a better profession than a Marine. Now I stand at your grave with roses as red as the blood on your hands and I cry. I scream.... I fall… and I sit there begging the heavens above to bring you back to me. To not let this be the end of your smiling face or your warm hands holding mine, I scream that justice comes to those who have turned our blue skies grey. And I fall silent… and I pray that you and I will meet again in the future and that I shall never forget you. **I love you.

Brianna Sep 2013

Black on Black

She said "Black on Black is what makes it so much easier to pretend I just don't care"
I told her I had no idea what she meant... She laughed.
She painted her lips with blood red lipstick and inched her skinny legs into dark black fishnet stockings.
She wore nothing less than 10" heels and could walk elegantly in them as well.
She said "Black on Black makes me forget the job I have to do... It makes it easier to blend in."
I told her she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to... She smiled.
Black laced underwear and a padded bra with long black hair and make-up for days.
She said " Black on Black... whenever you're sad remember that Black can hide almost anything you want it to." And then she left.
I wanted to tell her I loved her & she would always be my sister no matter what she chose to do.
That night she went out.. doing her job like she always does except she didn't come home.
And just like the night sky... she faded into that black on black...