give me a pill to rid these beautiful dreams
because I'm tired of the morning heart ache
for a formed future that does not exist

nutella and bread
riding next to you
as we traveled to the school ahead
adventuring the same path
every break of day
I wore a scarf and a coat
to contain my heartbreak
it was winter after all
you drove me insane
I was helplessly in love with our past
it was as if I was mourning the loss
of when I had you last
while we were still intertwined
looking back now
my love for you never died
I could love you forever
and we still wouldn't be
my handfuls of surrender
aren't enough for you and me

I like you
like I like myself
hairy legged
hollowed eyes
organic thighs

my taste for you
is breaking my mind

it's easier to lie to myself and say
I'm not falling in love
because it scares me so badly
it's easier to fall out

I'm just a bear cub
following your ways
to see what's okay

I haven’t washed my hair in a few days.
I wiped off all of my makeup.
People ask me what my eyebrows look like without makeup.
I tell them that’s something I wish to keep to myself.
I share my bare face with lovers as if it’s a privilege.
When having that lover in the first place is a privilege in itself.
I’m on call tomorrow.
I have a psychiatrist appointment at 12 and it’s 30 minutes away.
I have a psychologist appointment at 4 and it’s 30 minutes away.
I bought things at Michael’s today to make glitter jars.
I want to share them with you.
Especially when you’re around big crowds in small spaces.
Especially when it’s a bad day and you don’t want to get out of bed.
I wish I had a jar right now, my feelings won’t stop swarming around.

I took a shine to him
my heart sticking as if covered in adhesive
a silver silence monitored by detection devices
how fast am I racing
incense smothering the scent of my chain smoking
while I document my sadness on graph paper
I try to find reasoning behind every feeling I have
cognitive reality pulls against me
the way your petite body strings me along
the cowardice I reveal while you hold my heart against a knife
I'll plead with you for a title
with it taken away I am nothing

and on my own I know I'm grown beaten down by hammers and drills my mind breaks from the pressure it takes to cry every time you say goodbye we will never be together I lie because I know what really hurts is my heart but my head feels fine without you because I am my own person and that's fine but the punishment fits the crime

I want to love a radical chick
with brightly colored hair and tattoos on her arms
piercings under her skin and
doc martins stomping on the ground
smoking **** and dancing
in dark open fields
playfully doing somersaults
falling on her ***
and holding me under her arm
never without her beanie
or her sarcastically loving tone
I want a radical girl to call my own

I'll bake my cookie dough like you know I hate to do
and I'll watch reality tv like I know you hate I do
and I'll sit alone at the kitchen counter like I hate to do
when I'm wasting away over you

It seems to me that I love you
and I'll show you this poem in a few months
when you ask me how I feel about you
or if by then you love me too
but maybe by then you'll have better things to do


your eyes are glossy and I sneak
a look and I layed my head near your neck
and shook while I feel your heartbeat against my cheek
and hopefully you'll hear me screaming in my head

*kiss me
kiss me
kiss me

sitting ****** like a skipping stone
I feel the weight of your imagined embrace
and I can't think of a time that I didn't want this
I want to kiss you now

remember this: heated passenger seats
and electrifying moments
discussing broken feelings and
forgetting shattered promises

honesty breaks the string to my tongue
I speak and speak and speak
and I've misplaced my tone
but I'm so much less alone

I want to smile again
hold your head to my heart
Smell your scent on my sheets

I want to pick up a trail of your left belongings
unravel your belt and remember what you left with me
a choice of life or death in nights
you left me alone

Keep me in mind when you lie in bed
with another girl
who you want to hold your heart
but she can't, she can't
because my tortured soul is holding it captive
until you come back to the broken mess of me you left

a warm glass of milk running down my throat like the half full half empty season of regret when out of no where it is my turn to mourn and through losing myself I've lost you wake up it's morning and you have to live another day and you know what?

I'm numb

1.
you told me you could mess up my lipstick and not my mascara
but then I woke up to a blush stained pillow case and a wrinkled comforter
and my pack of cigarettes were stuck between my bed and the wall
with handfuls of bad luck I can finger paint it all

2.
a white oleander beginning keeps the stars in my eyes like wounds from the sky
and I gaze out into the space in front of me at the books I've scarred and stung
without a mother and a father I am alone and I know
I can't smile tonight when I'm feeling so low

3.
so I'm thinking that a book for you will bring us back together
we'll share it between us like 50 chicken nuggets in the summer
and we'll challenge each other to find the deepest sides of the words
staying nervous I am speaking in tongues and my outburst occurs

4.
don't come to me with arrogance and smile at me with your anger
don't scare me again tonight because I can't ******* take it
and I think I'm done with our fights and pointed fingers
my love for you, it lingers

you cling to me like I'm the answer to all of your questions
can you let go?
I'm less than a gravel road
no more than another ****.
I understand where you are, I understand who you aren't
break it, buy it, sell it back.
I wish you hadn't choked.

and as I mourn the loss of you
I can only imagine you as a memory
as a dream of *******
and a ghost of goodbyes
so let me mourn
it is not the same

I miss you today
when I'm struggling to parallel park
when I'm thinking of new tattoo ideas
when I get frustrated searching

for a lighter in my purse
or with my mother
or with the distance

when I spill giant cups of soda every where
and when I put on lingerie to enjoy by myself
I miss you that day, too

when I feel fragile and I paint sad things on my walls
when I cry in the darkness of my bath tub
with scalding water raining down on my fresh flesh

I miss you then as well

one day I promise to be less fragile for you
I won't take every kiss on my forehead too literally
and when you hold my hand I'll know it doesn't mean a thing
but I hope that one day it means something again
maybe as much as the handfuls of goodbyes you've spent on me
or the dumpsters full of hellos you've saved

We've fallen apart
but not in pieces
in shards of a globe
that will lead us back to home

I've spent so many late nights and early mornings writing prose in my head
under the pressure of the shower and the heat of the volcano shedding lava on my skin
I spread the wash on my body thinking of you being there as we take turns in the water
my skin burns when I step out and my head rushes as I remember all of the times you passed me my towel and wrapped yourself in yours
I can't think of a time when I haven't wanted you deep within me
whether you were writhing inside of me or pulsing beside me in your sleep
most specifically I can't remember a time when you weren't
in the deepest ventricles of my heart

I left a note in my phone for you
a subtle hint that I want more
a shy gesture that I need it

I rushed my last goodbye with you
a silly awkward wave of bore
a shy gesture that I need it

I sang my final song to you
a melody of our time before
a shy gesture that I'm over it

I like to wrap myself in the warm shield of your pillow
and overwhelm my pores with your scent
and your grace
I want you to stay around
but my slumber is having me cling to you
to stay safe

and I'm afraid I'm running you away

I want to fall into the virtual arms of another
To sing with a dove over days up ahead
I want to steal the vibe of a single yellow flower
To create a vibrant aura of love and humbleness

I think of times in elapsed homes and wonder if binding my hands with yours would have treated that isolation. I remember how cold my skin would become and I felt as if my veins would ice over like a great glacier beneath my frame. Not a single thing made sense while I was seven years old, not a single moment of reassurance was granted. Another afternoon I spent in a large wooden canvas that was my home, I felt as broken as a victim. Sit next to me while my limbs shake mercilessly; remind me why I’m here.
I have woken up to one more morning where my façade is raw and my heart feels constricted. I knew this was serious when your name was spoken for the first time and I lost my mind. I have lost my mind.

your long eyelashes, closed for sleep
my rejected hand mingles in your strands of unmanageable hair
my slumbers spent next to you, meant as nothing more than a convenience
my back aches as I wake up from embracing you
thoughtlessly a bad habit

take me to your swing set
sit me down and kiss me right on my dry forehead
my bottom lip will hold on for a little too long
but you push me forward and I feel like an angel
about to take flight
but I'm gonna fall down
because I'm so **** clumsy

you're there to catch
my broken hands
and heart

a steady start

I want it to last
like a hurricane of love
in a drought of loneliness

secluded buildings branch our ways
like center parts
and subways

like taxi cabs full of compliments
homeless people full from harvest
books stacked high next to a fan

a tone that reminds me that you
are calling my name
like a terror erased by your care

a print out of your work
next to a scrap copy of my own
a wall full of canvas

you just fill me in

How do you move on from something like what we had? Words are flowing out of me like I’ve been taken over by an erupting volcano. I’ve thought of you every day for months, I’ve imagined my future so much differently with your light shining on it. You’ve taken me higher than anyone, you’ve made me feel when I was unconscious, completely left astray by the world.

I can do nothing less than thank you, love you, hopelessly adore who you once were. Your hands touched me with such exposing force, I knew exactly who you were and what you felt. I’ve known you like a ship and its sailor for almost half a year and it has been so beautiful. Your love has caused me to recognize growth and appreciate being constant. As of now, I’m lost and terrified of every second I have to brave. But I know it will get better, as it always does. What I’m going through is just a footnote, and I am a changed person because of what we had. Thank you.

I don't want to count
but I know you were probably my 12th relationship

I hate counting
but I think you were my 28th love interest

But thank you for the *******
because it all lines up with the 11
and 27 before

there is nothing worse than polaroiding every thing that will remind me of you. how empty green fields open my eyes to fantasies that used to be plans, my thoughts screeching in the background, don’t put your arm around me on your front porch, your living room couch

somewhere there is a script for every past love, psychiatrist’s legal pads filled with paragraphs of repeated sentences and ticks (where I just can’t stop touching my fingertips) because I’d rather be touching you

it takes more than a hopeless romantic to save someone who isn’t stable, whose emotions can make the worst of them, they need someone who can hold them down and scream that they’re worth more than a golden ticket, they’re prettier than the brightest tulips, he can’t hurt you anymore, but you weren’t that, if I was in pain you closed your eyes

I can think of so many ways to ask you to stay. I feel like I’ve already emptied out my mason jar of them to the half-way mark. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what anything means. I just know that you’ll never feel for me the way I feel for you. I know that you will find someone that will love you in every way you need, and I know that person may not be me. If I said the idea of that made me happy, I’d be lying. I can’t be the ever-positive ex, I can’t promise you that someone else can know the right moments to touch your back. I can’t promise you that someone else will force you to open up to them when you’re upset. I can’t promise you that they’ll be able to hold your weeping head to their chest and they’ll feel the heartbreak I did every time you cried. I can’t even promise you that you’ll wake up holding another girls hand and it feel the way it felt for me. I can only promise you things I know. I promise you that every time you hear a song off of take this to your grave you’ll remember the night we all sang those songs drunk and in love with the worst and best of each other. I promise you that when you read these things you won’t look back at them and they probably won’t really even phase you. I promise you that you’ll always do your best to get to Moe’s on Mondays for your burrito that you won’t most always don't finish. I promise you that you’ll always have the best taste in whiskey, and you will always love the playlists I make. I promise you that the sun will rise every morning just for you, and you will smoke a cigarette to welcome it. I promise you that you will wear a striped shirt at least six out of seven days of the week, and blue jeans five out of seven. I promise you that you will have a soft hum of my voice in the back of your head every time you buy a new pack of marlboro smooths, better yet I promise that you’ll never buy the 100’s because of that. I can promise you all of those things, I can promise you myself.

a fever isn't just a heated state it's a trance where an even temperature escalates into a dangerous smothering absorption of all moisture, health and grief like walking on a ceiling, I am confused and allured by your violent embraces and how they affect my fever the smile your back makes as I graze you I'm tormented by our forever through the time I've spent wandering I have gathered few things butterfly wings and summer soundtracks to sing

I'm flying
eyes closed
back arched
I'm wounded

self inflicted charms an over beating heart a piano plays through my fingertips my leg gets their heavy beating I do not own a thing I do not own my body I do not own this soul I let free the words I hold onto the moods I've always gone to
I am
I am
I am

*a figment

when I am the most vulnerable I go to let you in
but you push against me, like the wind
and I stare into a breathing mass, a struggle made from heavy tears
I'm looking for a reason, but all I see are three long years

I am broken and when I go to break you down
you bring me down with you
so I am looking for a reason
and I found it

it's such a long way to you and back
but I will do any thing to just be a happy thought
in your head
or a beating break in your heart
any thing with a meaning
I dare myself to be it
but I'm every thing but any thing

three blue trucks with discolored passenger doors
three huge steps to kissing under floorboards
three slighted moves to embracing under street lights
three backwards motions to remembering our small fights

four eleven two thousand
and twelve

placing you on those
three shelves

we'll hide together on a gravel pull off
a side to a road we travel every day
the chill is beating down on us
setting fire to the grounds we fall apart on
spreading us into the ashes we dreamed of
as our remains dissolve into each other
we are together again

before I understood what constituted as love I understood that there was a hole in my upper arteries where your fingerprints laced my vessels and scraped the blood clean from my veins

I knew what you had taken, and that was the entirety of loss, you caused a high that pressured me down to a flat-lined level; you'd broken no falls, dealt no hands, glued back no ties

that's why I always knew when it was you pathetically knocking at my door, you, waiting to break me down again and that's a satisfaction you will never see, goodnight to you
goodnight from me

When I'm alive, I hate you
And when I'm dead, I want you around

I'm done with stolen hearts, I hate you
and when I'm dead, I want you around

I'm exhausted from this broken mess, I hate you
and when I'm dead, I want you around

I love her like I loathe tomorrow
a broken smile
a sauntering denial

I love her like a confused mind
a spoken rhyme
a bewildering crime

I love her like I don't know how
and I want to show her
I'll tell her now

dish soap soaked rags ripening my skin
as my hands dry out and ache for moisture

an ache for love pruning my skin
as my heart drys out and aches for moisture

I remember waking up to screaming
to loud tvs and sometimes old hip hop playing on our sound system
the lightened heavy twang of country from my old radio being smothered
I could hear you cussing and throwing dishes in the sink

I could hear your heavy sighs and your angry tone under your breath
and I remember waking ***** up to feel comfortable again
I remember crawling in her bed because she was the only place I was safe
and I remember when you threw the gasoline in his eyes
when we were locked out of the house

I remember coming home to an empty house, scared and tired
and screaming at ***** because I needed to take it out on someone
because god forbid me from taking it out on you
and now you want to be my friend
because you can't be a mother

and ***** is off in her new life and we stick together
under the heated lamp of the pressure you still put on both of us
and the other afternoon I woke up again to you slamming a door
and throwing your bags around
and huffing and shouting to yourself
but this time you thought you were alone

maybe that's where you're safest
alone

but now you'll take it all out on her
your mania will worsen through the years
I'll leave, I've left
and you blame me for your misery
but you hide it some days
so I leave you alone
because that's where you're safest

I think it's in my blood to love
to be aloof among white picket fences
to scar easily and to cry under a witch's spell
rearrange my things
throw them away
give them away
I'm going to give you away
you're just old ***** laundry
with a stronger stench to you

I'm stuck
in a coin pouch of conscious
In a brain of confusion
overwhelming anxiety

I'm sick
of a diagnosed state
of a mental stability analysis
of a dosage upped after every visit

I'm alone