nutella and bread
riding next to you
as we traveled to the school ahead
adventuring the same path
every break of day
I wore a scarf and a coat
to contain my heartbreak
it was winter after all
you drove me insane
I was helplessly in love with our past
it was as if I was mourning the loss
of when I had you last
while we were still intertwined
looking back now
my love for you never died
I could love you forever
and we still wouldn't be
my handfuls of surrender
aren't enough for you and me

swimming in a dropout ocean
drowning in disease
scented waters sleeping in
discussing bended knees

swelling ear drums underwhelmed
living in a giving tree
standing under shadowed rainfall
continuously breaking keys

taking time run out tonight
climbing my own refugee
single spirited willow jars
sorting through debris

when you die I'll get your ashes
I'll form bar graphs and pie charts
of how many times I made you laugh
when I helped you heal
how I made you feel

I could see when you were happiest
and when you were the saddest
I can see how much money you spent at Starbucks
and how many hours you worked
and how many miles were driven from our homes

how many times you left your things with  me
how many cds I listened to on my way to see you
how many haircuts you gave me
and how many poems I've written you

1.
You feel her as you walk into the room
you hesitate with every foot forward
turn around turn back now
you don't

2.
You decide you are fully comfortable
with your broken bones
and fragile hands
so you acknowledge this
and she doesn't

3.
You brush it off, but you run
and you look to yourself
and you think
am I ready
you're ready

4.
You need time, so you indulge
and you weep a blood bank
and you're not ready
you won't let her go
and you don't

I want it to last
like a hurricane of love
in a drought of loneliness

secluded buildings branch our ways
like center parts
and subways

like taxi cabs full of compliments
homeless people full from harvest
books stacked high next to a fan

a tone that reminds me that you
are calling my name
like a terror erased by your care

a print out of your work
next to a scrap copy of my own
a wall full of canvas

you just fill me in

I left a note in my phone for you
a subtle hint that I want more
a shy gesture that I need it

I rushed my last goodbye with you
a silly awkward wave of bore
a shy gesture that I need it

I sang my final song to you
a melody of our time before
a shy gesture that I'm over it

I love her like I loathe tomorrow
a broken smile
a sauntering denial

I love her like a confused mind
a spoken rhyme
a bewildering crime

I love her like I don't know how
and I want to show her
I'll tell her now

you call yourself an acosmist
walking around believing nothing exists
filling window sills with forgotten promises
and burnt out joints
spending every minute high and out of your mind
it's a comforting delusion if nothing disappoints

well, I think you've forgotten the hair I cut last summer
the weeks it took to get you out of a slumber
the nights I spent a room away
brooding over ways to have you stay another day
spending early mornings smoking cancer sticks
sorting the magic in my bag of tricks

see, I have yet to forget the pain I felt against your hip
the countless songs sung together in harmony
the way I fit above your voice, like a symphony
how come it's bitter if I'm better and it's lonely when I'm not
a disease that will surely make me forget her
it isn't something I could be taught

I like you
like I like myself
hairy legged
hollowed eyes
organic thighs

my taste for you
is breaking my mind

"You're difficult to love." Who says these things? Like swinging on a broken swing or swimming in an empty sea. Any place you don't leave is a prison, and you left me like the breath of your very last sentence.

love's apostate
a former demise
I bloom a fervid admiration
a hatred never heard
commensurable to my own
a soul never alone

you remind me of clicking a pen
a substantial lack of ink
a relaxing sound of consistency
remarkably calming
and missed when long gone

I can think of so many ways to ask you to stay. I feel like I’ve already emptied out my mason jar of them to the half-way mark. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what anything means. I just know that you’ll never feel for me the way I feel for you. I know that you will find someone that will love you in every way you need, and I know that person may not be me. If I said the idea of that made me happy, I’d be lying. I can’t be the ever-positive ex, I can’t promise you that someone else can know the right moments to touch your back. I can’t promise you that someone else will force you to open up to them when you’re upset. I can’t promise you that they’ll be able to hold your weeping head to their chest and they’ll feel the heartbreak I did every time you cried. I can’t even promise you that you’ll wake up holding another girls hand and it feel the way it felt for me. I can only promise you things I know. I promise you that every time you hear a song off of take this to your grave you’ll remember the night we all sang those songs drunk and in love with the worst and best of each other. I promise you that when you read these things you won’t look back at them and they probably won’t really even phase you. I promise you that you’ll always do your best to get to Moe’s on Mondays for your burrito that you won’t most always don't finish. I promise you that you’ll always have the best taste in whiskey, and you will always love the playlists I make. I promise you that the sun will rise every morning just for you, and you will smoke a cigarette to welcome it. I promise you that you will wear a striped shirt at least six out of seven days of the week, and blue jeans five out of seven. I promise you that you will have a soft hum of my voice in the back of your head every time you buy a new pack of marlboro smooths, better yet I promise that you’ll never buy the 100’s because of that. I can promise you all of those things, I can promise you myself.

she doesn't like her eggs like that!
she steals the spatula from dad's hand and slices open the yolk dad had preserved
I hear my name being called from inside the kitchen every three and a half minutes
briana don't forget
briana you have to do this
take us to the airport tomorrow morning
we have to leave by 8:30 am
dad what do I do about my car
take it back he says
and he yells at me
and that's how I know I am home
so I disappear into my room to light up a joint I've been saving
he gets a question right on jeopardy
two commercial breaks later he tells me a story
about bejing
and that's how he knew the answer to that question
and I said okay
and he said isn't that weird that I can remember that
and I looked away and thought
no, because you have aspergers
honey, don't forget to take your digestive supplement
okay mom
ok

and I like you like a paved street
an empty hallway
and a hall pass

and I want you like a refresher from Starbucks
a new scarf
and used books

and I like you like a full battery
a new musical in theaters
a book that we share

and I want you like thick mascara
a new haircut
and change

so stick around

I like to wrap myself in the warm shield of your pillow
and overwhelm my pores with your scent
and your grace
I want you to stay around
but my slumber is having me cling to you
to stay safe

and I'm afraid I'm running you away

you told me to climb out of that well to reach your love
and I told you that mama said no
that the h2o would keep me pure and to let that water flow
and you said, hey beautiful, lend me that hand
to pull me out of the deep maroon land drenched with sand
but mama said no, she couldn't let me go

so I rushed in the suburban skies to find a star that points like you
to sew back the break in the love that we grew
but my well has got me lowerin' down
and mama's gonna let me drown

you screamed, just fly, give me that hand of rings I made for two
and grow with me again tonight, mama's got better things to do
so I plunge to the bottom to bounce up to the top and show you I've got plans
but mama sees a smile in me and makes me cry and grabs my hand

cause mama said I gotta stay down low
to keep a better show for the love you wanna know
and I said to mama, aint nobody gonna steal my love for you
not another day will go by while I'm stuck in your womb

and mama said no, I can't go
so I grabbed mama's hand,
dove to the bottom and kept her there
I said mama, the well is gonna bring you down
I'm sorry I'm your well, but it's time for you to drown

and this time mama didn't say no
cause mama couldn't cry
and mama couldn't moan
and I said, baby come bring me back to home

and that's where we are
and mama's all alone

there is nothing more comfortable
than the bed in my sanctuary
in a light blue room
with the perfect amount of pillows
and warmth
like a giving tree
that keeps me safe
and lets me love
and keeps me whole

I want to love a radical chick
with brightly colored hair and tattoos on her arms
piercings under her skin and
doc martins stomping on the ground
smoking **** and dancing
in dark open fields
playfully doing somersaults
falling on her ***
and holding me under her arm
never without her beanie
or her sarcastically loving tone
I want a radical girl to call my own

I think it's in my blood to love
to be aloof among white picket fences
to scar easily and to cry under a witch's spell
rearrange my things
throw them away
give them away
I'm going to give you away
you're just old ***** laundry
with a stronger stench to you

I saw you last year this time
I can't believe I was the last person of my family to see you
I can't believe I never saw the letter
I can't believe your belt was your last way out
I can't believe the way I cried at your funeral
I can't believe that I chain smoked outside
and saw so many of my mothers and fathers
as they all hunched over to cry

I just remember loving you dearly
watching you dance for sobriety
and win
and I remember the photos of mom in her old salon
your hair was so big
well, that was the 80s
and I'm sad I didn't live it with you
I can't believe I was the last person to see you
I can't believe you killed yourself
I still can't believe it
So I'll visit your tree in Piedmont Park
and think of all the things I can believe

my head is humming from a lack of you
like a constant headache from the wrong prescription
a pounding in my fingertips from cigarette withdrawal
a stomach ache from
far
too
many
pills

I wonder if you knew what you were doing
did you know you were making my insides raw
emotionally
and physically

and did you think that your daughter
would be reading ****** abuse memoirs
obsessively

and cutting her arms until the scars
hurt worse than the wounds themselves
did you know I would do anything to be
noticed

by anyone but you
did you know you would cause me to have
to see you with company

and did you know that you would
cause me to cry
at any
small
thing

and did you think that your abuse
was the best present you could give me?

thank you for causing me to hate
happy birthday
and big crowds where small things can happen

small things
that would ruin me in 5 minutes
that aren't small at all
*and many more

we'll hide together on a gravel pull off
a side to a road we travel every day
the chill is beating down on us
setting fire to the grounds we fall apart on
spreading us into the ashes we dreamed of
as our remains dissolve into each other
we are together again

I miss you today
when I'm struggling to parallel park
when I'm thinking of new tattoo ideas
when I get frustrated searching

for a lighter in my purse
or with my mother
or with the distance

when I spill giant cups of soda every where
and when I put on lingerie to enjoy by myself
I miss you that day, too

when I feel fragile and I paint sad things on my walls
when I cry in the darkness of my bath tub
with scalding water raining down on my fresh flesh

I miss you then as well

I need things explained
like why cereals cut the roof of my mouth
why I bite my nails too low too often
why my dogs bark at 3 am
why I want a partner so badly
why I'm stuck on old memories
why I've let go of every friend I've had
why a letter has to equal a number
why my parents think it's best to leave me alone
why I suffer from such severe depression
why I can't stick to a routine
why I exist
but I do not live

dish soap soaked rags ripening my skin
as my hands dry out and ache for moisture

an ache for love pruning my skin
as my heart drys out and aches for moisture

I remember waking up to screaming
to loud tvs and sometimes old hip hop playing on our sound system
the lightened heavy twang of country from my old radio being smothered
I could hear you cussing and throwing dishes in the sink

I could hear your heavy sighs and your angry tone under your breath
and I remember waking ***** up to feel comfortable again
I remember crawling in her bed because she was the only place I was safe
and I remember when you threw the gasoline in his eyes
when we were locked out of the house

I remember coming home to an empty house, scared and tired
and screaming at ***** because I needed to take it out on someone
because god forbid me from taking it out on you
and now you want to be my friend
because you can't be a mother

and ***** is off in her new life and we stick together
under the heated lamp of the pressure you still put on both of us
and the other afternoon I woke up again to you slamming a door
and throwing your bags around
and huffing and shouting to yourself
but this time you thought you were alone

maybe that's where you're safest
alone

but now you'll take it all out on her
your mania will worsen through the years
I'll leave, I've left
and you blame me for your misery
but you hide it some days
so I leave you alone
because that's where you're safest

before I understood what constituted as love I understood that there was a hole in my upper arteries where your fingerprints laced my vessels and scraped the blood clean from my veins

I knew what you had taken, and that was the entirety of loss, you caused a high that pressured me down to a flat-lined level; you'd broken no falls, dealt no hands, glued back no ties

that's why I always knew when it was you pathetically knocking at my door, you, waiting to break me down again and that's a satisfaction you will never see, goodnight to you
goodnight from me

second-hand smoke makes me sick
but I've always got a cigarette in hand
Egyptian tiles line the walls of my brain
thick mud holding down the structure that is diminishing
makeup smears across my face
small sayings line my eyelids
like heavy lashes peeling off
my thoughts fall apart
just as I do
without the attention

give me a pill to rid these beautiful dreams
because I'm tired of the morning heart ache
for a formed future that does not exist

I want a future with a husband
a bouquet and a broken heart
I want a smile and some roses
a family and a fragile start

I want a present with a partner
a routine and a pill case
I want a laugh and some kissing
an open heart and a stable place

I want a past with a better scheme
a lover and not a fling
I want a commitment and morality
erased mistake like a bee sting

I think of times in elapsed homes and wonder if binding my hands with yours would have treated that isolation. I remember how cold my skin would become and I felt as if my veins would ice over like a great glacier beneath my frame. Not a single thing made sense while I was seven years old, not a single moment of reassurance was granted. Another afternoon I spent in a large wooden canvas that was my home, I felt as broken as a victim. Sit next to me while my limbs shake mercilessly; remind me why I’m here.
I have woken up to one more morning where my façade is raw and my heart feels constricted. I knew this was serious when your name was spoken for the first time and I lost my mind. I have lost my mind.

your long eyelashes, closed for sleep
my rejected hand mingles in your strands of unmanageable hair
my slumbers spent next to you, meant as nothing more than a convenience
my back aches as I wake up from embracing you
thoughtlessly a bad habit

I  can't remember the day I fell in love with tootsie rolls and I don't remember how long you stayed until you left home and I definitely don't know how old I was when you gave up on me.

I can remember waking up without you home and you hiding in your room "paying bills", but getting ****** and I remember the nights I spent outside alone, because I knew you had given up on me.

I think about you sometimes
and when I do it makes me ******* sick to my stomach
like you're the root of my ******* anxiety
and depression
you literally make me queasy and I can't ******* stand you
so I'll delete all of my photos with you
because looking at your face
feels like an engagement with the ******* devil

a warm glass of milk running down my throat like the half full half empty season of regret when out of no where it is my turn to mourn and through losing myself I've lost you wake up it's morning and you have to live another day and you know what?

I'm numb

and on my own I know I'm grown beaten down by hammers and drills my mind breaks from the pressure it takes to cry every time you say goodbye we will never be together I lie because I know what really hurts is my heart but my head feels fine without you because I am my own person and that's fine but the punishment fits the crime

I woke up from another dream where we were whole and home together
another world where I was irrelevant, yet we were all that was spoken of
and games were played between us as we pined for each other over seven full years
and you asked me that question of commitment four days before my birthday
and 75 days before yours

I fell asleep watching some sappy movie that made this world seem sweeter than it is
another world where love was relevant and endearing and that was all that was spoken of
and smiles and break ups were thrown between them for seven full years
and he asked her that question of commitment on valentines day
and I thought to myself
god, that's the ******* worst day to be engaged

I think I meant to say I love you
but all that came out was you too
and we all know that too is a danger
and that you are as well

see, I'm not going anywhere
I'll hermit up with you
and we can make love in total silence
or die in complete agony

cause you know I love you so good
distraught and disarmed as I can be
a broken hammer and nails count to three
I think I meant to say I love you

you ran me over with your ways
I'm ill over the treatment you find to be endearing
leave it to you to think I owe you a **** thing
I'm buying the first plane ticket out of the world you live in
I don't owe you anything

I'm just going to leave you behind

three blue trucks with discolored passenger doors
three huge steps to kissing under floorboards
three slighted moves to embracing under street lights
three backwards motions to remembering our small fights

four eleven two thousand
and twelve

placing you on those
three shelves

it's all that is
and all that isn't
that's keeping me here
but keeping me distant

1.
you told me you could mess up my lipstick and not my mascara
but then I woke up to a blush stained pillow case and a wrinkled comforter
and my pack of cigarettes were stuck between my bed and the wall
with handfuls of bad luck I can finger paint it all

2.
a white oleander beginning keeps the stars in my eyes like wounds from the sky
and I gaze out into the space in front of me at the books I've scarred and stung
without a mother and a father I am alone and I know
I can't smile tonight when I'm feeling so low

3.
so I'm thinking that a book for you will bring us back together
we'll share it between us like 50 chicken nuggets in the summer
and we'll challenge each other to find the deepest sides of the words
staying nervous I am speaking in tongues and my outburst occurs

4.
don't come to me with arrogance and smile at me with your anger
don't scare me again tonight because I can't ******* take it
and I think I'm done with our fights and pointed fingers
my love for you, it lingers

I am switching places with the stones in your bones. My arms are heavy because and I can no longer hold you up. The blood in my veins runs laps and I double take every time a strike doesn’t run through smoothly. It’s rough to think of things this way. I guess everything fell apart a day ago when nothing came out right.

Can you recall how dim the lighting was in the basement that night? I ran my fingers up and down my thighs in anxious habit. I was wearing the summer heat on my flesh. Though the ghosts kept me locked in my body, you kept me screaming to get out. Why have you made me feel that my frame is a prison? It’s not fair to place blame.

Last fall I broke my finger in your car door. You shut the door in anger, you opened it in spite. I sat down on your passenger seat and it sighed a caution warning. You were steaming; I listened to the leather exhale. Calling me stupid, you looked to me for confirmation. As I reached for the door, you slammed it. It was official then, the way you broke me had made its way to the surface.

I used to count down the seconds until you got here. I also used to count down the seconds until you left. One night you never got here, so I never had to count at all.

I don't know how to type without a backspace key
because I need to hit it
hit it
it it it
and remember why I'm so aggressive
and forget how to type without a
backspace key
and become less obsessive
what about now?

it it it
ends me

what about now?

2 cups of orange juice, a blue popsicle
and my dad says he's turning the leftovers into dog food
maybe I should never have told him what my birth father has done
and my mom snaps at him, maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of her past
he says he's reminding himself of how cruel a man can be
and she says there is no reason to remind yourself of that
especially in front of our daughter

do you see the nights like I do, here?
a warm glow of heartbreak under cautious streetlights.
a rush of fallen leaves flowing past me as I try to take a moment by myself.
a suspense in the air of broken promises and aching wrists.
with old bruises and scars from the adventures we once knew.
do you see me like I see you?

I took a shine to him
my heart sticking as if covered in adhesive
a silver silence monitored by detection devices
how fast am I racing
incense smothering the scent of my chain smoking
while I document my sadness on graph paper
I try to find reasoning behind every feeling I have
cognitive reality pulls against me
the way your petite body strings me along
the cowardice I reveal while you hold my heart against a knife
I'll plead with you for a title
with it taken away I am nothing

for years I haven't been worthy
I've never written on the left side
I've never counted the right amount of rungs on the ladder of my life
I'll always overestimate
I'll always be underestimated

my legs will fall asleep sitting indian style
I'll lie to myself so many times
I am a thief

my ashtray is overflowing with my secrets
***** ashes of who I used to be
smug butts of forgiveness and regret

you'll never see me as solid
or balanced

I'll never see myself as anything other than the deepest wanderer
and that is an unkempt mess to you

a rushed maneuvering of the wheel

How do you move on from something like what we had? Words are flowing out of me like I’ve been taken over by an erupting volcano. I’ve thought of you every day for months, I’ve imagined my future so much differently with your light shining on it. You’ve taken me higher than anyone, you’ve made me feel when I was unconscious, completely left astray by the world.

I can do nothing less than thank you, love you, hopelessly adore who you once were. Your hands touched me with such exposing force, I knew exactly who you were and what you felt. I’ve known you like a ship and its sailor for almost half a year and it has been so beautiful. Your love has caused me to recognize growth and appreciate being constant. As of now, I’m lost and terrified of every second I have to brave. But I know it will get better, as it always does. What I’m going through is just a footnote, and I am a changed person because of what we had. Thank you.