36 hrs ..... seems like almost a day maybe a half..... elevator rides uncomfortable talks with them....
A hopeful presentation to your forever.... Stale sandwiches in a line of comfortable sweats.....
Knowing that you were gonna be someones hero.... hungover like a villain...
Theres no bat phone where you live... The best example may be close to an Alfred....
I prayed to a saline bag..... Begging him or her to ease some pain.... Not because she was hurting...
Because you were hurting when she was in pain....
A memory of that night...... That morning and you knew the best of you was theirs....
Telling the other one you had a duty... Because you still inside missed the first….
A quiet conflict because you barely knew her.... And at the same time remember every moment...
The moment is not a Time its an Emotion.... a Florescent room.... a Readers Digest the copy of Motor weekly....
The quiet broken promise....... Now everything is just a contained mess....
A night when you drove to her house just after midnite.... Telling her that gr 10 and pregnant was not her fault...
But not ready to be blamed...
A car full of friends on a birthday everyone will remember.... Not you.... An invitation was just another responsibility...
Then it was a desperate attempt to build a Castle... A futon in the midlle of a tiny living room...
The shame of your mother when you called her grandma... Disappointment was now all they expected... Now being the exact definition of Expected Disappointment...
A jewellery store... The lady with thick rimmed glasses muttering "Your too young"...
Feeling that the 6 months with her could be stretched....
The first time I felt YOU move.....
Now knowing that no matter how bad I was at everything.... You will now always be the best....
Those were the nights you weren' t wasted... Now you realize wasted isnt an Emotion Its a Time...
Maybe it was that time she fell asleep in tears... Because less than two months before her mom made me sleep on the floor...
Her mom was right i hated her all along but the outcome would be as comforting as it was frightening....
I could say anything to make you sleep with me but nothing made you feel loved...
Your letters stopped having those hearts over i's.... You all the sudden became 6'4... And all i could do was try to hold you...
No more all night parties... Opening walls to find  hidden furnaces..... Eviction notices.... Disconnect letters.... Empty bank accounts....That could no longer be "normal".....
Those two days of stimulated sundowns and then sun ups.....
You should have never come there... I was the mistake a dark eyed monster....
The baby blue car.... A 45 minute ride.... A realization that birth isnt just on Tv....... This was happening!!.....
And you truly brought your best...
If i could live that moment again i would wear a suit....
How my ridiculous spikes were a hairstyle no longer approved.... Maybe a butler... Because you know now...
How that moment where you saw each other will be Forever....
That nite where 36hrs no longer mattered because it was time you were without her....
A heaven spelled backwards... Not just a name but a promise......
She aged a lifetime that night.... A choice was made….. A quiet contract between them...
Oh god why didnt i sign?.. All the teddy bears in the world would mean nothing now....
I cant remember a ***** diaper... A day of teething.... Her first sounds or The time she wanted me.....
Sorry is not a word that can be ok.... I cant tell her sorry….. I don’t deserve to feel ok….
36hrs is just about the time it takes to never be a man…. I was not doing them a favor they never told me "No"….
I can only hope I was 36 hrs of someone else's pain….
Because I can not remember anything before that……..

They say
the wicked never rest

but we must all close
our eyes from time
to time,
Both
the wicked
and the divine,

The divinely wicked,
the wickedly divine,
what dreams are born
from those sleep
deprived souls,

Reaching for something new,
something different,
with sharpened talons
and mother's wings,

So when you close
your wicked eyes,
dream big,
awake refreshed
and become divine
any way you can.

Don't sleep
until the day
is yours
and only
yours.

Wake up
and do it again.

I wanted you like I want the skyline of New York to puncture new notches in my belt so I could hold myself together tighter.

Your silence was a city street roar,
I should have known it sooner.
Your hints were more subtle than a sucker punch and I'm a sucker for a heart beating

You were easier than I was ****** and we loved it, we merged into one,
you doused me in gasoline and set me on fire,
inhaled me one kiss at a time.

The vast capacity you held on your tongue was coded,
you chose to translate it with your eyes in fireworks.
The words processed and filtered through smoke sent straight from your brain were riddled with chemical madness
it exhausted me.
You were the perfect excuse for self destruction.
You were the perfect plague.

This is the last time I let myself go, this is the last time,

I will never again be in need of your past tense lullabies,

I am my own salvation, I am my own skyline, I am my own destruction.

I'm trying so hard to forget you

To be angry

To not feel the space between the sheets

To not feel alone

To not notice, suddenly

How empty I feel

And how hard I fell