coping by not caring
by not eating anymore
taking away the things i need
like sleep and a peaceful mind
now everything around me is like a battlefield
a battlefield mind
and battlefield soul
and everything else is nothing
my aching stomach, just a side effect
my never-ending headache
well, it's always been there

soooo...
as much fun as it is
to break myself over and over again
I'll get extra critical
of the boy I want
making him no longer desirable
just about as much so as I am to him
soon I won't notice him
and I'll be able to ignore the texts
I'll make him so unworthy of everything that is me
and my chaotic being
sorry
I don't mean to
this is just my mind doing a poor job protecting me

what she must think of me
and my incessant texting
all of that stupid talking of a boy we both know loves only her
we talk about how there might be a chance
with me and him
but i think that he is so completely lovesick
he'll never have eyes for another girl
especially not one this dismal
with little lines rubbed raw on my ribcage
from trying to break these infernal chains
and heartbeats that are so weak
let's not forget about that loud mouth that never gets me anywhere but trouble
so maybe it's foolish to say this
and post it publicly
but oh well
we both know he'll never love me

how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when there was never actually anything between you and me
never anything real at least
there were looks back and forth
and blank stares on my side of things
but i found those eyes of yours like a pool,
one that wanted to drown me
to take me into their lugubrious depths
dismal dismay of the broken ones
was my newest fate
so tell me
how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when it's the same?
when i'm still drowning
and you still don't care
and i'm still in an oddly chaotic place

maybe i shouldn't break myself over a boy again
maybe i shouldn't weep over the loss of something i never actually had
maybe this guy is bad for me
and he'll break me in half,
but at this point i could care less
all i know is that this is what i'm feeling
and what i'm feeling hurts so much
like sticking your heart in burning water
and hoping that it will still keep you alive
it might be cynical,
but to me,
it's the only feeling that seems right

Meaningless
It's a word I seem to use a lot
When thinking about my life
And all of the words that I have yet to write
Everything that I've said
Meaningless
All of the looks I get
And all of their smilings starting to fade
Maybe I am no longer the kind person
That I once thought I was
The person that I might have been
I don't help people anymore
Instead, I am just toxic
Leaching people out because
Isn't it all meaningless?

Perhaps if the world stopped turning round
I wouldn't be wondering so hopelessly
Into the forsaken dirt of the ground
If you stopped hurting me so endlessly
But maybe it is just my twisted mind
The blanket covering me in the dark
When through the misery there is a rhyme
Of deep-rooted poetry that is art
And more through the misery, there is you
Fiding me in my poisonous palace
Maybe you shouldn't have wished me anew
And in this irony, I shall no bask
When you come to tell me what you've meant
Because all you ever were was hell sent