shut away in the darkness
too small
my knees shake
everything is dark
and I scream, but nobody comes
I can hear her outside
laughing at my pain
as I rest my forehead on the cool locker door
I try to let the pain fade away
but I'm still there
so small and weak
drops of blood trickling down my cheek
a while passes
my name is buzzed on the intercom
over and over
but I stopped screaming
because my throat is raw and screaming at me
I start to shudder and wracking sobs course through me
someone comes up and banges on the door
"------- Are you in there?"
I reply with a sob
and she says
"I'll go get someone"
a teacher comes
and she says
"----- are you okay?"
I'm still sobbing
and they cut the lock
because she won't tell them the code
and I'm free
but I feel more trapped than I've ever been

I'm drowning
She told me not to trip.
But the wires of my mind are wrapping around my thighs
And whispers in my head are telling me lies.
And the tangles of my thoughts are tight against my socks
The wires are as thin as minty floss and they're cutting my skin
Over and over i try to hide my sins
Over and over im bleeding again
But i cant tell if its the wire thats cutting or my own hand
Oh how much i miss feeling boring and bland
Over and over this repeated message
All this noise making the fingers on my hand twitch
Making me grab this
Making me never miss
Only my heart feeds my target
Trying to save me
Trying to not let me slip
I'm just a paper person
Isn't that right?
Easily torn and easily ignited
Im buring and burning and i can't extinguish the fire
The ashes are falling
And everyone's watching
Just another person faking for attention
Not a special sight
Some even shout "End It."
Sometimes i silently say to myself
"I might"

What?
When?
Where ?
How?

Never understood in my youth how relevant that English lesson was.

"I'm fine"
I say
    "Im okay"
    I say
         " Its not important"
          I say
               " I'm not special"
                  I say
"Are you sure?"
They say
     "Do you wanna talk?"
     They say
           "It matters"
            They say
                " You matter"
                    They say...
Please don't don't try and read between lines
Please ignore the cries that slip from my lips
I always say that im fine but really I'm fighting a war inside my mind.
Not Just with myself
But with my friends
My past
       Oh those midnight cries.
"Your over reacting" they start to say
       "People go through worse, your just having a bad day."
How much do i have to try and say its constant?
That I'm not happy just existing.
     And even then i sometimes wish life wasnt a real thing.
               You all built me up
                You all made me happy
               But when it got hard
               They left and my world
Went.    C.    
                    R.    
                            A.  
                                   S.            
                                           H.
                                                  I.
                                                         N.
                                                                 G
Down.
They complain how you never ask for help
But not when your help decides not to help
           Is it too much to ask you to save me?
          Not from people but my brain, its the enemy.
       Please
            Help me
                  Before its
                         Too late
I dont know how much i can cope
With all the false hope
Hanging on to the rope
Sometimes its easier to just let go
My brain is starting to crack me
And when i let go i know no one will catch me
No, they'd rather sit back or stand
Than get depressed teenage blood on their hands.
   My fingers are slipping
     Dont know how much longer I'll last
Just waking up is even a task
I want to sleep
A deep sleep.
Never wake up. Lots of dreams
Im stuck in the grey, and its not what they say.
Help me escape.
Its almost too late.

“Say what you mean and mean what what you you say child”

A Dear reverence from my 6th grade teacher. One I will never forget or admire more.
Mr. Murrey. Semper Fi
You will live on fore ever.
You placed me in a corner.  I learned, you inspired me..

Sorry is not enough.

I try to express that. I wonder
do you hear the heartache in my words or do they fall on deafened ears
These truths of mine alone do you believe them
You have been told so many lies
I thought I was saving you from pain.  
Poisoned lies that belonged not to be felt by you and your innocence though that was ruined prematurely
I was not willing to fuel  that fire  
sadly I did light the match and added kindling without intent
I thought I was protecting you saving you from some of the gore
I’m left to wonder if I caused more harm than good.
My soul aches with every beat for every lost moment
Stabbed with every ignored plea and unanswered message
I can do no more  to change that allthough  I will keep trying
I can only hope that from the ruins one day a sprout will immerse I will care for it tenderly but not overshadow it  and with every truth I pray it may grow.

How lucky I am to have found this safe haven
This sounding board
United among beings who share openly
Who let their hearts be it in sorrow, joy, fear, or enlightenment be open
People who share their amazing talents and minds without reserve.
Tell stories of grandeur or simple thoughts
Who acknowledge without judgment
I am blessed.
Thank you.