my pen is screaming at me to pick it up
i dont know to say what
there is nothing in my head but all the words that you've said and everything that ive recently done.
it makes me wonder who ive become
ive seen the hurt caused im no fool
the same thing he did to me, i did to you.
now im going back to sit in that chair
try not to cry, pull my hair and scream
just not care about any sense of control
thats what i lost, not me as a whole
but the control
its to late to go back now
to many things have been said
are we still going back to playing pretend?
i dont think thats what this is anymore
its something ill know for sure
if we can get through this then we can get through everything because ive done everything i can to push you away and in some how in your own twisted way
you still love me and stay
now we will see if these friends are right
we all have a piece of love to give at one point in time
its true when we said sould mates, never ever apart
each one of us holds another in our heart
we've all made and repaired to many scars
thats shaped us into the people we are
so with those little broken pieces of love
that we've only ever known
the causation being our homes
somehow between all these broken hearts and broken bones
we found each other and made our home
somehow by force of nature we are bound
all of our broken pieces of love fit together
changing how we it forever.

An million times I’ve replayed it this moment in my head

Picked apart trying to see when it began
The scream was piercing, it woke me from my sleep
But it seemed easy At the time,
One of laughter and fun
But I guess that was the last string of innocent remaining
Jolted by the shock of what was about to see next
The one who was there when my father left
The one who was there through the bullies, just you and me against the word.
Forever and always your little girl
You where the protector from all my childish fears
But now here you are convulsing on the stairs and I don’t know what to do.
Slow motion now, time comes to a stop
I’m frozen for what seems like eternity in that one spot
Grow up now
Call the ambulance
Grow up now
Save your sister from this terror
Grow up now
It’s not your time to breakdown
Call everyone
Tell them your world’s fallen apart
The guest in my house is now just another chore
Cook dinner
Take them through a city I don’t even know
Then fly them home
white walls and clean sheets is the only thing I come to know,
She forgets who I am
The memories forgotten, the only thing keeping our existence
40years of life was supposed to be a celebration
Turned out just a sad balloon with an auntie crying on my shoulder
Grow up now
Everything I knew is gone
Your eyes are lost
All the things we’ve seen, all the world’s we’ve explored
Her light was no longer lit
Her eyes are nothing, just an empty shell
Time never seemed to catch up
The hell in my heart never never seem to stop
Because when you came home, your eyes never did
The pain would not end
Our relationship we could not mend
The anger takes hold and I can’t seem to let the past go
It’s not your fault, it’s out of your control
But it’s out of mine to
My haunted future
Because I’m sitting here dwelling on this past
How long can this hell last

I have to much faith, and even whe im told im being a fool I don’t listen because I have faith in you

And so many times you’ve let me down, to the point where im begging you just to come around

Just to be my friend, you always said your there

I guess this time its different, this time im too much.

I blame myself for asking in my best friend to allow me to trust.

That ***** on the phone was more important, that test more deserving.

Preaching listen to the living before they become the dead

Here I am begging you to listen but instead seeing how I was just being taken for granted

I curse at myself for letting me get like that, so attached that I need to talk to you when im alone

it feels like you don’t care, even though the evidence it stalking up against you

“this is when true colours are shown”
“you don’t have money this week why do you think hes not around”

I still wait, because I have faith

Your skin is marked with black ink, your grandfathers said just have some faith and you will understand

I don’t think you’ll ever understand what its like to put someone before yourself

You keep everyone as a opition and I guess that’s my fault for making you a priority

Why would I expect something like that?

It might say you’re a man, by the year you where born

some man you are treating women as pray

Bringing them close and saying sweet words all the while just  to satisfy your hunger

Then come and preach that we are just not animals but something more, jumping on everything we see is disgusting

But I have faith that one day you will see

The hurt you cause and one day you might grow up to the man I know your destined to become

Everyone speaks and says that you’re the bad one, and that im blind if I cant see that the money is the main reason we share so many memories

But I still maintain my faith in you

My heart is big and maybe that’s my fault that I wont walk away when something good went wrong

But I put my faith in you that you will pull through at the end

Then again I was always good at playing pretend

Memories are what keep you alive in my eyes
The ones I have are not so great
That didn’t matter because you always made me the best breakfast!
When I was on the swings ive never flown so high
When we were on the field, I’ve never ran so fast
When we where on the lake, I’ve never swam so long, or dived so deep.

But long where the waits at the fary, when you would never show up.

The tears never fall so hard

Long where the the times I waited for the phone calls that never came,
When they did, where only to be slurred, and the value poisoned by selfish need
I used to care, fight for you to be here
It never seemed to matter
The poker was worth more than me
The alcohol was more interesting
The women more fulfilling
So you wrote me off with money
Sent me away always with the parting phrase
“I love you, don’t forget that “
Then the absence of you was more than the time we spent together
Everyone around didn’t see
Me dragging your drunk *** in bed
Getting food, cause beer was the only thing in there
Time and time again I would fall for the same lines, the guilt of not seeing you.
Whose fault whos that?
You tell me “I love you”
And daddy I love you too but I don’t think you know the meaning of the word.
Love is waiting 5 hours on the promise of food
Love is waiting 4 am to for you to come home from the bar
Love is cleaning the house and doing your laundry to see if you’d notice me
Love is waiting for you to finish your poker game before speaking.
But it’s also not having to wait on anybody.
Love is having conversations at dinner and not sitting silently
But I’m sorry daddy I can’t wait for you anymore
For while I’m waiting my heart is breaking.
Always promising everything will be different the next time I came.
Lake front house, boats, trips on the lake
But the reality is I get an old smokey teddy near your ex gave back
It’s not the the things that make me love you daddy,
It’s just you
But that’s one thing I can never have
Your demons are big
And so are mine, but you would never know cause you’ve never tired.
Everything you do is to clear the guilt, but never really making the effort.
Now my eyes are burning, my soul hollow
And I’m sorry that I just can’t wait for you to be at, my graduation, to protect me from my crazy mother, or save me from my abusive step father.
I can’t wait for you to avenge my heart break.
So I’ve learnt to do that for myself
When I was little, I thought if I waited maybe you would show up
That girl didn’t know any better
And I want you to know I will always love you
Even though you don’t know how to love back
But I can’t wait anymore
I’m stronger than that
I’m strong enough to live without your heart break
I’m not angry
I wish you could understand
I wish I could make you care
Goodbye daddy
Thank you for teaching me love will never really be there
Goodbye daddy
Don’t say I never tired
Goodbye daddy
I mean it this time.