It feels infinite, all the things from me that were stolen-
Words torn from my tongue and twisted into weapons,
Endearments and poetry that are now wounds left open,
Dignity and emotion, the vulnerability in a simple smile,
The safety of a quiet laugh, not knowing if it will awaken jealous wrath,
Years of effort, begging, threats, promises, broken screams and glass,
The ability to trust even the gentles touch,
All the versions of myself I wished to be,
The energy to fill the empty shell that is me.

I’ll never forgive
Not just the moments
But the way you made me relive every one of them.
How after all this time I’m forced to claw open the shining scars,
Bleed it back out,
Dive into wounds my mind had closed off,
Drown again,
Become that victim I always swore I’d never be
But had always been.
I’ll never forgive the way, after all this time,
You can still make me bleed,
Make me seethe,
And feel so small.
Make my mind curl against the agony
When all I asked for was you,
But you weren’t real.
I found only a monster behind the bull.
I may never earn love
But I know I never earned this.

I'm warped and twisted,
Laid bare across sharp edges,
Knees torn open,
Kissing your ****** knuckles.
I wear your hand around my throat
Like a satin bow.
Tighten the ribbon,
And never let go.

So many times throughout the day,
The pain supercedes even the brightest of moments,
And screams catch in my lungs as my smile freezes,
And tears jump to my eyes as I fight to breathe,
But I do,
and it quakes,
and I grow numb for a moment,
Sure that I'm dying,
And nobody knows it.
The moment passes into a dull, familiar ache,
And the tears fall again,
Just to be wiped away.
The fear grows cold and solidifies again,
As I promise myself I won't give up,
When I want to give in.

Depleted and tired of pleading,
Unfocused and incapable,
Simultaneous logical advocating.
Sustaining for minutes and moments,
But time is always so fleeting.
Laughter dying on my lips,
before pain and a grimace.
Promises and answers whispered,
Hope swelling but bursting so quickly.
Scars and burns on my skin,
Attempting to calm the agony within.
And tumbling, always falling, never finding the ground,
But when I do,
Will it crush me?
Or will I hit water and drown?