In you lies
the promise of better tomorrows
the most beautiful of tomorrows.

I was 17,
And you said
You didn't want to miss out
On the right one
While cutting your fingers
On my broken edges

And I was convinced
I was the reason
Everyone in my life
Was always bleeding

And I was sitting in the center
of my naked mattress
at four in the morning
on a Wednesday,
humming along to the tides
made up of ***** & cheap beer,
ebbing and flowing
inside my stomach

And I was gripping
my favorite blanket
like a safety bar,
Cause the floor felt like
it was going to crumble
beneath my bed

And I was embedding
my nails into my veins
to feel some warmth

I was 17,
And no one would ever write
about the softness of my eyes
Or the way my bottom lip quivers
just before I start to cry

I was 17,
And already unloveable

We always said we didn’t know what we would do without each other
But we did know

We’d only known each other for two years

I wasn’t there when your parents split up and each remarried
or when you had to get stitches on your face
or watched your first scary movie

And you weren’t there when I smoked my first cigarette
or tried to **** myself when I was 13
or when I won that soccer game my freshman year

The last time we had *** we were in a rush
because we had school in 37 minutes
and so we made it sloppy and fast in your shower
and then we drove to school together with wet hair and we laughed

The last time we had *** I got pregnant

This wasn’t one of those scares where you’re two weeks late
so you buy a few cheap tests and it’s negative
so you stash the rest in the back of your drawer and forget about it

I got pregnant on the first day of June and I never told you

I miscarried on the last day of August
and you never even knew how close you came to being a father

We stopped talking and I couldn’t even tell you
how I was stunned into silence when I realized I was going to be a mother and then knew I had to keep it a secret

Knew I had to keep our dark haired future to myself

So here it is the end of February

I should have been having the baby this week or next
and you NEVER EVEN KNEW

I watch you say how much you love this little 15 year old girl
you’ve been dating for six months

I miscarried the day you started dating so tell me that was just a

coincidence

But don't you dare ever tell me you don't know what you'd do without me
Well, I guess you wouldn't anymore

Seeing as how you don't want me

*** stick #1 says positive
#2 from the dollar stores says negative
but #3 from the grocery said positive
and #4 from the general was inconclusive
the #5 from ER was intrusive
#6 from the gas station didn't work
#7 from the immediate care center hurt
so the clinic tells me they don't know for sure
and ultrasounds aren't yet insured
I guess I can wait
If it isn't too late
I feel my belly
guess I'll see when I show
But here comes the blood
it just never will grow

I woke up in a pool of my own blood
Stood out of bed with shaking legs
Felt it drip down my thighs
Made it to the bathroom
Threw up twice &
Cried
And I cried
And I cried
And I was cold
For an hour or so
Then I sweat until
I couldn't catch my breath
And I sweat
And I sweat
And I swore I wouldn't blame you
For the nightmares that would follow
Swore I wouldn't blame you for the pain
But you didn't sit at the edge of my bed
You didn't sing me to sleep
When I needed it most
I walked outside
Once I felt strong enough to move
I contemplated getting in my car
I wanted to make it to the hospital
But I knew part of me didn't want to make it
Out alive
So I sat down
On a lawn chair
And lit a cigarette
I pulled my knees up to my chest
To avoid the shattered wine glasses
Below my feet
The wind blew lightly
Rocked the water in the pool beside me
I wanted to dive in
But I knew part of me wouldn't want to
Swim back up
So I sat
On a lawn chair
With my knees up to my chest
For eight hours
And when the night swallowed the sky
I cried
And I cried
And you didn't sing me to sleep
You never do anymore
And I swore I wouldn't blame you
But it's getting harder to stay true
Knowing that a part of you
Died inside me
A part of you died inside me
I'm sorry
But the same part of you will be the death of me
I swear
And that's a promise I will keep
I'm sorry

My own body is abandoning me,
the flesh and blood falling out like clumps of hair.
I never wanted a second heartbeat –
already have one too many

but it came with
a full moon; my cycle in its final stage,
to purge and be young again

purge and be hollow.
He or she has whispered, vital things can leave
too, stain your thighs
red like footprints down a path. He or she found the
door easily. I whisper back, you were

a light
too bright for my house
so you set the whole thing on fire.

Ashes, singed skin
float from my crevices like a cloud –

I did not know that
some things can take up too much air before they
even need it
or that I can mourn what
I would have wanted dead anyway. It is

like everything I could
never love
just wants to remain a pink bloom on my *******
until I wish they would have stayed.

I woke up, what a **** day,
When i realised you'd gone away,
I fought for you, but try i might,
You left me, in a dream of fright.

He said"Positive", and i cried,
The joy i could not hide,
I rested, as i was told,
And i felt you grow.

I slept while in a nap,
And i loved the sleepy swap,
But in a daze i felt,
A sharp twinge, like a welt.

I woke and knew straight off,
That you had become cross,
And wanted to leave me,
You yearned to be so free.

The doctors said," i'm sorry",
But you sure took the glory,
I'm left here without you,
I hope they appreciate you!

goodbye baby

(c) eileenmcgreevy@ymail.com

I can smell  the fresh paint,

thinking it should be blue

for the future small you.

I rub my belly watching for growth

of the child you put inside of me by force.

Of course not to be out done,even by

yourself, violently you took my child away

kicked him from my womb.

Laughing as the blood ran down my thighs

in tiny trickles  like sinister kisses,

from a lovers soft lips.

And when I awoke,

I found I had not escaped

and yet my small babies fate

lay in a pool of blood

in the already ruined rug.