His lips are so soft and he doesn't have a taste
He is pure temptation & I am intrigued
I said "Other people are not medicine"
But he's like a cough syrup you never want to stop taking
And his hands are like bandages to my raw battle wounds
He cannot heal me
He cannot save me
But he can numb my pain

I am so hurt

Still so hurt

Those words still cut me everyday

I am surrounded by people but I am not fulfilled

I have conversations but they are all so meaningless and they leave me even emptier

My laughter doesn’t fill me anymore because I can’t even smile with you

There is nothing in this world I want without you

Nowhere I want to be without you

That’s the trouble with doing things

Everywhere I go and turn, we have a memory there

Walking, holding hands, stopping for a kiss, laughing

It hurts me everyday and everywhere and I am so empty

My life is empty and lonely

Coming home to tell everything to no one is painful

Coming home to hear no “I love you” and no “How was your day?” has left me so empty

I don’t know how to be alone

How are you so okay with that? Don’t our memories hurt?

Doesn’t your heart sink when you hear my name or see me?

Don’t you think about how cold it feels when I’m not next to you and how warm it felt when you were holding me?

How do you forget that? That you held me in your arms so many times

This is so painful mostly because there is no one to tell this to

I can’t even call you or message you or anything and that is awful

You have gone from being my everything to being a stranger to me in a few days

My heart doesn’t know how to deal with that

My heart is too fragile and I am too dependent on you

I told you so many times “Don’t ever leave me”

I’ve said it to you while looking you in the eyes and being close to you as is humanly possible and I meant it

I meant that I didn’t know how to live without you

I meant that you are my everything

Oh God you are my everything

My heart is finished

I dont want anyone else

I dont’ know how to care about anyone else

You were supposed to be it

And now you’re gone and I wanted it to be you

I wanted to be a part of your family and I associate that warm feeling of Christmas with you and I don’t know how I’m going to be okay again

I dont know how to be okay without you

You were my okay

You were who I went to when I was lost and now I’m lost and I dont have a home anymore

You arent my home anymore and now I dont know which direction to turn

I wanted everything with you every single **** thing I wanted with you

I thought we’d get through this I really did

We had to we had to

We are so young and all I want is everything with you.
Every single life experience, big or small
Mediocre or extraordinary
You’re the only person I want to experience any of it with
To tell any of it to.
And I hope that 10 years from now, you read this and remember my wish
And you’d smile at me and think “We made it. Despite everything, we made it.”
I want every fight with you, at our worst
And every happy moment, at our best.
I want movie dates and dinner dates and lunch dates and study dates.
I want long hugs and short hugs and “I love you so much and I’ve missed you for so long” hugs and “I don’t want to talk you right now because I’m mad at you, but I still love you” hugs.
I want long drives and drives to get ice cream and drives to get sushi and drives when we’re stressed out together and drives to and from school together.
I want to cook with you and watch sad movies with you so i can cry on your shoulder and fall asleep in front of you while we’re studying.

How cruel God must be to lend me the love of my life for a meagre eight months and twenty days
And expect that when the time was up, I, his creation would bow and say "Thank You"
I, Your creation will instead stand and proclaim that You are cruel
You are cruel and unkind as to create two beings who are perfectly matched but are on two different paths that will never meet -
Not at the end, not at the middle and certainly not at the beginning
Why must You cause someone this grief
This overwhelming pain that will not cease for months
Or years
Or even in this lifetime
I in fact wish You had never shown me what true love was like
Especially since You knew You would take it away.

I guess what I didn’t say to you in person was that I never want anyone else to feel these things for you

I want this to be mine, I want it to be ours and exclusively ours

I don’t want anyone to feel a even a sliver of what I feel for you

I strip the sheets off my bed
I put my clothes to wash
But there is still nothing that can erase this
Not the rubbing of my skin raw to remove your stain
Or the brushing of my teeth to get rid of your taste

None of it can erase the feel of your lips and tongue drafting novels that should never be published on my back
Or your fingers painting life onto the blank and ordinary canvas that is my leg
It doesn’t help me forget, it doesn’t help me hurt any less
Because I can still smell you on my bed - the smell of you and old love I’ve grown too attached to now
And I can still hear your breathing and I shouldn’t - but if I think even a tiny bit harder
I can see every strand of your left eyelashes because those were the last things I memorised before you woke up
I memorised the tightness of your hug and the effortlessness of your goodbye kiss too
But I’m not prepared for the torture of remembering these details - I’m lying down and you’re not here to wipe these tears