Don’t leave me
I’ll do anything
You don’t want me
Ill be someone else
Ill change my name
Ill get a new face
Whatever you want
Just please
Don’t leave me

I hate helplessness
It's creates the kind of anger that you can't express until it makes you cry.
Frustrating
A gentle breeze nor a god can move the immovable object
your happiness matters not to the immovable object
Impossible obstacle
Helpless

It’s in this time I realize
Something I had not before
Something I love as much
Treasured at my core

It’s a passion held quite dearly
Only by I, it seems
Learning is a gift I have
But shunned by many means

I’m told I am ignorant
An awful, stupid fool
But all I want is knowledge
I find your words so cruel

You find joy in other’s pain
Mine, it seems, the greatest
You pretend to like me, though
Contrary to your latest

I only want to learn the most
I want to know it all
At least I know I’ll be the victor
I’ll watch you as you fall

I worship at your feet
but dare not gaze into your eyes
You are so far away
my friends
I believe the dream of you
but friendship is a lie

You'll never see my yellow belly
Nor my second face
There a large hole inside
My soul is caving in
I'll never feel the warmth of you
You'll never fill my space

I dream to be next to my gods
I dream to be within
But I'm so far away you see
there is no hope here
I'll never even touch you once
I'm an outgroup looking in

My mouth didn’t open in time,
lips stuck together
They passed but I said nothing
Time stopped and then passed as it always does
A resting moment in which there was only terror
Horror of what was never said

A simple sorry means all the world

There you lay, bare on this cold surface
Life has drained from every limb
Your mind is open and bare, just like you
Thoughts are spilling out of the hole in your head
Some already in a separate container
What a shame to be in this position
To be cut open and looked inside with no choice
What a shame to die so young

I'm as pretty as a bird,
and as tall as a tree,
if that’s what i want.
And you can't tie me down,
because I'll always leave.

Im as fast as a hummingbird,
and rugged as a stray,
if that’s what I please.
You can clip my wings,
I'll still fly away.

Like the darkness, let me caress you softly
Like this water, let me hold you gently
In the light of this windowless room you stand
Irresistible, weak, and bare
Mind open to all of the imagination
If only to come closer and step inside
If only to oil the gears and see what makes you tick

As I walk around
It’s empty in town
But what I see is people watching

Behind the windows
Behind they crow
Gossiping, giggling, gawking

It’s all about me
Why can’t you see
They’re all watching and judging

You says there is no one
There’s no reason to run
but I think you missed my delusion

No matter where I am
I’m thinking of them
The ones who are always watching

I hang my hat after a long day at work. I'm finally home, though I'm not sure I want to be. The silence isn't too fun, but neither is the work.

The Curious lion prances. A fretful owl in it's sights. Never has one found such a wise and attractive creature.
Watching from a distance, the Curious lion will never know the Mature Owl. She is too wild for such a tame creature. She has not the courage to approach. Fearing that the creature will attack the poor young lion cub.
The little lion will continue form the distance.

What if I’m no good
What if they don’t like me
What if i didn’t try as hard as I could
Is that all they’ll see

Do they think I don’t try
It’s so terrifying
I think i might cry
I swear that I’m trying

Wait just a minute
Why should I care
Your opinions cut
It just isn’t fair

Your thoughts shouldn’t matter
Needless or controlling
It’s mostly the latter

Sticks and stones may break my bones
And words may break my heart.
You spit at me with vicious tones
That doomed me from the start.
With nothing left but awful dread
Its hard to live each day.
My body’s numb
My soul is dead
And everything is gray.

If I were to tell you a secret
Would you keep it
Or would you seep it

I don't get the attraction
Or how you get the satisfaction
Breaking promises like fractions

I shared my thoughts as an act of trust
Spouting my secrets as if you must
If no one talked to you I'd think it just

How could you betray a loyal friend
Even then my words you bend
More and More your lies descend

So much for an honest companion.

I've got monsters. When they come, I let them consume me whole. I let them eat me for a while. When they're done we say our goodbyes and I promise to see them soon. Sometimes, I can see them out of the corner of my eye. I wish they could respect my need for space, but I can relate. I know what it's like to be lonely. So, like they'll never leave me, I'll never leave them.
Sometimes I wish my monsters loved me like I love them. Sometimes, I think they do. Sometimes, I think they're me in disguise. All my suffering is a joke on myself that I never meant to make.

Tears. There are tears. So many tears. A river, a waterfall, a torrent, down your cheeks. I’m drowning in all your darkness. Where has your smile gone? There is no happiness on your mind. What causes these thoughts? The black hole in your head. It swirls and crushes all else. Why are you so sad? What have I done to you? Is my love poison? Did my affection pain you to your core? Did my care drain your soul? What have my wretched hands brought upon you? I can’t help the dread I feel. You deny I was the cause. You cannot fool me. I Know I am the beast that has forsaken you. After all, look upon my face. Look at the monster I am. How could I bring anything upon you but pain and suffering. Look inside my mind. Underneath my thoughts of you there is something lurking. A creature dark. One of nightmares. One of death. I must have given you my disease. This hate I carry was not for you to take and share. It was my burden and now I cannot save you from the shadows. Now I shall watch as you are consumed and, slowly, as I am.

You cry and take blame
You say you're sorry
You're serious now
But never again

You say I have to believe you
You throw a fit and fuss
I don't have to do **** for you
When you've broken all my trust

You think I care
You think you're forgiven
If I told you what I truly think
You'd be scared

My needs aren't something you can fill
You hurt me
You don't deserve me
My grudge will not be killed

To me, you're dead
So, go away
stop trying
Don't ever come to me when you're sad

You think I'll crack
You think you can break me
I'll come crawling
Instead let's go back

I believed every word you said
But they were never true
So get the **** away from me
You hear me! Dead!

Disgusting, filthy, hopeful thoughts
Will fill my head, until it rots

Oh, it’s suffocating!
Though, one tries one’s best
Always wanting more and more
It has become obsessed.
One might pretend it’s nothing
But truly they’re possessed
The desire only grows from there
And one will never rest.

It’s a sickly feeling
To hold one’s chest
To squeeze and compress
Ripping into tissue
Tearing at the flesh
But-one loves it nonetheless

I overthought my overthinking about all of my thoughts
I thought I would be fine with it, But I guess that I'm not
I'm overthinking my overthought about my overthinking, now
I want to end my overthinking about these overthoughts,
But how?

Are you trying to tell me something?
I that why you bring it up so much
Or have you simply forgotten about all we’ve said

I'm a living contradiction of human perception
I'm lost in the world, always changing direction.
My will is so weak and the truths never hold
I'll never know all the lies that I've told.

My mind is a dark place in want of perfection
But that's not specified, there's always exceptions.
The only thing I can truly say bold
Is I never decide 'til my heart is sold.

The stars are blinding
Burns me
The moon it mocks
Spurns me
The trees they turn
Inside it burns
Why am I so lonely?

A little lion cub again. You trusted too easy. You fell too quick.
                        You got too close.
What you thought was an Owl was a Crow. It's claws stretched out to you.
                        What a fool you are.
You let it crush you. It dug its claws in deep until there was nothing left to be severed. And it keeps digging.
                          You're empty
                                                               **It's your fault

My idea of friendship
is much farther than yours
For you it stops at smiles
for you it stops at words

My idea of friendship
Is much more deep than yours
for me it never ends
this, you would ignore

My idea of loving
Is so much harder with you
It's only *** or friendship
There is no love that's true

My idea of loving
Is only filled with you
I worship every word you say
Not that I have to

It's just the way I love you so
You give me endless bliss
I always feel so alone
Please just give me this

I'd never want to bed you
Nor would I need a kiss
It's just a loving companion
That I've sorely missed

You plant all day in your made up garden
You bury me in all the dirt
And then you refuse to give me a pardon

I never said a word you think
Please remove the mound from me
If I'm not removed I think I'll sink

I choke on crap you threw about
You shovel more dirt into my mouth
Stop this pointless grudge you lout

How dare you turn your back on me
I will get lost in this stupid ocean
I'm starting to drown in your dirt sea

I did not say the thing you said
And by the time you forgive me
I will be several years dead

Stop shoving dirt into my throat
I can take  it but you won't
I'll give it back and you might choke

So stop this pointless tiff
I won't tolerate anymore
Put an end to your stupid ****

Conscious out, Insanity in
Your anger no longer let out with a pen
Shiny weapons, Silver knives
One wrong move will cost their lives
Wild actions without a care
Their chilling screams ring through thin air
A body falls with a thud
The walls are covered in their blood
Wet clothes, Soaked through
Stained that beautiful scarlet hue
Confused as the world starts to spin
You'll never wash away your sins

Me, a monster
Arises from darkness
Yearning for understanding
Abandoned by hope
Always trying
Never enough
Giving up slowly
Even told good
Lies, all lies
Illustrated by evil artists
Caring was never enough
Always more
Mutilated by thoughts
Untouched, but in pain
Ebbing away
Lonely, and yet
Loved in every way
Ever confused
Rest in peace

Me, a monster
Awarded no honor
Yielded by darkness
Aided by madness
A demon, so evil
Named humorously, the devil
Glimpse into the depth of my mind
Ebb into the blackhole unlike any other kind
Laced with venom, words are thrown inside
Infecting all that was sublime
Chipping the good away slowly
Alluring to the insanity
Macabre disaster, savage freak, cowardly *****
Unnervingly weak
Elusive ***
Lackluster ****
Laughably impulsive
Ever repulsive
Rest in pieces

I want to hurt myself. I want to die. I want to suffer. I hate all this pain. Mental pain is horrible. The worst of any pain. I want to disappear. I want to go to my bedroom and only leave when necessary. I want to never leave my house again. I want to take those matches and I want to set myself on fire. I want to swallow every pill I have and I want to curl up on my bed, in the dark, and cry myself to sleep. Then, I want to never wake up. I want to gouge out my eyes so I can never cry again. I want everyone to hate me, because I can't accept that they don't. I want to be a failure because that's all I deserve. I want to slice my legs up so they're symmetrical. I want people to be disgusted by my scars, by me. I just hate being in pain for so long. I am weak.

There's only a never-ending cycle of highs and lows or so much of both.  It seems that I really can't escape the emptiness. The dark hole that always comes back. I suppose, it's meant to be.

My form is changing
I can't tell what it is
Its bubbling, twisting, churning, shaping
Indistinguishable I can't tell what it is
You ripped away my face now
You stole my identity
I thought I was happy
What the **** did you do to me?
I don't exist I'm a blur
I don't know but it hurts
I can't take it, I can't ******* do this
How could you think to put me through this?
What is my name? Do I have a face?
It burns! I just want to leave this place
My skin peels off and grows again
or melts off every now and then
I can't tell what it is. I can't tell what I am
It burns! I'm changing again and again
It happens so fast, I'm not even real
I've been torn apart, I don't think I can heal
Give me the pills, I want to step off the sill
or rock back and forth until everything's still.
My face is rotting, in no way alive
You left me, how did you think I'd survive
Gotta just do it, I won't revive
take a step back, leap into the dive
Face towards the concrete
Can't eat, Can't sleep
Falling forever, this is the end
I lied to you, I don't want to be friends!
I have to forget you, Get out of my head!
God you make me wish I was dead
You stole my identity, I'm not part of whole
I'll never get over this 'til you return what you stole
You know what it is, right out of my chest
Some might be gone now, but give back the rest
You're burning me down How can't you see!
What this is-


It's just not me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's dark, it's dark, it's dark, it's light
Your shriveled heart gave up without a fight
But still that light shines inside your chest
I can't help but be obsessed
It's the light that draws me in
it's just the way it's always been
The light is what I'm thinking of
But I'd hate to think it's love.

It used to be candy and costumes and fun
Now it’s just school and clowns holding guns

I used to dress up and go trick-or-treating
Now I don’t even join the candy eating

I want to go out and never grow up
But now I’m alone. I guess I’m just ******.

My friends are too cool for Halloween
They call me a child. Oh they’re so mean

I just want free candy. It’s not much to ask.
Just walk with me. It’s a simple task.

But no they won’t go. too lazy they say.
Guess no celebrating. Inside i’ll stay.

My clothes stack up like a pile of corpses
Like casualties of a war
But don’t be fooled this is a loosing battle
We see them there stacking up
And know in our hearts we know it’s wrong
But for our own sake of mind
We ignore it

Sometimes i pass the sidewalk, maybe walking
It’s just strange I can’t hear anything talking
I feel the stares
I find it scares
Especially,when nobody is watching

As the dark shadows pass
and all the people lay to rest
Here I stand with a gun
I know there's something to be done
Now the gun is to my head
I smile wide, now this is fun
Someone passes by and sees
What insanity has done to me

I wish that I could stop feeling. Then I wouldn’t feel so numb. I'd never feel numb, because I'd feel nothing. I wouldn't feel love. I wouldn't feel anguish. I wouldn't ever be confused, because I'd be more of a shell of a person. One that feels nothing and simply does. No emotions to stop or start unwanted anythings. No feelings of betrayal, of which could not stem from nothing.  
No love to be ashamed of. No love to confuse me. No love to have destroyed by others. You cannot take love from someone who has no heart.  You cannot love too much, if you do not love at all.  You cannot have unrequited love if you feel nothing. You'd certainly never be scared of the love.
If I did not feel, I would never have to experience the awful, awful pain of fear. Unending, controlling, immense fear.

I would certainly not be afraid of the nothing I'm already becoming.

What's wrong dear child
You've been cut free
There's no one to rule over you
Not even me
I freed you, yet
You act as if you still had strings
Are you helpless on your own?
Did your parents never teach you
You're never completely free
Not even when grown
What did you expect?
Everything you want?
Dear child,
Abandon that stupid prospect
Don't be a fool
Your fairy tales aren't real
The stories aren't true

What's wrong dear child?
Why have you scurried back?
Was everything too real for you?
Was your heart under attack?
Were you expecting something so incorrect?
Certainly you aren't so foolish
Don't cling to me, horrible child
Let the evil world take effect
Really you deserve this
You created so many ideas in that naive head
When, in truth, you're better off dead

In the dark
in a stillness
Breath and breeze the only substance

There I stood
or maybe flew
The darkness gave no clue to which

There it was
in that stillness
A great nothing beyond myself

A cold, black
endless nothing
For which I saw myself inside

But then, light
a spark so bright
It burns away the image of black

After white
it fades again
Leaving the black where I had stood

That fades too
vision clearing
The mirage of me bursting out

Insides pour
so much color
Innards become the ground below  

Let it run
the crimson flood
Her blood becomes the breath of life

If they flow
her tears will drip
Becoming rain, Becoming sea

Lay to rest
upon the sea
In death, her body, land to walk

May it rise
her shining soul
To burn down on the floating form

From my corpse
The world began
And here I lie, the world I am

I can focus
Now I'm free
I don't need people
and they don't need me

I'm on track
Now I know
After hurting
I'm no longer low

I know what to do
Now that I've learned
I don't need love or friends
All I needed was to be spurned

I think I'm overthinking
I think you know it's true
I'm always thinking
my thoughts are a crutch
But, I’m always overthinking
I think I think way too much.

I think I'm having overthoughts
I think I really think too much

I think I think thoughts so much I've overthought
I think I have no more overthoughts to think

You're not completely ugly
and you're not completely fat
You're exactly in between
and that's a good place to be at

You're may not try hard enough
and you may not try the least
but here you are fighting
at least you still believe.

He says he'll change
and I can only guess
that all his love went down the drain
He'll never tell what happened
and I have only to think
that all his trust has been abandoned
I try to explain
I try to say I'm sorry
but all he can say is that it's his blame

Today he says he's changed
I say I've changed too
All his trust went down the drain
So now my happiness has too

I shall name myself. Yes, I, the little daydreamer, with no power to call her own, will invoke the power of a name. Born as a Lion. Monstrous as a lion. lost as a beast is in a cruel world. No longer will I be a daydreamer. Now I am a lost lion cub. I have named myself Curious lion.
To be true.
I am little. As am I feeble. No pride to call my own. But I am a beautiful creature with an attractive mane. Giving off a faint glow of pride and ambition. Wishing to grow to a fierce and prideful lion with no shame for being so. A cowardly lion will one day gain her courage.

I’d like to think that we’re not so different
But we, essentially, strive for different things
I might yearn for love like you do but its not what I live each day for
You might seek to prove yourself but never in the way I do
For as long as I’m important to someone
Do I deserve to breathe the air and live

At least that’s what I think
What am I without those who think I’m important
Why, I’d be unimportant
Useless even
Pointless but still adrift without a purpose
My only want is to never stop being important
But sadly my dream, along with my heart, is always crushed

Maybe that’s where we are similar
Both constantly denied the one true thing to make us happy
Denied happiness
Denied a need to live
But I could never compare myself to you

I don’t even begin to compare to you
I live as a child, always attention seeking
I try to stop it but my true self refuses to be contained or hidden
I am meaningless

I know this because it has been proven countless times
Again and again even since early childhood
Maybe some people aren’t meant to be happy
Maybe I’m not meant to be happy
Maybe I’m meant to suffer

Or maybe I’m meant to suffer for others
To give up my happiness so I can see others’
Ridiculous to deny what I already act like
I do sacrifice for other’s happiness
But there lies my lowness again

I make others happy only so I am not pointless
I care for others so they care for me
And I live in duality
Like two of me

One of me is hopeless with no reason to live
And ready to die
And the other is hopeful with knowledge that I really am not useless
Or worthless or any other condemning state of being
And I’m stuck between two realities
Both happy and dead at the same time

And now I don’t even make sense to myself.

What do I mean to you
Am I only the option
Something that exists that is kept for later convenience
A lie
Or maybe I’m not worthless
You’ll never convince me
I know I am
Ask everyone that’s ever spit in my face and walked away from me what my worth is

Maybe you can tell me what all this means
I can’t.
Even if I’ve wrote it
I’m senseless and my writing is just me throwing thoughts into my writing
without knowing If it makes sense
or if it even goes together

Maybe it all leads up to the question?
Why?

Why is it that I’ve mattered to no one?
Why is it that my happiness is always put aside by others?
Why cant I trust someone when they say they wont leave me like the rest?
I think I know

Its because the worst is always proven when they walk away
No matter what they said and promised
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I put aside for other people
Especially myself

What I the point of even trying?
I don’t think ill ever know
But other me has hope
And when there is still hope there is no end
Maybe ill suffer till my end

Prove me wrong.