Life is beautiful.
Butterflies were obviously crafted
By the hand of God
Meant to put a smile upon our faces.

Life is mysterious.
We don't quite understand
Why things happen when they do
So we're always left wondering.

Life is a gift.
I feel so lucky to have the people
In my life that I do now
And I am so thankful

Life is hard.
Sometimes I really want
To disappear, but it's not wise
To close a book in the middle of a sentence.

Life gets better.*
Though there is sometimes darkness,
There will always be light
You just wait for the sun during the night.

"You don't want to look back at your life and realize that you wasted it in front of a screen, do you?"

That's what they say.

And to them, I'd say
There are times that I feel everything around me is crumbling.
That I'm crumbling,
That my mind is turning against me.

As much as I try to fight it
I can't help the crippling depression and anxiety
that comes from seeing
a raincloud in the distance
Or sometimes, for no reason at all.

I can't control how the depression festers,
the intrusive thoughts that tell me
everyone would be be better off
if I wasn't around,
that there's a way to assure
that I'll never be caught in the rain again

I cannot count how many times I've turned to substance abuse to stop the thoughts.
I cannot count how many times the substance has worsened my condition,
Made me paranoid, Afraid of myself,
afraid of what will become of me
if i allow myself to stay

I cannot count how many moments I've had where I shoveled mountains of food into my mouth during a binge because I wasn't sure what to do with my hands.
I cannot count how many times I've punched a wall or slung everything off my desk because I needed to act impulsively in a way that would harm only myself.
I cannot count how many times I have thought of ending my own life.
I think about it every day.
More than once a day.

Sometimes I get so bad off that I can't do anything at all.
I know I can't die
my desk is already empty, i don't have the strength to throw a punch
The thought of food makes me want to *****

Those really bad times are when I turn to
my favorite TV shows for comfort

Watching a good series is like
getting ****** into a different world,
escaping from reality, all while
Being gently reminded that
there is good in this world.
that there are reasons to stay
Even if the only thing keeping me there in that moment
is the cliff hanger that was left for me at the end of the episode

If the distraction of the plot alone wasn't enough already,
the characters teach me

Katara teaches how to stand up for what you believe in and to never lose hope
Zuko teaches that you can shape your own destiny, and do what is right.
Toph teaches that you should never let another person define your abilities

Jim and Pam taught me that love doesn't always have to die as you grow older
Dwight and Angela gave me hope that things can work out in the end, even if the road is rough

Amethyst teaches that you should be comfortable with your body and its abilities
Garnet taught me to never be sorry for being who I am
Pearl taught me that it is possible to move on from losing someone you were in love with
Steven taught me that you should always stand up for what is good

Leela showed me that women can kick some SERIOUS ***, and that we should be proud of it.
Fry showed me that home is defined by being surrounded by people you love

Rick taught me that in the grand scheme of things, a lot of the things i blow up in my head are very very trivial, and that i should focus on more important things... like science!

Lastly, Morty taught me
"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everyone's gonna die, come watch TV"

stargazing
hot chocolate
music
christmas lights
autumn leaves
cuddling (in theory)
performing
long hugs
flowers
children in grocery stores begging for pop tarts
late night talks
the thought of you
the thought of us
seeing you from afar as I walk into school
Just you

Depression is Skipping meals because it's easier to be hungry than it is to get myself out of bed

Depression is Sitting on the floor and desperately trying to talk myself into putting socks on...
Because putting socks on would require wiggling up the bottom of my skinny jeans, putting the socks on my feet, and then carefully pulling the jeans back over my socks without messing them up (you know the feeling I'm talking about)

Depression is struggling with the socks because I know once that part is over, I'll have to put shoes on- the converse match my outfit.
But I've got a wide foot, and I can take converse off without untying them, but I HAVE to untie them to put them back on.
So I have to untie these shoes,
And the RETIE THEM. It's a lot. It feels like so much.
I know it shouldn't.
It's putting on shoes.

But wait, there's more!

Once the shoes are on, I've got to pack my book bag, Which first requires taking the stuff out.
Once the stuff is out, I have to put that stuff in its place.
then I've got to put more stuff in the bag,
I have to put the bag on
Walk out the door,
Eat.
Class.
Rehearsal.
Drive
Park
Walk to my building
Up the stairs
in the room.

Take the shoes off
Change,
Lay in bed

Know that I could've been in bed all day
Try to celebrate what little I did
Fail.

Toss and turn knowing I should've done more.
Fall asleep feeling alone, wondering why I'm never satisfied.

Wake up.
Meds.
Socks?...-
Realize it barely changes

Because

I'm sitting here typing this at 3:53 pm
When I should be
Putting.
My.
*******.
Socks.
On.

and then the rain fell

"You don't miss me, you just missed the person that loved you so much you didn't have to love them back"

Cracking under pressure
Relapsing
Losing touch with reality
losing her
getting caught
losing control
being replaced
not being good enough
disappointing the people I love
not being accepted
rejection
Being forgotten
Growing old
Hurting the people I love
Breaking down
Going back
Being trapped *but I'm already trapped?

I want to protest,
I want to rebel
I want to stand up and yell in their faces.

I'm tired of being put down,
I'm tired of falling short.
I'm tired of trying so hard for things that don't even matter to me.

It's sad teenagers dream of being 18 so they can get away from the life they're living
It's so **** sad that some feel that life is so bad that they'd harm themselves to escape.

We're told to think for ourselves but then when we speak our minds we're told to shut up and sit down as if a teenager couldn't possibly know anything about the world; as if the number of years on this earth determines whether or not we understand the concept of loving another human unconditionally, or understand what it's like to be sad.

I want everyone to come together and fight the injustice. To live deliberately, to **** the marrow out of life.

please take it easy on me

The moisture will evaporate
Clouds will form
The rain will pour
the sun will come out.

Night will turn to day
Day to night
Over and over
And over again

The earth will continue to spin
Rotate
Orbit
The ball will drop at the start of a new year
Lovers will kiss
Friends will celebrate

Music will sound just as sweet
As the band marches on
Left foot, right foot, repeat.

An empty matress under a frame
Lights that no longer glow
Strings that haven't been plucked in ages

A plant with no water
No sun
No hope for growth

Two cups of coffee and suddenly the answers are all clear to me

It's hard to go back to reality after being really happy. It gets so bad that i can't even see my own hands in the dark. Sometimes i feel as if the darkness is consuming me, and the only way to stop it is to let it take over, letting the fire that is my life burn out. I don't let this happen though, as i feel like my one earthly duty is to protect the people that i love.

My head is constantly spinning
And I can't seem to regain my balance,
I'm so depressed that I can't see straight, But since I'm young
I guess those feelings aren't even valid

We live on a floating rock, constantly rotating around the sun
Yet people are still worried about random boys who like it up the ****.
We're too concerned about one another rather than what's truly important:
Like staying in our own lanes, and teaching things that are less adhordent

It's 2015 and people are still being judged by their color  
When really we should be judged based upon How we treat each other

society is taking a negative turn, no doubt about it
with ignorant people preaching hate,
saying that a woman is at fault when she gets *****.

"She was asking for it" they say,
as they sexualize shoulders and legs
thinking that a woman wearing a short dress
Is just begging for their toxic kiss

The only thing I'm begging for
Is a change of heart in the hateful,
Who say my love isn't real
Because it isn't "full, fruitful, and faithful"

My love is fuller than
You will ever know
it's not my fault that you live
life with your eyes closed

I'll love who I want
Because **** she's so fine
And anyone who looks at me differently
Is no friend of mine

And a final "*******"
To all the ******* in This small town
Who think they look better when they
Put another person down

(You don't look better, you look like an ******.)

the thought of that white dress
with laughter and love surrounding me
used to give me a feeling inside similar to that of
laying atop of a warm fitted sheet
covered with a freshly tumbled comforter
pulled from the dryer just for me

but now it just feels like
crawling between cold sheets
dark and alone
i fall asleep

What goes on in your mind
When you're up late at night, wanting more than anything
to roll over and die.
What is it that goes on in your head
when you should be sleeping, but you're awake instead

Do the thoughts take over,
Or do you just lay them out to decipher?
Does your world seem a little duller  
As the the sky begins to regain its color?

Have you ever thought that
you have the power to change lives
and all you have to do yourself
is learn to survive

because never have i known a person
that doesn't use their own life force
to better the lives of the people around them
and maybe even more

pale skin,
colorful soul

I think there's something broken deep inside of me
In a dark and unreachable place

0

In a world full of darkness and confusion, you are my light and my clarity.

I'm a plane on autopilot
in a constant state of "whatever"
days pass me by but they all seem to blur together.

my head is so foggy i can barely think straight; I'm trudging through life in a depression-induced haze.

the heart in my chest is far heavier than it should be, my stomach is in knots and everything hurts my feelings.

I try to control it and I try to be okay, but I can't help it in the car when tears stream down my face.

I'm a lit fuse, an active volcano, a grenade ready to blow. any little thing that happens causes my cup of emotions to overflow.

I feel so trapped, there's no way out of my head. I don't even find comfort under the covers in my own bed. there's nothing I can do to put these demons to rest.

because I'm not a child who finds security in a teddy bear or a blanket or a rocking chair. I can't color away my problems when I feel that nobody cares.

usually this would be the resolution
stanza where I say what will solve the problem, but I don't know how to and that scares me. I hope I find my way soon.

Evening
Music
Laughter
Grass between my toes

precious moments
Fleeting

I never knew I'd miss you so

Soon