today he told me he wants to be with me
and I couldn't tell him the same
I'm looking back and I can't remember
what I did
to seek the eyes of someone greater than me

if we sat together
he'd have to watch the space between us
and if he grabbed my hands
he'd have to bite his tongue
rid his questions
when I pull away

when I return
happy or sad or breathing heavy
he'd have to comfort me
and those questions
there starting to pile up
and then I'm gone again

if we're in a hotel
or traveling the world
he'd have to shield his eyes
when the tears
and the shakes of my shoulders
won't go away

his questions are overflowing and he's ready to burst

I can't let him endure it all
just to be with me
so I tell him this pain
and I'm not surprised when I'm all alone again

I have nothing to write that will change us
And every time you hesitate
close your eyes
purse your lips
I know there's no more us

Tonight I met him
don't give me that angry stare
don't embrace me in a hug- and apologize
because you know I want nothing more than us

But we both know
fate
destines us apart

So tomorrow
and all the tomorrows your lungs breathe
keep me in your memories
but
don't remember
me and you
as an *us

Five days, each, we do the same
rise to the sun
mold our face

hard desks, loud voices
we take notes
they think we care
all it takes, a second- earns a twitch of the finger
but they don't see

we are safe

Yet here we sit
we wonder why
before us- the scientist, the detective
most referred- the counselor awaits

we ponder
do they know
pain is what we crave

we see no perceptive
cross their face

all we can do is wait

I'm back again
the me that cries
nights spent sitting up  
eyes watching nothing


I'm back again
the me that lost the will to fight
classrooms, bustle with gossip
students trying,
barely awake
eyes blurry
I wish I had no more time

I'm back again
the me that feels the tile beneath my knees
throat raw
distant voices- happy, alive
eyes deceiving
I can feel the time getting shorter and shorter

I'm back again
the me who is restrained
anxiety more severe, pounding on my chest
eyes closed
I know they turned back the clock
sentenced me with more time

I'm back again
the me who has to find the right way
path or no path
life has been given to me

I should have never believed you
when you said 'everything was going to be okay'

I'm watching them bury you six feet deep
and all I can think about
is how we can meet again

I know if you were here
you'd hold my arm down
and whisper in my ear
'don't shed a tear, you'll survive'

but you're not here
and no ones left to pin me down
it's me and my brain
and everything is a sign
telling me-
'you're better off dead'

I’m on the floor clutching my chest
You stood on me for years
Every second, imprinting my soul

The blackness is creeping on the edges of my sight
Green grass and the sparkling sun lies miles away

And more and more
I can taste the blood on my tongue
bitter and strong

You were here
And I can’t forget- rid you of my memory
I need to breathe
Why did you think you could stand on me?

I'm the four year old girl
who pointed to the funeral home and said, "that's where my dad lives"

I'm the five year old girl who stopped speaking all together
who rather have them figure her out than let them know, her world is cracked

I'm the ten year old girl
whose seen every kind of doctor, yet still not okay

I'm the sixteen year old girl
who has made progress, her world is coming together, but somewhere along the way she lost the most important piece


I'm the girl who wants to sleep, fall into the total darkness

but I'm the girl who won't give up
and somewhere out there
is the boy who will be happy I used my stubborn ways

*someday