AprilDawn

AprilDawn Jul 2014

July 14, 2002
everything indelibly inked
in my memory
  our love of  two decades
gone
in the blink of an eye
your light extinguished
all that was
ceased to be
innocence lost
someone wanted you dead
stacks of information
racks of paperwork
sad faces
phone calls
nights  in a puddle of tears
sleeping in the bed we shared
weren't you  just here ?
where are you  now?
can you see our anguish?
our fight to survive
while going through the motions
my mind repeating your  name
over and over again
as if those were the magic words
to bring you back to  this life
so empty and yet so full
mind numbing pain
consumed
my every waking moment
filled the corners of my body
with stark  grief
then  scattered to bits
and
dumped
into an abyss
of
undeniable pain

I began to talk on paper about what had just happened 12 years ago ,
trying not to sound cliched and maudlin if anyone should read the harrowing narrative drenched in sorrow and change.Yet wanting to formulate it into words.

#reallifedrama

AprilDawn Jul 2014

Access Denied

home
was where his heart
intertwined with mine
the cruel flick of a wrist
made sure
I will never go
home
again

Never forgotten, my Tom

#unexpectedmovingday

AprilDawn Jul 2014

Forlorn

I miss
so many
things

twinkling eyes
smiles for me
alone

hands held
anywhere

brash moves
pinned me
to the hall wall

passionate embraces
in the living room

morning light
splashed across
his face

good-bye
gangly night legs

hello again cold bed
with
blankets piled high

Written June 2007 almost 5 years after his surprise demise at the hands of an unknown killer.

#memoriesofmyfirstlove

AprilDawn Jul 2014

Sudden departure

from
your   cage of fleshly endeavors
closed so many doors
in my face
our future  dissolved
into nothingness
soggy eyes  blinded my
emergency exit
this heart shattered
buckling knees
could barely move
my leaden feet
managed to find
a precariously placed
cement gray
stepping stone
promising  only
  unfathomable desolation
into unknown destinations
   unsolved  mysteries
editing  personal histories
who what  why
riddle psyche and soul
onto  a continuous
loop

July 14, 2002 - now almost 12 years ago, is the day that lives in infamy in my and my families life.My husband of nearly 20 years was murdered in his office. Assailant and reason still unknown .Not a robbery. While my emotions are not as raw as in the early days & months the heartbreak of those first hours and weeks still resounds in me . Unless I get a memory loss disease ,will stay with me until my last day in this earthly shell.Tom , you are not forgotten.That is an ending none of us ever fathomed for you .

#missingyoualways

AprilDawn Jul 2014

Just Around

that  bend
is a different  life
****** in my path
placed  under my shoes
no explanations given
just
Deal with This
  move forward
because the road
behind you
is permanently closed

Sometimes there seems like there are no choices tossed your way, and yet around every corner all kinds of possibilities never envisioned are multiplying .

#unbeatenpaths

AprilDawn Jun 2014

Front Door

late  one November day
a dog eared page
from another  chapter
came alive
while crisp leaves
swirled  and twirled
love
burst in
unannounced
so amazed
illuminated
fascinated
intrigued
complex
simple
the short list
fulfilled
can't catch my breath
afraid
brave
alive
pleased
impatient
out of my hands ,
into my  very core-
Welcome.

After Thanksgiving 2007 , the man who helped me find a new chapter in my life appeared . We went to high school together and knew each other somewhat.I had been alone and recovering from my loss for over 5 years at that point.I was ready to start looking. Love has lived with us for over 6 years now .

#loveliveshere

AprilDawn Jun 2014

Archaeological Dig

discarded pieces
from days long past
crumpled  memories
wallowing in
the absence of sunlight
a welcome  respite
for spaces ,places and times
that dredge up
bittersweet ache
on the blinding  blade
of a shovel
let  them lie in peace
just a bit longer
and perhaps
  the next excavation
will find me  stronger.

Those things you have to sort out as time goes by because you could not let them go, even just digging through lightly brings back both welcome and unwelcome reminders of those tangle of moments & memories we call our lives..

#memoriesthestuffandthingsaremadeof