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I didn't know that anyone understood my pain
I wasn't aware that I had friend out there
Going through something similar, if not a situation the exact same
Here I am sitting on my bed with a gun at my head
Thinking that no one understands
Yet she was there, trying to grab my hand
Trying to make me think twice about ending my life
“You do not break GOD made you better than that”
My body was numb. My heart was black.
I wasn't trying to stop
I was content on pulling that trigger
You know, trying to finally hear that, Pop!!

Five................................
I love you mom. I know you'll be sad but I tried...

Four................................
I love you dad. Don't be sad, now I wont get on your nerves anymore.

Three..............................
I love you sister. Go out there. Live you life... and just like they say..Don t be like me.

Two.................................
I love you brother...Only 5 amazing years with you

One..................................
I'm nervous. Once I pull this trigger, my brain will explode..It will all be done

Chest pounding..Sweat dripping down my nose..
I start to remember what she said to me...
“Just **** yourself you stupid ***!”
My palms are sweaty
The metal starts to slip
Thinking to myself...
'Just do it already!!'
Procrastination...I'm already a minute late.
I was supposed to dead by now..
Yet, for some reason, I feel like I need to wait.
Her words are coming back
'You do not break GOD made you better than that'
Are you sure?? How do know that for a fact?
God didn't watch you get beaten for absolutely nothing
He didn't hear your screams that were oh, so silent
I know what you're thinking..
'He cant hear you if you don't make a sound'
True, but if I had of been louder, I would've been permanently silenced
God didn't watch you cover up purple spots on your chest
God didn't put your stomach through a punching bag test
Did God help you scrub the blood stained spot off your shirt?
Did God pick you up and kiss your “boo-boo”when you got hurt?
Tears stream down my face as the memory fades
Gun in my hand...4 more minutes passed. 5 minutes pass my due date
I'm shaking. I'm scared
'Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair???'
I drop the gun...I realize its not going to be any fun
“You do not break GOD made you better than that”
I want to stand up for myself
And use the bone in my back
I AM strong
I AM brave
You were very very wrong
**And I refuse to let you **** me today.
Ghetto child, dusty brown face, hopeless eyes, dandelion flower,
piles of dirt surround him.
He quickly runs across glittering pieces of glass
that mimics the sound of ice crushing beneath his
     paper-thin soles.
Sirens scream! Radios blare! No angels to be found,
at least not here.
Tall brick building,
six stories high,
so worn and torn from many loveless years.
Baby doll, blond and white,
tossed from the high rooftop late last night,
cracked face,
broken smile,
she once brought solace to a lonely child,
she now lies forgotten amid a maze of discarded trash.
Drunken man leans against a blood-stained wall to
    support his failing body,
brown papered-bagged bottle he clenches in his bandaged
     hand;
he struggles to reach his lips to swallow its pain-killing
     contents.
"How bout a date, sweetness?"
He slurs to two young girls passing by,
who carefully ignore his cry,
but jokingly remark of his haggard condition
as they quickly pace down the noisy garbage strewn street
and he fades within the darkness of the heated night,
without as much as a prayer to soothe his waning soul.
In this neighborhood lost,
at high human cost,
in the heart of the thriving city......
A vision of a neighbor hood, I once knew......
 Feb 2014 AP Beckstead 2014
Kasey
We're all lions here
And we're comparing the size of our teeth as if it's the teeth
and not the bite
That's the most deadly.
We're all swallowed by our pride here.
Apologizing left and right to make ourselves feel better about mistakes that aren't ours
We don't own them.
The moment the "I'm sorry" escapes from my lips it takes with it a
Solid and measurable piece of my soul.
I am waiting.
A lion in a pride of my own bounding on two feet
Looking down at your barred teeth grinning.
Because I will not be owned
Or enslaved
Because adolescence is a stage and I am not an actress in this play.
When the king of the jungle gives up his power where does it go?
Not to the juvenile. Not to the child.
To the one who hunts for it. Who grins while others growl and feasts while others sleep.
I will take it.
And you will whimper before me.
distances which speak,
of minds which never met,
posing for the world,
customary and yet

we seal the fate of hearts
in molded nimbleness,
amidst world's curious eyes,
exploring restlessness

and as torrents of time,
shall wash upon our being,
we sail a wayward tide,
but into stranger seas

to dream a poet's day,
and wake a lover's night,
breathe in a halo pale,
perhaps a transient sign

hinting a life of dreams,
bestowed upon our souls,
we walk eternity,
all so unexplored.
I dance the dance
You light up
Eye roll.
You say you love me
I tell you you don't mean it

I know that you do

Sympathy, I feel for once. Almost.
I pull away
I feel nothing again
And I know not if I'm cowardly
If I'm heartless
Or simply if I am not yours.
Moody
Happy
Sad
Angry

Moody
Kind
Caring
Loving


Moody
Afraid
Scared
Terrified

Moody
Depressed
Hidden
Shy

Moo­dy
Careful
Wary
Hardened

Moody
Joyful
Willing
Tried

Moody
Control
Fearful
Fallen

Moody-
Ready
Set
Go.
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