Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love

A child starves
Thin little arms
And they say
Not my problem.

A black man dies
Fear in his eyes
And they say
Not my problem.

A woman is terrified
To walk down the street at night
And they say
Not
my
problem.

I don’t understand it
How blind can you be?
Even though it’s hidden
It’s still a reality.

We have to educate
Only then can we celebrate
The destruction of hate
and the changing of our fate.

Our world won’t be successful
‘Til all that’s bad is gone
In the meantime, we’re regretful
No one knows what’s going on.

Sour.
Bitter.
Bright.
The sky before the night.
The leaves in the fall.
The rhythmically bouncing basketball
The poet’s nightmare.
The fire’s glare
The bottle of prescription pills
The pumpkins on our porch, still.

It's the color of his eyes that take you in,
He approaches you with a grin.

The color of the décor on your first date
You smile and laugh, then look away.

It’s the color of the water when you go out on a boat
You shiver, and so he gives you his coat.

The color of broken glass from your first fight
The sky is foreboding as you run into the night.

The color of the flowers he brings to apologize.
The sheer sincerity you see in his eyes.

It’s the sky’s bright hue as you lie on the hill.
Wishing you could stay here, and keep it still.

The sapphire necklace he gave to you
You were wary, it didn't look new

The color of his shirt when you said those 3 words
And the only reply was the chirping of the birds

The color in your heart when he started to fade
When you realized you were with a grenade

The color of her dress as it lay on the floor
You take a step back and slam the door.

The color of the guilt he claims to have
But you know you can’t buy that

Now was the time, you finally understood
It’s the color of your tears as you leave for good.

I Run my fingers through my hair
Try to shake that piercing stare
I step up, take a deep breath
I’m so close, I’m scared to death.

I bounce the ball
Now, I can’t afford to fall
This is the deciding shot
****. My face feels hot

53-53
Everyone is watching me
The other team screamed and yelled
If I miss, I’ll go through hell

I spin the ball, get in my stance
Then i let it leave my hands
It soars up in a graceful arc
I’m relieved as it hits its mark

The clock runs out
I hear people shout
We won, we’re moving on

Finally my fear was gone.

Do you ever think of me
Or what happened last November
Do you think of us, at least?
I doubt you still remember

Our secrets, our laughs.
Our blogging, our chats.
About how musicians took our breath away
and how you’d be one someday.

I remember how you’d sing
Serenade me just for fun
But the lyrics, they meant nothing
Significance? To you there was none.

I remember how you hurt me
Toyed around with my heart
You made me feel like a nobody.
Now this was the hard part.

I remember all this *******
Even though its been a year
Do you think of me like this?
The answer is what I fear.

I doubt you ever think of me
Or the promise that you made
I wish you’d think of us, at least.
And what caused us to fade.

It’s been a month
Hell, almost two
And yet still I don’t know
Can I forgive you?

You meant a lot to me
Though it hurts to admit
It bothers me how
You don’t give a ****

I’ve tried to move on
I’ve tried to be strong.
I’ve tried to forget
But I think that me is gone

If you told me last year
A guy would break my heart
I’d just laugh at you and say
Well, a guy would have to LIKE me for a start

Because of you I’ve had a lot of firsts
First boyfriend First attempt to flirt
But also first heartache
And first time getting badly hurt.

Whatever happens is for the best
It’s good to get hurt I guess
It reminds you that life aint a fairytale
To find happiness or success, you have to fail.