guys like you don’t fall for girls like me.
beautiful people like you don’t pay full price for damaged goods
like me.
they don’t pursue crazy.
they don’t want masochistic.
they don’t love freaks.
good guys don’t love sad girls.
they want girls who shine in the sun.
they want girls who can keep it together.
they DESERVE girls who don’t need to be glued together.

but girls like me NEED guys like you.
we need nightingales.
we need priceless sunsets and ocean breezes too.
we need someone to glue us together
                 to keep us kept together
                 to give us a reason to shine
we need guys who will love us for all of our scars,
even if we gave those scars to ourselves
even if those scars are so deep that they haven’t stopped bleeding yet
even if a kiss and stitches won’t fix us.
we need you.

and if you stay,

we’ll love you for all of your scars too.

A catalyst is a chemical that speeds up reactions.
At least that’s what I learned in chemistry class.
Catalysts sometimes are the major factors in a reactions and without them,
The reaction could never happen.
Catalyst can be lab chemicals,
alcohol,
drugs,
coffee even,
or a person.

While lounging around one afternoon you were talking physics
And I turned it on your head and spoke of chemistry,
Knowing full well that I was speaking of our personal chemistries.
You were right, the physics of a relationship gives us the laws,
But CHEMISTRY can predict the outcome.
If you do the math and follow the directions,
you can determine the product without even doing the experiment.

Unless the reaction you are creating has never been attempted before by the scientists preforming the experiment.

They can flip through the books,
Read the essays,
Study the theorems,
Even attempt the calculations,
But if they don’t do the actual experiment,
They will never find their outcome.

Some things need a push,
A catalyst,
For them to form a bond,
React,
And combine into a stable combination.
Hypotheses must be TESTED, ACCEPTED, and RATIFIED
Before becoming a law.

No matter how based in logic your hypothesis might be,
You need the universe and its fundamental laws to back it up.
There are still surprises left in the universe.
Maybe you and I can be one of them.

I might not be a size four,

    but when I dance, everyone watches.

I may not be the prettiest girl,

    but when I try I am fire an ice colliding.

I may not be the happiest person,

    but when I smile, just try to tear your gaze away from my face.



I should ignore your ideas on "perfection,"

I am magnificent by just being me.

And you can't tell me taht I need to

    try harder

    be better

   or become "perfect."



Please don't try to fix me,

I'm not broken.

I am happy just being me.

Gone are the days when you and I gambled our time away together.
Gone are the days when you stood bold and resolute by my side.
Gone are you from the landscape of my life and the jungles of my dreams.

But even though you have disappeared, I still feel you with me.
You come in fleeting thoughts…
         distant memories…
         lonely nights…
         poingant notes…
and long forgotten feelings.

Silently and angrily you left my side.
You whispered through the trees and ceased to exist.
The waters no longer reflect your heaven blessed visage and
   I
   am
   cursed.

You didn’t even have the decency to mop up the mud you left behind and erase your footprints from my heart.
I can follow your blood stained prints even now.
I can see them walking away from me.
Some days I even catch a glimpse of you creating the path of my own destruction.
I race to catch you.
You barely look through the rearview mirror of memories at me
      and at the unwelcome sight of days gone by,
you turn your back and run even faster
to escape my accursed face.

My old friend, cease your running for one moment and heed the wind in the trees.
Listen to their song of lost love and of heartbreak too horrible to imagine
And know that it is my voice singing to you
Screaming for you
Pleading to you
To listen to my one wish.

I don’t wish for you to love me again.
I know you can’t.
I don’t wish for you to return to my side.
I know you won’t.
I only wish to know why.
I wish to know why you refuse to check your rearview mirror for me.
I wish to know why you ignore my siren songs begging you to drop anchor at my shore.
I wish to know why you didn’t even bother to dust for your own fingerprints on the residue of my shattered soul to see if you were the culprit.

Someday you’ll understand what this moment feels like.
And then in the moments following, that are in themselves little lifetimes.
Fitfully turning, bleeding, and screaming for relief.
But none will come.

You lost your soul the moment you killed mine.

And here we are.
One of us a murderer.
The other one slain in a moment of furious passion.
Both lost forever in a black sea of jealousy and despair.
Both doomed to roam the Earth seeking another lonely soul.
Both cursed to see each other’s countenance in strangers.

Or maybe you can escape.
You are still whole. You have hope to evade my fate.
I have no choice.
I will roam the universe searching for a creature to rival you.
You were my champion.
You were my fatal flaw.
You were my hubris.
I dared the gods to take you away
And
They
Did.
They rightfully punished me for taking what I shouldn’t have taken.

Have they punished you yet?
Have they punished you for taking my innocence before it had a chance to bloom and grow?
Or was it yours to take?

The poison from your fingertips was so sweet I mistook it for honey.
The venom flowing from your lips was so cleansing that I thought it a waterfall.
The grip of your hand so painful I thought it love.

Never have I loved pain, venom, and poison more than with you.
Never will I love them as much ever again.
I am ruined.

People passing will see the marks of my sadness and utter despair.
People who clamber into my inner fortress will find your face draped on banners.
They will know who owns me.
And as they try to make me theirs they will find me unconquerable, moody, and desolate.

A desert of epic proportions.

The rain will not fall without you.
The snow will not drop gracefully to the ground without you to guide it there.

The heat will scorch.
The sun will burn.
Everything green will writher under the eternal drought you caused.


I could water my lands with tears if I had tears left to shed, but, alas, you robbed me of those too.
Today
Tomorrow
And forever,
You will haunt me.

But I wouldn’t ask for any different demon to be tortured by.

I love you.
And…
…Someday…
Maybe you will remember that
And finally grant me peace.