My heart is filled
with spilled ink
with your name

I long for your entirety
just as how I long
to hold my past

You were like my past -
someone hard to forget
someone hard to understand
someone I love
and will always will
But someone I will not choose
Because love,
Today I choose myself

I won't abandon myself for you
Even if it means losing you
Past is a nice place to visit
But not a place to stay

Past is years ago
I live in the future now.

My favorite fictional character, my antagonist
My protagonist, my happy pill, ,my "laters, baby"
My every book that I read all night, My morning thing,
My whole universe, My pushing pins,
My anger, My melancholia,
My every paradox and oxymoron, My metaphor
and simile - the every comparison to all beautiful things
My sadness that lingers beneath my shadow,
You are the disappoinment to my upcoming success,
You are the one that I have and I can't

And I have not written this to compliment
the love that we had

But to blurt out the things of how our love left me fragmented..

I cannot fathom the correct words
To utterly describe the pain
I've felt the moment I started
to remember how you looked

How you vanished like the time
How we wished upon the stars
How we write whenever we fight
How we read because of our need
And how painful it is to remember
How you look..
How you still look at her,

And I - looking at you.

One afternoon I started to follow you
Knowing your name is painted with a
Name of my favorite fictional TV series character
Your name is Adam, but I call you Jon

I like it that way
I never knew you materialize as someone
So extraordinary to me
And you’re pretty perfect

I love words. You prefer numbers.
We stay in the same place where the pine trees
And cold weather were so ******* perfect
We could drown beneath them

Just like as you said
We’ve known each other for a little while
But it was different, Jon Snow..
You told me I placed myself a part in your life
Where in fact, you have put yourself, the whole of it, much inside my life now

The one who sings. The one who writes.
We can make a good team
Isn’t that beautiful?
Isn’t that sad, too?

Just by hearing your voice singing
Makes my heart happy
Especially when you talk to me and listen to me
At a very random topic or something
I love it that way

You told me that you will be that someone
That will say good bye to my face but will come back
Please prove me you will
Please act like you will

I am forever grateful for I have found
A special friend who holds my sadness apart
Someone who’s existence feels like a melody to  me
Someone I call Jon

And in the end, memories of good conversations
Is what will keep us both alive
But for me, take my words as a promise
Because as long as it is here
I will always feel strong, I am very much alive. I am  immortal.

Five hundred eighty five thousand six hundred ninety six hours
we've spent together
I can still remember the first time we started talking
I can still remember the way you said "Hi"
and how my heart tickles for a moment
I can still remember the color of you eyes,
and how it looked at me

I can still remember the warmth of your embrace
you've given me when I feel cold
I can still remember the day you said good night
and how our lips had met that of 10 in the evening
It was beautiful.

I can still remember your scent of how it passionately
affect the both of us
I can still remember the first time you whispered me
the words "I love you"
It made me feel like a promise that I want to hold on forever..

I can still remember the way you held my hand in public
I don't even want to let you go

Five hundred eighty five thousand six hundred ninety six hours ago..
I can still remember the first time we started talking
I can still remember the way you said "Hi" -- And now it all
just ended up with a sigh
How my heart tickles for a moment -- Now it pinches my stomach with so much pain
I can still remember the color the color of your eyes
and how it looked at me -- Now I will never have the chance to see that sparkling brown eyes of yours

I can still remember the warmth of your embrace
You've given me when I feel cold -- Now, I can't remember how warm it was and I have to endure the coldness inside me alone
I can still remember the day you said good night
-- How I wish we were just telling each other good night instead of good bye

How our lips had met that of 10 in the evening
-- Now at 10 in the evening, what I have in m lips is not the taste of your lips but the bitterness of the coffee I made
It was painful.
I can still remember your scent
-- And now it doesn't affect us anymore
I can still remember the first time you whispered
the words "I love you"
It made me feel like a promise I want to hold on forever
-- Now, I am the only one who remembers it, My heart will always feel it and I still cling to that. Forever.

I can still remember the way you held my hand in public
I don't even want to let you go
-- But now, you didn't just let go of my hand, you let go of me.

That was five hundred eighty five thousand six hundred ninety six hours ago... when God took you away from me.

Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Do you hear that?

That's the sound of my heart beating.

Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Do you hear that?
That's the sound of your heart beating.

It was first day of October. I was wearing my blue sweater,
You know the one I bought at Dillard's? The one with a
double-knitted hem and holes in the ends of the sleeves
that I could poke my thumbs through
when it was cold but I didn't feel like wearing gloves?
It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look
like reflections of the stars on the ocean.
You promised to love me forever that night. . .
and boy
did you
ever.

It was the first day of December this time. I was wearing
my blue sweater, you know the one I bought at Dillard's?
The one with a double-knitted hem and holes in the ends of the sleeves that I could poke my thumbs through when it was cold I
didn't feel like wearing gloves?
It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look like
reflections of the stars on the ocean.
I told you I was three weeks late.
You told me it was fate.
You promised to love me forever that night. . .
and boy
did you
ever!

It was the first day of May. I was wearing my blue sweater,
although this time the double-stitched hem was worn
and the strength of each thread tested as they were pulled
tight against my growing belly. You know one.
The same one I bought at Dillard's?
The one with holes in the ends of the sleeves that I
could poke my thumbs through when it was cold but
I didn't feel like wearing gloves?
It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look like
reflections of the stars on the ocean.

The SAME sweater you RIPPED off my body
as you shoved me to the floor,
calling me a *****,
telling me
you didn't love me
anymore.

Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Do you hear that? That's the sound of my heart beating.

Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Bom Bom
Do you hear that? That's the sound of your heart beating.



Do you hear that? Of course you don't.
That's the silence of my womb because you
RIPPED OFF MY SWEATER.

The cold breeze of the air
The smell pf pine trees
Children's laughter
A person's smile
Those people working..

Everything reminds me of you

You, who left without explanation
         who left without a sound
         who left without leaving a mark
         who left me behind

But why do I still think of you?

Our relationship was the kind of love
that was bounded not to last
and I don't know why

We have that kind of love where I was writing for you while you are busy writing for someone else
We have that kind of love where all I ever was tulips but you gave me dandelions
We have that kind of love that endures a thousand twinge
That kind of love where oblivion resides

Maybe it wasn't really love

How to outdistance myself from you?

How do I move out of this suffering
of love when I knew that all my love for you wasn't enough?

Because we have that kind of love that while I was busy loving you, you were busy loving someone else

I was sitting alone in an empty hallway
And found myself in a perfect solace
I never knew that I will be here each day
Trying to look at the side of your pace

Above overflowing happiness, sadness gets real
For I don't even know what to feel
Can't even determine which is which or as it is
But deep down in my mind, this is my total peace

When I am alone and sad, I cry
In which I don't know why
But nevertheless, I ended up with a sigh
In which I know, someone's gonna pass by

I didn't allow myself to be hurting
But it did -- of course it did
If only I had the chance to speak
I will

But all throughout the day, I am empty
Looking back on the past times that I was happy
When is the time I'll be there again?
When is that time I'll be home and will be seeing you again?

Home is where true happiness resides
And beauty is felt
But I was wrong; I never realized the true meaning of a home
Until you came

Home is not a place
But something I saw with such grace
Your eyes that shines so bright
Something that causes the stars to fight

I can still remember how being Home feels like
HOME - being wrapped around your arms
And being stuck by your embrace
You are my home

There is this fact where I can't go back to my Home
Because I found a new shelter to live in
But not with someone else's welfare
It's with somebody's home and they call it UNIVERSE

Different galaxies conspired us to be together
Not knowing he'll be my whatever
For the universe is big and deep
And then I slowly find out I wasn't the only one living

How I wish I can go back to the times where I was Home
I still search to those eyes that struck me at 2
And suddenly it rang - my phone
I hoped and wished it was you

You decided not to be my Home
But rather my Galaxy and my Sky
I smiled knowing that it'll be big, deep and free
It doesn't matter for I am the only star and you are in love with me

Write for me
Like I always write for you
Admiring each other's words scribbled
Ending the pain with every heartache

Write for me
When I'm sad
To those times I'm lonely and afflicted
And cannot even understand myself

Write for me
Like I am the greatest masterpiece ever created
Handle me like a fragile one
And think that you'll never have another me in your life

Write for me
When I'm not with you
Surprise everyone with your words that fluctuate
Even if it means breaking their own hearts

Write for me
During the day -- when you wake up and while having breakfast
And during the night before you sleep
Think of me like I was made of a thousand old prayer

Write for me
Like a repetitive song in your playlist
Listen to the words your heart is saying
And to the words that break silence

Write for me
Like I am your greatest love
Shower me your laughter and your smiles
And take my breathe away

Write for me
Like I am your most memorable past that you want to recover
Reconcile and feel that love
Go back to the times where our love was still the best love

And lastly, Write for me
Like you're going to leave
Feel the sadness of the achingly beautiful love we once had
But never had the chance to continue