It is quiet here.
No voices,
No noises.
The silence swirls around,
It fills me.
The smell of damp wood
Mixed with soil
Fills my nose.
Stiff clothing is what I wear.
Hands clasped together,
Never parting.
My companions are also like me.
Dressed to impress
But not going anywhere soon.
My wooden box,
My comfort.
If you need me,
I shall be in my final home.

The warm wood reflects
The sunlight streaming in from the windows.
Every corner is lit with warmth
And happiness.
Yet here I am.
Sitting underneath blankets,
With darkness swirling within me.
Darkness so black, no light can pierce it.
Sadness and loneliness fills me.
I just need someone to understand.
But no one does.
So throw on a smile dear and act normal.
No one will know the difference anyway.

You were magnificent.
Everyone saw danger in
Black jeans with ink black boots
But I saw a handsome mystery.

People said that you were begging
For trouble and that you were
Going no where fast.

My friends said that you would break my heart
And lead me down a path that
Ended in a not so nice place.

You were my first love.
I remember the smell of
Cigarettes and alcohol clinging to you.

You were my first drug.
I injected myself with your presence
And gulped down your lies
Like the cheap beer we bought.

One midnight I creeped out
To meet you at that bar
Where no one in their right mind
Would go.

Smoke was heavy in the air
And *** was going on in dark corners.
Alcohol flowed freely and showed no sign of stopping.
It was there that we kissed.

Two turbulent years later
We had moved up to that section of the woods
Where people got high.
You stared at the stars but
You seemed to see through them.

It was there that I said,
"I love you."
Those little words danced on the wind
And quietly entered your ear.

At first you didn't do anything
Then you slowly moved your face
Towards mine.

The moonlight shone down and
The stars were on fire,
They were so bright.

You stared at me.
No, through me.
In that moment I realized something.

Everyone was right.
You were trouble,
On the fast track to no where,
And danger in black jeans.

My heart shattered to pieces.
I left you
And that dark path that you led me down.

Even now as I lay in bed,
Aching for your touch
I regret nothing.

You are still magnificent.
My drug in black jeans with matching boots.
My handsome,
Handsome
Mystery.

I'm really happy today.
For the first time in a long time, I don't have to fake being happy.
Early morning rehearsal woke me up
And put me in a good mood.
In choir we sang in Latin,
Which is my absolute favorite language.
In Trig I got all the answers right.
I'm leaving my 7th mod
To go to a blood drive.
That means I get to miss my last two classes of the day.
I really dislike those classes
So this is a plus for me.
I'm so happy and I'm not sure why.
Does it matter why?
No it doesn't!
I'm not going to let anything stop my good mood.
Not myself.
Not negative people.
Not even negative thoughts can bring me down.
This is my first really good day in a while
And I am so thankful for it.

I messed up.
Really badly.
I ****** up.
I'm sorry.

My heart is tearing itself apart.
I hate myself for hurting you.
I feel pure hatred for myself.
I deserve death for hurting you.
I'm so sorry.

You mean the world to me.
I don't know what I would do without you.
You being mad at me, hurts more than I ever thought possible.
I'm so, so sorry.

Sorry won't fix it
I know.
Its all I can for now.
Its a horrible thing to say but its all I have.
I'm so, so, sorry.

I've been here for five days now.
Five days in this white walled, roomy apartment
With my other half.
Four nights we slept together.
When I go home, everything will change.
No more random kissing,
Or bass playing,
Or random I love you's,
Or even hearing his voice mumble
Some silly thing as we lay in bed.
We may sit in silence for a while,
While he works but it doesn't matter to me.
Just being near him is beyond good enough for me.
It feels like my heart will burst from
All of the love I have for him.
Tomorrow I go home.
It will be extraordinarily difficult
For me to leave him.
He will be in an another state
And an hour away.
Yet every single second with him,
I'm so grateful for.
Even when we do nothing, I'm grateful for it.
I'd rather do nothing with him
Than with someone else.

We spent weeks laying in bed,
Staring into each other's eyes
And fingers intertwined.

The moon and sun chased each other
Over my house.
Sunlight slowly turned into moonlight
And then back to sunlight.

We softly whispered our secrets
And let out everything that made out hearts ache.

Your long, dark eyelashes
Were beautiful to me.
Your brown eyes had flecks
Of warm gold.

Your nose was a ski *****
And I loved to run my finger down it.
Your sharp cheekbones
Were the most interesting at three in the afternoon.

That was when the sun would
Perfectly hit your face
And make the most pretty shadows on your face.

My favorite bit about you
Will always be your lips.
The words tumbled out
Slowly and garbled
After you first woke up.

Yet when you said my name
...
Well I can't really describe it.
My name on your lips
Was my absolute favorite sound in the world.

Well, darling you have been gone for so long.
You left me and the beautiful earth.
I still listen to our records
And watch our favorite movies.

But it is alright
Because tonight I'll see you in my dreams.
As you always said,
"Even if we are apart, we'll still have each other in our dreams."

The clock ticks loudly
My mind is cloudy.
The class stares at me
I wish I was free.
I open my mouth
But flop like a trout.
My face is on fire
I wish I was run over by a tire.
My hands are sweaty,
No I'm not ready.
As I finish my presentation
I wait for my conviction.
They clap,
I am not longer trapped.
I hurry to my seat,
I feel weak.
Never again
Will I give a presentation.

"If you haven't noticed yet I'm hardly ever okay."

"I know but I don't care."

"What do you mean you don't care?"

"I don't care that you are almost never okay. I just want you to get better."

"I know I'm trying."

"I care about you so I want you to get better."

"I know."

Haven't felt your touch in days.
You don't know if you want this anymore.
Do you not want me anymore?
Do you not love me?

The cord that connected us is severed.
Its demolished,
Mangled,
Just gone.

It's not over but we aren't together.
Stuck in a weird limbo
Of are you still mine or are you looking for another?

I've always wanted you and I knew we were meant to be.
But now
I'm not so sure.
You have shaken my faith in love.

But I will love you even if you don't love me.
Call it hopeless love
But I believe in you,
In us,
And in our little family.

They float around my head
Keeping me from going to bed.
Images
Of course they are all about you
My dear why can't you leave me?
In my thoughts,
In my dreams,
Even in the songs I listen to.
It seems like you are everywhere
Yet you are so, so far away.
Please leave me my dear
And remove all traces of you
From my breaking heart.

Only three months are left
Until graduation.
I am so scared.
I don't care if I fail all of my classes,
I don't care about how I look,
And I most certainly don't care about how other people view me.
But in three months,
You will be gone.
I'm so scared of it.
You are my best friend.
I love you dearly.
I'm trying to memorize every part of you
So when you leave I'll still remember you.
I remember every odd, quirky thing
That you told me about yourself.
I remember how you were always there for me
And you never gave up on me,
Even when you saw me at my lowest.
I remember all of those weird and crazy conversations,
We would have at midnight.
You are the smartest, most wonderful,
Kind, funny, patient and geeky man
That I know.
In three months, you will be at boot camp
And I'll be in this small town,
Where nothing changes and everyone talks about each other.
You'll be excited to start your new life
As a Nuclear Engineer  
And I'll become a distant memory.
That is what I'm scared of.
I don't want you to forget me.
Even though you once told me
That I am an amazing and a unforgettable person,
I'm so worried that you will forget me.
But this is your dream job
And I fully support it.
You will be under the sea, powering a submarine
And I'll probably be working in some
Dim, dull, dusty restaurant on the main street.
*Good luck, my astronaut man.

You
Absolute
*******
*******.

You shredded my heart and dared to call me heartless.
You said that I was cold and a disappointment.
You said that my choices lead to this and I left you.

I was a warm person but you froze her with your abuse.
I had a heart but you turned it into stone from lack of reassurance and angry words.
I tried my best with everything but nothing was ever good enough for you.

A waste of breath
Waste of life
*****
*****
Can’t do anything right ever

That plus so much more I heard every day
But I told myself that you didn’t mean it and that you were just angry.
Threw my failures in my face
Even the ones that you knew were the most sensitive.
At the end of us, I was free and saw things with clear eyes.

You abused me
Verbally, emotionally, and mentally.
You manipulated me.
Tore me down and created a person
Who was submissive and believed every negative word you said.

But now I’m free.
I can do what I want when I want
I can go where I want with who I want.
I’m not afraid to voice my thoughts or alter them so they won’t upset anyone.
I don’t have to tiptoe to avoid an earthquake.

There is someone who cares about me
He listens to me and remembers the small details.
When I ask if he can teach me something, he does it as soon as he can.
He shows me affection in small ways that lets me know that he cares.

He doesn’t push me to share things.
He knows that I’m healing and that there is a lot of problems.
But he still comes back and tells me that everything will be okay.

We all have problems and go through hard times.
But there is never an excuse for abuse.
You hurt me and killed the woman I was.
Now I have to try to heal and rebuild from the ashes.

Time went slowly by
And yet oh so quickly.
It crawled and flew.

It has been years,
Yet here I am.
In my familiar, safe space
Of words and music.

To much time has past.
Many things have happened
And changed.

*But I have come back. I missed you

Chattering, bouncy, bright-eyed
That is how I was as a child
with anyone I met,
even perfect strangers.

13 was the year I killed myself.
Ripped my heart out
and rearrange my emotions
Along with my thoughts.

It happened again at 16
Then also at 17, 18, 19 and 20.

I ripped my bones out and tore my DNA
apart.
I scrubbed myself clean with bleach
And rewired me.

Now I'm reserved, still, and dead-eyed.
Recoil and avoid even the briefest of touches
With strangers.

Every time I killed myself,
I was reborn and more wary of things.
Today I am alive
because I killed myself
So many times.

I watched the sky transform from a glittery black cloak
Into cotton candy blues and pinks.

The sun rose slowly but sure of itself
All the while spreading warmth and light.

Trees went from lumbering, dark monsters
To tall, vibrant green friends.

Flowers popped with color
And swayed in the wind.

All the while I watched this I thought of you
And how much I wish you were here right now to experience it with me.

She gave herself entirely to him.
Bent over backward and twisted herself so tight
that she lost her breath.

He drifted to her and away again
just like the ocean kissing the sand.
With every new pair of lips,
hers gasped in tears.

With every new heart-pounding moment of love,
hers cracked and broke a little.

His return was almost a little too late always.
When he smiled at her with perfect teeth,
her head didn't hurt so much from all the tears.

His touch healed her broken emotions a fraction.
When he drifts away with her hands grasping for
a scrap of his shirt
and returns nothing
she becomes nothing herself.

The truth is oh so ugly
Yet the lie is always beautiful.
The lie sets us free
Truth holds us back.
Truth seems to be what is wrong with the world
But the lie is what is right with the world.
When we discover the beautiful lie has turned ugly
We turn from it but merely glance at the ugly truth.
Protect yourself from the truth
But let the lie in
And believe the beauty of it.

I smile
So people believe I'm happy.
Don't look at my mouth,
Look into my eyes.
They don't look happy
Do they?
I hide behind this wonderful mask
Of happiness.
"Oh, she is always so happy."
No I am not.
I'm dying inside.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tearing myself apart.
No one can see it and no one cares.
So bottle it up and tuck it into
A far, far corner of my mind.
Maybe one day I can finally say,
"This act is over. Someone save me from myself."

I never expected to live this long.
I thought I would have sung my swan song.
I don't have a plan,
I don't even know who I am.

10 years ago all I wanted to be was dead.
Now I'm lost.
Searching for myself in others
But no one feels quite right.

There are similarities,
but my full self is not to be found anywhere.
She is hiding and evading me.

But the promise of a future,
Filled with children and a wonderful husband,
A family all of my own,
keeps me going.

And trying to be the best I can for them,
And future me.
Future me I might disappoint you at times,
But I won't give up on you.
It might take time to make my dream a reality
But we have a support system that can help us with anything
and if it wasn't for them we would have never made it this far.