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Opening my eyes to greet a new day isn’t hard anymore.
The sunlight that trickles through the curtains doesn’t burn now.
Rolling over to get out of bed isn’t impossible.
Taking a shower isn’t a debate of whether it’s worth the pain or not.
Getting dressed isn’t just throwing on something without caring about how I look.
Eating isn’t something that I avoid and lie about doing.
Leaving home doesn’t flood me with worry and fear.

Now I greet the sun like an old friend,
I love showers again,
Now I put in the effort into how I look,
I’m falling in love with food again,
And best of all,
I’m excited to leave home and go on adventures.

All because of you, mi amor.
You truly saved me when I was at my lowest.
Smirks and small glances gave me the strength to start trying again.
Encouragement is endless with you
And you support me unconditionally.

This is new to both of us.
Loving unconditionally
Who knew it could feel so good
I watched the sky transform from a glittery black cloak
Into cotton candy blues and pinks.

The sun rose slowly but sure of itself
All the while spreading warmth and light.

Trees went from lumbering, dark monsters
To tall, vibrant green friends.

Flowers popped with color
And swayed in the wind.

All the while I watched this I thought of you
And how much I wish you were here right now to experience it with me.

You shredded my heart and dared to call me heartless.
You said that I was cold and a disappointment.
You said that my choices lead to this and I left you.

I was a warm person but you froze her with your abuse.
I had a heart but you turned it into stone from lack of reassurance and angry words.
I tried my best with everything but nothing was ever good enough for you.

A waste of breath
Waste of life
Can’t do anything right ever

That plus so much more I heard every day
But I told myself that you didn’t mean it and that you were just angry.
Threw my failures in my face
Even the ones that you knew were the most sensitive.
At the end of us, I was free and saw things with clear eyes.

You abused me
Verbally, emotionally, and mentally.
You manipulated me.
Tore me down and created a person
Who was submissive and believed every negative word you said.

But now I’m free.
I can do what I want when I want
I can go where I want with who I want.
I’m not afraid to voice my thoughts or alter them so they won’t upset anyone.
I don’t have to tiptoe to avoid an earthquake.

There is someone who cares about me
He listens to me and remembers the small details.
When I ask if he can teach me something, he does it as soon as he can.
He shows me affection in small ways that lets me know that he cares.

He doesn’t push me to share things.
He knows that I’m healing and that there is a lot of problems.
But he still comes back and tells me that everything will be okay.

We all have problems and go through hard times.
But there is never an excuse for abuse.
You hurt me and killed the woman I was.
Now I have to try to heal and rebuild from the ashes.
This bed isn't right,
It's too small
To firm
Too high off the ground.

It isn't our bed.
Our bed is soft,
It's big enough for both of us and our pup.
It might be on the ground but I like it that way.

But mostly it isn't right because
You aren't beside me.
Your warmth isn't there to reassure me when I have a bad dream.
Your foot isn't there when I reach for you,
Your snores aren't in the background.

The kicks to the back and stomach from the pup isn't there.
The warmth he gives off while cuddling is missing.
The tinkling of his collar as he patrols the house,
Is missing from the background.

This just isn't home
And I don't think any place will ever be
Close to home without you.
I never expected to live this long.
I thought I would have sung my swan song.
I don't have a plan,
I don't even know who I am.

10 years ago all I wanted to be was dead.
Now I'm lost.
Searching for myself in others
But no one feels quite right.

There are similarities,
but my full self is not to be found anywhere.
She is hiding and evading me.

But the promise of a future,
Filled with children and a wonderful husband,
A family all of my own,
keeps me going.

And trying to be the best I can for them,
And future me.
Future me I might disappoint you at times,
But I won't give up on you.
It might take time to make my dream a reality
But we have a support system that can help us with anything
and if it wasn't for them we would have never made it this far.
Haven't felt your touch in days.
You don't know if you want this anymore.
Do you not want me anymore?
Do you not love me?

The cord that connected us is severed.
Its demolished,
Just gone.

It's not over but we aren't together.
Stuck in a weird limbo
Of are you still mine or are you looking for another?

I've always wanted you and I knew we were meant to be.
But now
I'm not so sure.
You have shaken my faith in love.

But I will love you even if you don't love me.
Call it hopeless love
But I believe in you,
In us,
And in our little family.
I've stood in the silent wood and listened to the solitary wolf howl,
sped down the tarry highway on a black endless night all alone.
Marveled at the edge of the Grand Canyon at dusk.
Stood in silent wonder in the shadow of the Taj Mahal
And strolled the Great Wall of China at midnight.

None of that will ever compare to
The most exquisite sight that I have ever seen,

I have kissed your lips and tasted heaven.
The way your back moves up and down slowly with every breath you take as you sleep.
The slight lower lip pout that you have when deep in thought
Hair that has tight and loose curls throughout it.

Day after day I am in amazement of the person you are.
Dedicated, hardworking and wholehearted loving man.
Putting everyone ahead of yourself
And caring for others even when people might not care.

My heart belongs to you completely.
Without you, it would cease to beat,
And turn to dust from not being used.
I love you dearly from now
Until the end of everything.
Beyond time and space my love.
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