the replacement was as good as any,
tiny cracks beneath clothing so pretty, hidden beneath frills.
she was enjoyed, and adored, and yet
still she was just that.
the replacement.

so the second the better one has returned to its shelf,
she who served as a backup was once again discarded,
because everybody has favourites, and she was never it.

the backup friend who's no longer needed takes a final bow.
the last choice takes a leap of faith into the arms of death, so tender.

it feels like i'm no longer alive
and
am just getting by
on the scraps of  something i don't quite understand
unsettling something settles
and suddenly

>> throw yourself out the window.
walk into traffic.
those containers in the mirror cabinet, take them all. <<

huh.

what you did is back then,
when the future was where i am now,
and the past is where i resided, and
anything in between then and now,
was enveloped in static.
because
after what you did,
i couldn't remember anything else,
and
the static between times
became static in my ears
and my brain.
and the static tells me ...
die, or suffer.
...
...
...
...
huh.

and i lay on my side oftentimes
when i am able to talk to you
and in that starless night under cover of darkness
i love you, i love you, i love you
and you love me, you love me, you love me
enough to listen to tired, whiny ramblings,
mostly asleep,
you let me breathe.

a friend you used to know and a girl you used to admire
one in the same clung to memories of time with you
where conversations weren't left dead,
talk for hours, laugh until stomachs pained and eyes teared up,
while now those tears are not joy,
but a deep sorrow that scars brought on,
scars from things too terrible to put into words.
a girl you used to love and a person you used to care for
one in the same drew breath from reserves not her own
on borrowed time, she held tightly to you,
and although it hurt you to be there for her,
there was nothing else you could do but cling to the past
and she hated it
you hated it
your shared comfort in each other under uncomfortable sheets
shaking hands to skin,
tears as you ravaged each other,
just to destroy each other some more.
a person you used to comfort and now only a shadow
one in the same disappeared at some point
and you can't even remember when,
but you let her go,
and she let you go,
it left you both uneasy, but at least now you're both free
from the shackles of using each other
using bodies that barely fit together
souls too big for your selves
hoping it would be enough to rock against each other
using it as a crutch, a means of escape
freedom, you clutch it in closed fist
the uneasy of her unknowns, in an open hand.

If i were to disappear, would you look for me?
If i let my wings spread across the sky, would you follow me?
If my wounds were deep, would you tend to them?
Or, perhaps, would you turn away?
Would it be too much to bear, to witness, to lay your eyes upon?
If i were to begin running to the sea, would you run with me?
If i screamed into the nothing as loud as i could, would you scream with me?
If i asked you to love me with all your heart, would you love me?
Or, perhaps, would i not be the girl you were looking for?
Would it be too much to care so deeply, so tenderly, so fully?
Would it break my heart?
Or, perhaps, it would break yours?

people always represent love with roses
for the simple fact of a flower with thorns
because love can hurt.
there is yelling
and there is hurt
and there are times where all we do is cry
but i cry those tears for you,
and we apologise to each other (although too much)
and at the end of the day youre mine
and youre mine
and i would give the world to be nearer to you
in a heartbeat
i would give everything.
for you.