Someday my bones will protrude,
pushing up like daisies across the fields of my skin,
because I have died over and over,
every day I died,
and this one last time I will be beautiful and sunken in,
and this last time Ana will have controlled me;
when Ana said she wanted me dead,
I knew she would someday make it happen.
Because I cannot afford to be saved,
someday I will be the one the funeral is for.

There is a garden that I want to go,
a place where I can be alone,
a place where I will hang my head -
quite literally, because that's where I've planned to be dead.

I thought I was enough,
giving your world all the things you needed and wanted,
I thought you were happy,
but I was always just falling short.

Your favourite colour was green,
so green was a theme I went with often and gave you most,
but who would have known your green was an envy that caused you to cheat,
and I finally found I was just falling short.

Last I checked the sink
Hadn't been full of water, overflowing
but now I see
the faucet is running because he left it on.

I am the sky, a wide expanse above you.
I am the ocean, I whisk you away and dangers lie within.
I am the iris, I'm hope, and wisdom,
and my courage is waning but it's there.
I am comfort.
I am worth it.
I am blue,
but not the blue you're used to.
I am not sadness. I am not misery. I am not unfriendliness.
I am blue,
but you're not ready for this blue.

your words would set me ablaze,
a firepit for a stomach as it churns,
it burns,
and i am all warm inside

and all you did was give me the time of day.

all you did was speak to me so kindly,
and then
my face was red
and i shook.

maybe 5 am isnt the best time to rile me up...
not that i was complaining.

I write music.
I write music and I sing,
I sing a lot.
I play the piano,
I play piano and I write music and I sing.

early morning
i drink
although all it will do
will tire me
i am bored in this class.

Burning tongue,
I lie.

The wrongs are my rights,
the control I had was my vice.

Maybe through my destruction,
people will learn to respect me,
and maybe I'll learn to care.

Maybe.

A little circle
it spins around and around and around
maybe I'm thinking too hard
Or maybe I'm just dizzy.

and so
if i kissed you now
would it hurt us?
and not the kind of hurt of passion bruised lips,
not the hurt of our lungs when we refuse to part,
but the hurt in our minds,
the ache in our hearts
when we know this will never work?

Licking tears away with your warmth,
your sunshine dries them,
maybe they will taste good to you.

I sat on the bench at night,
the street is much more lovely when illuminated by manmade shine,
but the darkness sat beside me.
I stared at the darkness, my new companion.
It stared back.

Sitting out on the front step with you
Under stars in their last breath of this night
Coffee in hand
3 a.m.
We talk.

when i think ive gotten past it
it creeps back up
it wraps its tendrils around me
a suffocating vice...

please help me cut away
before i disappear.

I miss him most at nighttime,
when I cannot see him,
when he sinks below the ground,
and I cannot see him.

During the daytime,
he shines bright,
and his warm embrace is thrown upon me.
despite his being so far away.

And I feel his love no matter the time of day.

i know im not actually a burden but -
do you hate me? am I annoying? do you want me to shut up?
i know its just my head being mean but -
you deserve better than me, you dont deserve this mess.
i know i can get better but -
i dont deserve help, I'm only going to get worse.
I know I should be medicated but -
i dont have the money, and do I really deserve it?
I know I could just escape the void, but -
it calls my name, it beckons me.
I know maybe people do care, but -
maybe I'll really do it.

a small space
between being
and not being
and i would like to be
but the world so hates me
and wants me to not be
but i will fight to be me.
i will.

the way my lips felt after a kiss from you,
a spark that I can never find with anyone else
the way your hand felt with mine,
my stress like ice under the skin of my hands while yours were a warm summer sun to melt it away
the way you spoke to me,
your words gentle like a breeze I know from places too far gone to remember...
your touch was gentle, and
if I didn't know any better,
I would say maybe I could feel it again,
but life is cruel, and liking me was your mistake.

But I will always wait anyway,
even if they day we get back together
happens to be never.

A Monster a day keeps my sleepiness at bay,
I am either sleeping 15 hours or am awake for 4 days,
I hate to sleep because nightmares plague my poor brain,
but if I stay awake too long then my body's in pain,
I'd much rather not have to sleep at all,
but it's human nature.
I am human. Unfortunately.

In love with sunshine
so far away,
yet if I try hard enough I can feel it,
maybe this will last,
maybe this will last.

maybe you just hate me,
giving my love like it's just nothing,
surface level loves making me go crazy,
please just say you hate me.

Because you shine so brightly
and I will follow you forever
I will likely get sunburn,
but this time I don't mind so much.

stars taken down from the heavens spun
spun in the darkened corners of my vision
as i told you
and you looked at me,
sick
sick
sickened
by my repulsivity and utter lack of love
for the girl that I had let waste away
in many a dream.
and still i work to frame a perfection i can doubt to have
in this lifetime and more
because if not perfect,
what left will i have to be?

there are many nice words,
some more eloquent, others simple
but still beautiful in their simplicity,
and I use these to accurately (or as accurate as I can get)
to express the intense emotions I feel with my whole chest
with my whole head.
I write
because it's my freedom.

I sat under a tree,
it felt like sunshine,
it felt like smiles from him.
I sat under that tree every day in the summer,
come fall it didn't feel the same,
come winter it was cut down,
and come spring I planted a new one.

what's a good way to say i love you?
what's the best way to really explain to you
the love that i feel for you?

maybe...

no matter where this goes
whether there's more in store for us or not...
you're not HIM,
you're not the villain in my story, and you'll always be far from it.
you could never hurt me the way  HE did.
and although your words carry more weight than HIS ever did,
not once have you ever weaponised your words against me.
and you're real to me.
you're real.
so ******* real.

even from here, you're real.

as easily as I fall in love
I fall out
as if I'm going off a cliff
and as if the sky is falling with me

the sunshine follows me
no matter how far down I go
the sun will go where I go
dare I fall for him too.

Rip me open,
rip rip rip,
until you see nothing but a shock of white,
my stuffing spills out onto the floor,
and now you have a mess to clean up,
and I am oddly empty.

If I run fast enough,
Will I ever catch you?

If I scream loud enough,
Will I ever be heard?

If I show you my love,
Will I ever get the chance to call you mine?

No matter how bright the sunlight is,
and no matter how much I love it,
he cannot save me from destruction,
self destruction...
words at their finest still hurt...
so I will wilt away,
decay,
and nobody will ever find me.

Missing what I do not yet have,
texts of "I love you" filling a heart that weeps
and it does so weep for him.

Too far apart to tell,
one sleeps.
Too soon to tell,
the other beats awake.

You make me feel like the world might be okay.
No matter what ashes burn my eyes,
No matter who does me wrong,
You give me that one thing I never I thought I would have,
in this crumbling world of hate and destruction.

You give me hope.

my hands are on a wall of wet paint.
if i dont move them, itll dry on my hands,
if i do, the paint is on my hands anyway.
make a move, or stay this way?
i am full of cracks anyway.
maybe i can be freed.

Dear White Lies I was told as a child,
though you came from the mouths of people I trusted the most,
still I was betrayed by you.
You came in the form of
“I love you,”
and “you’ll be okay,”
and “I’ll never leave.”
You were sharper than a knife and you twisted at my heart
until finally it bled out onto a paper that would never be read by anyone else but you and I.
I trashed a note that would make more of you enter into my brain
and grow until finally you looked down upon me
as if I were nothing more than a bug
compared to you.

You wrap your icy fingers around my petals,
around me,
and you squeeze squeeze squeeze,
until I escape and hide inside,
and warm myself by the fire,
safe in my flowerpot.

i had my heart broken
what felt like one too many times
in my short life on earth,
and although i resented those who broke it,
and resented myself more for allowing it all to happen,
over and over and over...
it was worth it
seeing as i have my love,
and he loves so hard,
and so fully,
and i feel it so deep within myself
it makes me cry.

it was all worth it to have you.

You have your ways,
your sunshine-y ways
you are perfect,
you are bright,
you are true.
Though we haven't talked too long,
I will say that I love you.

i learned happiness from someone else
found my light in a boy i could never begin to love healthily
and although we talk,
he's no longer enough
and my courage shrinks smaller with every day that passes
and i thought maybe cutting myself open
and finding that small coal of a sun in me
would help me
would show me its there
but its dead
gone
goodbye forever

in another life
i was probably happy without attention
from boys who just wanted to ***** me.

this is not that life.

to be fair,
the sunlight i found was not pleasant,
and it burned me like any sun would had i gotten to close
i tried my best to be there, but i was there much too often
and i didnt protect myself!
how silly!
with the lack of protection when being so close to him,
i burned,
and the brilliant ball of flame that was the man i had fallen for
hurt me without knowing it
and even now,
whilst i imagine ripping my sun-burnt skin off
and  relieve myself of the pain of his kindness,
i would still let him be close.

i would still let him be close
because although i know what he wants of me
i know the sin he sees in his mind when he speaks to me,
pretending to be lovers
is still better to me
than just being his friend.

i will depend on the sunshine that others provide for me
all of my life
and although its unhealthy,
nobody's ******* healthy.

the truth is that i cant be my own sunshine.
but i will not cry anymore over what could have been.