Dead beat loner trapped in a world
Soon to be stoner not moving forward
Friends off to college, mistakes of the past
Keep him stuck at home, life changed so fast
From bright with a future to dumb soon to die
Chain smoking cigarettes, maybe tonight is the night
Sick in the head, broken down mind
Illness killed potential, future died those nights
Flirting with death while my love was asleep
Nobody to help me, nobody to set me free
One man army always doomed to fail
One man army, now a corpse so pale

I'm realizing that
I will always
discover something new
about myself.
Only if I can I keep an open mind
and try to find acceptance in the
things I cannot change.

I have so much more life
                                to live.
                     I cannot be afraid
         of wonder and risk.

I am turning into him.
Not asking yes but just
taking and wanting and
needing
without wondering if
you even said yes.

I should stop because
I care about you so much.
And I don't think that I've ever
loved anybody as much as I
love you...

But it would seem that I am
becoming just like him and
what will stop me?
I am nothing special,
I cannot see why you think
I am worth anything but
you do and I guess that is nice
but I guess I never really thought of
myself as special or the things we do
as special because I'm not special.

You are, but I am not.
In all honesty, I do not deserve you
and yet you stay but maybe I am
turning into him, someone you just
cannot dare say no to and the person who will take everything from you until you have nothing left except your shame and disgust.

I am nothing special.
I am just a girl in love who is
slowly taking the form of her
abusive step-brother.

I remember waking up very early the next morning,
maybe three hours after I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

I tiptoed through the house, careful not to wake anybody up,
even the guy who kept telling you to drink
even though you very kindly asked him to stop.

I'm not sure if you ended up drinking,
I forgot most of what happened that night,
but I remember shouting from the tire swing
that I loved you and that I loved you
and that I loved you.

I found where you were sleeping,
relieved to find no body next to yours,
and calmly placed a hand on your forehead.
You stirred, before gently grabbing my hand as it pulled away.

Eyes still closed,
you asked me how I felt.

I feel okay, nothing appears to be broken.

You said nothing and went back to sleep.
I said nothing and sat there for a long while.
I watched your chest rise and fall with each breathe,
and I loved you and I loved you and I loved you.

After a time I stepped outside to smoke a thought,
and the thought I smoked was not of you or of the night before
but of my mother.
She told me,
after I brought home my first date, two months into my freshmen year of high school,
that just because I desire somebody's love,
does not mean I deserve it.

I loved you and I loved you and I loved you
but I did not deserve your love.