Why, when a baby cries,
we feel potential.
Like we know that his life
is the best its ever going to be
right now.
And we ponder telling them
that it only gets worse
but we stop short,
fearing maybe then he'll never stop.
But life does become better-- meaningful.
Sometimes.
However if when we are born
it is a marvelous accident,
then why do we scoff at oblivion.
Why do we strive to be more
than those who came before
and why the hell
are we concerned with disproving
heaven.
Why exactly can we find meaning
in a place that was formed out of chaos.
Why, when we see a baby laugh,
do we smile back.

It's the hardest thing to think about you. To miss your voice, your presence, your friendship, your trust, your honesty, your cruelty. Nothing hurts quite as much as losing you. Not my first heartbreak, not my innocence being ripped away from me. I can let go of so many things, you are not one of them.

You made a choice. And I respect you and the choices you make.

It was so hard at the start... When every lie and every truth and every ounce of pain was something I wanted to tell you about. You were my best friend, my confidante, my breath of air while I was drowning, my lifeline. Everything I wanted to live for was you. But I wasn't everything for you. I was a phase, a hopeless act, a temporary fix. You deemed me unworthy and in all honesty, it was how I was. It's how I am.

And I love you. I would have given up my life for you. I would have given up everything for you. And I did. I gave you up. I didn't fight. I didn't scream. I didn't get angry. All I could do was tell you that I love you. It still hurts. 18 months down the road and it still hurts as much as the very first day.

you offer your hand to me
as if i'm some type of dog.
shying away from your touch
i cower,
head hung low.


you get too close,
always too close.

i can feel the warmth of your fingers
as they hover above my skin

i feel almost safe
until you grab me

i bite your hand
you taste so bitter

please tell me why are you filled with bitter blood and bridges burnt?
don't tell me you don't know what it's like to feel pain
because i can taste it on your skin.

it exudes out of you like an odor that i can't get enough of

i crave it.
(you.)

but,
back behind bars i go
and we get back to that place where everything is okay
in your eyes

but i'm trapped
in mine

this was never love
this was never love
THIS NEVER WAS LOVE.

i rattle the bars
curse your name
and howl the blues with the wolves

i don't need to look you in the eyes to know that you despise me.

my teeth are sharp and my smile always did look like a snarl
and i cut you too deep to begin with
but i've never asked anything from you
in the seven hundred and thirty days that i've known your sorry ***,
so
please
just
this once
when you see me on the street
and drive by
as if
we never knew each other

free me from the ward of your heart
and set me free one last time..

i don't want to be remembered as the girl who gave you everything
i want to be remembered as the girl who took the rest of your humanity.
because we both know that's what i really did

look me in the eyes and tell me i didn't
destroy you.
tear you apart like a wild animal
from the inside out.


i'm not lying,
i promise you.
and him.
all of you.

im not crazy


just



**yet.