pieces of me are falling away
both apart and into place
i've made peace with many
goodbyes but just this once
will you stay in my greedy grasp?
i'm going to try to write a poem a day
no matter how long or short
whether it's brilliant or scrappy
i've lost so much already...
i will not lose this. i cant.
my heart is heavy but not with pain
with prescription pills
meant to sedate my sadness
they didn't tell me it would
******* my creativity too
"there's so much i want to say, but i don't know where to start"
i am an
every day i break their hearts because i am the reason their prayers are never answered. i am the prayer never answered. i will never be what they want, a christian warrior, and i hate myself. sometimes, i wish they would hate me too.
broken wings of angels can
no longer shield me, even if i
didnt already know that your
embrace is but a white prison
your tears feel as real as the
poisoned blood dried black
on my skin that you offer me
to be cleansed of once again
to choose you or to suffer is not love.
you are not love.
life gleamed in velvet colours
when it seemed to be
coming to an end
endlessly bleeding creativity
art made of pure desperation
i am healing like
grey static and still waters
passion, where are you now?
i'm begining to believe the chaos
was the most stunning part of me
and i am rather plain without it
heat is pain
bones and skin melted
your nerves destroyed
your body scorched
is just a sick kind of fire
a cruel one because, you see
burn me once and discard of my corpse
but freeze me, warm me up
and freeze me again
heat is pain-
but cold? cold is torture.
i'm freezing...for now.
this poem is a messy but so am i
where down must spring up
and up must crash down
where i see a dragon slayed
they all mourn a tragic loss
where i drown in air and
catch my breath underwater
where the finish line is the
start i desperately ran from
and i keep running
there's no getting out of here and it's enough to drive you mad, isn't it? // first poem of the year...i haven't been writing much.
i'm equally as scared as i am curious to know
what i would do if i ever could see myself
not my reflection nor my shadow
not a photograph, not a memory
but to stand beside and breathe
separately and simultaneously
with the person i am right now
would i see the girl that
my loved ones claim to admire and cherish
or be disappointed by meeting
exactly whom i already perceive myself as
would i see death in her eyes
like i do daily in the mirror
or would i see hope, hatred
pity, strength, guilt...fear
yes, i think i'd see fear
i think i'd take a knife to her head
and pierce the wicked, coward
that sits protected within my skull
until i couldn't swing anymore
or maybe i'd give her a hug
to stab her in the back.
that seems more like it
we've never been one for
"Know thy enemy and know yourself" - Sun Tzu
there are many directions i could have taken this poem, i let myself write blindly and it led me here. i wonder if i will always be my own and worst enemy.
how silly of you,
my precious and massive heart,
to press and push and wedge and ram
crushing yourself against this ribbed cage that
unjustly holds you inside the prison of our body
ruled by this ruthless tyrant of a mind
i sincerely believe you would break
my bones before you stop
and i dont blame you
sometimes i feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest but maybe nothing is "pulling" maybe it's just trying to escape...to escape me...i would too.
the voice of
a male siren
side of my
it's a tuesday evening at 5:45pm and i think i can be happy.
this is becoming an unfamiliar pattern.
fractured and scattered
pieces of me reconcile
when you hold me together
so tightly that even when
you have to let me go
they don't fall away
maybe... just maybe... i dont have to be broken.
you showed me that.
we fall asleep
so easily as if
a mockery of
fell even faster.
sweet dreaming, sweetheart
ive never learned
how to write without
inking my pen with
tears and blood from
my broken brain so
if you like to read my
poetic pieces of pain
nearly as much as i like
to create them for us
i guess it's a good thing
that ill never be good
i will never lose poetry as
i will never find happiness
so you will never lose me
I'm in pain but I'm a poet.
how's that for glass half full?
soon, you'll wish you hadn't
even come to know my name
when you bitterly realize that
every **** day is the same
endlessly wrestling against
the relentlessness of my pain
i should have warned harsher
that loving me? it's a losing game.
I'm scared for you.
i think i need you tonight
yet i cant call you like i said i would
i know i don't need to be alone
or atleast, i'd like to know
i think i want you to teach me
but you wouldn't know where to start
i know you won't be mad at me
or atleast, i'd like to know
i think i need you tonight
but i won't call like you said i should
what the **** is wrong with me...
i hope as you're drifting off now
you imagine the comfort of
me holding you closely but gently
as i so desperately want to
perhaps if i want it enough
you'll feel a warmth fall onto you
and somehow know that it's
my love seeping through the screen
he fell asleep on our call...again ♡
I wish I'd throw up until I died.
this old creaking fan
is but a pathetic recreation of
the magical song of waves
that lulled me to sleep
and even if I squint
my roof, scratched and stained
hardly bears resemblance
to a starry sky
and pillows damp
from stray tears is a lousy jump
from resting in warmth
of loved ones
came back from a trip with friends
came right back to this dark hole
I didn't expect otherwise but it still hurts
walking away, your grip
around my throat vanishing
as i ready for a rush of relief
a great gasp fills empty lungs
with acidic oxygen simply
replacing my suffocation with
a different kind of suffering
you're gone but you still hurt me
you're gone but i still feel you
shouldn't the worst be over...
i don't feel relief. i just feel like ****.
i hope at the very least
you were telling the truth
when you said you miss me
i hope you're miserable like me but i know you're not.
my voice is muffled, isn't it
your ears are stuffed with either
faith, fear or infatuation
that replaces your love with lenses
of bright flashing red lights
when you look at me so please just
keep your eyes closed
until im gone but know this well,
i am walking away but
you are the one who's leaving me
your obsession with God will always outweigh my worth to you and sometimes I foolishly need a reminder of that...
you said i was 'special'
well, at least you got that right
because it takes a special kind of stupid
to stay up waiting and writing
about a ghost all night
i knew the odds but my silly little heart chose hope anyway
i was a bit happy until you came
and i really tried not to cry
1-word replies and clear disinterest
the longest text was goodbye
but i'm being much too dramatic
it only made me want to die
and spend the next couple hours
racking my brain as to why
so now i'm just shaking my head
and i'm flailing my arms
you'd think all this routine crying
would be some sort of alarm
but an alarm is simply no match
for stubborn covering of ears
keep chanting "it's fine. it's okay"
as i wipe away these tears
saying, "it's fine. it's okay," to my silly little fears.
be a good girlfriend and get over it...
i'll stay afloat for a little while but
if i end up out of this water
so bitterly be it
but i will not let myself
struggle beneath the surface again
inspired by 'past the thrashing' by Amanda, one of my FAVOURITE poets on HP. Her poem is reposted below.
i'm sorry it took so long
to realize the difference
between seeing you for you
and watching you watch me
i'm trying to learn to see YOU.
not hyperfixate on how you see me...
i don't want to survive
i want to be free
even if that means
i don't get to have both
my strength isn't a virtue, achievement or compliment.
it's a prison.
all that's left to do
in wait of the next time
my stitches pop and are undone
is patch me up pretty with
i unraveled...big shocker
i have before and i'll do it again
all i can do is wait. this is my life.
my darkest desires take point
but my will to live is often spoilt
these savage opposites are joint
never a winner or loser to appoint
a path set from birth you did anoint
i'm always dying to disappoint
i'm not want you want
i'm not what i want either
she was assassinated
by her own corpse
and roamed tortured
as a ghost haunted
by her own reflection
how many times
can i lose my mind
before it's okay to
stop ******* looking
i don't want it back
i want it gone
i'm tired of the skin
on my face, parched,
because there is more
salt than moisturizer
i'm tired of sitting up in bed
to catch my heaving breath
then flipping over my pillow
before i can lay down again
i'm tired of choosing
between soaking the
backs of my hands and
dry-staining my cheeks
i'm tired of crying
it's not okay
you don't get it
and your hope is
i'm not going to 'feel better soon'
but i'll just say "thanks" anyway
lately i have noticed that no matter
what i gain or lose
that constant, burning feeling of being
one more worry away
from my complete mental demolition
on the edge of an implosive insanity
haunts me mercilessly
this devilish dense acidic anticipation
bears an awful weight
that i habitually beg to just crush me
simply because i am so tired
of holding this burden
and i am so sick of
cheers to my 200th hello poetry post!
this year has been jam-packed, testing my strength and limits by breaking me over and over. i'm too young to be this numb and have such sore shoulders
new friends and old flames
aren't nearly enough
to fill the you-shaped hole
in my here and now
i chew on the side of my mouth where my teeth hurt
i cut my toast vertically when i want the halves in triangles
i turn the temperature down when i want a blanket
and i count all the flaws in my reflection before i leave the house
i do a lot of small things...to hurt myself
passive aggressive self-loathing
normally i need my solitude
but tonight i need someone
and for the first awful time
i feel so lonely being alone
this is a new/very rare feeling
i usually find comfort in solitude
not tonight i guess...
will this title tether my touch
to your heart or the void
of feelings long withered away
will you finally realize I'm nothing more
than 10 disposable letters to you
even though you are everything to me
I'm scared that when we meet...you'll realize you feel nothing for me and distance won't be an excuse
i believe i am one more
tiny mistake away
from slipping beneath
the surface again
every slip up feels like a massive chain and ball mercilessly dragging me by my legs, deeper underwater
it was almost over then it wasn't
and i still don't know how i feel
about that selfishly
thinking of november
i know being loved
is not the same
because if it was...i'd feel loved by you
but what if i care more
to be loved than
to be yours?
i don't think i do
i just wish i could have both for once
my cheeks dropped in fear
that my sadness would hear
that i am finally doing well
and drag me back to my hell
you call it paranoia and pessimism, i call it protection and preservation
i don't want to fall for hope only to be disappointed again
i am oh so easy to love
i'll give heart and soul for free
so i am seldom surprised
each time they abuse me and flee
go ahead, i'm quite used to it
soil, steal and break what you need
because i am easy to love and
i am oh so easy to leave
it's not just a pattern, it's an addiction.
who am i now if not exploited?
dear writer of the past:
we're alive and sometimes
we don't regret that fact
but i think we will be writing
sad poetry forever
a lot has changed-
but somehow also nothing at all.
shower me in affection
then watch it roll off my slippery skin
a puddle of your wasted love pooling at my feet
you can't protect me from myself...you should take your help elsewhere
when the sun rises do you forget the moon...
does the light shine for a thousand lifetimes?
does it violently tip the scales that weigh your desire to exist?
is it jealously possessive of your every thought?
...because i can't remember the sun, in the moonlight
it seems like my pain is stronger than any joy i've felt.
but i can never trust my judgement with these things
tell me, are the good times as potent as the bad?
please turn the music up
for it is much too noisy
and i need to get to sleep
my mind is loudest in the silence, the still
i'm far too vulnerable without distraction
i freeze, i burn, i shatter
i don't melt and
i don't die
but tread carefully
because you just might
tw// graphic note
when i'm in pain i won't melt into your arms, i'll cut them
i don't need any more blood on my hands. just run.
sitting on old prescriptions
and sleeping in plastic capsules
that float on this vast ocean
i have collected with familiar
waves of tears that once
drowned me, now buffered by
i'm racking up quite the collection
i'm going to be sick for a long time aren't i?
sorry, i don't want you
i just want you to want me
whenever they don't
because i've never known
how to want myself
it's wrong but when has anything ever been right for me
it wont last long anyways
i'm never alone
depression is a zealous
and jealous lover
you hate me and want me all for yourself
you love me too quietly
for me to hear over my pain
and you touch me so softly
that i don't feel anything at all
i don't feel you