it inhales as i exhale
expanding in my chest
stretching my heart
shifting my lungs
slightly

i feel it
i can't get it out

27.02.23

the hand that clenches the fist
to crush my heart and grips knives
to stab my abdomen is the same hand

that will soak an innocent life in gasoline,
and drop the lighter without hesitation
while using the other hand to hold yours

i will burn myself to death
i will burn the world to nothing

i would do anything for you
i will do anything for you

i hope you're okay but
not okay with the fact
that i'm gone.

i hope you come back but
constantly hate the fact
that you won't.

01.15.24

"reach for the stars!"
i'm certain you've heard that one before.

and sure, it makes a catchy quote but
have you ever really reached for the stars?

outstretched arms, on your tippy toes, and
your forehead creased with determination.

your eyes locked on them as they tease;
playfully winking and blinking back at you.

and you swear they seem just out reach...
but that is a cruel, desperate and futile illusion.

don't reach for the stars because your best
will never be enough for them, and plus-

they're dead anyway.
but you? you are alive.

11.08.20

don't fix your stare
on bars before the
shooting stars

it won't last forever
watch just as much
as you can

03.18.23

i let the horrors dealt to me
roll off my back like water

for years, slowly eroding
the soft surface of my skin

until it begins to just barely
drip through into my body

i let the horrors dealt to me
hollow me out like acid

each atrocity seeping inside
and dissolving my bones

until my heart and my mind
are drenched and drowned

i let the horrors dealt to me
fill me back up like poison

i don't know how to stop
letting it all roll off my back

i don't know how to stop
letting it all ruin me.

30.11.23

we fall asleep
so easily as if
our minds
are making
a mockery of
our hearts
that arguably
fell even faster.

21.10.21

"if you didn't like it, you wouldn't make it so easy."
obviously. it doesn't take a genius to put that together.
of course i like it, i like everything about it.

the way it immediately makes me self conscious,
feeling like i'm a cheap sample on display.

the way it reminds me of every time,
i couldn't even look at my reflection because i was ashamed.

the way it makes me overthink,
wondering what exactly i did to make that seem okay.

the way it helps me constantly compare myself,
to every girl i see, then lose, every single day.

the way it floats to the forefront of my mind every night,
forcing me to fight those senseless, meaningless tears away.

oh, and this is my favourite part,
the way it reminds me that i am simply
a weak, easy, whorish, ****.

and that's fine, 'cause i mean,
if i didn't like it, i wouldn't make it so easy,
right?

30.05.19

if i hadn't waited on the timing you promised
i would have sat anxiously unaware
walls and doors apart from you
but i waited, but i stayed, and you showed me
the truest love.

a love of the wind.

08.06.23

when you slashed my skin
your sorry excuses held me together
like ***** tangled stitches
killing me slowly with infections
only to continue bleeding

endlessly bleeding

06.03.24

mismatched shapes of endless shades of green
frame a solid, silky blue dome
so smooth it could melt like
dripping thick tears of heaven

static pop music from my radio interrupts
disgruntled birds throwing a delicate tantrum
or perhaps they are just singing along

15.04.20

i keep the ink in my pen flowing
and my eyes on my inspiration

and whether this is weakness
or hope or strength or delusion

my imagination has proved to be
just as strong as my depression

so if my mind has sentenced me to death
life will have to be my own creation

22.07.20

folding
yesterday's
clean laundry.

shaping a
perimeter of
piles around
me sitting,
legs crossed
and slightly
slouching.

the voice of
a male siren
croons to
slow acoustic
tones playing
from one
side of my
damaged
headphones,

along with
𝒉𝒊𝒔 static
voice.

02.11.21

i think if i stopped fighting
my joints would give way
rendering me a small pile
of bones, flesh and blood

i think if i stopped fighting
to keep it all together
i would crumble for good.

21.02.24

thankfully, the sky was clear
but I was deep in a fog of anxiety
or sailing the famous 9th cloud
either way, that morning was a blur

their timid thumbs pointed to the sky
at least six times during my desperate
rambling to avoid silence, quiet enough
that they could hear my racing heartbeat

eventually those thumbs found their
way to caress the back of my hands
and my tongue found a more sane driver
in a lifesaving a cap of paper strips

31.12.20

i thought flames were wild and free

growing, heating up
every time it has a chance
no control

dying, going out
as a slight wind brushes by
no strength

exploding, destroying
everything in its path
no reason

beautiful, warming them up
until they get too close
no intimacy

i thought flames were wild and free
'till i realized they were as trapped as me

30.03.20

shh
no sound, no breeze
rustling animals were still asleep
i phased into the stillness

then two birds flew past
mocking the silence with their song
as they clumsily chased each other
through your branches

critters were rudely awakened
and the wind began to whisper

i wonder if you
were as startled as i was

24.04.20

my mind's fist delivers unabating
gut punches rocking my lonely stomach
accommodating only small plastic soldiers whom
i often beg to choke me on their way to their losing war

01.12.20

i am not afraid of you
sometimes, most times, i want you
or maybe it's the idea of being with you
forever, that draws me in

i am not afraid of you
when my mind wanders, it finds its way to you
briefly, for hours, i fantasize about you
but it doesn't feel as wrong as it should

i am not afraid of you
if we met, everyone i love would resent you
yet, i think about being face to face with you
and feeling comforting desire; satisfaction maybe

maybe im wrong and i dont want you
maybe, if i was touched by you
i'd take back everything i claimed

i am not afraid of you, for now
but maybe i should be.

24.12.19

it's not lasting or 'natural'
this happiness i feel
it leaves scars, but that's okay
'cuz if it hurts...

that means it's real