i'm wandering along a beach and i just killed the Arab
i'm waking up one day sophomore year and i'm deciding that it will be the last day of my entire life as i tie my shoes to go to school
i'm at my mother's wake and i'm trying to care but i just can't and i'm okay with it
i'm walking down the hallway and no one is making eye contact with me because they are afraid or disgusted or don't care or all of the above
i'm using some of my last breaths to yell at the priest and feeling no remorse
i'm making conversation with my last period teacher and smiling for the first time all day
i'm looking out at the crowd about to witness my death and feeling the gentle indifference of the world
i'm relating more to a sociopathic man in an absurdist novel than anyone i've ever met and i'm
not worried about it at all

i don't understand myself
i don't know why i let you into my life
when you are so content with just drifting away
and you say that you were stupid
and that you would take it back if you could
but i am not the sand between your toes
i am the entire ******* beach
i am the feeling you get when you miss a step at the bottom of the stairs
i am God herself, extracting every single statement from your lips and it is
Intentional
foretelling every move you make, every compliment you give and it is
Purposeful
i know what the inside of your skull looks like and it is
Vulnerable
so don't
mess with God
and especially not
girl

Everyone says to write about what I know
So I am writing about us
I am writing about bloodstains on the back of my shirt from when you slit your wrists and held me when I shook
I am writing about how you softened when I cried, even when you were high
I am writing about how it felt to put my hand on your knee in the middle of June
I am writing about when your pupils were as big as saucers and I had to help you to your room
I am writing about the sickness that robbed us of our youth
I am writing about how at peace I felt with the world when you looked at me with that smile
I am writing about how I fell in love with you again every time you put your head on my shoulder
I am writing about how you broke my heart every time you put your head on my shoulder
I am writing about love that didn’t quiver when you raised your voice
I am writing about how every fiber of my being ached for you to be well
I am writing about addiction in the passenger seat
About watching you push down the pedal as hard as you could
And knowing as you lost complete control
That I was always going to be there too

No place to sleep
My bed is all there is
Let me take care of you, Allyson
Allyson.
That name on his tongue
You feel heavy
You don’t feel **** anymore
Sweating
You’re sweating and sweating and sweating and sweating
Hands on your hips
Hands
On
your
Hips
God you’re so STUPID
You’re so so so STUPID
Lie down
Keep to yourself
Nothing will happen just keep to yourself
Look at the ceiling
You’re ok
You’re ok
Throw up
You’re ok
Leave at 6am
It will disappear
It will disappear
But it doesn’t
People are saying something about crying ****
No you just think he made you feel uncomfo-
You never said anything about ra-
You’re a feminist
You’re a contradictory *****
You’re a gazelle and four cheetahs are
Ripping
You
Apart
You’re losing touch
Hives
Hives
Hives
All over your body
Steroids
Steroid pills
Steroid injections
Mom it’s poison ivy
Mom it’s the laundry detergent
Mom it’s the overwhelming anxiety that is consuming even the largest ***** of your God-forsaken body and it’s on your hips
Hands
On
Your
Hips
You’re sick
You’re sick again
You want to die again
Prozac again
20mg this time
the dreams
the dreams are so vivid
google search: how to tell your boyfriend his best friend violated you in a nightmare for the third night in a row
friends
losing
friends
fights and fights and fights
no one cares and you don’t either
how are you supposed to care when all you see when you look at them is
Hands
On
your
Hips
And the dreams. The ******* dreams
Who would believe the dreams
Who would care
give them the glare, give them your signature glare
they don’t understand they will never understand they don’t want to ever ******* understand
walk alone
eat alone
read alone
alone alone alone
it’s better that way
it’s almost over