i didn't know that losing sleep meant losing you too.

how could the hours upon hours i spent sleep deprived, bleary eyed, drunk off your opulent words, mean so little?

were the words you said just a myth?

just lies escaping your lips?

all the evening stars leading to a early morning sunrise, did they mean nothing?

why is it that your words were more comfortable than my bed?

why is the thought of not talking to you far more fear inducing than the test i have early in the morning that i did not study for?

the bags under my eyes,

the slowness of my step,

the drop of my head on my desk,

all worth it.

every second speaking to you was a gift.

and then you were gone.

and i thought that i could finally sleep again.

except that's the funny thing,

i'm not.

even now i'm still losing sleep over you,

even now?

there are tears on my pillow.

even now?

the words that used to rock my world make me terrified of the goodbyes just as we started our hellos.

and now,

callous in passing we remain.

please don't let me fall in love with scrawled
notes on napkins and don't leave doors open
when you have no intentions to close them

and please quit acting like it's okay to love
people haphazardly because one day you're
going to wake up and wonder where your
heart left its pieces

i want to apologize for not fitting into the
mold of someone i'm not, but i refuse to
chisel away parts of myself to remain
in ephermal ecstasy

a long time ago i made a promise to
myself that i intend to keep, and that
promise is to leave fairweather people
where they belong and find my sunshine,
my light

so i'll raise my standards while you
lower yours, because i still have a heart
that yearns for love

all your heart ever yearns for is pain

so tonight i may go to bed with a
bruised heart, but hey at least it still
beats, now i really can't say the same
for yours

but finally you're left with a heartbreak,
that this time you really couldn't afford.

you never stayed with me until morning,

always leaving before you could leave a trace,

always leaving before my heart could become your place.

i finally started carrying a knife in my pocket so i could cut

ties with everyone who left me like you did.

you left me feeling like an unraveling thread,

coming a little more undone with every broken promise

that resounded with the words, "i'll stay."

my seams ripping with every, "i never loved you."

how many other girl have you said that to?

i'm tired of being the equivalent of a warning label on your

carton of cigarettes, never caring who you burn.

knowing that they're already killing you,

just as fast as you're killing me.

the worst thing about you is that you made it look easy,

and i personally should know that

loving you was never, and never will be **easy.

the day i get an invitation to your wedding and it tells me to wear white, i'll wear black, and when you ask me why i'll tell you that i feel like i'm attending my own funeral.

i'll sit there and wonder if you ever hear the sound of broken promises resounding like church bells at a wedding for people that weren't meant to be?

when you're standing at the altar saying vows they'll sound like death threats to my ears. you'll look at me and mouth the words "im sorry" like pulled back triggers on a gun.

i'll remember i was bulletproof until your eyes looked at mine, and then i became the biggest target in the room, and this is why you'll always be a lesson in broken hearts.

i loved you like a forest fire that was out of control, like there were a million firefighters trying to put out the spark we had and someone just kept adding fuel to the fire.

i tried so hard to conceal my butterflies like lighters , unaware that you'd already stolen them from my pockets and extinguished any idea that things could've ever been different between us.

now i understand i was just a broken metaphor to you and it makes me mad that i used to spend most of my time of daydreaming that maybe i'd be the person you spend your last breath saying "i love you" to.

when its asked if anyone has any objections i'll smile and say, "i loved him to," and just like you did, i'll walk away.

i like to think about the way rain hits windows because it reminds me of you. i was the rain and you were the boy who never stepped a foot outside. you stayed locked inside like a castle. no matter how many times i cascaded raindrops like tearfalls you could never seem to see the beauty in them. you were terrified you'd become the echo of thunder and that you'd never be heard from ever again. but you were never one to be something so insignificant. i wish you'd open your door and realize the reason i kept coming back was because you had the potenital to be lightening. you could brighten a whole room just by walking in. you made me realize that there was beauty in such simplicity. i knew you were the one because you secretly loved watching thunderstorms. the first time you cracked open your door you were holding onto your umbrella for dear life, like you didn't know what would happen if you actually braved the storm. you were hell bent on thinking the words "natural disaster" were tattooed permenantly on your chest. i tried urging you to come out with promises of washed away fears and kisses in the rain, but you were still hesitant. it was like you were waiting for something and i didn't know what else i had to offer. it was then you decided to come outside and i couldn't understand why. you came up to me and dropped that ******* umbrella and took my hand and said, "can't you see i was waiting for you to let down your guard, you put up walls like windows and made the rain fall like floods around your heart, you were the one who wouldn't let me in."

have you ever realized the color of your eyes resemble coffee beans? already on my mind as i take my first sip. i keep finding myself looking across the counter to where you stood just a couple months ago, where our lips danced as if they knew it would be their last. when i thought forever was an unspoken agreement laced in between our fingers. my apartment is as barren as my heart the day i saw you with her. you told me she was a mistake and i remember saying "so were you." by the time you were gone i was already cutting your face out of our pictures. sometimes i miss the way you could make me feel breathless with just a look in your eyes, spending our nights listening to playlists you made for me, but now when i replay those memories all i can hear is broken records and static. i still wear the locket you got me for our 6 month anniversary. it stays tucked away because im afraid to be caught wearing it, or get that feeling a kid gets when he has his hand in the cookie jar. i guess you could say a lot of things aren't meant to be, just like you and me.

exposure to you was the worst thing that could've happened to me, you taught me wrong and that it was good to hurt. you told me i wasn't good enough, that i was an introspection of disaster just waiting to happen. you weren't ever a loving hand to hold, you were the hands that burned me. you told me i was spiteful, naïve, and that i sang all the lyrics to your favorite songs wrong. you always walked around with balled fists and eyes darker than the embers sitting in the fireplace from love letters i wrote you that you didn't even pretend to read, in that moment i'm pretty sure that i burned holes into my shoes from staring at them for so long. i tended to tiptoe around you because you cut my lips with broken promises and gave me swollen black eyes. when i was with you i learned that the truth hurt because with you i didn't just get a slap on the wrist, i got 3rd degree burns from the words you said to me that are forever burned into my heart. i can't remember the last time i took a breath without getting choked with the hands of a man that was supposed to love me. the day i packed my bags was the day you told me malevolence would follow me wherever i went, i chose not to believe you. but i was wrong because you can see the burns, bruises, and cuts to prove that you kept one promise.