Foot Long

When home alone, I wear no clothes,
when people walk by I strike a pose.
All my neighbors seem to enjoy,
of course I'm more ******* than the water boy.
I always make sure no kids are watching,
my ***** always look like their boxing.
You'd walk naked too, if you're thing was a foot long,
me and Tommy Lee seem to get along.
Been offered millions of times to be in ****,
women love to honk it like a horn.
When I wear clothes, they must be baggy,
I have less brain cells than ****** and Shaggy.
Can't drive a car or ride a bike,
I wear a helmet whenever I hitch hike.
Can't get laid, but girls love to touch,
I seem to like it if its to much.
Don't know my a, b, c's, can't count to ten,
sometimes I squirt more than an exploding pen.
Yesterday they put me in a special home,
from my mouth, I always seem to foam.
They wont let me walk in the ****,
the people here are so **** *****.
I fell in love with my nurse,
I guess things could be worse.
When the doctors found out,
they put me in a straitjacket,
now how am I supposed to whack it.

Forgot

Forgot about you, forgot about me,
I even forgot how to ***.
Forgot about birds, forgot about bees,
I even forgot how to say please.
Forgot about about hate, forgot about shame,
I even forgot my own name.
Forgot the last time, I was happy,
maybe I'm mean, maybe I'm snappy.
Living a life in the dark,
above my head is a question mark.
All I want is to be left alone,
I forgot the last time, I got blown.
It's not Alzheimer's, it's not amnesia,
maybe I'm still under the anesthesia.
Forgot about ***, forgot about ****,
I even forgot the day, I was born.
Forgot about peace, forgot about war,
forgot the difference between a ceiling and a floor.
Forgot about pain, forgot about suffering,
I even forgot why I was hurting.
Something happened inside my brain,
no one seems to want to explain.
Forgot about truth, forgot about lies,
I even forgot how to improvise.
Forgot what is hot, forgot what is cold,
I even forgot everything, I was ever told.
Forgot about life, forgot about love,
I even forgot all of the above.
So many things still left unsaid,
but I forgot that I'm already dead.

Four Stories
Knew a man, name was Jack,
sure did smoke lots of crack.
As his teeth began to rot,
doctors discovered a brain clot.
When he died, no one did care,
just a story, I had to share.
Knew a girl, name was Beth,
all she did, was smoke ****.
Brain fried couldn't talk,
had to crawl, couldn't walk.
On the day, that she did die,
not one person, started to cry.
Knew a boy, name was Harrison,
sure did shoot, lots of ******.
Dozing off now and again,
always missing his **** vein.
People knew he'd die soon,
veins popped just like a balloon.
Know a man, name is Reid,
all he does is smoke too much ****.
smoked bowls, joints and a ****,
banging his chest like King Kong.
he is here, as I speak,
we're getting ****** and feeling weak.

Friends

Friends stop and stare,
I wonder if they even care.
Ones you thought were friends,
end up being just trends.
Moving on to better things,
lets see what tomorrow brings.
Some friends you think are the best,
all their drama just leave you stressed.
Most friends just pass you by,
even on the show they all said goodbye.
No one likes friends that are fake,
their more slippery than a snake.
Friends may come and friends may go,
its always money that they owe.
A once best friend is now an enemy,
its usually because of some kind of jealousy.
Some friends sleep with someone you love,
shoot them twice, then carefully dispose of.
Some friends from school you never see again,
they moved away to their new domain.
Some friends will last forever,
will stand behind you on every endeavor.
Most friends you can not trust,
even knowing you think you must.
No matter how big the fight,
true friends will make it alright.
Your best friend is usually your lover,
some friends you may never discover.
A real friend will stand by your side,
not run off and pretend to hide.
I've had so many friends, I can't even a count,
it doesn't matter the number or the amount.
Friends you have today, could be a foe tomorrow,
they leave you swimming in a sea of sorrow.
I'm very thankful for my friends, now and from the past,
with each other, I've had a blast.
Even the ones that did me wrong,
one way or another, you once did belong.
I've learned something from each one,
some friendships have not yet begun.

Frozen Pond

Buried deep under a frozen pond,
lies a brunette, red head and a blonde.
The brunette lived a simple life,
her name was Mary and my first wife.
Got married young, at age nineteen,
I was a king, she was my queen.
Caught her sleeping with my brother,
so naturally, I slept with her mother.
In the winter we went ice skating,
drilled out a hole, while I was awaiting.
As she got close, I pushed her in,
if only the ***** had a fin.
Two years later met a red headed beauty,
she was a little nuts and a lot fruity.
Ginger was this psychos name,
once again my brother was to blame.
Caught them in his back seat,
he played tricks, she gave him treats.
On the frozen pond we took a walk,
smashed a hole with a giant rock.
Pushed her in till she was under,
she screamed louder than Florida thunder.
My brother the blonde, his name Jake,
loved to go to that frozen lake.
Playing hockey with his friends,
him and his fancy Mercedes Benz.
One day we were passing the puck,
a hole in the ice and he got stuck.
I said, sorry brother but you deserve,
to fall in while I stand and observe.
Now my life is complete,
girls now know better than to cheat.

Gangsta

I'm the gangsta who can rap,
give me **** and on your face I'll crap.
I'm the gangsta who is white,
you all know my rhymes are tight.
I'm the gangsta who calls the shots,
inside my head are tiny blood clots.
I'm the gangsta who will kick your ***,
show me respect, or I'll take you to class.
I'm the gangsta who does no wrong,
only the good stuff, goes into my big ****.
I'm the gangsta who needs no gun,
carrying a pen is much more fun.
I'm the gangsta loved by all,
black people call me the chosen cue ball.
I'm the gangsta who needs no posse,
hating people who are to **** bossy.
I'm the gangsta who poses no threat,
always broke and knee deep in debt.
I'm the gangsta who likes living,
never forgets, but sometimes forgiving.
I'm the gangsta who doesn't care,
walking around in my stained underwear.
I'm the gangsta who can't sing,
but if I bite, it will sting.
I'm the gangsta like no other,
if you don't believe, just ask my mother.

Gangsta

I'm the gangsta who can rap,
give me **** and on your face I'll crap.
I'm the gangsta who is white,
you all know my rhymes are tight.
I'm the gangsta who calls the shots,
inside my head are tiny blood clots.
I'm the gangsta who will kick your ***,
show me respect, or I'll take you to class.
I'm the gangsta who does no wrong,
only the good stuff, goes into my big ****.
I'm the gangsta who needs no gun,
carrying a pen is much more fun.
I'm the gangsta loved by all,
black people call me the chosen cue ball.
I'm the gangsta who needs no posse,
hating people who are to **** bossy.
I'm the gangsta who poses no threat,
always broke and knee deep in debt.
I'm the gangsta who likes living,
never forgets, but sometimes forgiving.
I'm the gangsta who doesn't care,
walking around in my stained underwear.
I'm the gangsta who can't sing,
but if I bite, it will sting.
I'm the gangsta like no other,
if you don't believe, just ask my mother.

Garbage Can
there once was a man
lived in a garbage can
could not see
could not talk
could not ***
could not walk
his ***** was sewn shut
wrapped his body like King Tut
had no eyes
had no nose
had no fingers
had no toes
lost his job in the city
**** his life was pretty ******
had no blood
had no brain
he was dead
and insane
is he zombie
is he ghost
or just a mummy
eating old toast
had a friend
name was Oscar
he was a grouch
and a boxer
they both died
in a dumpster
they choked of cheese
made of munster

Been with a *****, been with a nun,
doing it in church seemed to be more fun.
Been with a mom, been with her daughter,
not sure which one was hotter.
Been with my friends sister, been with her twin,
after that three way my face had a grin.
Been with a princess, been with a queen,
they made me a sandwich and I was in between.
Been with a ******, been with a ****,
it was live, uncensored and uncut.
Been with a diva, been with a wife,
until her husband chased me with a knife.
Now I found someone special,
my love life is on a brand new level.
Gave up all my women, for one awesome lady,
she's more wholesome than Carol Brady.
All those other girls didn't mean a thing,
my new woman even got an engagement ring.
She drives me more crazy, than the others combined,
my little black book, I left very far behind.
On the day that we get married,
at our honeymoon hotel,
through the door she'll be carried.
Once I tell her about my past,
not sure how long the marriage will last.

Gave Up

I gave up trying to care,
no one ever answered my prayer.
People always ask for advice,
then do the complete opposite,
it makes me so sick, I wanna *****.
Always getting stabbed in the back,
all the ******* is starting to stack.
People say they are your friend,
most of them just play pretend.
Drinking and drugs dull the pain,
but I only have myself to blame.
Every time I think I've turned the corner,
they put up another ******* border.
Nothing I do is ever good enough,
people are always calling my bluff.
Even when I try my best,
every blue moon, I pass the test.
Freedom is just a big fat joke,
so what if I'm ******* broke.
House is always a mess,
I could care less.
Stuck in total darkness,
my body is just a rotting carcass.
Don't care about you,
don't care about me,
just **** me, so I can finally feel free.
I live in a reckless abandon,
is there such a thing as a companion.
Life ***** then you die,
I bet nobody will even cry.
There is no god to pray to,
girls just leave my ***** blue.
I shoot ******, I smoke ****,
soon I will wish for death.
My question has no answer,
I smoke just so I can get cancer.
I'm begging on both my knees,
for someone to take my life please.
Will probably live til I'm a hundred,
chained to this worlds unholy dungeon.

Ghost

Ghost in the attic,
I can feel a certain static.
Ghost in the hall,
picture frames start to fall.
Ghost in my closet,
looking for a new deposit.
Ghost under my bed,
I hope its been fed.
Ghost in my mind,
not liking what they find.
Faucets begin to drip blood,
eyes tearing, starting to flood.
All doors begin to squeak,
so scared, I can't even speak.
Mind racing with evil thoughts,
all I can see are red spots.
Ghost inside, made me possessed,
sending a signal that's distressed.
Phone rings but no one there,
I'm a male version of Linda Blair.
Head spinning round and round,
if only I could just make a sound.
Moved into a house of hell,
my life is ******, if you couldn't tell.
I'm living to die,
but dying to live,
whatever I did,
this ghost won't forgive.
Now I'm a ghost, and the house for sale,
they didn't even wait for my last coffin nail.

Good And Bad

It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
hope you're ready,
for a whole new set of rhymes.
Met a girl, name was Sue,
she got me hard, then left my ***** blue.
Cooked me a huge steak, with a side of carrots,
took a bite and out came lots of maggots.
Getting ready for a hot date,
guess not coming, being two hours late.
Having your kids say I love you,
then telling them, the plans fell through.
Cuddling with your favorite boy or girl,
then on your face they start to hurl.
Driving and singing a cool *** song,
getting pulled over and they find your ****.
Hope to get lucky with all this flirtation,
then get naked and have premature *******.
Bottom of the ninth and winning by two,
making an error and they score a few.
Talking a shower that's nice and hot,
only to find a peeper, your friend Scott.
Writing the great American novel,
but you have to rewrite, you forgot a vowel.
Sitting, relaxing having a cold beer,
all alone, friends just slowly disappear.
Buying a new tv with high definition,
two days later you lose your vision.
Having a car that's fully loaded,
wiring recall, then it exploded.
Future being so bright,
then darkness blocks your sight.
Waking up and it's hot and sunny,
can't go out with no **** money.
Enjoying the indoors, with air condition,
ankle bracelet and still on probation.
Good and bad things will always be there,
it's all in how you mentally prepare.

Growing Old
in the twilight
of my life
growing old
with my wife
been married
fifty years
shared some laughs
shared some tears
four great kids
of our own
always asking
for a loan
now that
we are broke
our aging bodies
we need to soak
our grand kids
we highly adore
wishing we could
see them more
lived our life
to the max
paid our share
of government tax
saggy *****
saggy ****
wrinkles that
just won't quits
making out our
latest will
hoping our kids
don't try and ****
leaving everything
to the oldest
that move
is the boldest
no plans on
ever dying
even though
our kids are trying

Hairy Woman

Begging and pleading,
and wanting more,
her body is all I adore.
Hair down to her knees,
me asking pretty please.
Kissing her head to toe,
her hair will always grow.
Her body, I love to massage,
it deserves an entourage.
Lips so red and juicy,
me just a local groupie.
Eyes are a perfect blue,
I'm sticky, just like glue.
Running my fingers, through hair,
takes over an hour,
how the hell, does she even shower.
More hair than cousin It,
I wipe your *** when you ****.
Don't shave legs or arm pits,
hair even grows from her ****.
Need a **** whacker for that bush,
it's me around, you like to push.
How I love her hairy ***,
you hold the title for passing gas.
Dandruff, you have plenty of,
but yet, I'm still in love.
Prettiest face you'll ever see,
in her hair is plenty of old ***.
Big Foot is alive and white,
she's so big, she blocks the light.
It's all good, I don't care,
she's so hot, this I swear.
When I go out, she must stay home,
must brush her hair, can't use a comb.
When she leaves the house, people laugh,
her neck is the size of a giant giraffe.
The *** drives me so wild,
she's a left over 60's flower child.
Not even sure if she is human,
how I love my hairy woman.

Hang Man

Demons come from out of the shadows,
to hang us all with wooden gallows.
Our time is up, on this land called Earth,
its all we've known since our birth.
Time to pay for all our so called sins,
while we hang, they stick us with pins.
After we die, we're thrown into a giant hole,
every second, you can see another escaping soul.
Is this judgement day about to begin,
maybe ****** moved back to East Berlin.
People linked with cuffs and chains,
they burn what's left of our remains.
One by one, we're put in a noose,
not to tight, but not to loose.
While you hang and gasp for air,
they skin you like a tasty fresh pear.
The hole is consumed with fire and flames,
the devil and his silly little games.
This must be the foulest stench,
they drink our blood when they need to quench.
So much smoke it blocks out the sun,
they eat our wieners with a bun.
You can see them laugh as we all hang,
like were some part of an old wild west gang.
Our planet is still dark to this very day,
in god we trust, should be in god we betray.
This so called god, didn't even lift a thumb,
to believe in him now, you must be dumb.
Earthquakes and volcanoes, destroyed what was left,
on this Earth, we are nothing more than a visiting guest.

Happy Halloween

Trick or treats at the front door,
give them candy, but they want more.
I put poison in their candy bar,
razors in their apple will leave a scar.
Tired of hearing, the ringing of my bell,
all these **** kids can go to hell.
Putting tacks in their Milky Way,
don't they know candy causes tooth decay.
Even with the lights off, they still knock,
I hate every kid on this **** block.
I give them lint from my dryer,
their stupid costumes, I light on fire.
I put pennies in their pillow case,
some kids so ugly, don't need masks on face.
I smile at their moms, standing on the sidewalk,
all the hot ones, I can't help but gawk.
When they say trick or treat,
I make them lick my smelly feet.
Putting pins in their Baby Ruth,
no longer will they have a sweet tooth.
Putting nails in their peanut butter Twix,
I have a big bag filled with rotten tricks.
I put Anthrax in their Snickers,
on the Kit Kat i cover with chiggers.
Three Musketeers are filled with staples,
Butterfingers have splinters from wooden tables.
Naughty kids get a bag of my ****,
from the toilet, that I often sit.
Maybe next year they will learn,
or I'll give them ashes from their parents urn.
Sometimes I scare them and make them beg,
their so scared, you can see *** running down their leg.
I've even given left overs from the fridge,
all the maggots make their bodies twitch.
Next Halloween, if I'm not in jail,
I will urinate in every candy pail.

Hate/Love

Hate Pepsi, love Coke
hate crack, love to ****
Hate country, love rock
hate boring, love to shock
Hate to ****, love the ***
hate stupid, love wit
Hate football, love wrestling
hate knowing, love guessing
Hate violence, love ***
hate calling, love to text
Hate snow, love rain
hate blood, love pain
Hate cleaning, love cooking
hate darkness, love looking
Hate running, love driving
hate death, love surviving
Hate *******, love ladies
hate the nineties, love the eighties
Hate past, love now
hate to deny, love to allow
Hate the Exorcist, love Freddy
hate shaking, love steady
So many thing I hate,
like always having to wait.
So many things I love,
my life, I'm proud of.
Hate you, love me
hate to argue, love to agree
Hate alone, love company
hate happy, love grumpy
Hate standing, love to sit
hate swallowing, love to spit
Hate alcohol, love ****
hate failure, love to succeed
Hate to read, love to write
hate being nice, love to spite
Hate to stay, love to go,
hate above, love below
I think you get my point,
now go smoke a big fat joint.

Her

Her eyes so tranquil,
having her I'm thankful.
Her skin so soft,
Her Apple me Microsoft.
Her smile so big,
never do I need a wig.
Her fingers magic touch,
automatic no need to clutch.
Her naked tongue drops,
we use plenty of props.
He juice squirts plenty,
so tired and empty.
Her kisses wanting more,
how I love my little *****.
Her price very low,
she really can blow.
Her body is unmatched,
too late I'm attached.
Her is never leaving,
never meant to be deceiving.
Her cuffed to my bed,
staying til we're dead.
Her prostitution days over,
more powerful than Super Grover.
Her body I abuse,
never would I bruise.
Her ***** so tight,
never puts up a fight.
Her screams go unheard,
vision becoming blurred.
Her begs to be free,
but I lost the key.
Her tears made me cry,
asked myself why.
Her promises not to tell,
so I said what the hell.
Her off she went,
kidnapping wasn't my intent.
Her knocking at door,
begging for some more.
Her became my wife,
we now have a great life.

Hot Blonde

The ****** tension turns me on,
like a baby buck, with a new found fawn.
Feel the heat as it burns inside,
not a woman, who gets denied.
She turns heads where ever she goes,
her smile, her blue eyes, and her twinkled nose.
Hair is blonde, skin is white,
I've lost control of wrong and right.
Got to have her no matter what,
the butterflies are eating my gut,
Works at a diner, down the block,
I heard she ***** one mean ****.
Diner always packed with ***** men,
I wait my turn to see her again.
There she is, right in front of me,
all I could say was, How it be.
She laughed, thought it was funny,
never seen eyes so runny.
We went out after work,
will try not to act like a ****.
Went to a movie, after dinner,
back at my place, I became a sinner.
We did things, you couldn't imagine,
for that one night, I was the captain.
Woke up and she was gone,
he note read, We don't belong.
She died that very next day,
if you think I did it, then no way.

House Of Death

Blood drips from the wall,
phone dead, can't make a call.
All the lights suddenly go out,
from the attic, I hear a woman shout.
I run for the door, but its locked,
is this the house where all the ghosts flocked.
All the widows are covered in bars,
I moved here to cover all my scars.
I now know why the house was so cheap,
how's a man supposed to get any sleep.
All the paintings have moving eyes,
since when have dead people become spy's.
I can't believe this house is haunted,
I'm getting used to it, but its not what I wanted.
Faucets dripping red all night long,
starting to feel like I belong.
Haven't left the house in a week,
this house is filled with plenty of mystique.
Searching all rooms for some kind of a clue,
the closer I get the louder they boo.
I can hear people banging on the door,
I wish I could tell them, that I don't mean to ignore.
Slowly I start to run out of food,
starvation is putting me in a bad mood.
I grab a hammer and break down the ****** walls,
living here sure takes a lot of *****.
Dead bodies behind the sheet rock,
if only these red walls could talk.
The screams I heard in the attic,
was a recording of a ghost hunter fanatic.
Found some old clippings of the past,
all my questions have been asked.
This was the house my great grandfather built,
he killed my family and had no guilt.
I am the only left family survivor,
then I got stabbed with a rusty screwdriver.
My family name is now gone forever,
I hope he doesn't know about my daughter Heather.
Before I died, I started a fire,
put some extra lint in the gas dryer.
Now my daughter will never know,
I just wish I could watch her grow.

How I Like It
I walk all alone
it's how I like it
being all by myself
it's how I like it
don't need anyone else
it's how I like it
I have no friends
I have no family
living in the streets
begging for money
begging for food
it's how I like it
sleeping in the near-bye woods
in a tent with many holes
I hunt rabbit
I hunt squirrel
I eat bugs
I eat worms
it's how I like it
would die for a Big Mac
would die for a Whopper
can't drink unless it rains
no coat when it's cold
it's how I like it
walking miles everyday
lucky to make a dollar
no drugs to dull my pain
it's how I like it
just waiting for my death
but I'll probably live forever
weighing only eighty pounds
losing more each passing day
it's how I like it

Hypnotized

I wondered that one day,
what words I might say.
An event so catastrophic,
I became so hypnotic.
Never saw anything like this,
not something you'd wanna miss.
A phenomenon like no other,
not sure I'd ever recover.
Not something easily explained,
not a soul could be blamed.
People just stopped to stare,
something was just in the air.
These things only happen to someone else,
no words could ever try to express.
A drama turned disaster,
hair turned white as plaster.
Life flashing before the eyes,
stomach filled with butterflies.
As the world stood silently still,
you could feel a bitter chill.
No one knows how or why,
never got to say good-bye.
Everyone in a sudden awe,
felt like an episode of Monday Night Raw.
No one knows exactly what happened,
everyone felt so lost and abandoned.
People couldn't take eyes off the news,
was this real or just a ruse.
Hiding tears with sunglasses,
was billions of the masses.
Possibly the darkest day in history,
everyone had their own theory.
Sometimes you just never know,
there's an ending to every great show.
Mine ended on that fateful night,
no more words left to write.
No one ever saw it coming,
peoples hearts were rapidly pumping.
I went to sleep and never woke up,
filled with sorrow was everyone's cup.
As the world began to mourn,
one day I will be reborn.
Death feels like a hypnotic trance,
I'll return for a second chance.
As I look down from the clouds,
I watch over all the saddened crowds.
Unlike Jesus, I shall return,
still a lot of life left to learn.

I

Grab my pen and paper and write down some words,
**** the green trees and all the colorful birds.
I write about destruction and pain,
I love wind, thunder, lightning and heavy rain.
I write about ******, I write about ****,
just for fun, it's a good mental escape.
I write about love, when in the mood,
*** is better when in the ****.
I write about me as often as I can,
why not I am the greatest man.
I write about blood gushing from your chest,
it helps me relax, when feeling stressed.
I love to scare, I love to shock,
my words are better than my talk.
I write about my kids, but not enough,
I love writing while in the buff.
I write about the woman I love,
when we fight, I wanna get rid of.
I write about alcohol, drugs and pills,
after buying them, I can't afford my bills.
I write about friends, real or fake,
their all sneaky, slimy, just like a snake,
I can make you smile and giggle,
I love watching a girl wiggle.
If you like me than great,
but it's ok if me you hate.
Writing sets my mind at ease,
I beg you to buy my book please.
I alone made Facebook what it is today,
my rough life has turned my hair gray.
I love to brag, I love to boast,
I deserve a Comedy Central Roast.
One last thing before I go,
my car broke down, can someone give me a tow.

I Am

I am the the one who writes,
on your Facebook wall.
I am the reason,
for Humpty Dumpties great fall.
Most of you probably never even read,
you all dig the hole, I just plant the seed.
Without me, you know you'd all be bored,
I have a trophy case, but never won an award.
Writing is fun, oh how I love to shock,
for you who don't like,
you can **** my ****.
I can have you laughing,
rolling on the floor,
I can drink your blood,
til I want no more.
I can make you squirm,
I can make you squeal,
if ever found guilty,
I certainly will appeal.
I have no **** money,
not even a lousy dime,
but still I won't steal,
or commit any crime.
Living my life to the fullest,
dodging all oncoming bullets.
If you don't like what I write,
I don't give a ****,
there isn't a hole,
where my **** wouldn't fit.
I am the writer, who writes on your wall,
I just snorted an entire eight ball.
I am Santa, you all are my elf,
and if you don't like it,
just go **** yourself.

I Can

Here I am the man you want,
jiving, rhyming with an occasional taunt.
No one does it better,
I can even knit a sweater.
I can rock, I can roll,
I can strut, I can stroll.
I can win any event,
not a thing, I can't invent.
I can cure any disease,
I can shoot the breeze.
No one can walk in my shoes,
being me, I have nothing to lose.
I can be the most interesting man in the world,
I can make straight hair become curled.
I'm all that and a bag of chips,
you should see how I do back flips.
I can be rich, I can be poor,
I can install your front or back door.
Jack of trades, mastered them all,
I can be short, I can be tall.
My **** will never stink,
get too close, eye will turn pink.
I can rule, I can dominate,
for President, I can nominate.
I can laugh, I can cry,
but I never seem to know why.
I can do whatever I wanna do,
unfortunately, I choose not to.

I Can't
I can't write
I can't read
I can't bite
I can't feed
I can't walk
I can't crawl
I can't talk
I can't call
I can't drive
I can't ride
I can't strive
I can't abide
I can't jump
I can't skip
I can't ****
I can't dip
I can't cry
I can't laugh
I can't die
I can't gaffe
I can't look
I can't listen
I can't cook
I can't glisten
all because I lost my pride
all I am is dead inside

I Dare You
Falling down by the wayside,
another victim, that just died.
Someone else fell to pieces,
another soul, I releases.
You never have a chance,
only I will advance.
I dare you, to give me a try,
like the rest, you will quickly die.
I feel no pain, I feel no suffering,
I'm not lying, I ain't bluffing.
People come from all around,
I sniff them out, like a hound.
I dare you to cross my path,
soon you'll feel my darkened wrath.
Just try and take me down,
around the world, I am renown.
Nobody can stop me now,
you will die, but not sure how.
I dare you, to get in my way,
I'll drown your ***, in the bay.
Your blood is on your own hands,
as it spreads across the lands.
Got a reason, for why I ****,
it gives me a tasty thrill.
I dare you to try and run,
hunting you, makes it more fun.
I'm the devil, hear me roar,
law and order, I always restore.

I Eat

I eat fingers, I eat toes,
I will even eat a runny nose.
I eat arms, I eat legs,
I use blood in my scrambled eggs.
I eat eyes, I eat ears,
it goes down good with some cold beers.
I eat hair, I eat skin,
lots of good meat on a human shin.
I eat kidneys, I eat livers,
if you don't like it, cry me some rivers.
I eat guts, I eat brains,
Their already dead, so no one complains.
I eat *****, I eat *****,
it tastes better than some milk and a cookie.
I eat veins, I eat a heart,
eating an ***, always makes me ****.
I eat ****, I eat lips,
I will even eat artificial hips.
I eat moles, I eat warts,
I would even eat you stained shorts.
I eat appendix, I eat gall bladder,
on a rope or on a ladder.
I eat small and large intestines,
prison has taught me no lessons.
Some call me a ruthless cannibal,
I started as a child, when I ate then animal,
I'm like a zombie that isn't dead,
maybe its because I'm ******.

I Hate/I Love

I hate people that are wrong,
I hate people that don't belong,
I hate smoking from a ****.
I love women that are black,
I love women that are white,
I love women that are tight.
I hate gossip, I hate drama,
I hate using an inverted comma,
I hate Presidents,
that look like a black llama.
I love a cheap *****,
I love how they wear that special stamp,
I also love lamp.
I hate American Idol,
I hate Glee,
I hate a lot, don't you agree.
I love money,
I love fame,
I love my picture, in a golden frame.
I hate things that are weak,
I hate people that are too nice,
I hate saying the same thing twice,
I hate saying the same thing twice.
I love wrestling, even though it's fake,
I love the Phillies, if you wanna talk baseball,
I love that with me, you're all in awe.
I hate begging,
I hate asking,
I hate my car, when I'm crashing.
I love family,
I love friends,
I love the way this poem ends.

I Have Nothing

I have no job, I have no life,
I'm just a slob, who has no wife.
I have no brains, I have no brawn,
I have lots of pains, and soon I'll be gone.
I have no money, I have no home,
life ain't funny with no hair to comb.
I have no pride, I have no pet,
not that I haven't tried,
I live in constant regret.
I have no eyes, I have no ears,
said all my goodbyes,
I'd cry but I have no tears.
I have no food, I have no drink,
not really in the mood,
I sure could use a shrink.
I have no car, I have no truck,
walking barefoot on hot tar,
makes me say what the ****.
I have no hopes, I have no dreams,
my life is on the ropes,
if only I could hear my screams.
I have no family, I have no friends,
living is agony, death will be my cleanse.
I have no reasons, I have no rhyme,
don't know the seasons, can't even tell time.
I have no heart, I have no soul,
my life is falling apart,
according to the latest poll.
I have no ink, I have no pen,
I'm very ***** and I stink,
not sure if I'll ever shower again.
I have no ****, I have no *****,
I'm just a toothless hick,
who has to *** in closed stalls.

I Just Called To Say I Hate You

You broke my very fragile heart,
blood on the wall, looks like art.
Sometimes I hang up when I call,
I will beg for mercy, I'd even crawl.
Yes, I'm under a restraining order,
many times, I crossed that border.
I just called to say I hate you,
killing is now what I pursue.
I hate your eyes, I hate your nose,
hate your fingers, hate your toes.
You said we'd last forever,
then you slept with my friend Trevor.
We got into a great big fight,
you stormed out that very same night.
I just called to say I hate you,
sometimes plans, just fall through.
Now I'm colder than cubes of ice,
I'm on you like white on rice.
I stalked you for about a week,
neighbors thought I was a creepy freak.
Twice you had me arrested,
a trial is what I requested.
I just called to say I hate you,
you have no idea, what I plan to do.
I can't help, that I keep calling,
I'm still begging, I'm still crawling.
I just can't get you out of my mind,
I'm always just two steps behind.
Went to the store and bought a knife,
if you can't be mine,
then you'll be nobodies wife.
I just called to say I hate you,
I fed the homeless, I called it ***** stew.

I Like
I like people who are short
I like people that are tall,
I like people with a wart,
I like people with a doll.
I like people who do drugs,
I like people who work,
I like people who give hugs,
I like people who are a ****.
I like people who are nice,
I like people that are mean,
I like people who give advice,
I like girls over eighteen.
I like girls in a thong,
I like girls in a summer dress,
I like girls from Hong Kong.
I like girls that are a hot mess.
I like girls in a bikini,
I like girls that are pretty,
I like girls dressed as a genie,
I like girls who show me pity.
I like girls who are smart,
I like girls who are dumb,
I like girls, not afraid to ****,
I like girls who make me ***.
Not one thing I don't like,
I like to walk, I like to bike.
I like *** in a bed,
I like *** on the couch,
I like *** with the dead,
I like *** with Oscar the Grouch.
I like *** in the open,
I like *** in private,
I like *** with a Trojan,
I like *** in any climate.
I like everything, can't you tell,
except people who really smell.

I Love The Way
I love the way you smile,
haven't seen it in quite awhile.
I love the way you strut,
I treat you like my ****.
I love the way you yell,
you taught me how to spell.
I love the way you sing,
wedding bells, I do hear ring.
I love the way you think,
your farts sure do stink.
I love the way you laugh,
your neck is like a giraffe.
I love the way, you love me,
never have I felt so safe and free.
I love the way you walk,
too much you sometimes talk.
I love the way you push my buttons,
it's just to bad, that we're cousins.
I love the way you don't care,
our family warned us to beware.
I love the way you ride,
you helped me find my lost pride.
I love the way you rock,
my heart you did unlock.
I love the way you said good-bye,
we both knew the reasons why.
Kissing cousins should never last,
must move on and forget the past,
It was just a fifth cousin sensation,
soon it will be sweeping the nation.

I'm Everything

I'm big, I'm bad,
I'm small, I'm sad.
I'm eccentric, I'm emotional,
I'm pure, I'm promotional.
I'm all that and a bag of chips,
I'm a solar and a lunar eclipse.
I'm white, I'm wise,
I'm Allen, I'm arise.
I'm ugly, I'm unique,
I'm awesome, I'm antique.
I'm an occasional smoker,
I'm a midnight toker.
I'm calm, I'm cool,
I'm creepy, I'm cruel.
I'm ****, I'm sweet,
I'm nice, I'm neat.
I'm a man on a mission,
I'm a little fact and a little fiction.
I'm amazing, I'm art,
I'm silent, I'm smart.
I'm ******, I'm drunk,
I'm jealous, I'm junk.
I'm a man with plenty of regret,
I'm a man forever in debt.
I'm hungry, I'm *****,
I'm crazy, I'm corny.
I'm man, I'm monster,
I'm Emmy, I'm Oscar.
I'm all these things up above,
I'm also a man filled with love.

I'm Forty Three

Lines form on my forehead and neck,
lines form on my upper and lower deck.
I'm middle aged without a plan,
I'm thirty something, I'm an old man.
I'm forty three, no idea what I want,
going blind and needing bigger font.
Forty three, gotta get away,
I've been straight, I've been gay.
I've gotta get out of this place,
my parents want me out from the crawl space.
I've gotta thirty something brain
and an old geezers heart,
I blame the dog, whenever I ****.
Took forty three years to get this far,
still listen to cassettes, when in my car.
Don't always know what I'm a saying,
Uncle Sam, I keep on paying,
not gonna tell ya, what I'm a weighing.
***** swing low from the left and the right,
silly kids always ask, Mister was there always light.
Every bone in my body cracks,
rolling in sand, I leave wrinkle tracks.
I'm in the middle age of my life,
I've been a boy, girl, husband and a wife.
I'm thirty something and an old geezer,
I listed to Elvis and also Weezer.
I'm forty three and I like it,
I travel around with a Depends kit.
Yes I like it, I love it, I like it, I love it,
I'm forty three, forty three, forty three,
and all this yelling made me ****.

I'm Pregnant

Do you think you're fat like me,
looks like I'm pregnant with twins.
Gained forty pounds in two short years,
never thought I'd reach two hundred pounds.
If you don't give a **** like me,
then don't even worry about it.
If you care then try a diet,
exercise as often as possible.
I bring to you,
for a one time offer,
the I don't give a **** diet.
Jam packed with all things bad for you,
sit on your *** all day and do nothing.
That's my diet secret, no pain, all gain.
I like my big fat tummy,
it assures that my food is yummy.
I find it funny,
when fat people order a steak and three sides,
then they ask for a diet soda,
like that's gonna do anything.
People who say they love the taste,
must be lying, cause diet soda is nasty.
Oh those days when I was skinny,
dorky face and bushy blonde hair.
Not sure which one of me looked better,
but hot ****, no one makes the girls wetter.

In A World

In a world filled with danger,
everyone feels like a stranger.
In a world that's so chaotic,
everyone seems so neurotic.
People are drunk, ****** or popping pills,
they don't even care about paying bills.
In a world filled with disease,
we need something to put our minds at ease.
In a world where no one cares,
maybe I'm just splitting hairs.
Too much ******, too much ****,
is there any kind of escape.
Too many children getting molested,
not enough criminals getting arrested.
In a world filled with pain,
everyone is going madly insane.
In a world filled with suicide and depression,
all because of this extra long recession.
Too many rich, too many poor,
I've lost count of the score.
Too much violence, not enough ***,
what in the world will happen next.
In a world filled with darkness,
most of us feel so unconscious.
In a world filled with senseless shooting,
only good people, I am recruiting.
Is there anyone left pure and good,
if there isn't, well there should.
Follow me to the promise land.
together we all can make a stand.
In a world filled with peace,
poverty and crime will slowly decrease.
In a world filled with love,
together the bad things we can dispose of.

Infatuation
looking at your pretty face
leaves my head, an empty space
consumed by your smile
you laughing all the while
I'm so far, out of your league
that explains, all my intrigue
you don't even know, I exist
I rank low on the waiting list
I scream, I shout
calling your name
I'll never win
but I love the game
I would crash
into your car
serenade you
with my guitar
it still wouldn't matter
I'm too ugly
and much fatter
I'd do anything
to be with you
you'd love my
famous Allen *****
now you're married
and I cry
not long after
I did die

Inner Thoughts

When people lie,
I ask myself why,
don't make people cry,
tell the truth, don't be shy.
Everybody wants to be a hero,
always have the biggest ego,
why steal, when you can borrow,
nobody wants to be a zero.
Sometimes dreams,
seem out of reach,
listen to me, I can teach,
your dreams, never breach,
not a lecture, just a speech.
Don't you dare, give up hope,
please never shoot up dope,
or hang yourself with a rope,
let me be your personal pope.
In a world filled with violence,
we all need some special guidance,
most guns require no license,
the critics have now been silenced.
Most of us, never get 15 minutes of fame,
the world may never know your name,
friends and family is a great claim,
live your life, like the tenth frame.
Love is all you need,
red we will always bleed,
between the lines,
you must read,
no reason for any greed.
This is my conclusion,
life is filled with total confusion,
maybe we're all just an illusion,
all I ask is for is a little seclusion.

Alone I sit in the dark,
no light, no candle, not even a spark.
Wondering where the time has gone,
not even tired, can't even yawn.
Feels like I've been up for weeks,
tried all the sleeping techniques.
Took some pills and counted sheep,
but still I could not sleep.
I live the life of an insomniac,
some say I'm just a hypochondriac.
Watching television shows that are boring,
listening to my girlfriend loudly snoring.
Even tried some anesthesia,
that just left me with amnesia.
For a day I forgot my name,
when I remembered it was still the same.
Even tried getting hypnotized,
it didn't work but I improvised.
Told him a story about getting molested,
or maybe that's what he suggested.
So here I lie in my bed,
I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Had a boxer punch me in the face,
now I have a fat lip and a nose out of place.
Tried some ****** so off I could doze,
eyes wide open, but my body was froze.
At this point I'd settle for a nap,
I'm so wired I might just snap.
Had a dentist give me some laughing gas,
the nitric oxide knocked me on my ***.
Now I'm in a deep coma,
as for the dentist, he lost his diploma.

Interview With Lucifer

Name is Lucifer, come right in,
you count blessings, I count sin.
It says here, you've been a bad man,
an active member of the ku klux ****.
The number of women you ***** is one hundred six,
you help little kids play naked pick up sticks.
You put small animals into blenders,
the class you're in, has only a few members.
You've done every drug in the book,
you're a two timing, back stabbing crook.
Killed your mom, killed your dad,
says here, that it made it you glad.
Killed your sister, killed your brother,
then had *** with your dead mother.
You're more mean than Mr. Grinch,
you're even making me kinda flinch.
You make serial killers, look like angels,
for fun you shoot yourself with staples.
The people you killed is in the hundreds,
you keep the bodies in your two dungeons.
You eat flesh and drink their flood,
you deserve a movie up in Hollywood.
***** a nun and left your *****,
you're over qualified to be a demon.
You once burned an entire town,
you've been a bad, bad man Mr. Brown.
Not even the devil, will be your friend,
you will burn here in hell til the very end.

In Three

Pain, agony and defeat,
why even bother to compete.
***, love and massage,
feels like a wet mirage.
Smelly, ***** and debris,
in the shower, we always ***.
Rich, fortune and greed,
something I desperately need.
Power, ego and narcissistic,
they all equal sadistic.
Deaf, dumb and blind,
makes you fall far behind.
Silly, weird and eccentric,
could it be all genetic.
Brunette, redhead, and blonde,
too each, I'm quite fond.
******, acid and coke,
I prefer, just to smoke.
North, East and West,
South I like the best.
Snow, rain and hail,
anything worse, time to bail.
Alone, sad and depressed,
life is nothing but a test.
Hard, easy and the beginners,
us survivors are the winners.

It's Good To Be The King

While sitting on my golden throne,
dogs throw me their best bone.
Men bow down at my feet,
on my lap, women have a seat.
Kids give me their favorite toys,
I break the ones that make noise.
Rich people give me their gold,
poor people do as their told.
It's good to be the king,
everyone dances when I sing.
My queen obeys every command,
if not she gets a hard right hand.
Every servant does their job,
most people call me a snob.
My kids go the the best school,
if they are bad, I make them eat my stool.
It's good to be the king,
my castle has a hidden wing.
All my mistresses are eager to please,
off with their heads, if they don't appease.
My army has never lost a war,
if some happen to die, I just get more.
There is always talk of a revolution,
any talk of treason, is an automatic execution.
It's good to be the king,
I'm the puppeteer who pulls the string.
Every Sunday criminals get thrown to the lions,
the games begin with the sound of sirens.
Thousands come to scream and cheer,
while I drink wine, waiting for the invention of beer.
I'm getting old and about to retire,
my oldest son, all the girls desire.
My other son is a bit fruity,
I still have one last duty.
Still one battle left to win,
just one chance left to legally sin.
I strangled my family with some string,
**** it's good to be the king.
I think I'll keep my throne a few more years,
my families heads, I kept as souvenirs.

It's Just My Job

I'll stab you with scissors, I'll stab you with a fork,
all because you're a two timing ****.
I'll shoot you with a rifle, I'll shoot you with a shotgun,
you are all gonna die one by one.
I'll beat you with a bat, I'll beat you with a stick,
if it was long enough, I'd beat you with my ****.
I'd choke you with my hands, I'd choke you with my feet,
if that doesn't work, I will repeat.
I'll run you over with my car, I'll run you over with my truck,
in the threads of my tires, you're flesh will get stuck.
I'll poison your food, I'll poison your drink,
then toss you in the ocean, till you sink.
I'll bury you in the sand, I'll bury you in the dirt,
whether at the beach or in the desert.
I'll **** you cause I want to, I'll **** you cause I can,
it doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man.
I'll crush you with a rock, I'll crush you with a hammer,
all because you don't use the proper grammar.
I'll punch you in the face, I'll punch you in the *****,
if that doesn't **** you, I'll use your skin for my dolls.
I'll push you off a building, I'll push you off a cliff,
if you land face first, I hope you're not stiff.
I'll use a farmers pitchfork, I'll use a butchers cleaver,
I guess you can call me an over achiever.
Killing is my business and business is good,
I'm the ******* devil, so being better you should.

I Wanna Be A Poet

My writing is very strange,
no one has more range.
I've got my pen, in hand,
my poems are, in demand.
I use paper, it's my source,
I'm a pppppoet, of course.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
I'm the best you all must confess.
Writing on the paper,
planning my next caper.
Follow me on Twitter,
on Facebook, I'm a heavy hitter.
Writing in my notebook,
figuring my newest hook.
I feel so **** *****,
can't help but being flirty.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
writing will always be my business.
Feeling like a here,
I used to be a zero.
Six pens on my side,
in case some get dried.
Smoking my favorite cigarette,
listening to music on cassette.
Blowing rings with the smoke,
how it ***** being so broke.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
is a *** filled with green dough.
Other poets on the warpath,
because they always feel my wrath.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
my rhymes have been known to cause dizziness.
My name is Fred,
and one day, I'll be dead yo yo.
Boys Don't Cry, was a one hit wonder,
I just gave that song some poetic thunder.
I used to love that silly song,
Youtube the video, and tell me I'm wrong.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
my only goal is to simply impress.

I Want You, You Want Me

I want you
you want me
side by side
why don't we
people are same
where ever you go
some move fast
some move slow
good and bad
in everyone
been that way
since life begun
we learn to live
we learn to give
I want you
you want me
our dying love
sets us free
hold me close
hold me tight
then I know
it will be alright
we fell in love
while in the army
now we live
in perfect harmony
we both got locked
in a darkened box
now we can't stop
******* each others *****

I Watch

How I like to watch my lover,
there will never be another.
I watch her eat, I watch her sleep,
wondering if she's counting sheep.
Watching her drive is a bit scary,
I wore my seat belt except for once.
I watch her ****, I watch her ****,
that's a bit weird, I must admit.
I watch her laugh, I watch her cry,
I wipe the tears from her wet eye.
She thinks I watch to much,
but love can be such a treat.
I love to watch her smile,
each nail she will carefully file.
I watch her as she does her job,
does peeping through her window,
make me a perverted slob.
Knows I'm there, but says no word,
makes me think she kinda likes it.
I watch her read, I watch her write,
I was wrong, she was right.
She's my angel up above,
even after death, we still love.
I went to hell, for all my watching,
I'll catch her, when it's her turn to be dropping.

I Write About
I write about money,
I write about fame,
I write cause I'm funny,
I write about my shame.
I write about dreams,
I write about drugs,
I write about screams,
I write about thugs.
I write about you,
I write about me,
I write about poo,
I write about ***.
I write about blood,
I write about satin,
I write about mud,
I write about hating.
I write about ****,
I write about pain,
I write about escape,
I write about strain.
I write about ****,
I write about death,
I write about unborn,
I write about breath.
I write about devil,
I write about god,
I write about mental,
I write about fraud.
I will write about anything,
a girlfriend or a fling.
****** and molesting,
greed and possessing.
I write about anything I want,
I'm so good, I often flaunt..

Judgement Day

In the evening of the dead,
people will be losing their very head.
Judgement day will now arrive,
only the good people will survive.
Darkness has covered all the land,
this was something very well planned.
One by one, bad people will suffer,
blood rising higher than a gusher.
Non sinners get to watch the torment,
it's turning out to be quite the event.
Bodies of water are turning red,
millions of people were so misled.
The day is forever gone,
the night will never again dawn.
It soothes the pain of wasted years,
kissing away the left over bitter tears.
No one ever thought this would happen,
the Devil is now the captain.
It's just to bad he lied,
that fateful night when everyone died.
The good people and the bad,
all you morons have been had.
Demons and ghouls now rule,
the Devil can be so **** cruel.
The darkness stayed till the end of time,
they spared me, because I can rhyme.
Plus, I'm that ******* Devil,
nothing about me is on the level.
You silly fools, what did you think,
it's just my paper and my silly ink.

Just Can't Have
pretty face
can't erase
**** and smart
plenty of heart
smooth skin
very thin
got it all
not very tall
juicy lips
shaky hips
what a smile
its been awhile
****** confession
tasty concession
never had before
must see more
whipped cream
*******
just can't have
divided in halve
love her
kittens purr
got caught stalking
no more talking