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23.2k · Apr 2014
Penis
Allen Wilbert Apr 2014
*****
The last time, I got an *******,
gave the girl my ***** injection,
now I have a bad infection.
Never again did I get laid,
it's going on the second decade,
a new *****, I'd sure trade.
One ball black, one ball blue,
got no paddle for my canoe,
my Horton doesn't hear a Who.
***** swollen, like a balloon,
feeling like a rabid raccoon,
looks like a character from a cartoon.
My ***** hurts when I ***,
why did this have to happen to me,
karma is on a laughing spree.
Life will never be the same,
swollen ***** man, is my nickname,
got no fortune, but 15 minutes of fame.
Was on a reality show with other freaks,
it was called house of the rising creeps,
I got booted off after only two weeks.
15.1k · Sep 2013
Fart
Allen Wilbert Sep 2013
To expel intestinal gases through the ****.
The definition makes it sound kinda heinous.
Whether you pass wind or pass gas,
either way it comes out your ***.
Farts are loud and some silent but deadly,
you can make it sound like a medley.
Farts are cool and sometimes funny,
lookout for ones that become runny.
Some like to **** in your face,
it may cause pink eye,
and sting like mace.
Farts can smell and usually bad,
must be a duck, says your dad.
I have farts that never stink,
although some were on the brink.
Dog farts will make you take cover,
the smell lingers and starts to hover.
Woman never ****,
but watch out when they do,
it can be brutal,
once their comfortable with you.
If in certain places you must hold it in,
farting in church is considered a sin.
A good **** can make you feel good,
its part of life and fully understood.
Every **** deserves a smile or a giggle,
don't forget to give your *** a shake or a wiggle.
For ones who think farting is disgusting,
I bet your ******* needs a good dusting.
14.5k · Oct 2013
Boobs
Allen Wilbert Oct 2013
*****

I like *****, I like ****,
before you touch, you must get permits.
Nothing like a nice pair of assets,
oh how puppies make nice pets.
Bazongas are ***** that are large,
strippers and hookers, will always charge.
Nothing like the perfect *****,
but only on the perfect woman.
******* are yummy dark or white,
but first you must wait for an invite.
Some girls even have a third ******,
do not squeeze says Mr. Whipple.
I don't mind girls on the itty, bitty, ***** committee,
on a carpenters dream, I show no pity.
They could be called a bust, some call them cans,
a woman's squeeze box, all men are fans.
Chesticles is a term I have never heard,
but everyday, I learn a new word.
I like cones, I like jugs,
girls with big ones, I give hugs.
Al Bundy loved calling them *******,
at the restaurant, I wish I was one of the recruiters.
A girl with a nice set of knockers,
might find herself with unwanted stalkers.
Fergie sang about her lovely lady lumps,
a good set of melons, still give me goose bumps.
***** always come in a pair,
why do bra's, they have to wear.
Even men who smoke lots of crack,
still can appreciate a good sized rack.
I don't care if there fake or real.
in a crowded room, I always cop a feel.
Girls love showing off some cleavage,
I wish I lived in a ***** village.
Babies need breast milk to make them stronger,
if the mom is hot, they may do it longer.
In conclusion, I love *****,
with whipped cream or melting ice cubes.
10.9k · Nov 2013
Gangsta
Allen Wilbert Nov 2013
Gangsta

I'm the gangsta who can rap,
give me **** and on your face I'll crap.
I'm the gangsta who is white,
you all know my rhymes are tight.
I'm the gangsta who calls the shots,
inside my head are tiny blood clots.
I'm the gangsta who will kick your ***,
show me respect, or I'll take you to class.
I'm the gangsta who does no wrong,
only the good stuff, goes into my big ****.
I'm the gangsta who needs no gun,
carrying a pen is much more fun.
I'm the gangsta loved by all,
black people call me the chosen cue ball.
I'm the gangsta who needs no posse,
hating people who are to **** bossy.
I'm the gangsta who poses no threat,
always broke and knee deep in debt.
I'm the gangsta who likes living,
never forgets, but sometimes forgiving.
I'm the gangsta who doesn't care,
walking around in my stained underwear.
I'm the gangsta who can't sing,
but if I bite, it will sting.
I'm the gangsta like no other,
if you don't believe, just ask my mother.
10.9k · Jan 2014
Snow Mountain
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Snow Mountain

I walk alone these darkened hills,
can see my breath and getting chills.
My party left me long ago,
they didn't like my altered ego.
Snow blowing in my face,
they said they needed space.
Feet and hands becoming numb,
never have I felt so **** dumb.
Found a cave and there they were,
me freezing, them wearing fur.
Never has a fire felt so good,
not sure where they got the wood.
Then I noticed a very distinct odor,
they were burning our guide, Schroeder.
On the cave wall, I see four more dead,
eating the brains from their very head.
I yelled, What the **** are you doing,
couldn't believe what I was viewing.
They said, Shut up or you're next,
I got on my knees and paid my last respects.
Spinning the body just like a pig roast,
I'd be happy with just a bite of toast.
As I watched them eat the bodies,
if I had a camera, I'd make copies.
Days went by and I got hungry,
the human body tastes so chunky.
Finally something that didn't taste like chicken,
my body was getting stronger and beginning to thicken.
We never did get discovered,
ended up in hell, getting eaten by an evil buzzard.
10.3k · Sep 2013
Split Personality
Allen Wilbert Sep 2013
Split Personality

You wanna know what goes on in my head,
if you only knew, you would drop dead.
Anger, depression and suicidal thoughts,
maybe its all those little brain clots.
Conceited, vain and very egotistical,
confused, shocking and very mystical.
I'm eccentric, bizarre, and always unconventional,
my vision is always three dimensional.
I take the path that's less traveled,
things I do leave people baffled.
Even I don't know what I'm doing,
but trust me, I always got something brewing.
I practice in the art of deception,
I'm admired by my depth of perception.
I don't know wrong from right,
I see everything in black and white.
I'm a man you don't wanna meet,
I lie, steal and always cheat.
I'm flirty, ***** and very perverted,
if we're alone, I will leave you deserted.
I'm ****, hot and always aroused,
every girl I have slowly browsed.
I love assault, ****** and ****,
but I only write it for an escape.
Inside my head is torture and pain,
I'm certified and clinically insane.
Sometimes I take my medication,
when I don't, I'm on a permanent vacation.
I'd do anything to become famous,
even **** Donald Trump in his ****.
I've crossed over to the dark side,
to hell, I've already applied.
There is no help for me now,
before I go please give me a bow.
I'll accept a standing ovation,
sick and tired of all the aggravation.
I used to be so nice and kind,
into heaven, I got denied.
Don't pay attention to the things you read,
I entertain you til my fingers bleed.
Ask anybody, I really a great guy,
just like REO Speedwagon, its time for me to fly.
8.6k · Nov 2013
Gangsta
Allen Wilbert Nov 2013
Gangsta

I'm the gangsta who can rap,
give me **** and on your face I'll crap.
I'm the gangsta who is white,
you all know my rhymes are tight.
I'm the gangsta who calls the shots,
inside my head are tiny blood clots.
I'm the gangsta who will kick your ***,
show me respect, or I'll take you to class.
I'm the gangsta who does no wrong,
only the good stuff, goes into my big ****.
I'm the gangsta who needs no gun,
carrying a pen is much more fun.
I'm the gangsta loved by all,
black people call me the chosen cue ball.
I'm the gangsta who needs no posse,
hating people who are to **** bossy.
I'm the gangsta who poses no threat,
always broke and knee deep in debt.
I'm the gangsta who likes living,
never forgets, but sometimes forgiving.
I'm the gangsta who doesn't care,
walking around in my stained underwear.
I'm the gangsta who can't sing,
but if I bite, it will sting.
I'm the gangsta like no other,
if you don't believe, just ask my mother.
7.1k · Sep 2013
Reunited
Allen Wilbert Sep 2013
Reunited

Walking down a path, where no man should ever go,
its dark, cold, damp and I'm moving very slow.
Feeling the walls that are covered in slime,
too many things happening at the same time.
So much hidden deep down in my soul,
not sure if I can escape this black hole.
Things I've done can never be told,
Sometimes life gets put on hold.
If only these things, I could mention,
it would relieve so much tension.
So many things, I just can't say,
if I did I'd be put so far away.
I've reached the point of no return,
next one who gets in my way, I'm gonna burn.
Getting more angry by the minute,
bought some guns in case I have to shoot.
This giant duffle bag is getting quite heavy,
I wish I still had my 57 Chevy.
Back then life was great,
Wife, kids, house, fence with a gate.
Then one stormy night, a car went off the road,
since that night my brain started to overload.
Fell into a deep depression,
lost my job, thanks to the recession.
Lost my house, lost my car,
all my dreams are now to far.
Walked into the place, I used to work,
hated my boss, he was such a ****.
Grabbed my guns and started to shoot,
all the blood was staring to pollute.
Shot as many as I possibly could,
don't know why, just thought I should.
Losing everything drove me insane,
I'm not making excuses for my brain.
Not long after there were hundreds of police,
there was no offering of a sign of peace.
They barged in and I resisted arrest,
I was shot several times in the chest.
I wanted to die, but always in style,
all I could see was my families smile.
Now we're back all reunited,
I have never been more delighted.
No one I shot that day ended up dying,
just some blood and a lot of crying.
6.5k · Jan 2014
Superhero
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Superhero

I have a pipe and dark sunglasses,
taking names and kicking some *****.
I'm a powerless superhero,
they call me Captain De Niro.
Owe me money, you better pay,
or pain will be on your way.
You better not be selling drugs,
or my lead pipe will give severe hugs.
Don't be ****** any innocent women,
will be breaking your hands and fingers, all ten.
Molesting kids and you don't wanna know,
the dumpster, your ***** I will throw.
I don't allow any peeping or stalking,
with broken legs, there will be no walking.
I'm one of those modern day vigilantes,
on my head, I wear my wife's *******.
Can't leap a building in a single bound,
like you, I get dizzy when spun around.
Can't go under water and summon fish,
I prefer them on my eating dish.
No fancy car or a sidekick,
but my pipe can break a brick.
Don't have an invisible jet,
like you, I'm in deep debt.
People have no idea who I am,
I might be Steve, I might be Sam.
Just a man who hates violence,
I hate people that are spineless.
I catch bank robbers in the act,
the odd against them are fully stacked.
I help keep crime off the streets,
can't count the number of villain defeats.
5.2k · Sep 2013
ABC
Allen Wilbert Sep 2013
ABC
ABC

Aroused body,
coquettish dancing.
****** fondling,
groping hugging.
Intense jealousy,
***** loving.
Massage naked,
oral pleasure.
Quiet romance,
swingers teasing.
Unholy ******,
wet Xanadu,
voyeurs zooming.
4.5k · Jan 2014
Drug Addict
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Drug Addict

I drink beer, I drink liquor,
doing shots makes it quicker.
I smoke a bowl, I smoke a joint,
is there a problem, get to the point.
I take acid, I like trip,
I love the trail of a moving whip.
I like ****** sugar, I snort coke,
no wonder, I'm so **** broke.
I pop pills for stress, some for pain,
you'll never hear me complain.
I shoot ******, then I dose off,
my life is just a total loss.
I make and smoke ****,
hoping it takes my last breath.
Special K is my favorite tranquilizer,
I use it as a drug appetizer.
I smoke crack, don't ask why,
don't knock it, til you try.
Ecstasy makes me feel so good,
it always puts me in a special mood.
I sniff gas, I sniff glue,
then I ask, who are you.
Sometimes I smoke hash,
I live a life of white trash.
Morphine can't be beat,
my brain has suffered a defeat.
I even take ****** and steroids,
***** big, ***** small and I'm paranoid.
Been to counselling, been to rehab,
last time I went, I ended up with *****.
Now finally, I'm clean and sober,
been that way since mid October.
I admit drugs are more fun,
but in the end, God finally won.
4.3k · Dec 2013
Smelly Red Neck
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Smelly Red Neck

I knew a man who was a smelly red neck,
this poor fellow was always having a wreck.
Two whole teeth and can barely read,
drinks his ***** and smokes his ****.
Blind in one eye, can't see out the other,
his sister is also his mother.
It's a family filled with ******,
born and raised in the southern mid-west.
Twelve toes and eight fingers,
grandma ***** by a gang of *******.
He was mostly white, with a ******* *****,
Daisy Duke calls him Enos.
Hair is red, ***** are blue,
when it comes to words, he knows a few.
Can't drive a car, can't ride a bike,
strongly believes in the Third *****.
Dumber than an old door ****,
never had a ******* job.
The laughing stock of the town,
underwear is always sticky brown.
Has one ear and three *******,
even gets picked on by the cripples.
Ten feet tall, with an IQ of twenty,
gets hard when he sees a penny.
Family was killed in a tractor accident,
there he sat naked in an over-sized cabinet.
Being molested by every perverted predator,
started to crack from all the pressure.
Grabs a gun and goes out shooting,
it's the devils work and he was recruiting.
Police came and shot him dead,
saying **** he had a ******* head.
3.8k · Jan 2014
Pervert
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Pervert

I'm a womanizer and a pervert,
love to mingle, love to flirt.
Like Fonzi, all chicks flock,
they like the size of my clock.
Ever since I was born,
loved naked women and ****.
Nothing like playing with my favorite toy,
with the newest edition of *******.
Sorry I have a ***** little mind,
all men do, women don't be blind.
Lots of women have tried to convert me,
but a fun loving pervert, I will always be.
Been with a ****, been with a *****,
only difference is, the **** wants more.
Been with singers, actresses and models,
done it underwater, with a snorkel and goggles.
Been with a doctor, lawyer and a crook,
each time, I somehow got took.
I'm a pervert it a good way,
just some innocent ****** foreplay.
If you ever see me, I'm not threat,
they haven't invented x-ray glasses yet.
I now have a woman I really love,
all other women, I got rid of,
Gave my black book to a kid named Bieber,
now he's in jail and feeling very eager.
3.8k · Oct 2013
Annoying
Allen Wilbert Oct 2013
Annoying

At night I hear neighbors dogs barking,
under my wheels, their dogs I'm parking.
In the night, I hear things that go bump,
I load up the shotgun, and give it a pump.
Jehovah witnesses knocking at the front door,
how I wish, I could bury them under my floor.
The car in front of me driving to slow,
my horn I give a constant blow.
The person in front of me at the store, taking to long,
some people on this Earth just don't belong.
Can't seem to get an *******,
even my hand got a rejection.
Roller coaster breaks down, right before my turn,
I've now reached the point of no return.
So many things make me annoyed,
maybe I need to visit Sigmund Freud.
Dinner not quite ready on time,
running out of things to rhyme.
No electric for more than an hour,
a woman that requires to much flour.
Watching movies I don't like,
My job is now going on strike.
Wiping my *** more than once,
wearing a hat that spells dunce.
Wife of ten years asked for a divorce,
things in life not taking the right course.
**** sites that make me pay,
my hair that is turning grey.
My beautiful children that never call,
girls that think my ***** is to small.
People that think their better than me,
having to pay for things that are free.
Things that annoy me is such a huge list,
just thinking about it is getting me ******.
3.7k · Oct 2013
Don't Worry, Be Happy
Allen Wilbert Oct 2013
Don't Worry, Be Happy

In life you rarely catch a break,
was being born just a mistake.
Things may happen beyond our control,
those are the days when you pack a bowl.
If you find yourself in any kind of trouble,
a real friend would be there on the double.
If you find life ain't worth living,
waiting for you is a new beginning.
Not every day can be perfect,
maybe your thoughts, you need to collect.
Some days you wake up on the wrong side of the bed,
just be glad you didn't wake up dead.
No matter how much your in pain,
hide your tears by crying in the rain.
There will be days when you're depressed,
you may even feel like you're possessed.
Every dark tunnel has a hidden light,
you have to search hard, cause it isn't always bright.
Then out of nowhere things fall into place,
on those days, you must carefully embrace.
No matter how bad it seems, someone has it worse,
life is something you can't rehearse.
Find something that will make you smile,
if you still have an old phone, give me a dial.
No matter what always think positive,
dress up nice and be very provocative.
I wish there was a happy pill,
they already have one that makes you chill.
I think of my kids when I feel sad,
that makes me one happy dad.
Cuddling with my girlfriend makes me happy,
she accepts me even though I'm a bit wacky.
Always look on the bright side of life,
love can be spread with a butter knife.
I've been down, I've been out,
my heart has poured red like a spout.
So on those days when you're feeling blue,
just don't forget it goes the other way too.
3.5k · May 2014
Domination
Allen Wilbert May 2014
*******

My ******* was thought through,
dominate me, dominate you.
Can't stop, what you can't see,
open mouth and drink my ***.
Beat you to a ****** pulp,
as I drink it, my throat goes gulp.
I'll stomp a mud hole, til it's dry,
it's fun to do when you're high.
This world, I will destroy,
no longer am I a whipping boy.
I **** your father and your mother,
even your sister and your brother.
**** your uncle and your aunt,
killed every tree, killed every plant.
Killed your niece and your nephew,
just part of the ******* schedule.
Killed your cousins and next of kin,
call me evil, but I love sin.
No more sun rising in the east,
666, I'm the number of the beast.
No more sun setting in the west,
just doing the devil's request.
3.1k · Dec 2013
Smelly Foot
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Smelly Feet

In the sun, feel the heat,
and the odor of my smelly feet.
All people squeezing their nose,
from the cheese between my toes.
Shoes melted on the road,
smell spreading to the next zip code.
Even I'm wearing a gas mask,
sipping whiskey from my flask.
Feet burning as I start to run,
stick a fork in them, they're done.
Still a mile left to go,
I can see my feet as they glow.
Leaving melting skin far behind,
left sunglasses home and going blind.
Hot tar starting to melt,
I'd do anything for a conveyor belt.
Soaking feet when I get home,
Pretty soon, I will see bone.
My house is just down the block,
vultures circling as they stalk.
Getting worse is the odor,
laughing at me is the Caddyshack gopher.
The Rock wants to know what I'm cooking,
it's my feet, that is brewing.
The smell is spreading worldwide,
my feet are now Kentucky fried.
People cheer as I reach my door,
**** my feet are very sore.
Sprayed my feet with tough acting Tinactin,
burned so bad it melted the rest of my skin.
Soaked my bones in cold water,
never have I felt a road more hotter.
Sprayed Fabreze for about an hour,
then I took a long cold shower.
Moonshine and pain pills dull my pain,
it was my own fault so can't complain.
Now I wear special shoes,
my smelly ***** feet even made the news.
3.1k · Jan 2014
Opposites
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Opposites

I say love, You say hate,
I say curve. you say straight.
I say yes, you say no,
I say stay, you say go.
We agree to disagree,
to my heart, you hold the key.
We both beg to differ,
seeing you makes it stiffer.
I say pizza, you say salad,
I say rock, you say ballad.
I say front, you say back,
I say tic, you say tac.
I say you, you say me,
I say pay, you say free.
Sometimes opposites do attract,
all depending on the chemistry contact.
Nothing will ever tear us apart,
we have a title for the last ****.
I say please, you say beg,
I say breast, you say leg.
I say ***, you say ****,
I say three-way, you say group.
Took forever to find each other,
almost gave up on the love buzzer.
Our love is so very strong,
we both have the favorite song.
I say food, you say drink,
I say Halestorm, you say Pink.
I say metal, you say alternative,
I say positive, you say negative.
I say blue, you say red,
I say single, you say wed.
Nobody said love was easy,
it can make you sick and queasy.
We love each other no matter what,
butterflies fill up our empty gut.
I say naked, you say clothes,
I say fate, you say chose.
I say car, you say truck,
I say ***, you say ****.
Love comes in mysterious ways,
this is real, not a phase.
Our love is happily ever after,
the key is a nice ***** and some laughter.
2.9k · Sep 2013
The Rhyming Shuffle
Allen Wilbert Sep 2013
The Rhyming Shuffle

Feeling all alone,
life is on postpone.
No one seems to care,
time is now to beware.
Stick me with a fork,
in my *** is a scented cork.
Farts smelling like a rose,
watching bodies decompose.
Climbing up Jacob's ladder,
peeing a lot cause of my bladder.
Calling me an Uncle Tom,
shaving my hairy palm.
Addicted to Candy Crush,
brain turning into mush.
Tired of always snapping,
I deserve some ***** slapping.
Grass is always greener,
with the little old lady from Pasadena.
On board the love boat,
left me with a sore throat.
Saving money is impossible,
spending is just unstoppable.
Writing rhymes is all I know,
all my ducts are in a row.
Going fishing without a pole,
one to many hits from my bowl.
Dying of old age,
took my final bow,
on the center stage.
2.6k · Sep 2013
A Bizarre Czar
Allen Wilbert Sep 2013
A Bizarre Czar

You can call me the Grinch,
stealing Christmas was such a cinch.
Went to Whoville, and stole the toys,
crying was all the little girls and boys.
You can call me Ebenezer Scrooge,
my bank account and ***** is very huge.
Bah humbug to all you poor people,
if you only could see the size of my steeple.
I am mean, I am vicious,
unlike you I'm very ambitious.
I'll take your home, I'll take your car,
make your payments or I'll leave a scar.
Some call me the new ******,
but I'm stronger and much bigger.
I love to see chaos and destruction,
pretty soon, I wont need an introduction.
I'm a genius, who is insane,
I cause suffering, I cause pain.
All of you, are so far beneath,
too rule the world is my belief.
I rule the north, I rule the south,
don't you dare open your mouth.
I rule the west, I rule the east,
I used to be a catholic priest.
Before I take over this pathetic world,
a thousand pounds I once curled.
Don't you dare give me a reason,
especially during the baseball season.
Before I take everyone as my prisoner,
I need your consent with a signature.
Be prepared to be my slave,
I have become the latest rave.
People follow just like fools,
I take their money and their jewels.
I'm the leader of a new cult,
death to you all will be the result.
2.5k · Nov 2013
Frozen Pond
Allen Wilbert Nov 2013
Frozen Pond

Buried deep under a frozen pond,
lies a brunette, red head and a blonde.
The brunette lived a simple life,
her name was Mary and my first wife.
Got married young, at age nineteen,
I was a king, she was my queen.
Caught her sleeping with my brother,
so naturally, I slept with her mother.
In the winter we went ice skating,
drilled out a hole, while I was awaiting.
As she got close, I pushed her in,
if only the ***** had a fin.
Two years later met a red headed beauty,
she was a little nuts and a lot fruity.
Ginger was this psychos name,
once again my brother was to blame.
Caught them in his back seat,
he played tricks, she gave him treats.
On the frozen pond we took a walk,
smashed a hole with a giant rock.
Pushed her in till she was under,
she screamed louder than Florida thunder.
My brother the blonde, his name Jake,
loved to go to that frozen lake.
Playing hockey with his friends,
him and his fancy Mercedes Benz.
One day we were passing the puck,
a hole in the ice and he got stuck.
I said, sorry brother but you deserve,
to fall in while I stand and observe.
Now my life is complete,
girls now know better than to cheat.
2.5k · Jan 2014
Party At The Old Age Home
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Party At The Old Age Home

Hello today and how are you,
feeling better, now that we're through.
Things are starting to improve,
feeling that single life groove.
A new girl every single week,
you'd think I was in my ****** peak.
Would you believe, I'm eighty two,
****** is the thing I do.
I get blow jobs with just gum,
these old ladies **** it like a Tum.
I just pop a pill and off I go,
an ******* old folks home show.
Having ****** in my room,
even the nurses jump on my tomb.
Not sure how long my heart will last,
who cares every night I have a blast.
My ***** hang down to my knees,
these old women keep begging please.
Before ***, I remove the cobwebs,
I've partied in each of their beds.
They say my heart attack was inevitable,
my golden years were so incredible.
My casket was covered in ******* and flowers,
it was nice being that hard for many hours.
Glad me and the wife had that fight,
I became a ******, out of spite.
Saggy **** had me beguiled,
it was like old *******.
2.4k · Mar 2014
Pills
Allen Wilbert Mar 2014
There lived a man in Shady Hills,
sits home all day, popping pills.
Morning, noon and night,
not any real food in sight.
Drinks water from the tap,
too wired to take a nap.
Percocets all **** day,
Vicodin is the only way.
Xanax in the night time,
****** he buys for a dime.
Oxycontin, he keeps hidden,
his hiding spot is forbidden.
Takes Abilify for his mood swings,
taking Amphetamines gives him wings.
More skinny than a rail,
in life he sure did fail.
Ecstasy, he keeps under lock and key,
he doesn't give away any pills for free.
At thirty he ended up with cirrhosis of the liver,
he didn't care about his new founded quiver.
Popped pills til his death,
at least he never smoked ****.
Died at the age of thirty two,
in his stomach was pill stew.
Just another sad lost soul,
popping pills will someday take a toll.
2.4k · Dec 2013
Wrongfully Accused
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Wrongfully Accused

Everybody wants to know,
what happened so long ago.
It was a day just like this,
been awhile since I had to reminisce.
Got in my car and went to work,
back then, I was such a ****.
Me and my wife had a huge fight,
it went on, all the past night.
Long before cell phones and beepers,
never even knew, she had some peepers.
Came home from a long day, with roses,
the house was destroyed by explosives.
Neighbors said they heard arguing,
all last night, till the morning.
No one saw any strange people,
after I left, everything seemed so peaceful.
I was questioned, then taken away,
put in prison, for quite a long stay.
Begged the judge for some mercy,
they found me guilty in a hurry.
Spent five long years in prison hell,
each night I was violated in my cell.
Then one day other houses started to explode,
all wives went on a lock down mode.
The evidence was so overwhelming,
meanwhile my ******* was swelling.
After six long years, I was finally released,
couldn't wait to get a real super feast.
Then I went on a man hunt,
this guys *****, I'm gonna punt.
Then there he was a peeping tom,
carrying what looks to be some kind of bomb.
Thought about calling the police,
but I figured, I could handle this ugly man who was bald and obese.
This guy never saw me coming,
his **** crack, made me think he was plumbing.
I grabbed the fat ****, with gun in mouth,
it was him, I had no doubt.
I saw him before stalking my neighborhood,
what I'm gonna do to him will not be good.
Shot the ******* in the face,
his memory got a quick erase.
Brains splattered all over the ground,
his body was never found.
Stuck his fat *** in my trunk,
went to the bar and got super drunk.
Put him in the nearest lake,
still I had a major heartache.
I will say this, I never have pooped like this before,
but now my nightmares haunt me even more.
2.4k · Mar 2014
Love Affair
Allen Wilbert Mar 2014
Love Affair

When love fails,
and lover bails.
***** is gone,
just move on.
Plenty of fish in the sea,
doesn't require a college degree.
Date her sister,
date her friend,
this is what I recommend.
She lied and she cheated,
on your phone, number got deleted.
Let her love your dad and brother,
just sleep with her slutty mother.
Now she stalks your every move,
this is something, you don't approve.
The restraining order has no affect,
your thoughts, you must now collect.
For some reason, you get back together,
missing all that lace, handcuffs and leather.
Things are now better than ever,
a new chapter, you two enter.
You have made this a family affair,
you let them watch, they love to stare.
A little gross, but oh well,
just another way, to end up in hell.
2.3k · Jan 2014
A To Z
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
A To Z

Awesome view,
beauty with eyes of blue.
Captivating her attention,
delusions of my intentions.
Ecstasy makes me so numb,
fingers gonna make her ***.
Ginger is her name,
heart is now a flame.
Illuminating light,
jeans so skin tight.
Kite is beginning to fly,
lights up a darkened sky.
Mom would be so proud,
noise in here way to loud.
Offered her to see my place,
punched me right in the face.
Quickly jumped to my feet,
right hook, not a good way to meet.
Soaked my face with an ice pack,
that was one hell of a whack.
Undeserving rejection,
vengeance is in my direction.
Waiting for her next response,
Xanax gave me a renaissance.
You just wanted a relaxing pill,
zealous, so she could chill
2.2k · Feb 2014
Love At First Sight
Allen Wilbert Feb 2014
Love At First Sight

It was love at first sight,
darkness has become light.
Eyes glanced across the room,
my heart started to go boom.
Walked over and bought her a drink,
neither one of us could even blink.
We talked til the bar closed,
our feeling were evenly exposed.
We dated a week or two,
the we made love,
the whole night through.
The friction between us caused sparks,
we did it in cars, we did it in parks.
One magical night on the beach,
we were stuck together like a leech.
She moved in shortly after,
so much love, so much laughter.
Got on my knee and proposed,
she said yes, as I supposed.
After a year we got hitched,
her touch always makes me twitch.
We decided to start a family,
always exploring each others anatomy.
Finally our first child was born,
handed out cigars and tooted my horn.
We live a wonderful life,
I have the greatest wife
2.1k · Oct 2013
Loony Tunes
Allen Wilbert Oct 2013
Loony Tunes

Bugs Bunny is my favorite rabbit,
watching him became my habit.
He was smart, funny and two steps ahead,
his popularity was very widespread.
His best friend was Daffy Duck,
he never did have the same luck.
Rabbit season, duck season,
rabbit season, duck season,
watching them, I needed no reason.
Speedy Gonzales was so very quick,
this fast mouse was also a *****.
Owned his own pizza place,
won a gold metal, at the local rat race.
Yosemite Sam was a short tempered man,
killing Bugs and Daffy was always his plan.
He's a liar, a cheat and a sore loser,
maybe he should have been a drug user.
Tasmanian Devil was a tornado of destruction,
he never needed any kind of introduction.
Foghorn Leghorn never saw a negative situation,
I say, I say boy was his favorite quotation.
Pepe Le Pew was a French skunk,
women loved his smelly *****.
Marvin The Martian was from Mars,
his laser gun would leave you with scars.
Tweety was an antagonizing canary,
lived with Granny, and flew like a crafty fairy.
Sylvester was Granny's pet cat,
him and Tweety always went *** for tat.
Road Runner was so very fast,
said beep beep as Wile E Coyote he passed.
Never fell for those Acme supplies,
getting blown up was his ultimate demise.
Porky Pig was just happy to be included,
the, the that's all folks, is how this will be concluded.
2.1k · Nov 2013
Mr. Poet Guy
Allen Wilbert Nov 2013
Mr. Poet Guy

There was a time, not so long ago,
lived a man you all very well know.
Walking down the street one afternoon,
it was a bright sunny day in June.
Came across a man so mean,
what happened next was quite the scene.
Pulled out a gun and shot me dead,
one single bullet into my very head.
That's the day the poet died,
all over the world people cried.
Singing bye-bye Mr. Poet Guy,
paramedics tried, but with tears in eye.
As the police drew their white chalk line,
my soul escaped, you can see the incline.
The paramedics tried with all their might,
I was so dead, couldn't put up a fight.
Singing bye-bye Mr. Poet Guy,
paramedics tried, but with tears in eye.
They drove me hearse to the levy,
blood drained out and body was dry,
singing this will be the day that he die.
Thousands of people came from every state,
please don't mourn, just celebrate.
They never did find the man in question,
millions of people, now in depression.
Maybe he works for the C.I.A,
if he's caught, what would he say.
Listen Judge, does it really matter,
he deserved that brain splatter.
Singing bye-bye Mr. Poet Guy,
paramedics tried, but with tears in eye,
singing this will be the day that he die.
2.1k · Oct 2013
Music
Allen Wilbert Oct 2013
Music

Running out of time, nothing left to rhyme,
no longer in my prime, listening to Sublime.
Used to smoke ****, slaves I have freed,
red I still bleed, listening to Creed.
I'm all that, I have kicked my cat,
my girl is a brat, listening to Ratt.
Invented a love potion, makes girls frozen,
many things I've broken, listening to Poison.
Buried in the sand, not what I planned,
I need a helping hand, listening to The Steve Miller Band.
Too many cell phones, can never get any loans,
love the show Bones, listening to The Rolling Stones.
Confessing all my sins, playing some violins,
dizzy from the spins, listening to The Thompson Twins.
Standing in the cold, my life is uncontrolled,
just got paroled, listening to Avenged Sevenfold.
Sprayed with mace, kicked in the face,
stuck in this rat race, listening to Three Days Grace.
Working the graveyard shift, lots of sand I must sift,
my life needs a lift, listening to Taylor Swift.
Living in Illinois, tired of hearing noise,
losing all my poise, listening to The Beach Boys.
No hands on the clock, it's me people mock,
dryer stole another sock, listening to Kid Rock.
Music has made me what I am,
loving the hairbands and the glam.
Hard rock is all I know,
how could you not like Ugly Kid Joe.
Heavy metal is where it's at,
all the older bands are bald and fat.
Top forty isn't half bad,
every year it's a different fad.
Disco and grunge had a short stay,
Nirvana and Pearl Jam, get too much air play.
Hip hop and rap has been around to long,
can they even sing a real song.
Nothing will ever beat the eighties,
spandex, hair and all the ***** ladies.
My two favorite songs are Sister Christian,
and Here I go Again,
those songs remind me of way back when.
Country, well that will always ****,
rednecks, Nascar, hunting and a giant truck.
2.1k · Mar 2014
Evil Lurking
Allen Wilbert Mar 2014
Evil Lurking

Evil lurking in the streets,
evil lurking in the sheets.
Evil lurking in the car,
evil lurking in the bar.
Evil lurking in the church,
evil lurking where you search.
Evil lurking in the brain,
evil lurking in *******.
Evil lurking everywhere,
evil lurking, this I swear.
Too afraid to go out,
evil lurking, I have no doubt.
Paranoid to the max,
refuse to pay any tax.
Evil lurking in the jail,
evil lurking in the mail.
Evil lurking in the schools,
evil lurking in the fools.
Evil lurking in the movie theater,
evil lurking in every creature.
Evil lurking at the malls,
evil lurking in the walls.
In my head, I keep searching,
but all I find is evil lurking.
2.1k · Dec 2013
The Stripper
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
The Stripper

When time is of the essence,
I await your overdue presence.
When you're not here, I'm so alone,
*****, how could you lose your phone.
I hate not knowing where you are,
tonight I'm gonna make your ***** purr.
You borrow my car and I get scared,
I've already had it twice repaired.
Your beauty is unmatched,
no other couple is more attached.
When you moved in, I was nervous,
to any kind of pain, we are impervious.
All massages have a happy ending,
on Twitter, our love is now trending.
You love to cook, I love to clean,
I'm always nice, you're always mean.
You were a stripper when we first met,
I was very rich and you were in debt.
I bailed you out from your jam,
now I'm in trouble with Uncle Sam.
We are broke, but we have each other,
soon we'll be out from this cloud cover.
Maybe it's time to go back stripping,
even though my eyes will be dripping.
For a second job, I'll sell drugs,
I know plenty of **** and thugs.
Now our life is back on track,
we will always have each others back.
Now you got a new phone and a car,
then you ran off with an upcoming rock star.
That's the story of my life,
so I stabbed that ***** with my knife.
2.0k · Jan 2014
Real Love
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Real Love

Love can be so very strange,
life you must now rearrange.
Butterflies in the tummy,
clam chowder is so yummy.
Naked massages, magic touch,
finger tips, I love so much.
When not home, I get lonely,
nothing about us, is a phony.
You're my very best friend,
I text you and hit send.
We fight more than we should,
I'd fix that if only I could.
Laying naked in the bed,
cuddling with you, no more said.
We were two halves, that became one,
my hot dog fits perfectly in your bun.
We never kiss and tell,
******* make us yell.
What's mine is also yours,
even my brand new fishing lures,
What's yours is also mine,
I don't quite fit in your Calvin Klein.
We share and share alike,
together we face problems,
that are headed down the pike.
Nothing can tear us apart,
I rode in a bus, and you in a **** cart.
On the day that we wed,
that night we will have a wet bed.
We will live happily ever after,
Lots of trust and a little laughter,
So if you ask me what is real love,
I don't know, but something not to get rid of.
2.0k · Dec 2013
The Man
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
The Man

There once was a man from Nantucket,
kept all his cash in his lucky bucket.
Has a daughter Fran, who is gay,
ran off with a girl named May.
He followed them to Pawtucket,
the two girls with his lucky bucket.
She said to the man,
thanks for your daughter Fran.
The two girls followed the man to Manhasset,
where he still has his bucket as an asset.
Then May and her lover Fran,
stoke the bucket and off they ran.
The man was in a state of shock,
luckily for him he had a very long ****.
No more bucket, no more money,
he walked home with his eyes runny.
Now he has a new career,
he became a Walmart cashier.
Now he is the man from Nantucket,
with a **** so long, he could **** it.
He would always have a grin,
as he cleaned the *** from his chin.
If only his ear was a ****,
even he admits, it's one hell of a stunt.
His ear, badly he wants to **** it,
and save all the *** in his new lucky bucket.
1.9k · Feb 2014
Opposites
Allen Wilbert Feb 2014
Opposites

happy, mad
joy, sad
in, out
silent, shout
sunny, rain
pleasure, pain
big, small
Spring, Fall
rich, broke
serious, joke
win, lose
sober, *****
red, blue
false, true
pencil, pen
Barbie, Ken
up, down
smile, frown
Every word has an opposite,
I deserve a national monument.
walk, run
knife, gun
sneaker, shoe
me, you
****, ****
hit, miss
night, day
straight, gay
woman, man
bottle, can
No one is better than me,
that's the way it will always be.
1.8k · Dec 2013
Rhyme Mechanic
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Rhyme Mechanic

When talking to me, wear a hard hat,
or on your face, you'll fall flat.
I'm the ****, and I'm where it's at.
People get down on your knees,
or I'll chop you down, like dead trees,
I never promise or make guarantees.
I take the roads less traveled,
never confused and rarely baffled,
in my web, you all get tangled.
None of you can compete,
I like girls that are petite,
never will I take a back seat.
It's me that people always follow,
the girls I meet always swallow,
so what if I'm very shallow.
I'm all that and a bag of chips,
my head's so big, everyday is an eclipse,
no one has a bigger bag of tricks.
I have an ego to the highest power,
I bloom more than any kind of flower,
don't mess with me, or I'll devour.
No other person is close to me,
I sting worse than a bumble bee,
to all the secrets, I hold the key.
Not my fault my head is big,
mess with me and I'll stuff you like a pig,
I shoot loads like an oil rig.
I'll break your heart and rip out your soul,
you can't touch me with a ten foot pole,
my life is always in cruise control.
This is me when I'm feeling manic,
no need to worry, no need to panic,
just call me the rhyme mechanic.
1.8k · Mar 2014
Ways To Kill Yourself
Allen Wilbert Mar 2014
Ways To **** Yourself

Blow out your brains with a gun,
slit your wrist, slit your throat.
Play chicken with a moving train,
jump in front a moving bus.
Go in the ocean, filled with sharks,
while in the tub, throw in a toaster.
Overdose on alcohol, drugs or pills,
leap off a real tall building.
Hang yourself with a strong rope,
choke on a big piece of meat.
Run in the hood, yelling the n word,
jump from a plane, high in the sky.
Drown in a swimming pool,
poison your food or drink.
Cover your head with a pillow,
stab yourself in the heart.
Jump on top of a hand grenade,
walk naked through the jungle.
Warning, do not try these tricks ever,
side effects include a painful death.
Reality, never a reason to **** yourself,
don't be foolish, dumb or stupid.
1.7k · Jan 2014
Ax To Grind
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Ax To Grind

Blood dripping from the eye,
looks like Jesus starting to cry.
I stabbed you with a screwdriver,
blood gushing like a geyser.
Cut off your ears with some scissors,
blood flowing just like rivers.
Took a hacksaw to your nose,
felt so good, used it on tour toes.
I cut off your fingers with garden shears,
they were twenty bucks at the local Sears.
Chopped of your head with my ax,
I'm from the IRS, and you paid no tax,
We don't care if you have no money,
continue not paying and people become ******.
Burning crosses in your front yard,
I'm a white boy and kind of a ******.
When you run out of your house,
your home gets a gasoline douse.
In white robes we walk the street,
we sure hate the dark meat.
We're grinding the ole ax,
we're KKK and hunting blacks.
The problem is they fight back,
so we just give them some killer crack.
Blood dripping from the heart,
dragged the carcass to the local mart.
Hunting animals is what I do,
then I cook them in my famous stew.
Whether a shotgun or bow and arrow,
could be a bear or a helpless sparrow.
Sometimes a dog, sometimes a cat,
maybe a mouse, maybe a cat.
I'm a hunter on the loose,
how I love to **** a moose.
I use the skins as a rug,
I just killed an annoying bug.
I use my trusty ax to chop off their head,
now they hang above my king sized bed.
How I love to use my awesome ax,
whether for the IRS, hunting or torturing blacks.
1.7k · May 2014
Plumbing
Allen Wilbert May 2014
Plumbing
screaming in pain
cleaning her drain
it was very clogged
I am very logged
loved my plumbers crack
she gave my *** a smack
faucet beginning to leak
from the point of the peak
ended up in bed
she gives good head
wanted bill to be free
told me during my morning ***
I said you lost your mind
so I poked her from behind
how about half price
she said sorry no dice
please free she would beg
as she played with my third leg
running wild was my imagination
you could feel my frustration
after the plumbing was all done
it turned out she was a nun
1.6k · Sep 2013
Best Week Ever
Allen Wilbert Sep 2013
Best Week Ever

Just had my best week of all time,
I'm 42 but still in my prime.
Spent some time with Brittany Spears,
I left her begging and in tears.
After a night with Beyonce,
she wanted me to be her fiance.
Just one night with Pink,
now she can't even blink.
Had a date with Katy Perry,
she asked me to pop her cherry.
Spent some time with J-Lo,
she was more sloppy than a joe.
Rihanna likes to play rough,
**** she looks good in the buff.
Me and Fergie ate some black eyed peas,
then we were joined by Alicia keys.
Had a blast with Taylor Swift,
we did it on a ski lift.
Avril Lavinge wanted it never to end,
now she wants to be her boyfriend.
I turned Miley Cyrus back into Hannah Montana,
its a secret what we did with a banana.
Me and Kesha sang her hit Tik Tok,
then she ****** on my clock.
Selena Gomez is a witch no more,
I turned her into my little *****.
Carrie Underwood won't slash my tires,
the heat between us started some fires.
Gwen Stefani left the singer from Bush,
she loved the way I smacked her ****.
Lady Ga Ga showed me her poker face,
with her I reached every base.
Me and Lita Ford kissed each other deadly,
then she sang me a **** medley.
Madonna said I was her best,
we spent no time dressed.
I was man enough for Sheryl Crow,
let me tell you, she can really blow.
As the week ended, I had Shakira moving her hips,
then I woke up and it was an **** with Gladys Night and her Pips.
1.6k · Dec 2013
Deaths Of 2013
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Deaths Of 2013

My third year doing this.

Paul Walker, Texas ranger,
driving fast leads to danger.
Matt Osbourne was Doink The Clown,
Paul Bearer always wore a frown.
Dennis Farina and James Gandolfini,
always played a mobster meany.
Peter O'Toole, famous actor,
Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher.
President Nelson Mandela,
Dennis Burkley, was a famous fat actor fella.
Lou Reed, is now on the wild side,
took all the colored girls for a ride.
Conrad Bain and Bonnie Franklin,
tv actors who had white skin.
Paul Blair and Stan The Man,
playing baseball, when they can.
Marcia Wallace and Lisa Robin Kelly,
both had ***** that bounced like jelly.
Tom Clancy wrote famous books,
not much on having good looks.
Cory Montieth and Patti Page,
one died young, other of old age.
Jean Stapleton, was Edith Bunker,
Archie always put her in the dumper.
Pat Summerall and Deacon Jones,
played football and broke some bones.
Dr. Joyce Brothers and Pauline Phillips,
they both gave good and bad tips.
Ray Manzarek, from The Doors,
Jeff Hanneman knew all Slayers chords.
Chrissy Amphlett, liked to touch herself,
Caleb Moore's trophies are on his shelf.
Mindy McCready and George Jones,
both hit those country tones.
Chris Kelly from Kris Kross,
Ed Koch is a New York loss.
David Frost and Roger Ebert,
always had words to insert.
Anneitte Funicello from Mickey Mouse Club,
Eydie Gorme almost got a snub.
Jonathan Winters, was very funny,
to come from Mork's egg, made him money.
If you don't know who these people are,
look them up, internet not very far.
For the ones that I missed,
please don't get to ******.
1.6k · Oct 2013
Turd
Allen Wilbert Oct 2013
****

Went to the toilet and saw a floating ****,
not flushing is so **** absurd.
Pushed the handle and found out why,
what happened next made me cry.
Brown water coming to the top,
tried everything but it wouldn't stop.
Water and turds all over the floor,
this is something, I didn't ask for.
Squeezed my nose and grabbed a plunger,
it's a good thing I used to be a plumber.
I can feel the turds oozing through my toes,
man this **** really blows.
Finally I got the water to go down,
the once white tile is now covered brown.
Smells so bad, I started to gag,
got some paper towels, a mop and a bag.
Sprayed Fabreze as much as I could,
puked on the floor where I stood.
Took an hour, but the bathroom is clean,
never have I seen something so obscene.
Jumped myself in the shower,
gave myself one hell of a scour.
Suddenly up from the drain,
another ****, I couldn't detain.
There it was laughing at me,
this **** is ****** up, wouldn't you agree.
Maybe this is the famous Mr. Hankey,
this South Park character is making me cranky.
Everywhere I looked, all day I saw ****,
it was like a nightmarish continuous loop.
Just couldn't get turds off my mind,
for the first time in my life, I wish to be blind.
For now on my bathroom is the back yard,
who would have thought turds would leave me scarred.
1.6k · Dec 2013
Cliche
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Cliche

Life ***** then you die,
try and laugh, no need to cry.
Everyday is a new beginning,
can't keep my head from spinning.
Life's a journey, not a destination,
waiting for my train at the local station.
Same ole ****, different day,
always do things your own way.
Don't you hate when that happens,
food on face, with no napkins.
Try walking in someone else's shoes,
it doesn't really matter who's.
Don't worry, be happy,
no need to be snappy.
Always do as your told,
that cliche is getting old.
Another day, another dollar,
midgets are people too, just smaller.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you,
unless of course it's filled with poo.
You can't always get what you want,
but when you do, always flaunt.
Every rose has its thorn,
why does **** look like corn.
Find the light at the end of the tunnel,
I badly want a mistletoe belt buckle.
Don't know what you got, till it's gone,
if you got brains, you don't need brawn.
Love will find a way,
I once heard a band say.
Fame is only fifteen minutes long,
where you're at, is where you belong.
Friends come and friends go,
but it's family, you will always watch grow.
There is always a mountain, you must climb,
everyone will commit at least one crime.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it,
if you have a son, buy him a baseball mitt.
Only believe in what you see,
bad things always happen in three.
Don't always believe what you hear or read,
red blood, is what we all bleed.
Knock, knock who's there,
before you open, please beware.
Knick, knack, paddy, whack,
all girls love a good *** smack.
Money don't grow on trees,
in life there are no guarantees.
1.6k · Jan 2014
Potpourri
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Potpourri

Getting deceived
nothing received
loving destruction
covered in corruption
been slowly choking
words already spoken
ticking time bomb
dying in Vietnam
everyone is confused
difficult to get amused
laying in bed crying
wishing to be dying
wondering how and when
every now and again
going, going gone
trying desperately to hang on
no more power
time to devour
take total control
dig deep into soul
always a way
no need to pay
lost then found
silence now sound
flirt with disaster
become your own master
take a risky chance
not at first glance
grin and bare it
make everything fit
try and understand
nothing is planned
have a good day
all I can say.
1.6k · Nov 2013
Earth In Reverse
Allen Wilbert Nov 2013
Earth In Reverse

Suddenly I get confused,
feeling like I'm mentally bruised.
Always none the wiser,
tears gushing like a geyser.
Brain cells dying by the dozen,
having *** with a cousin.
****** is the latest thing,
brother and sister having a fling.
Mom and son, dad and daughter,
contaminated is all the water.
Earth is now spinning backwards,
trees are shrinking and no more birds.
Crime at an all time high,
hot in January, cold in July.
Sunrise in west, sunset in east,
no more beauty, only beast.
Islands in the ocean are now gone,
no more money to be withdrawn.
Time is now moving in reverse,
could things get any worse.
Tectonic plates moving Continents back together,
caused by water, earthquakes and bad weather.
Chaos all across the land,
no one seems to understand.
Volcanic eruptions have now blocked the sun,
life as we know it is now done.
When the smoke finally cleared,
dinosaurs have now reappeared.
1.6k · Dec 2013
Legalize It
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Legalize it

Sitting down jamming to Van Halen,
maybe flying, but more like sailing.
Smoked, maybe just a little bud,
whatever it was, certainly not a dud.
This visuals are out of sight,
best thing that happened, all **** night.
Lose yourself in a guitar solo,
nobody leads, we all just follow.
In own house, forget where you are,
this journey has gone a bit to far.
Air guitar is losing its touch,
maybe smoked a bit to much.
Also had a bit to drink,
hard now to even think.
Just legalize it already,
no more cutting corners like Freddy.
Tax the the living hell of of it,
soon after, no more deficit.
Side effects include, fun and joy,
brain cells get a temporary destroy.
Cotton mouth and the munchies,
no more wars in foreign countries.
Laziness and blood shot eye,
but at no time will you die.
Some drowsiness and falling asleep,
but to ****** to remember how many sheep.
May lead to other drugs,
or even getting naked hugs.
When legalized, I'd be first in line,
only then will life fully shine.
1.5k · Dec 2013
I Wanna Be A Poet
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
I Wanna Be A Poet

My writing is very strange,
no one has more range.
I've got my pen, in hand,
my poems are, in demand.
I use paper, it's my source,
I'm a pppppoet, of course.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
I'm the best you all must confess.
Writing on the paper,
planning my next caper.
Follow me on Twitter,
on Facebook, I'm a heavy hitter.
Writing in my notebook,
figuring my newest hook.
I feel so **** *****,
can't help but being flirty.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
writing will always be my business.
Feeling like a here,
I used to be a zero.
Six pens on my side,
in case some get dried.
Smoking my favorite cigarette,
listening to music on cassette.
Blowing rings with the smoke,
how it ***** being so broke.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
is a *** filled with green dough.
Other poets on the warpath,
because they always feel my wrath.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
my rhymes have been known to cause dizziness.
My name is Fred,
and one day, I'll be dead yo yo.
Boys Don't Cry, was a one hit wonder,
I just gave that song some poetic thunder.
I used to love that silly song,
Youtube the video, and tell me I'm wrong.
I wanna be a poet,
and you can be my poetess,
my only goal is to simply impress.
1.5k · Oct 2013
Barely Legal
Allen Wilbert Oct 2013
*******

Wouldn't change a thing, even if I could,
when I see her, I always sport a wood.
She is so very fine,
seeing her puts me on cloud nine.
Best *** I have ever seen,
hard to believe she is still a teen.
Between he thighs is the Bermuda triangle,
I get lost, but its something I can handle.
Smoothest skin you'll ever feel,
got turned down, but I applied for an appeal.
Hair is down to her ankles,
have to be careful when I light candles.
Our relationship is one of love and hate,
every topic is a heated debate.
She only likes me for my third leg,
to get her, I must always beg.
Our age difference doesn't matter,
I'm always on deck, to be the next batter.
She is not even old enough to drink,
but on the inside, its always pink.
She calls me her sugar daddy,
I always end up being her caddy.
She cheats on me every chance she gets,
but I still have no bitter regrets.
She moved in and steals all my money,
but she is more sweet than any kind of honey.
She is the most sexiest stripper,
I will always be the biggest tipper.
Then one day she was gone,
she used me just like a pawn.
She took my money and stole my new car,
she is now the biggest **** star.
The ***** never did pay me back,
now she is addicted to ****** and crack.
Tracked her down and got her rehabilitated,
she is now truly vindicated.
She lost the devil and found god,
well that's what she calls me, when riding my rod.
It truly is good to be the king,
she's now my queen, not just an expensive fling.
1.5k · Jan 2014
Calender Girls
Allen Wilbert Jan 2014
Calender Girls

Miss January, keeps me very warm,
make me glad, that I was born.
Miss February, covers me from snow,
oh man, can she really blow.
Miss March, knows her wrong from right,
never had a *****, so **** tight.
Miss April, is a famous **** star,
she likes to take things a bit to far.
Miss May, gives me an all day smile,
all month long, we walk the mile.
Miss June, looks good in Daisy Dukes,
I'm waiting on the line of Bo's and Luke's.
Miss July, blows me a birthday kiss,
she likes to hold it while I ****.
Miss August, wears a bikini thong,
then we smoke a big fat ****.
Miss September, wears a back to school skirt,
not sure if she even owns a shirt.
Miss October, likes to trick or treat,
her body tastes oh so sweet.
Miss November, lets me fill her turkey with stuffing,
at first I thought she might be bluffing.
Miss December, likes to sit on my lap,
her sweet ***, I like to slap.
I love, I love, I love my calender girls,
triplets with the youngest one in curls.
I love my calender, that hangs on my wall,
it makes my ***** stand so tall.
Even though it's all my imagination,
my train always leaves the station.
1.5k · Dec 2013
People Beware
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
People Beware

I'm toothless,
I'm ruthless.
I'm out of control,
I have no heart, I have no soul.
I will do whatever I please,
I'm sarcastic, and I like to tease.
I'm narcissistic,
I'm pessimistic.
I live in sin,
I'm out to win.
I will lie, cheat and steal,
all the girls, I make squeal.
I'm awesome,
I'm gruesome.
Horror movies make me laugh,
love watching actors get cut in half.
Some love me, some hate me,
either way, I'm always free.
I'm conceited,
I'm depleted.
Better keep out of my way,
don't trust me, I will betray.
I have a warped sense of humor,
it's all true, what they rumor.
I'm ****,
I'm numb.
I have no feelings,
all my secrets, I'm concealing.
Most of you are just jealous,
no one is more rebellious.
I'm eccentric,
I'm electric.
No one is more crazy,
girls think that I'm tasty.
All people better beware,
for what I'm about to prepare.
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