The Wizard Of Because

I live in a lap of luxury,
never again will I go hungry.
Life has been good so far,
big house and a fancy car.
Fame, fortune and power,
ten heads in my giant shower.
Can't remember last time when,
I slept at a cheap ****** inn.
Once was lost, now I'm found,
just like a dog in a pound.
Used to be naked, now fully clothed,
my whereabouts are undisclosed.
Every day is a new adventure,
cash only, never a debenture.
I have powers beyond belief,
some say, I'm just a common thief.
Can cure sickness, with just one touch,
if you have a broken leg, drop that crutch.
The future passes before my eyes,
I have unlimited amounts of supplies.
Not a disease, I can't cure,
cancer and aids are no more.
Been on Oprah, been on Ellen,
neither bought what I was selling.
Won the lottery sixteen times,
I've prevented many of crimes.
You can call me what you will,
my face is on the million dollar bill.
People pay to see me in action,
I love seeing their ****** reaction.
Now that I have your undivided attention,
ruling the world is my true intention.
Put people and things, in their rightful place,
**** half the world, we need the **** space.
No more busy streets,
no more money or stupid receipts.
Not a single crowded mall,
handicapped people standing tall.
No more standing in long lines,
no more tickets, no more fines.
No more government laws,
it's good to be the wizard of because.

I'm Forty Three

Lines form on my forehead and neck,
lines form on my upper and lower deck.
I'm middle aged without a plan,
I'm thirty something, I'm an old man.
I'm forty three, no idea what I want,
going blind and needing bigger font.
Forty three, gotta get away,
I've been straight, I've been gay.
I've gotta get out of this place,
my parents want me out from the crawl space.
I've gotta thirty something brain
and an old geezers heart,
I blame the dog, whenever I ****.
Took forty three years to get this far,
still listen to cassettes, when in my car.
Don't always know what I'm a saying,
Uncle Sam, I keep on paying,
not gonna tell ya, what I'm a weighing.
***** swing low from the left and the right,
silly kids always ask, Mister was there always light.
Every bone in my body cracks,
rolling in sand, I leave wrinkle tracks.
I'm in the middle age of my life,
I've been a boy, girl, husband and a wife.
I'm thirty something and an old geezer,
I listed to Elvis and also Weezer.
I'm forty three and I like it,
I travel around with a Depends kit.
Yes I like it, I love it, I like it, I love it,
I'm forty three, forty three, forty three,
and all this yelling made me ****.

Just My Job

I chop off hands, I chop off feet,
I'm the kind of guy, you don't wanna meet.
I chop off legs, I chop off arms,
if you wanna help, I'll take turns.
I chop off *****, I chop off *****,
I freeze the parts with ice cubes.
I gouge out eyes, I chop off ears,
don't worry I use sanitized sharp sheers.
I cut out your kidneys, I cut out your liver,
Cannibals pay me good to deliver.
I chop off your *****, I cut out your heart,
then put them all in a shopping cart.
You may ask yourself why cannibals,
because they eat humans, like we eat mammals.
I peel off your skin, then chop off your head,
they eat your skin with some mayo and bread.
The payment plan is very well,
if it wasn't, I would never sell.
Times are tough in this recession,
please don't get the wrong impression.
This has become my career and passion,
sorry that I show no mercy or compassion.
I lure people into my home,
started with a salesman selling chrome.
Jehovah Witnesses are easy victims,
I guess you can say I have serial killer symptoms.
I sell the blood to all the hungry vampires,
if you could only read my secret diaries.
If anyone you know is considered missing,
it's because of me going fishing.
Cannibals give me a people list,
I'm doing Gods work with a twist.
Ten years and going strong,
I guess, what I'm doing is wrong.
People please don't judge what I do,
or my next victim, could be you.

Remember When

Remember days that were simple,
nothing to do but pop a pimple.
Graduating from high school,
everyone thinking the're so cool.
Going on a first date,
worrying about being overweight.
Having *** for the first time,
never called again, what a slime.
Driving in your first car,
partying like a rock star.
Then it's off to college,
beer and *** produces knowledge.
Some go off to the military,
having friends that are imaginary.
Then a job or even a career,
not a worry, not a fear.
Future so bright, must wear shades,
life becoming more like charades.
Get married and have a baby,
then the spouse always says maybe.
Start fooling around with a neighbor,
snorting coke on a piece of paper.
Life never becomes what's expected,
family and friends becoming neglected.
Now divorced and feeling alone,
life spiraling like a cyclone.
Drug abuse got out of control,
in jail waiting for parole.
Never again seeing that child,
when first born you cried and smiled.
Can't find work and being broke,
when did life become a joke.
Wishing life went back to simple,
when toughest choice was what color sprinkle.
If had to do all over again,
You'd believe in god and say amen.

The Cop

I'm a cop walking the beat,
about to retire with hurt feet.
followed a man who looked suspicious,
from the size of his gun, I knew he was vicious.
He went inside a hotel lobby,
acting all bossy and ******.
He took hostages, except for me,
I shot him dead and set them free.
That's the old fashioned American way,
plus I'm a cop, who wants his pay.
Next night I heard a woman scream,
getting ***** as he tried to spill his cream.
I also shot him dead,
for saving her, she gave me head.
All because I'm a good cop,
I offered to use the mop.
I shoot people who sell drugs,
their just useless stupid thugs.
I shoot first, question are for later,
my gun would **** the largest alligator.
Next night followed a woman, inside a store,
she was shoplifting, I thought maybe she was poor.
Followed he into her fancy car,
I shot that stealing rock star.
Got in some trouble on that one,
a cops job is never done.
Next night followed a molester,
following a young boy,
offering candy and a shinny new toy.
Saw him stalking in the park,
but I'm a cop, who's not afraid of the dark.
Took my shot, while he was watching,
it was the boys dad, I saw falling.
Retired early without a pension,
should have taken that course in safety prevention.

Will
This is meant to be read,
the week after I pass away.
This is my only and final will,
sorry I have no money or assets.
To my children,
I give whatever I have, plus love.
To my family, I give love,
and thanks for all the support.
To my friends, I give love,
and thanks for the memories.
To my beautiful fiance,
I give love,
and sorry for dying to soon.
I wish I was still alive,
to give you all,
one final good-bye hug.
I will always love and cherish.
each and every moment and memory.
Even though I died to young,
I lived a full and fun life.
I wish you all a long,
and most happy life.
Now it's time to say good-bye,
don't be sad and please don't cry.
I love you all,
Allen Wilbert.

Hey everyone have you heard the news.
Someone has loosened all my screws.
Some might say I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
I may be crazy but I need no cuffs.
Weird I am but in a good way.
When I talk, I always spray.
Mentally ill people call my strange.
My brain just needs an oil change.
Nothing wrong with being unusual.
My feelings of you are evenly mutual.
At times I can be very odd.
I can't help that I am God.
Not rich enough to be eccentric.
Not poor enough to be egocentric.
My elevator doesn't go to the top.
As a baby I must have been dropped.
Someone blew out my pilot light.
Never been accused of being bright.
No one on Earth is more flaky.
If I'm nervous, I become shaky.
Its fun being nutty as a fruitcake.
Leave me alone and give me a break.
You might say I'm off my rocker.
To all beautiful girls I am a stalker.
I have never played with a full deck.
Sometimes in my pants, I have a wreck.
Many of my marbles are still missing.
Kids in school were always hissing.
So what it my attic is a bit dusty.
All my brain cells have become rusty.
Even though on walls I like peeing.
I am still a human being.

Blinded
blinded by light
blinded by night
blinded by beauty
blinded by cruelty
blinded by you
blinded by me
blinded by two
blinded by three
only one has the power
over me, you do tower
deaf to your sound
saved me when I drowned
headed for a certain death
you gave me an extra breath
opened my blinded eyes
and I saw your face
suddenly dying
didn't become a race
once blinded
now I see
your love
set me free
as I floated
to the sky
looking down
I waved good-bye

Nobody Knows
Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring,
will there be sunshine, will birds sing.
Is today your last day,
if it is, what will they say.
Were you good, were you bad,
were you happy, were you sad.
Will people come and mourn,
or will they wish,
you were never born.
Is it dark, or is it light,
did you try with all your might.
Is there heaven, is there hell,
whom will toll your last bell.
Is there something,
you would change,
was there things,
you left estrange.
Is there life after death,
will you haunt,
who took your last breath.
For these questions,
that nobody knows,
we'll find out,
in the end,
I will suppose.

Being Modest

So you think you know me,
but you don't have a **** clue,
I'll chop you up and put me in my stew.
You stupid selfish *******,
the things I can do never have a glitch.
I always have the perfect plan,
I'm the side kick and the front man.
You only know a little of a portion,
of my minds total distortion.
I come and go as I please,
if you ever meet me, get on your knees.
Whatever I write, you always read,
if you don't, I'll make you bleed.
Trust me, you haven't seen my best,
wont be discovered, til I'm laid to rest.
Never doing what I'm told,
more contagious than the common cold.
You all wish you could be like me,
to all the locks, I have the key.
I don't run, I don't hide,
things I've done, you always let slide.
I'm a god, I'm a king and a genius,
I have more followers than the evil Jesus.
You all wish you had my talent,
but I'm sure your efforts are very gallant.
Don't mean to be so conceited,
but being awesome deserves to be repeated.
I can move mountains, and walk on water,
with each day, I get more hotter.
If you try and slow me down,
your white underwear will turn brown.
If you soon don't jump on my bandwagon,
I'll burn you more than a fearless dragon.
I can heal people with a single touch,
maybe I think of myself to much.
Well maybe I do, what do you care,
all my secrets, I will never share.
I have an ego, I can't control,
long ago I sold the devil my soul.
If what I'm writing is to offending,
this is how my poem will be ending.

Wacky Writing Ranger

I'm a wacky writing ranger,
living the life of a stranger.
Got my pen and my paper,
I write what I want,
doesn't matter size of font,
my warped mind will find a new caper.
Writing rhymes since I was forty,
no woman ever called me shorty.
Money, what the hell is that,
it's everyone else's wallets getting fat.
My mouth is dry, fingers are numb,
even with a talent, I'm still a lazy ***.
I *** big holes in my wall,
inside the house, I play too much ball.
I have eggs with my breakfast toast,
Jeffrey Ross, where is my comedy roast.
A life filled with agony,
writing keeps my sanity.
From New Jersey to Florida,
living with my woman named Laura.
Hundreds of hearts earn my name,
can't even count the one night stands,
listening to all my favorite 80's hair bands,
all the groupies are just the same.
I've worked and had a paying job,
Bob spelled backwards is still Bob.
Left Jersey so far behind,
for that Florida weather grind.
Writing is in my blood to stay,
I don't care about the lack of pay.
I'm a wacky writing ranger,
I live the life of a complete stranger.
Read this rhyme and follow it til the end,
Then maybe after you decide to die,
look down at all the people who will cry,
then maybe Edgar Allan Poe will be your friend.

Hypnotized

I wondered that one day,
what words I might say.
An event so catastrophic,
I became so hypnotic.
Never saw anything like this,
not something you'd wanna miss.
A phenomenon like no other,
not sure I'd ever recover.
Not something easily explained,
not a soul could be blamed.
People just stopped to stare,
something was just in the air.
These things only happen to someone else,
no words could ever try to express.
A drama turned disaster,
hair turned white as plaster.
Life flashing before the eyes,
stomach filled with butterflies.
As the world stood silently still,
you could feel a bitter chill.
No one knows how or why,
never got to say good-bye.
Everyone in a sudden awe,
felt like an episode of Monday Night Raw.
No one knows exactly what happened,
everyone felt so lost and abandoned.
People couldn't take eyes off the news,
was this real or just a ruse.
Hiding tears with sunglasses,
was billions of the masses.
Possibly the darkest day in history,
everyone had their own theory.
Sometimes you just never know,
there's an ending to every great show.
Mine ended on that fateful night,
no more words left to write.
No one ever saw it coming,
peoples hearts were rapidly pumping.
I went to sleep and never woke up,
filled with sorrow was everyone's cup.
As the world began to mourn,
one day I will be reborn.
Death feels like a hypnotic trance,
I'll return for a second chance.
As I look down from the clouds,
I watch over all the saddened crowds.
Unlike Jesus, I shall return,
still a lot of life left to learn.

Welcome

Welcome to the darkness of my mind,
always mean, but sometimes kind.
A little nice and a lot of naughty,
the devil himself has paid for and done me doggy.
Welcome to the beating of my heart,
cold as ice and never again will be torn apart.
No woman will ever again break,
no more bleeding, no more ache.
Welcome to my hollowed soul,
highway to hell has no toll.
You just follow the fire filled road,
wish I could take back what I sold.
Welcome to the world of hell,
had no choice, I just fell.
The little kindness I had, is all gone,
assuming this is where I belong.
Welcome to my nightmare of my dream,
wake me up before I scream.
With the devil, I tried to convince,
but after all, he is the darkened prince.
Welcome to my final resting place,
down here, there is plenty of space.
This is where, I will spend my eternity,
how long I'll be here is an uncertainty.
Welcome to the home I live,
no more receiving, you only give.
Down here nobody floats,
but you do bend over for ***** goats.
Welcome to my writing style,
its been this way for awhile.
If it's good give it a like,
or you'll be headed down a heated pike.
Welcome to the end of the rhyme,
try and read, if you got the time.
Until we meet again my friend,
this tall tale must come to an end.

Skeletons In The Closet

In my closet I keep some bodies,
killing people is one of my hobbies.
I shoot people with my gun,
then sell their organs just for fun.
I skin their flesh and drain their blood,
my back yard is nothing but red mud.
Good thing my closet is extra wide,
it's the perfect place for them to hide.
I also enjoy golf and skiing,
I also take in a bit of sightseeing.
It helps me find people that don't matter,
then their brains, I like to splatter.
I fill my closet with plenty of bones,
a bunch of people, who were just unknowns.
No one even reports them missing,
sometimes their skulls I like kissing.
As I stalk my next victim,
I charm them with my words of wisdom.
I treat them like their my best friend,
if they only knew, it was all pretend.
I take them back to my place,
hoping I have enough closet space.
Then one night my house got raided,
my hopes and dreams suddenly became faded.
They locked me up and threw away the key,
fifty counts of ****** in the first degree.
My sentencing was for me to die,
above the prison, my skeleton hangs high.

Ex Partners

The last time that we spoke,
my life was such a joke.
I'm glad to see you're doing well,
my life has gone straight to hell.
I see you have become very rich,
yes my wife is still a *****.
Must be nice to have fortune and fame,
while I'm stuck in the hall of shame.
You and your trophy wife,
me grabbing for my sharpest knife.
You living high on the hog,
me so hungry, had to eat my dog.
I see you bought a brand new mansion,
they had to repo my trailer expansion.
Your kids are going to the best schools,
my kids go to school on ***** mules.
Remember when we are team,
me not knowing you had a hidden scheme.
Did you know I had a nervous breakdown,
it ****** wearing that hospital gown.
Your wife and kids I have kidnapped,
I left you a ransom note that I wrapped.
I deserve half of your money,
the longer you wait, the more they become ******.
I'm only asking for a measly million,
I think it's worth it for your wife and children.
You better not involve the cops,
I'm so hungry, I could eat them like pork chops.
Put the money in a garbage bag,
tie it tight with an old ***** rag.
Leave it at the place where we first met,
the your family you might get.
I left you a map where to find them,
you only have to eight p.m.
Everything went according to plan,
now I am a very rich man.

Dream Or Delusion

I am back with a vengeance,
my possibilities are so endless.
I was only gone for awhile,
no one else has my writing style.
Everything I do is an instant success,
I'm the God, you all should bless.
Everything I touch turns into gold,
unlike you, I will never grow old.
I'm a man who can't be beat,
unless of course, its my own meat.
I walk alone and stand tall,
there ain't a situation, I can't control.
No one has my creative imagination,
my brain will never go on vacation.
I take from the rich and give to the poor,
even Robin Hood thinks I have delusions of grandeur.
I have bi-polar with a twist,
my personality you can't resist.
One day conceited, one day depressed,
with *** and money, I'm obsessed.
I only speak words of wisdom,
my words always deserve a listen.
Even when I'm gone, I'm always here,
don't worry, I will never completely disappear.
In due time, I may fade away,
then everyone will celebrate my birthday.
It's my time to be in the sun,
I'm not afraid, I won't run.
I'm the master of all rhyme,
finally it's my shinny time.
I have waited many years,
shed over a million tears.
All my dreams are finally coming true,
I believe my time is long over due.
Is my nightmare finally over,
have I picked my lucky four leaf clover.
I am ready for my standing ovation,
rid myself of all my hidden frustration.
Maybe all this is just a cruel diversion,
coming from a mind, who was an abortion.

The Letters Of My Name

A is the first letter of my name,
I belong in the Facebook hall of fame.
Laura is the girl made for me,
she is awesome and she would agree.
Living in the lap of luxury,
and we don't need to be wealthy.
Everyday is filled with light,
the sun has never shinned so bright.
Never felt this happy before,
my two kids, I so much adore.
Wheels in the sky keeps on turning,
the bed in our room is always burning.
I used to be one ****** dork,
people always stuck me with a fork.
Living large, I wish came easy,
most of my jokes are a bit cheesy.
Because of all of you, I stay strong,
no matter if I'm right or wrong.
Everyday is filled with sunshine,
life itself is its own punchline.
Rhyming words is all I know,
when aroused, a part of me will grow.
Thank you all for your support,
still don't know the difference,
between a pint and a quart.
I used all the letters in my name,
I hope this rhyme don't put me to shame.

Obese

There once was a man, who lived in the city,
he thought his life was pretty ******.
Had no family, friends or a job,
this ******* was a six hundred pound slob.
Sat home eating food all day,
collecting welfare, so he didn't have to pay.
Couldn't bend over to tie his shoes,
if not eating, he'd be taking a snooze.
Waddling himself to the local store,
buying food and nothing more.
Can't fit in any car or truck,
**** his life must really ****.
Too fat to wipe his own ***,
gets rid of ****** berries, by rolling in the grass.
Five years later he was eight hundred pounds,
hired a nurse who made her daily rounds.
Too fat now, can't even leave his bed,
she would feed him and wash him toes to head.
Better her doing all that than me,
I like standing when I have to ***.
Two years later he finally died,
no one cared, no one cried.
He was forklifted to an over sized casket,
his heart finally blew a gasket.
Well I am here to say, I cared for this fat ****,
even though everywhere he went, he got stuck.
He was human, just like the rest of us,
not his fault, he was heavier than a tour bus.
If not for him, there would be no rhyme,
and I wouldn't be wasting your precious time.

Undertaker

Hello all, hear what I say,
death to you, so please obey,
start by getting out of my way,
hoping you all have a great day.
Prepare to meet your maker,
I disconnect your circuit breaker,
Believe me, I'm no faker,
they call me the undertaker.
I take your rotting soul,
push you down a deep dark hole,
paid the devil one wealthy toll,
your parents should have used birth control.
I take kids that are young,
hurts so bad, I bite my tongue,
no more living, are they the among,
I've been bit, I've got stung.
Not a job, I like doing,
my contract, they're renewing,
children's vitamins, I've been chewing,
not a job worth pursuing.
A ***** job, but they made me do it,
I hate it, but I can't admit,
my own neck, I'd like to slit,
there last meal is a banana split.
It's not my fault, that they die,
wipe the tears from my eye,
I was a man you used to be shy,
gotta go, there was just another school drive by.

Better Than You

Anytime, anyplace,
I will kick you in your face.
Anyhow, anywhere,
I will leave you in despair.
You name the place, tell me the time,
there isn't a word I can't rhyme.
Not a chance, I will loose,
your words leave a mental bruise.
I'm gods gift to the pen,
you have smaller ***** than Ken.
Don't hate the player, hate the game,
by now you all know my name.
I'm not a poet or a rapper,
just a rhymer, writer and a scrapper.
I entertain you with my catchy hooks,
it helps that I have sensational looks.
You're nothing but a fudge packing **** pirate,
oh I'm sorry, was that supposed to be private.
You can't mess with the rhyme master,
what a shame you turned into a disaster.
I've taught you everything you know,
but I left out the part how to properly flow.
You were my pupil, you tried to go alone,
like Medusa, I turned you into stone.
The **** you write, no one reads,
to me everyone eventually concedes.
You're like Pepsi, I'm like Coke,
I'm an unsolvable riddle, you're just a joke.
As I stand here waiting for the duel,
the longer I wait, the more I fuel.
I see you lurking in the shadows,
you're heading right for the gallows.
This is your last chance to surrender,
I commend you for trying to be a contender.
But as I suspected, I'm better than you,
I left your underwear brown, and your ***** blue.

Delusional

I do what I want,
I say as I please,
girls see me,
and drop to their knees.
Conceited maybe,
eccentric yes,
depressed always.
I write what I write,
no topic is taboo,
sometimes I even,
hear a Who.
Delusional and paranoid,
people watch me as I walk.
Licking my fingers,
licking my toes,
then I eat,
what I find in my nose.
Conspiracy theories,
and superstitions,
they consume my thoughts.
I count my money,
that I wish I had,
part of the reason,
that I'm always sad.
I have stories,
I have rhymes,
I have people, that I love,
I still bleed the same color blood.
I have pride,
I have passion,
the police are here,
because of my fashion.
Sometimes I rock,
sometimes I roll,
I like to smoke from a bowl,
I'm number one,
according to the latest poll.

Done It All

Been to hell and came back,
shot some ******, smoked some crack.
Walked on water, parted the Red Sea,
took a ****, took a ***.
Not a thing, I haven't done,
sometimes lost, sometimes won.
Had *** all sorts of ways,
wrote the Kamasutra, in just two days.
Wrestled Austin, boxed Ali,
I play naked when I volley.
Climbed to the highest mountain,
also drank from the youth fountain.
Ain't nothing I can't do,
when a ghost, I'll yell boo.
The most interesting man in the world,
is nothing but a joke,
I cracked his shell,
then drank his yolk.
I know every word in the dictionary,
my skills are so revolutionary.
You come to me with your pain,
you silly fools have no brain.
I know magic, I know illusions,
I come to my own conclusions.
Been everywhere in this world,
a bit eccentric and a lot disturbed.
When I was born, they broke the mold,
I've never once had a cold.
I will die on my own terms,
cremate me, I want no worms.

Never Settle

Why is true love so hard to find,
all the stars must be perfectly aligned.
Sometime's it's right under your nose,
for some people it never shows.
Love could knocking at your door,
some people answer, some people ignore.
Love is being at the right place, at the right time,
for some it's an endless mountain, you must climb.
True love will always find a away,
a soul mate will never betray.
What ever you do, please don't settle,
hang tight and wait for the perfect rose petal.
Some find love a first sight,
some try hard with all their might.
It may take years to find your mate,
it could be destiny, it could be fate.
Might be a friend you've known forever,
then again it could happen never.
Getting no *** leaves you stressed and frustrated,
***** calls always end up being complicated.
Being alone is never fun,
the third wheel has been over done.
Use your hand when in doubt,
put an end to that long drought.
You might end up with a broken heart,
it happens to the dumb, it happens to the smart.
Whether you're young, or if you're old,
when you finally find love, tightly hold.
It may only happen once or twice,
true love is nothing but a roll of the dice.
Even if you're ugly, be optimistic,
love will find your one good characteristic.
If I can find love, so can you,
don't be fake, always be true.

The Viper

I have an idea for a new invention,
I'm sure it will get a lot of attention.
The name is the The Viper,
and its an automatic *** wiper.
Never again will you have to wipe your own ***,
you just install the snake head,
with its tongue made of sea bass.
All you do is push the button on the latrine,
out comes the tongue to wipe your *** clean.
I'm sure this will become a big hit,
people will rush to their bathroom,
just to take a ****.
Never again will you need toilet paper.
and if you call now,
I will throw in the automatic *** scraper.
Never again will you have to worry about ****** berries,
And don't forget to order the scented tongues,
if you want your ***, to smell like cherries.
There is a limited supply,
please call now,
operators are standing by.

Christmas Cheer

I can't believe what I just saw,
so surreal it put me in awe.
Of course, I can't tell you what it was,
it would **** your ongoing buzz.
I was bewildered and dumbfounded,
at the same time confused and astounded.
All I can say is please beware,
nothing will ever compare.
I took an oath an sworn to secrecy,
it's a theory of conspiracy.
They put me in witness protection,
wish I could tell you in what direction.
When it happened, I couldn't even scream,
I figured it was just a bad dream.
I just can't go on living this way,
my life is in total dismay.
People always guarding my door,
I liked the life I had before.
Always wondering when and where,
tonight there is something in the air.
Tired of living a life of hiding,
going back home is what I'm deciding.
Packed my bags and rented a U Haul,
no more being behind the eight ball.
What I'm about to tell you is the truth,
I saw mommy kissing Santa in a telephone booth.
Killer elf's started to chase me,
I wish they would let me be.
The institution told me, there was no such thing as Santa,
it was just my dad dressed in a red suited pajama.
I killed who I thought was Kris Kringle,
it sure makes one hell of a holiday jingle.
Witness protection was just an insane asylum,
they told me it was a deserted island.
Son kills dad cause he was naive,
walking past a telephone booth one Christmas Eve.
My mom then got run over by a reindeer,
I hated my parent, this turned out to be a good year.

Living In Sin
***, drugs and rock and roll
never once paying a toll
girls begging on their knees
don't need to say please
going to church is a sin
dealing with the devil
and I always win
I lie, I cheat, I steal
it's not that big of a deal
living life on my terms
never worrying
about the germs
I'm set in my own ways
I'll leave you in a daze
leaving each day
like my last
**** the future
**** the past
if you don't approve
like I care
like a truck driver
I like to swear
I don't shower
I don't stink
on the inside
is always pink
you might not like
what I say
I do the the same
every single day
you might not like
what I write
like I care
it's out of spite

Fat Lady
every time I see you
it makes me puke
you're so ugly
it gives me a *****
you're fat and you're hairy
and so very very scary
can't even look
at your face
even bigfoot
thinks you're a disgrace
you smell like ****
and you got one ***
men see you
then they run
not my fault
you weigh a ton
two thousand pounds
I mean come on
the house shakes
when you yawn
been in bed
over twenty years
you're much bigger
than the local Sears
people watch movies
on your back
rivers flow
down your *** crack
if she sat on you
couldn't hear a thing
this fat lady
just started to sing

Alaska *****

Walking down a darkened hall,
shadow standing oh so tall,
bumping into every wall.
Getting loud is the thunder,
toilet clogged and no plunger,
feel like Tarzan, lost in the jungle.
No electric from the storm,
no candles to keep warm,
all the flies, starting to swarm.
Food in fridge going bad,
living alone and feeling sad,
Alaskan life makes me mad.
Six months of pure hell,
cold weather makes ankles swell,
life *****, can't you tell.
Storm over, electric back on,
radio playing my favorite song,
the conclusion is now forgone.
Still no sun for seven weeks,
watching a marathon of Twin Peeks,
frozen water forming leaks.
Can't wait to move from Alaska,
move back home to Nebraska,
grow old and play canasta.

It's Just My Job

I'll stab you with scissors, I'll stab you with a fork,
all because you're a two timing ****.
I'll shoot you with a rifle, I'll shoot you with a shotgun,
you are all gonna die one by one.
I'll beat you with a bat, I'll beat you with a stick,
if it was long enough, I'd beat you with my ****.
I'd choke you with my hands, I'd choke you with my feet,
if that doesn't work, I will repeat.
I'll run you over with my car, I'll run you over with my truck,
in the threads of my tires, you're flesh will get stuck.
I'll poison your food, I'll poison your drink,
then toss you in the ocean, till you sink.
I'll bury you in the sand, I'll bury you in the dirt,
whether at the beach or in the desert.
I'll **** you cause I want to, I'll **** you cause I can,
it doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man.
I'll crush you with a rock, I'll crush you with a hammer,
all because you don't use the proper grammar.
I'll punch you in the face, I'll punch you in the *****,
if that doesn't **** you, I'll use your skin for my dolls.
I'll push you off a building, I'll push you off a cliff,
if you land face first, I hope you're not stiff.
I'll use a farmers pitchfork, I'll use a butchers cleaver,
I guess you can call me an over achiever.
Killing is my business and business is good,
I'm the ******* devil, so being better you should.

Nine Lives (Cat From Hell)

I have a cat that just wont die,
trust me, I gave it the old college try.
It pukes, pees and poops on the floor,
brings dead animals to my front door.
I've dropped him off many of miles,
but it always comes back after awhile's.
No food or water for many of weeks,
my water bed now has many leaks.
Killing this cat is so **** tricky,
whenever I **** it, he comes back like Little Nicky.
Poisoned its food with lots of cyanide,
into the window it would collide.
Stabbed it twice, buried it in the yard,
but in like Pet Sematary, this cat will die hard.
Ran it over and over with my truck,
he just makes me look like a schmuck.
Tried to drown it in my bath tub,
this cat belongs to the nine lives club.
Every morning, I wake up in my own blood,
it laughs at me while he smokes my last bud.
He breathes fire from its meowing mouth,
he definitely came from the deep south.
I'm like Tom, he's like Jerry,
its favorite drink is a ****** Mary.
I once even fed him to my dog,
next day it came back inside a brown log.
I've punched it hard, and kicked it far,
this hell cat is the most bizarre.
Tried killing it with a single gun shot,
burned it with water that was boiling hot.
No matter what I tried it wouldn't work,
he always made me look like a stupid ****.
I even burned down my own house,
there he was carrying out a dead mouse.
My whole body burning from cat scratch fever,
I chopped off its head with a sharp meat cleaver.
Put it in a huge ***, and made some cat chop suey,
it tasted bad and very gooey.
After that day, I felt scratching from the inside,
two weeks later, internal bleeding is how I died.

Bad Day

Woke up alone, with tears in eye,
this answer, I hope to find the why,
one night stand, never said good-by.
Lost my ten year job,
boss was as a rich snob.
Caught my girl with the neighbor,
super huge line at The Department of Labor.
Ran out of gas, had to push my car,
worst dinner ever at my local bar.
News filled with corruption and ******,
me filled with high powered bi-polar.
Doing shots with reckless abandon,
all this plus living in Camden.
A true New Jersey **** hole,
drugs everywhere except birth control.
My best friend died last week,
there goes our hanging out winning streak.
Tomorrow will be a year since my parents death,
everyday I still have to catch my breath.
Left the bar with as female,
bigger than any sized whale.
She sat on my face, and I said holy fat,
don't remember much after that.
Sneaked out of the hotel, before me,
having a bad day, wouldn't you agree,
went home, and lost the house key.
Cut myself breaking a window,
felt like a hooked helpless minnow.
Can't blame this on the rain,
or the disease in my brain.
This was a long time coming,
my nervous breakdown was forthcoming.
I think now, I know the why,
life ***** and I'd rather die.
I'm so much better than that,
Getting rid of my welcome mat.
Played country backwards, to get my life back,
nothing but torture and an occasional hack.
Well now i know the reasons why,
I'm just a regular fall guy.

Hot Blonde

The ****** tension turns me on,
like a baby buck, with a new found fawn.
Feel the heat as it burns inside,
not a woman, who gets denied.
She turns heads where ever she goes,
her smile, her blue eyes, and her twinkled nose.
Hair is blonde, skin is white,
I've lost control of wrong and right.
Got to have her no matter what,
the butterflies are eating my gut,
Works at a diner, down the block,
I heard she ***** one mean ****.
Diner always packed with ***** men,
I wait my turn to see her again.
There she is, right in front of me,
all I could say was, How it be.
She laughed, thought it was funny,
never seen eyes so runny.
We went out after work,
will try not to act like a ****.
Went to a movie, after dinner,
back at my place, I became a sinner.
We did things, you couldn't imagine,
for that one night, I was the captain.
Woke up and she was gone,
he note read, We don't belong.
She died that very next day,
if you think I did it, then no way.

St. Valentines Day Massacre

This is a story that you may decline,
I'm not talking about Chicago 1929.
This happened a short time ago,
no cupid, no arrow or a bow.
Five years ago to the day,
a man was stalking his ex prey.
Every girl that ever dumped him,
he was lonely and getting no trim.
There was four girls in all,
each one got a strange call.
Kidnapped them one by one,
tied them up, couldn't run.
Drew a circle around their heart,
looked like a mathematical pie chart.
From his pocket, grabbed his scalpel,
then lit up his first candle.
Proceeded to cut out the circle,
blood poured out on the table.
Heart pumping, as he started to yank,
enough blood to fill up a bank.
One by one each heart got crushed,
you should have seen, as the blood gushed.
Rest of the bodies, burned into ash,
on the news, he made a big splash.
February fourteenth, 2009,
his house is now a ****** shrine.

Growing Old
in the twilight
of my life
growing old
with my wife
been married
fifty years
shared some laughs
shared some tears
four great kids
of our own
always asking
for a loan
now that
we are broke
our aging bodies
we need to soak
our grand kids
we highly adore
wishing we could
see them more
lived our life
to the max
paid our share
of government tax
saggy *****
saggy ****
wrinkles that
just won't quits
making out our
latest will
hoping our kids
don't try and ****
leaving everything
to the oldest
that move
is the boldest
no plans on
ever dying
even though
our kids are trying

Lit Candle

I lit a candle in your honor,
still can't believe you're a goner.
You had some high expectations,
your death is under investigations.
Shot in the head, at the bar,
found in the trunk of your car.
Nobody there saw a thing,
you were more famous than a king.
Your blood still stains the wall,
no one is allowed to use that bathroom stall.
I lit another candle for a certain girl,
her blonde hair she liked to twirl.
This poor girl, no one will ever miss,
and it happened just like this.
She was a *******, standing on the corner,
not American, but a foreigner.
Nobody ever did identify her body,
she was more pretty, than a dressed up Barbie.
Shot in the head and left in the street,
a cop found her while walking the beat.
Its been a week and there is still a chalk line,
her life extension got a fatal decline.
I lit yet another candle,
these deaths are becoming quite the scandal.
Another person shot in the head,
in his house and left for dead.
There is a serial killer on the loose,
a horrible tragedy with no excuse.
Three deaths with not one answer,
its spreading faster than cancer.
The local police have no clues,
its the headline on all the news.
I still have candles left to light,
there will be another lit tonight.
Another innocent soul will be set free,
and if they only knew it was me.

Garbage Can
there once was a man
lived in a garbage can
could not see
could not talk
could not ***
could not walk
his ***** was sewn shut
wrapped his body like King Tut
had no eyes
had no nose
had no fingers
had no toes
lost his job in the city
**** his life was pretty ******
had no blood
had no brain
he was dead
and insane
is he zombie
is he ghost
or just a mummy
eating old toast
had a friend
name was Oscar
he was a grouch
and a boxer
they both died
in a dumpster
they choked of cheese
made of munster

Bad Day
When things seem rough,
life getting way to tough.
Feel like giving up,
drinking from a Dixie cup.
No food on the table,
been awhile since cable.
No money to be found,
too shy to make a sound.
Already ate dogs and cats,
lowering down to only rats.
Lost the house, and the car,
no more cookies in the jar.
Living now with mom and dad,
roof overhead, just be glad.
Looking for any kind of job,
tired of being a lazy slob.
Not a dime in the bank,
Only yourself to thank.
Burned all the bridges,
never was very religious.
All this happened in a day,
hoping soon to find a way.
Things could get no worse,
drug overdose, put you in a hearse.
Just another lost soul,
who had no self control.

Evil
Look inside my evil eyes,
you can see your demise.
Nothing but torture and pain,
clusters clog my evil brain.
Look inside my evil mind,
want to destroy all mankind.
Burn down every city,
I will show no **** pity.
Killing people just for fun,
maybe a knife, maybe a gun.
There is no one more evil,
on your ***, I'm going medieval.
Every human will slowly die,
no people left to cry.
I get more strong with each ****,
Enjoying all the blood, I spill.
Evil is what evil does,
I do this just because.
All animals I eat as food,
walking tall in the ****.
Blood and *****, all I drink,
am I evil, I sure do think.
No more humans left alive,
only I will survive.
Now I live in total darkness,
evil religion made me heartless.
Evil is my middle name,
I was born to play this game.

Naked

Found naked on the streets,
cuffs on my hands and feet.
They wouldn't give me any clothes,
couldn't even pick my own **** nose.
Walked naked to the police station,
two miles of total frustration.
One hour of pure hell,
I'm hot, sticky and I really smell.
People laughing from their front yard,
I looked like an unstable ******.
***** bouncing left to right,
my big ***** should be held every night.
***** flopping up and down,
not even sure the name of the town.
They don't even give me reason,
maybe it's naked man in street season.
Police station filled with reporters,
my ***** has never been shorter.
Hundreds of flashes before my eyes,
I see my mom, nervous as she cries.
I was arrested for **** street sleeping,
millions of people are now peeping.
I got booked and thrown in the slammer,
somebody please, hit my head with a hammer.
They actually even threw away the key,
how dare they do this to someone like me.
Don't they know who I am,
this must be some kind of sham.
I'm only the most famous man in America,
not some cheap imitation replica.
I hope no one gives me an Allen *****,
then I won't know what to do.
No phone call or allowed any bail,
looks like I'm stuck in this ****** jail.
After a week I was finally let go,
I was the star of some sick reality show.

Alone

Just one simple paycheck away,
never saved money for that rainy day.
Now I'm walking down the street,
begging you for food to eat.
Haven't shaved in a week,
looking like a bearded freak.
If you drive by, throw me a dime,
I ain't got nothing but time.
Built a fort in a tree,
wishing I had some lsd.
Clothes are torn, body covered in dirt,
I sure could use a brand new shirt.
I use leaves to wipe my ***,
stay away from that brown grass.
I take a shower when it rains,
with no soap, the dirt remains.
Looking for some needed assistance,
my life never had any kind of consistence.
I eat worms, I eat bugs,
I'd rather have some illegal drugs.
All I drink is animal blood,
my fort got washed away by a flood.
Now I walk the streets alone,
fighting dogs for their juicy bone.
I have no weapons to **** a mammal,
if you saw me on tv, you'd turn the channel.
Getting weaker by the day,
clouds over me are always grey.
Then one day I met you,
ripped her to pieces and made a stew.
Ate clam chowder for half a year,
she was fat and I showed no fear.
Me not knowing she had aids,
wishing now I had some razor blades.
Knowing soon, I'm about to die,
for my pathetic life, please don't cry.
Should have picked an animal with rabies,
cause I never was good with the ladies.

This Girl Of Mine

Clothes get thrown to the floor,
at this point we can't take no more.
I got style, I got grace,
when my girl sits on my face.
I have the moves that drive her wild,
you should see the way she smiled.
Kisses from head to toe,
foreplay should be nice and slow.
With my tongue, I don't miss a spot,
never once have I missed her slot.
Starts with a kiss, than a massage,
we even don't mind an entourage.
Puts her mouth over my stick,
open wide cause it's very thick.
We don't need to watch any ****,
just an over-sized shoe horn.
It starts with her on top,
keep going baby and never stop.
Loves when her ******* are squeezed,
lucky for us we're not diseased.
Pounding hard with all our might,
*** is better after a big fight.
Bed is rocking and about to break,
must be quieter or the kids will wake.
Then it's time for *******,
smacking that *** for awhile.
Pulling her hair, till it hurts,
this girl of mine has the squirts.
Bed is soak and wet,
and no it isn't from sweat.
Screaming my name for an hour,
I'm like God, but with more power.
I can feel my knees getting weak,
this girl of mine is such a freak.
Body is shaking, and turning Japanese,
she is screaming hurry please.
Then came the big explosion,
if I was a ******, I'd deserve a promotion.
Then we lay in bed and cuddle,
first I get a towel, for the giant puddle.
Holding her tight, till she falls asleep,
this girl of mine, I'm gonna keep.

Sacrifice

Ten naked virgins tied to ten trees,
five men surround a fire on their knees.
Chanting versus from a satanic book,
twelve year old girls, these men took.
Ten families missing their daughter,
all for some devil worshiping slaughter.
With duct tape covering their mouth,
this could only happen in the south.
Their eyes were crazy glued shut,
these are ten girls that will never be a ****.
Each girl gets doused with gasoline,
how can five men be so mean.
This ritual is their strong belief,
the feelings they have spell relief.
Can't blame this on heavy metal,
just five guys who are a bit mental.
One by one each tree starts to burn,
in their minds, a lesson they must learn.
The ritual is called trial by fire,
melting of their skin and the wire.
The burning girls fall to the ground,
the five men hold hands and gather round.
As the duct tape starts to melt,
the pain these ten girls must have felt.
The men kept chanting and carrying on,
Let's meet Dave, Mark, Mike, Pete and Shawn.
Five brothers who lived with each other,
learned about this from their mother.
She was a witch and very evil,
flew around more than Mr. Knievel.
One day she taught them about the sacrifice,
to do it right, you can't be suffice.
Everything must go according to plan,
to find these girls the globe you must scan.
They all must live in different countries,
their fathers must be leaders of big companies.
They all must be born on the same day,
then on the day of my death, the ten girls you slay.
Ten long years of nothing but research,
no one ever knew, they even went to church.
When their mother got sick, they kidnapped the girls,
around their necks, they got special pearls.
They picked out the perfect location,
this wont be a funeral, but a celebration.
Then it happened the mother died,
within minutes the girls were getting tied.
This sacrifice will make mother once again rise,
a flaming flesh sort of baptize.
Something was wrong this wasn't working,
some other evil must be lurking.
All these girls were definitely a ******,
but one used to be a boy, until he met an evil surgeon.

Right Said Allen

I'm too hot for you, too hot for you,
so hot that your ***** are turning blue.
I'm too hot for my pants, too hot for my pants,
so hot that I can melt all the ants.
I'm too hot for this shirt, too hot for this shirt,
so hot that I have have to wear a skirt.
I'm too hot for my hair, too hot for my hair,
so hot that all the men and women stare.
I'm too hot for my car, too hot for my car,
so hot that people consider me a rock star.
I'm too hot for my words, too hot for my words,
so hot that I talk about myself in thirds.
I'm too hot for my house, too hot for my house,
so hot that I will never need a spouse.
I'm a poet, you know what I mean,
so **** funny, I ruptured my spleen.
Too many pages, I have to turn,
I turn them so fast, they start to burn.
I'm too hot for my dog, too hot for my dog,
so hot that when I kissed it, turned into a frog.
I'm too hot for my cat, too hot for my cat,
so hot that the ***** went flat.
I'm too hot for this poem, too hot for this poem,
so hot for London, Paris and even Rome.
I'm a poet and you know what I mean,
more of a winner than Charlie Sheen.
I'm too hot for this page, too hot for this page,
so hot that I belong on the big stage.
I'm too hot for a friend, too hot for a friend,
so hot that this is finally the end.

Ex Friend
as I look into your eyes
I see through your brilliant disguise
you think you're better than me
stinging people like a bee
once you were a good friend
but that was all just pretend
then you pulled a double cross
made me hotter than Tabasco sauce
you stole my girl and my pride
you even broke my unbreakable stride
I went out and bought a gun
figuring killing you, would be fun
shot you til you were dead
loved watching your exploding head
chopped you up in little bits
in my shoe box, you now fits

Blank Stare

No response to the question,
dumbfounded was the impression.
Not one word or even a nod,
just sat there looking odd.
Maybe a cat got the tongue,
from the chair expected a sprung.
Nothing but a blank stare,
it was like no one was there.
Not words heard very often,
maybe tired from exhaustion.
Eyes wouldn't even blink,
soon in it had to sink.
Just frozen like a cube of ice,
said it once, said it twice.
A body just stuck in motion,
like being hypnotized by a potion.
Tried everything but couldn't move,
the condition would not improve.
Not even a gasp for air,
like no oxygen left to spare.
Maybe dead, maybe alive,
not even c.p.r. would revive.
Couldn't see a soul escape,
should be covered by a drape.
Something strange here is happening,
this whole time, I was talking to a mannequin.

Laura

My woman thinks she's the best,
will admit she's better than the rest.
Took a bus, traveled a thousand miles,
she brightens my darkest days, when she smiles.
Like all couples we tend to fight,
but we always make up, before we say goodnight.
She's funny, **** and very smart,
she even laughs when I ****.
They say good things happen to those who wait,
when we first met she opened my flood gate.
Her and my kids are all I got,
being with her puts my stomach in a knot.
I like movies, she likes books,
no other woman has better looks.
She likes alternative, I like heavy metal,
she hates when I act crazy and mental.
All that matters is that we love each other,
her kids love their awesome mother.
Nothing for her I wouldn't do,
she has beautiful eyes that are blue.
We are two crazy people who fell in love,
she is a great woman, I will never get sick of.
Keeping it clean, I wont mention are *** life,
someday soon, she will be my lovely wife.
She would do anything for her family,
even if it defies the laws of gravity.
She has one magic touch,
in conclusion, I love her very much.

In A World

In a world filled with danger,
everyone feels like a stranger.
In a world that's so chaotic,
everyone seems so neurotic.
People are drunk, ****** or popping pills,
they don't even care about paying bills.
In a world filled with disease,
we need something to put our minds at ease.
In a world where no one cares,
maybe I'm just splitting hairs.
Too much ******, too much ****,
is there any kind of escape.
Too many children getting molested,
not enough criminals getting arrested.
In a world filled with pain,
everyone is going madly insane.
In a world filled with suicide and depression,
all because of this extra long recession.
Too many rich, too many poor,
I've lost count of the score.
Too much violence, not enough ***,
what in the world will happen next.
In a world filled with darkness,
most of us feel so unconscious.
In a world filled with senseless shooting,
only good people, I am recruiting.
Is there anyone left pure and good,
if there isn't, well there should.
Follow me to the promise land.
together we all can make a stand.
In a world filled with peace,
poverty and crime will slowly decrease.
In a world filled with love,
together the bad things we can dispose of.

Never Ending

Here's a story without an ending,
contradicting, complex, complicated and condescending.
Born into a world of hate,
everyone's shoulder has so much weight.
Don't know whether to live or die,
can't decide rather to laugh or cry.
Do your best to support the family,
trying with all your might to keep the sanity.
Go to school and maybe college,
on the streets you learn most your knowledge.
Get a job and save some money,
then you end up filing for bankruptcy.
Running around in a constant circle,
always jumping over some kind of hurdle.
Life and death is just a cycle,
like a novel with no title.
You retire at a certain age,
after a life of minimum wage.
Some drink, smoke or eat to much,
it's hard to find that magical touch.
We take pills for pain and depression,
not all answers require a question.
Maybe all we need is to be loved,
tired of getting pushed and shoved.
No one really knows how we got here,
like the dinosaurs, we someday might disappear.
Not sure about you, but I like living,
or maybe we're all dead and just dreaming.
National disasters are so unpredictable,
mother nature can be so unforgivable.
This is the story in a nut shell,
sometimes living is pure hell.
It's up to us to make it better,
life is a riddle wrapped in an adventure.

Bad Day
today was a bad day
I'd like to forget
so much anger
so much regret
I lied to you
I lied to me
god threw away
my church key
I cheated on
my best girl
feel so bad
I could hurl
she punched me
in the face
I deserved it
I'm a disgrace
now my eye
is black and blue
she broke my jaw
now I can't chew
never have I been
more embarrassed
had to move in
with my parents

Weeble Wobble
Got no arms, got no legs,
in my holes, people place pegs.
Got no ears, got no nose,
made special are my clothes.
Got no eyes, got no hair,
only my *******, come in a pair.
Got no teeth, got no tongue,
I only got one **** lung.
I'm a Weeble Wobble that is flimsy,
I *** a lot with only one kidney.
My belly button, is how I ***,
my life *****, you must agree.
Got no *****, got no *****,
a Weeble Wobble never falls.
Wear a special diaper for my ****,
all I can eat is tomato soup.
Got a nurse to feed, bathe and wipe,
she also helps me hold my peace pipe.
People think I'm a geek,
a helpless ******* and a freak.
I'm forever wheelchair bound,
Weeble Wobbles are always round.
I ride a bus made for a ****,
hang me on the wall, and call me art.