Ax To Grind

Blood dripping from the eye,
looks like Jesus starting to cry.
I stabbed you with a screwdriver,
blood gushing like a geyser.
Cut off your ears with some scissors,
blood flowing just like rivers.
Took a hacksaw to your nose,
felt so good, used it on tour toes.
I cut off your fingers with garden shears,
they were twenty bucks at the local Sears.
Chopped of your head with my ax,
I'm from the IRS, and you paid no tax,
We don't care if you have no money,
continue not paying and people become ******.
Burning crosses in your front yard,
I'm a white boy and kind of a ******.
When you run out of your house,
your home gets a gasoline douse.
In white robes we walk the street,
we sure hate the dark meat.
We're grinding the ole ax,
we're KKK and hunting blacks.
The problem is they fight back,
so we just give them some killer crack.
Blood dripping from the heart,
dragged the carcass to the local mart.
Hunting animals is what I do,
then I cook them in my famous stew.
Whether a shotgun or bow and arrow,
could be a bear or a helpless sparrow.
Sometimes a dog, sometimes a cat,
maybe a mouse, maybe a cat.
I'm a hunter on the loose,
how I love to **** a moose.
I use the skins as a rug,
I just killed an annoying bug.
I use my trusty ax to chop off their head,
now they hang above my king sized bed.
How I love to use my awesome ax,
whether for the IRS, hunting or torturing blacks.

Cliche

Life ***** then you die,
try and laugh, no need to cry.
Everyday is a new beginning,
can't keep my head from spinning.
Life's a journey, not a destination,
waiting for my train at the local station.
Same ole ****, different day,
always do things your own way.
Don't you hate when that happens,
food on face, with no napkins.
Try walking in someone else's shoes,
it doesn't really matter who's.
Don't worry, be happy,
no need to be snappy.
Always do as your told,
that cliche is getting old.
Another day, another dollar,
midgets are people too, just smaller.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you,
unless of course it's filled with poo.
You can't always get what you want,
but when you do, always flaunt.
Every rose has its thorn,
why does **** look like corn.
Find the light at the end of the tunnel,
I badly want a mistletoe belt buckle.
Don't know what you got, till it's gone,
if you got brains, you don't need brawn.
Love will find a way,
I once heard a band say.
Fame is only fifteen minutes long,
where you're at, is where you belong.
Friends come and friends go,
but it's family, you will always watch grow.
There is always a mountain, you must climb,
everyone will commit at least one crime.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it,
if you have a son, buy him a baseball mitt.
Only believe in what you see,
bad things always happen in three.
Don't always believe what you hear or read,
red blood, is what we all bleed.
Knock, knock who's there,
before you open, please beware.
Knick, knack, paddy, whack,
all girls love a good *** smack.
Money don't grow on trees,
in life there are no guarantees.

Deaths Of 2013

My third year doing this.

Paul Walker, Texas ranger,
driving fast leads to danger.
Matt Osbourne was Doink The Clown,
Paul Bearer always wore a frown.
Dennis Farina and James Gandolfini,
always played a mobster meany.
Peter O'Toole, famous actor,
Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher.
President Nelson Mandela,
Dennis Burkley, was a famous fat actor fella.
Lou Reed, is now on the wild side,
took all the colored girls for a ride.
Conrad Bain and Bonnie Franklin,
tv actors who had white skin.
Paul Blair and Stan The Man,
playing baseball, when they can.
Marcia Wallace and Lisa Robin Kelly,
both had ***** that bounced like jelly.
Tom Clancy wrote famous books,
not much on having good looks.
Cory Montieth and Patti Page,
one died young, other of old age.
Jean Stapleton, was Edith Bunker,
Archie always put her in the dumper.
Pat Summerall and Deacon Jones,
played football and broke some bones.
Dr. Joyce Brothers and Pauline Phillips,
they both gave good and bad tips.
Ray Manzarek, from The Doors,
Jeff Hanneman knew all Slayers chords.
Chrissy Amphlett, liked to touch herself,
Caleb Moore's trophies are on his shelf.
Mindy McCready and George Jones,
both hit those country tones.
Chris Kelly from Kris Kross,
Ed Koch is a New York loss.
David Frost and Roger Ebert,
always had words to insert.
Anneitte Funicello from Mickey Mouse Club,
Eydie Gorme almost got a snub.
Jonathan Winters, was very funny,
to come from Mork's egg, made him money.
If you don't know who these people are,
look them up, internet not very far.
For the ones that I missed,
please don't get to ******.

Forgot

Forgot about you, forgot about me,
I even forgot how to ***.
Forgot about birds, forgot about bees,
I even forgot how to say please.
Forgot about about hate, forgot about shame,
I even forgot my own name.
Forgot the last time, I was happy,
maybe I'm mean, maybe I'm snappy.
Living a life in the dark,
above my head is a question mark.
All I want is to be left alone,
I forgot the last time, I got blown.
It's not Alzheimer's, it's not amnesia,
maybe I'm still under the anesthesia.
Forgot about ***, forgot about ****,
I even forgot the day, I was born.
Forgot about peace, forgot about war,
forgot the difference between a ceiling and a floor.
Forgot about pain, forgot about suffering,
I even forgot why I was hurting.
Something happened inside my brain,
no one seems to want to explain.
Forgot about truth, forgot about lies,
I even forgot how to improvise.
Forgot what is hot, forgot what is cold,
I even forgot everything, I was ever told.
Forgot about life, forgot about love,
I even forgot all of the above.
So many things still left unsaid,
but I forgot that I'm already dead.

Potpourri

Getting deceived
nothing received
loving destruction
covered in corruption
been slowly choking
words already spoken
ticking time bomb
dying in Vietnam
everyone is confused
difficult to get amused
laying in bed crying
wishing to be dying
wondering how and when
every now and again
going, going gone
trying desperately to hang on
no more power
time to devour
take total control
dig deep into soul
always a way
no need to pay
lost then found
silence now sound
flirt with disaster
become your own master
take a risky chance
not at first glance
grin and bare it
make everything fit
try and understand
nothing is planned
have a good day
all I can say.

Friends

Friends stop and stare,
I wonder if they even care.
Ones you thought were friends,
end up being just trends.
Moving on to better things,
lets see what tomorrow brings.
Some friends you think are the best,
all their drama just leave you stressed.
Most friends just pass you by,
even on the show they all said goodbye.
No one likes friends that are fake,
their more slippery than a snake.
Friends may come and friends may go,
its always money that they owe.
A once best friend is now an enemy,
its usually because of some kind of jealousy.
Some friends sleep with someone you love,
shoot them twice, then carefully dispose of.
Some friends from school you never see again,
they moved away to their new domain.
Some friends will last forever,
will stand behind you on every endeavor.
Most friends you can not trust,
even knowing you think you must.
No matter how big the fight,
true friends will make it alright.
Your best friend is usually your lover,
some friends you may never discover.
A real friend will stand by your side,
not run off and pretend to hide.
I've had so many friends, I can't even a count,
it doesn't matter the number or the amount.
Friends you have today, could be a foe tomorrow,
they leave you swimming in a sea of sorrow.
I'm very thankful for my friends, now and from the past,
with each other, I've had a blast.
Even the ones that did me wrong,
one way or another, you once did belong.
I've learned something from each one,
some friendships have not yet begun.

Random Sentences

Everyday people will die,
for a moment, you might cry,
but as yourself why.
Celebrate their life, don't mourn,
think of all the new being born,
life or death, millions are torn.
Earth rotates around the sun,
just try to have some fun,
no fork in me, I'm far from done.
I have yet to get going,
like a strong wind blowing,
the future is always unknowing.
Be yourself, don't be fake,
no one likes a sneaky snake,
open your eyes, it's time to wake.
Smell the flowers, smell the coffee,
unlock your powers, don't be so bossy,
climb those towers, no need for a posse.
Nightmares used to haunt my every move,
no more fears left to prove,
my dreams are starting to improve.
No clue what I'm saying,
don't believe in any praying,
my life, I'm happily portraying.
None of us know the truth,
about how we wasted our youth,
can't remember last time, I saw a telephone booth.
No creative writer is better than me,
I even write, while I take a ***,
you're lying if you don't agree.
My haters are just jealous,
I like being so rebellious,
love being so overzealous.
Way too much pollution,
no one has any solution,
that will be my final conclusion.

Legalize it

Sitting down jamming to Van Halen,
maybe flying, but more like sailing.
Smoked, maybe just a little bud,
whatever it was, certainly not a dud.
This visuals are out of sight,
best thing that happened, all **** night.
Lose yourself in a guitar solo,
nobody leads, we all just follow.
In own house, forget where you are,
this journey has gone a bit to far.
Air guitar is losing its touch,
maybe smoked a bit to much.
Also had a bit to drink,
hard now to even think.
Just legalize it already,
no more cutting corners like Freddy.
Tax the the living hell of of it,
soon after, no more deficit.
Side effects include, fun and joy,
brain cells get a temporary destroy.
Cotton mouth and the munchies,
no more wars in foreign countries.
Laziness and blood shot eye,
but at no time will you die.
Some drowsiness and falling asleep,
but to ****** to remember how many sheep.
May lead to other drugs,
or even getting naked hugs.
When legalized, I'd be first in line,
only then will life fully shine.

Fight Club
Kicking *** and taking names,
laying ground work and staking claims.
One punch and down you go,
all it takes is one fatal blow.
****** fists and a broken nose,
wearing spikes and stomping toes.
****** lip and two black eyes,
getting kicked between the thighs.
You only lose if you tap,
make me bleed, and watch me snap.
Haven't lost a single fight,
don't matter if you're black or white.
We have over a thousand members,
all takes place in chained chambers.
Do you think you have what it takes,
no time outs, or any breaks.
No Edward Norton or Brad Pitt,
no need for a fighting permit.
This fight club has no rules,
I love kicking in the family jewels.
You fight friends, you fight foes,
that's just the way it goes.
Come join our exclusive fight club,
just don't forget your ticket stub.

Aliens

No more birds, no more trees,
no more begging on the knees.
No more sun, no more moon,
it all happened on the sixth of June.
Aliens decide to attack,
they ate people like a Big Mac.
All buildings turn to rubble,
aliens hit the daily double.
No more animals, no more people,
not even a cockroach or a beetle.
Only darkness lingers over,
aliens became Earths new owner.
It only took a hundred years,
the sun suddenly reappears.
One man rose from the darkness,
no more did he have blindness.
Killed all aliens one by one,
lucky for him, he found a machine gun.
Now this man stands alone,
his whereabouts are now unknown.
Took a spaceship and is now missing,
looking for a new planet, to go fishing.
When ever there is injustice on a planet,
evil alien killer, is his talent.
This new movie,
comes out the sixth of June,
the first starting time,
will be at high noon.

Calender Girls

Miss January, keeps me very warm,
make me glad, that I was born.
Miss February, covers me from snow,
oh man, can she really blow.
Miss March, knows her wrong from right,
never had a *****, so **** tight.
Miss April, is a famous **** star,
she likes to take things a bit to far.
Miss May, gives me an all day smile,
all month long, we walk the mile.
Miss June, looks good in Daisy Dukes,
I'm waiting on the line of Bo's and Luke's.
Miss July, blows me a birthday kiss,
she likes to hold it while I ****.
Miss August, wears a bikini thong,
then we smoke a big fat ****.
Miss September, wears a back to school skirt,
not sure if she even owns a shirt.
Miss October, likes to trick or treat,
her body tastes oh so sweet.
Miss November, lets me fill her turkey with stuffing,
at first I thought she might be bluffing.
Miss December, likes to sit on my lap,
her sweet ***, I like to slap.
I love, I love, I love my calender girls,
triplets with the youngest one in curls.
I love my calender, that hangs on my wall,
it makes my ***** stand so tall.
Even though it's all my imagination,
my train always leaves the station.

Rhyming Is My Business

Working on a secret mission,
brain in unstable condition,
don't believe in superstition,
will charge for admission.
Life flashing before my eyes,
tongue tied between her thighs,
maggots soon become flies,
my ***** is the perfect size.
I am number one,
writing is just for fun,
never will I own a gun,
life has just begun.
I'm my own best friend,
friends and family, I will defend,
texted you, but forgot to send,
my funeral, I will attend.
Sometimes I need a helping hand,
life never goes as planned,
Facebook is becoming bland,
nothing beats a good hair band.
****** is a bad addiction,
why is fact called nonfiction,
dying is not a prediction,
life is just a contradiction.
With me you're in awe,
it's just an unwritten law,
never miss Monday Night Raw,
when I don't write, you go through withdraw.
I am just the very best,
to hell with all the rest,
nothing beats a woman's chest,
knowing me, you should be blessed.

*******

Wouldn't change a thing, even if I could,
when I see her, I always sport a wood.
She is so very fine,
seeing her puts me on cloud nine.
Best *** I have ever seen,
hard to believe she is still a teen.
Between he thighs is the Bermuda triangle,
I get lost, but its something I can handle.
Smoothest skin you'll ever feel,
got turned down, but I applied for an appeal.
Hair is down to her ankles,
have to be careful when I light candles.
Our relationship is one of love and hate,
every topic is a heated debate.
She only likes me for my third leg,
to get her, I must always beg.
Our age difference doesn't matter,
I'm always on deck, to be the next batter.
She is not even old enough to drink,
but on the inside, its always pink.
She calls me her sugar daddy,
I always end up being her caddy.
She cheats on me every chance she gets,
but I still have no bitter regrets.
She moved in and steals all my money,
but she is more sweet than any kind of honey.
She is the most sexiest stripper,
I will always be the biggest tipper.
Then one day she was gone,
she used me just like a pawn.
She took my money and stole my new car,
she is now the biggest **** star.
The ***** never did pay me back,
now she is addicted to ****** and crack.
Tracked her down and got her rehabilitated,
she is now truly vindicated.
She lost the devil and found god,
well that's what she calls me, when riding my rod.
It truly is good to be the king,
she's now my queen, not just an expensive fling.

Thimble

Darkness rises from beneath,
small, ugly and has no teeth.
Crawls out from the slime,
gets more creepy each time.
Only happens once a year,
one long day makes a career.
Wanders out and wonders why,
one day is one day to shy.
Determined to make a day two,
this isn't Horton hearing a Who.
This is one mean creature,
you student, it teacher.
Only the size of a thimble,
has no name just a symbol.
Dug a hole through the pond,
it's like a miniature James Bond.
Rules the pond like no other,
looking for his missing mother.
Interviewing anything swimming,
dodging every single skimmer.
As the puddle starts to sink,
not an inch or a drop to drink.
A whirlpool circles in center,
into the whole that it enter.
Back down into its hole,
one day a year, it will patrol.

Darkness rises from beneath,
small, ugly and has no teeth.
Crawls out from the slime,
gets more creepy each time.
Only happens once a year,
one long day makes a career.
Wanders out and wonders why,
one day is one day to shy.
Determined to make a day two,
this isn't Horton hearing a Who.
This is one mean creature,
you student, it teacher.
Only the size of a thimble,
has no name just a symbol.
Dug a hole through the pond,
it's like a miniature James Bond.
Rules the pond like no other,
looking for his missing mother.
Interviewing anything swimming,
dodging every single skimmer.
As the puddle starts to sink,
not an inch or a drop to drink.
A whirlpool circles in center,
into the whole that it enter.
Back down into its hole,
one day a year, it will patrol.

Death Threat

Hello ***** prepare to die,
you know the reasons and the why.
Your life, I plan on taking,
this is no joke, I'm not mistaking.
I hate your ******* guts,
when arrested, they will think I'm nuts.
Chop you up into little pieces,
then send them to all your favorite nieces.
Say goodbye to everyone you know,
because pretty soon your blood will flow.
You took my soul, heart and my pride,
now I will have to run and hide.
You took my clothes, food and my money,
stop laughing *****, this **** ain't funny.
You took my house, car and my boat,
revenge will be mine, that you can quote.
You took my drugs, beer and my pills,
I'm going through withdrawal and getting the chills.
You took everything that I own,
your mind is about to be blown.
I now live in the street,
people in cars throw me food to eat.
It get kinda cold late at night,
this is my death threat to you, that I write.
I'm at the point of no return,
a cruel lesson you must learn.
I hope you enjoy these last few hours,
your grave will deserve no flowers.

Big Daddy

They call me big daddy,
two soft buns with an extra long patty.
Bacon, lettuce, tomato with extra mayonnaise,
women say it's the latest craze.
Tastes so good, it melts in your mouth,
I just love when a girl goes down south.
A foot long hot dog with a bulging vein,
there is no one higher on the food chain.
Some use ketchup, some use mustard,
either way it comes out custard.
Whipped cream with a cherry on top,
if you're a ******, I'll give you a pop.
They call me big daddy,
it's so big, I had to hire a caddy.
I put all **** stars to shame,
they're not even playing the right game.
Even a loose girl feels so tight,
women think I'm black, but I'm really white.
I can't wear shorts it hangs so low,
my third eye just loves to grow.
They call me big daddy,
all my pants are extra baggy.
Girls pay me just for a look,
it's more thick than the New York City phone book.
Don't be jealous that it's so big,
women hire me for their *** toy gig.
Mom must have had a three way,
with John Holmes and Nick The ****,
girls pay me just for a lick.
They call me big daddy,
I've had every girl in Cincinnati.
Sorry to say but this story is fiction,
brought on by my sudden *** addiction.

Evil Tales

So you think, you know who I am,
I killed Mary, and ate her little lamb.
I killed Goldilocks and ate the three bears,
then dumped the porridge down the stairs.
I pushed Humpty Dumpty off that wall,
I'm the reason for his great fall.
I'm the one who killed Bambi's mother,
that deer tasted like no other.
I put the poison in Snow White's apple,
the blood from the seven dwarfs,
I put in every red Snapple.
I chopped off all of Rapunzel's hair,
yes I know that wasn't fair.
I'm the father of Cinderella's step sisters,
after midnight I gave her some cold sore blisters.
I put Sleeping Beauty fast asleep,
then ran her over in my new Jeep.
Georgie Porgie kissed the girls and made them cry,
that is the reason, he had to die.
Little Miss Muffet ate her curds and whey,
it was my spider who had a Muffet buffet.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
I pushed Jack down and gave Jill a thrill.
Little Red Riding Hood went to Grandma's house,
then the big bad Allen pulled up her red blouse.
The Three Little Pigs never had a chance,
I huffed and puffed and ate pork til I **** my pants.
This old man, he played one,
knick, knack, paddy whack,
then my dog ate his thumb,
There was an Old Woman who lived in a shoe,
then one day, I filled it with crazy glue.
I killed Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy,
inside my head is very, very scary.

People Beware

I'm toothless,
I'm ruthless.
I'm out of control,
I have no heart, I have no soul.
I will do whatever I please,
I'm sarcastic, and I like to tease.
I'm narcissistic,
I'm pessimistic.
I live in sin,
I'm out to win.
I will lie, cheat and steal,
all the girls, I make squeal.
I'm awesome,
I'm gruesome.
Horror movies make me laugh,
love watching actors get cut in half.
Some love me, some hate me,
either way, I'm always free.
I'm conceited,
I'm depleted.
Better keep out of my way,
don't trust me, I will betray.
I have a warped sense of humor,
it's all true, what they rumor.
I'm ****,
I'm numb.
I have no feelings,
all my secrets, I'm concealing.
Most of you are just jealous,
no one is more rebellious.
I'm eccentric,
I'm electric.
No one is more crazy,
girls think that I'm tasty.
All people better beware,
for what I'm about to prepare.

Hairy Woman

Begging and pleading,
and wanting more,
her body is all I adore.
Hair down to her knees,
me asking pretty please.
Kissing her head to toe,
her hair will always grow.
Her body, I love to massage,
it deserves an entourage.
Lips so red and juicy,
me just a local groupie.
Eyes are a perfect blue,
I'm sticky, just like glue.
Running my fingers, through hair,
takes over an hour,
how the hell, does she even shower.
More hair than cousin It,
I wipe your *** when you ****.
Don't shave legs or arm pits,
hair even grows from her ****.
Need a **** whacker for that bush,
it's me around, you like to push.
How I love her hairy ***,
you hold the title for passing gas.
Dandruff, you have plenty of,
but yet, I'm still in love.
Prettiest face you'll ever see,
in her hair is plenty of old ***.
Big Foot is alive and white,
she's so big, she blocks the light.
It's all good, I don't care,
she's so hot, this I swear.
When I go out, she must stay home,
must brush her hair, can't use a comb.
When she leaves the house, people laugh,
her neck is the size of a giant giraffe.
The *** drives me so wild,
she's a left over 60's flower child.
Not even sure if she is human,
how I love my hairy woman.

The ****
has *** with any man
does it anywhere she can
in a bed, in a car
she goes deep, she goes far
searching in every state
til she finds her soul mate
haven't had my turn yet
waiting for her private jet
loves *** in any style
even in a church aisle
she is one famous ****
loves goo on her gut
she does it here,
she does it there
she will do it anywhere
in a bar or in a truck
this **** just loves to ****
not a lifestyle I'd condone
but every dog needs a bone

Just Say No

I'm a wacko
who smokes tobacco
I'm a skunk
who's always drunk
I'm a loner
who's a stoner
I'm very black
and I smoke crack
name is Beth
who smokes ****
I love drugs
who hates hugs
I drink whiskey
I drink beer
I can be straight
I can be queer
when I snort coke
people call me a joke
I watch movies in the dark
I like to trip in the park
rehab didn't do a thing
drugs are my latest fling
popping lots of pills
yes I know, that speed kills
shooting ****** in my arm
waiting till I bite the farm
don't you dare, try and stop me
or on you I'll take a ***
I ****, shower than I shave
hoping for an early grave

Five Personalities

First one is very mean,
runs down people in his car,
shoots anyone walking the streets,
gets drunk and beats his family for fun.
Second one is sometimes depressed,
cries all day, cries all night,
too afraid, can't leave home,
paranoid to the extreme.
Third one is god like,
not a thing he can't do,
knows answers to every question,
snaps his finger, girls come running.
Forth one is dumb and ******,
can't remember his own name,
smokes all day, smokes all night,
stupid is what stupid does.
Fifth one is a puppy dog,
barks at knocks on the door,
licks his water on all fours,
****** and poops in the back yard.
No medicine can help his cause,
too unstable to stand trial.
Lives in a mental institution,
wears a strait jacket til he dies.

Appreciated

Talked a lot for two long years,
shared some laughs, shared some tears.
Talked on phone, Facebook and Skype,
you lived up to all the hype.
Counted the days, til we met,
you are one hot brunette.
We fell in love instantly,
we're going down in history.
We make one hell of a couple,
every night, we love to snuggle.
You work all night and day,
while I just sit home and play.
You support, all that I go through,
you don't know how much I appreciate you.
We hug each other when we're sad,
calm each other down, when we're mad.
We laugh at each others jokes,
on Facebook, we give each other pokes.
Sticking together through thick and thin,
meeting you was my greatest win.
I cherish every moment together,
we ride out all sorts of weather.
I guess what I'm trying to say,
I love you each and every way.

Day Of The Deadly Living

Nine to five, is what you work,
both kids, think you're a ****.
Wife never wants ***,
not a phone call or even a text.
Same job for ten long years,
bills are in arrears.
At diner, no one talks,
empty is your money box.
Staying together til kids turn eighteen,
bad movie you'd never want put on screen.
What a very depressing life,
dead now, thanks to a knife.
Sometimes life is unforgiving,
day of the deadly living.
Working graveyard shift at a factory,
coming home alone is unsatisfactory.
No wife, no girlfriend or even a *******,
just Rosie, and Tara his blow up doll.
Watching **** on the old laptop,
its been so long, you need a mop.
Couldn't get laid, even in a ***** house,
up your ***, you once stuck a mouse.
No friends, neighbors hate you,
all because they know, you knew.
This poor guy never has no fun,
dead now, thanks to a gun.
His family died on Thanksgiving,
day of the deadly living.
College by day, at night a stripper,
no candy jar, can't be a dipper.
Only sleeps two hours a day,
all night long men stalk their prey.
Started snorting *******,
gave up college, for a room of champagne.
Now she is a coke *****,
opens her legs, more than you open a door.
She had no problem, just an addiction,
a lost girl, with no direction.
Blood gushing from the nose,
dead now, thanks to an overdose.
Three holes I'm regrettably digging,
day of the deadly living.

Bone Loan

Like always I'm sitting home,
my hair, I'm giving a quick comb.
Girls call me on the phone,
always knowing, that I'm alone.
They only call for just one thing,
I stare at my phone, waiting for that ring.
They always call begging for money,
saying please and calling me honey.
I don't ask or care what it's for,
they always know, it's time to be my *****.
They think about it, but the answer is always yes,
hundreds of girls know my address.
It doesn't matter how much they need,
they're hungry and I got the right feed.
The girls that call never change their mind,
they only call when their in a major bind.
When they arrive, they tell me a price,
I have six positions on my lucky dice.
I'm so generous, I let them roll,
to break the ice, we smoke a bowl.
We talk, we laugh we get undressed,
life is fun being on house arrest.
Now their money they must earn,
I'm the sugar daddy, and their butter I churn.
Before they get their money, first they must moan,
this is what I like to call my famous bone loan.

Happy Halloween

Trick or treats at the front door,
give them candy, but they want more.
I put poison in their candy bar,
razors in their apple will leave a scar.
Tired of hearing, the ringing of my bell,
all these **** kids can go to hell.
Putting tacks in their Milky Way,
don't they know candy causes tooth decay.
Even with the lights off, they still knock,
I hate every kid on this **** block.
I give them lint from my dryer,
their stupid costumes, I light on fire.
I put pennies in their pillow case,
some kids so ugly, don't need masks on face.
I smile at their moms, standing on the sidewalk,
all the hot ones, I can't help but gawk.
When they say trick or treat,
I make them lick my smelly feet.
Putting pins in their Baby Ruth,
no longer will they have a sweet tooth.
Putting nails in their peanut butter Twix,
I have a big bag filled with rotten tricks.
I put Anthrax in their Snickers,
on the Kit Kat i cover with chiggers.
Three Musketeers are filled with staples,
Butterfingers have splinters from wooden tables.
Naughty kids get a bag of my ****,
from the toilet, that I often sit.
Maybe next year they will learn,
or I'll give them ashes from their parents urn.
Sometimes I scare them and make them beg,
their so scared, you can see *** running down their leg.
I've even given left overs from the fridge,
all the maggots make their bodies twitch.
Next Halloween, if I'm not in jail,
I will urinate in every candy pail.

Earth In Reverse

Suddenly I get confused,
feeling like I'm mentally bruised.
Always none the wiser,
tears gushing like a geyser.
Brain cells dying by the dozen,
having *** with a cousin.
****** is the latest thing,
brother and sister having a fling.
Mom and son, dad and daughter,
contaminated is all the water.
Earth is now spinning backwards,
trees are shrinking and no more birds.
Crime at an all time high,
hot in January, cold in July.
Sunrise in west, sunset in east,
no more beauty, only beast.
Islands in the ocean are now gone,
no more money to be withdrawn.
Time is now moving in reverse,
could things get any worse.
Tectonic plates moving Continents back together,
caused by water, earthquakes and bad weather.
Chaos all across the land,
no one seems to understand.
Volcanic eruptions have now blocked the sun,
life as we know it is now done.
When the smoke finally cleared,
dinosaurs have now reappeared.

Pitch Black

Total darkness enters the night,
no more moon or sun shinning bright.
Shadows looming overhead,
welcome to the land of the dead.
This isn't heaven, isn't hell.
but this is a place, you will soon know well.
Feeling alone and out of place,
memories of living will slowly erase.
Eyes turn black, body gets pale,
feeling blind and can't read braille.
Millions of others walking around,
can't see them, but can hear the sound.
All the souls have long escaped,
curtains of life have now draped.
Not knowing how long this will last,
don't know the future, can't remember the past.
No one to help along the way,
even if there was, what would they say.
Tough to live in the land of the lost,
everyone is getting their salad tossed.
Judgement day has finally come,
suddenly body is turning numb.
Ten long years living in darkness,
no more fear and being heartless.
Now that this has become to an end,
body now on a rapid descend.
Now in a place filled with fire,
this is the place where all bodies retire.

Dead End
sharp claws
dark skin
red eyes
razor teeth
blood dripping
flesh eating
demon spawned
loud roars
heads scalped
people dying
wanting more
can't control
virus infected
zombies attacking
vampires *******
werewolves eating
thunder rolling
lightning crashing
rain pouring
earth flooding
wind howling
hell's frozen
pigs flying
we're dead
the end

I Just Called To Say I Hate You

You broke my very fragile heart,
blood on the wall, looks like art.
Sometimes I hang up when I call,
I will beg for mercy, I'd even crawl.
Yes, I'm under a restraining order,
many times, I crossed that border.
I just called to say I hate you,
killing is now what I pursue.
I hate your eyes, I hate your nose,
hate your fingers, hate your toes.
You said we'd last forever,
then you slept with my friend Trevor.
We got into a great big fight,
you stormed out that very same night.
I just called to say I hate you,
sometimes plans, just fall through.
Now I'm colder than cubes of ice,
I'm on you like white on rice.
I stalked you for about a week,
neighbors thought I was a creepy freak.
Twice you had me arrested,
a trial is what I requested.
I just called to say I hate you,
you have no idea, what I plan to do.
I can't help, that I keep calling,
I'm still begging, I'm still crawling.
I just can't get you out of my mind,
I'm always just two steps behind.
Went to the store and bought a knife,
if you can't be mine,
then you'll be nobodies wife.
I just called to say I hate you,
I fed the homeless, I called it ***** stew.

Dynamic Duo

I write you this letter,
hoping to make things better.
Not really sure what happened,
it wasn't quite what I imagined.
We were once the best of friends,
what can I do to make amends.
You don't answer my telephone calls,
did you suddenly loose your *****.
Not sure what I did so wrong,
thought our friendship was very strong.
We used to do everything together,
not a storm we couldn't weather.
Now I'm bored and feeling alone,
will you please just throw me a bone.
My once pal, I hope you're not my enemy,
remember when we planned to **** Kennedy,
Then we killed and buried Jimmy Hoffa,
we drowned our guilt with a bottle of *****.
I'm starting to worry, maybe you're missing,
remember all the girls we shared kissing.
We had a ******* every night,
our future was so bright.
I miss our random killing spree,
nothing made us feel more free.
We were called the dynamic duo,
now I'm just riding solo.
I picked up a newspaper and what did I see,
you were found at the bottom of the sea.
Now I know why you never returned my text,
I better run or I'll be next.
No reason to send this letter now,
then one day while milking my cow,
the F.B.I. gave me a visit,
I had no get out of jail ticket.
I got sentenced to the penalty of death,
I wish we were together when we took our last breath.

Priest And Beast

I live for today, not yesterday or tomorrow,
I have no regrets or no sorrow.
It's just the way I like living,
I always forget, I'm always forgiving.
I traded in my medication,
now I just do some meditation.
Nothing ever gets me depressed,
all my sins, I have already confessed.
Go to church every Sunday,
God helped me find the way.
I pray every single night,
my future is so very bright.
I exercise and I diet,
hating noise, I love quiet.
Every Sunday, I eat my wafer,
after that, I feel much safer.
As Stryper sang, To hell with the devil,
back in the day, I was quite the rebel.
Fooled you all, I'm really an atheist,
no one is more of a racist.
I hate all people, no matter the skin,
I don't care if you're fat or thin.
I pick on everyone, I leave no one out,
I've walked up to people dressed like a girl scout.
I really could care less what you all think,
whether you're a jew, *****, *****, towel head, ***** or *****.
If you think god is real, you're a fool,
hard knox is where I went to school.
Religion is nothing more than a joke,
just bought me an eight ball of coke.
When I step in church, my feet burn,
if you're like me, you'll have to wait your turn.
I'm atheist but I'm also a priest,
I'm a beauty and a beast.
Can you give me a hell yeah,
cat got your tongue, then give me a meow.
I hate you, you hate me,
a mass suicide would set us free.

Annoying Noises
waking up hearing voices
inside my deep dark mind
"where are the dead bodies
where is the hole
where is the shovel
did you **** all theses people"
could I have done such a thing
"I'll ask you again
where are the dead bodies
where is the hole
where is the shovel
did you **** all these people"
I can't turn off theses annoying noises,
why is it me hearing voices
"I'll ask you again
where are the dead bodies
where is the hole
where is the shovel
did you **** all these people"
since these voices
won't go away
then I'll make them
go away
The Trailer Park Paper
"two bodies found dead today
from what seems to be a double suicide
man shot with shotgun in mouth
woman found in bed with an empty pill bottle
lying right next to her
the oddest part of this case,
was a skipping album at a certain strange part"
"I'll ask you again
where are the dead bodies
where is the hole
where is the shovel
did you **** all these people"

Hey man, listen to my groove,
sit down and please don't move.
Can you feel the fresh air,
blowing through your blonde hair.
Feel the rhythm in my soul,
can't be stopped, I'm on a role.
Diamonds and pearls, can't afford,
around my neck, tighten the cord.
Seeing you through the dusty sand,
come with me, take my hand.
Listening to the words you say,
stalking me like your prey.
Running myself out of time,
convicted of a violent crime.
Love is what I'm guilty of,
rain pours down from above.
Walking down an endless road,
sending a message in Morse code.
beep, beep, dot, dot, dot,
someone smoked all my ***.
Love for you, will never die,
your husband gave me a black eye.
As I wonder where you are,
after the punch, life became a blur.

Love In Rhyme
loving your hair
loving your stare
loving your eyes
loving between your thighs
making you sweat
making you wet
making you beg
making you play
with my third leg
you're my farting queen
you're my miss mean
you're my angel wing
you're my everything
loving your voice
loving my choice
making you bad
making me glad
you're my *****
I'm your itch
loving your smile
loving my style
making you mine
making me feel fine
you're my one and only
I'm your no longer lonely
we're perfect in every way
what else is left to say

Blood

I love blood gushing from the head,
blood is always the color of red.
I love blood dripping from a finger,
a small *****, that likes to linger.
I love blood from a toe,
watch as it starts to flow.
I love blood from a nose,
it flows just like a garden hose.
I love blood that isn't mine,
best friends will often combine.
I love blood from a hand,
surely it wasn't planned.
I love blood from feet,
taste of it is so sweet.
I love blood from an arm,
it may hurt, but no harm.
I love blood from a leg,
crack it just like an egg.
I love blood from a neck,
vampires can cause a red wreck.
I love blood from a ******,
whether from U.S.A. or from China.
I love blood from the ****,
yes I know that sounds kinda heinous.
I love blood in your ****,
I put it on my cheese, that is Swiss.
Can't get blood from a stone,
unless it hits you in the bone.
Blood is thicker than water,
nothing like a good slaughter.
I'm a vampire who is a stud,
lets face it folks, I love blood.

Two Nerds
saw you in the corner
someones lost daughter
walked over to you
me having no clue
expecting rejection
her beauty was perfection
sat down and said hi
she was a bit shy
bought her a drink
had no idea what to think
she was lost for words
we were just two nerds
pocket protectors and glasses
passing each other mystical gases
laughing at our silly jokes
lighting each others smokes
people couldn't help but stare
who cares if we're square
was this luck or fate
found me a girl,
I didn't have to inflate
she didn't care about my bad teeth
she only saw underneath
I didn't care about her zits
she had incredible ****
that's the story of two nerds
all other stories are for the birds

Good And Bad

It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
hope you're ready,
for a whole new set of rhymes.
Met a girl, name was Sue,
she got me hard, then left my ***** blue.
Cooked me a huge steak, with a side of carrots,
took a bite and out came lots of maggots.
Getting ready for a hot date,
guess not coming, being two hours late.
Having your kids say I love you,
then telling them, the plans fell through.
Cuddling with your favorite boy or girl,
then on your face they start to hurl.
Driving and singing a cool *** song,
getting pulled over and they find your ****.
Hope to get lucky with all this flirtation,
then get naked and have premature *******.
Bottom of the ninth and winning by two,
making an error and they score a few.
Talking a shower that's nice and hot,
only to find a peeper, your friend Scott.
Writing the great American novel,
but you have to rewrite, you forgot a vowel.
Sitting, relaxing having a cold beer,
all alone, friends just slowly disappear.
Buying a new tv with high definition,
two days later you lose your vision.
Having a car that's fully loaded,
wiring recall, then it exploded.
Future being so bright,
then darkness blocks your sight.
Waking up and it's hot and sunny,
can't go out with no **** money.
Enjoying the indoors, with air condition,
ankle bracelet and still on probation.
Good and bad things will always be there,
it's all in how you mentally prepare.

Doc Allen

Hello nurse, how does our day look,
pretty busy Doctor Allen.
Well send me in the first patient,
hello Mr. Davis, how may I help you,
well doc, I have a problem getting a *******.
Well sir you have Erectile Dysfunction,
or better know as impotence.
I will write you a prescription for ******,
try them for a week, if they don't work,
have your wife come in and I will satisfy her needs.
Next patient, Nurse Lucy,
His name is well we don't know he has Amnesia.
Oh goody, hello do you know who you are, nope,
do you know where you're from, nope,
do you know anything, nope.
Well sir there are no pills,
but I will try something.
Now this may hurt a lot,
I'm gonna whack you with a hammer.
Ouch doc, hey I remember now,
my name is Bob and I'm from Boston, thanks doc.
Nurse Lucy, who's next,
it's Susan and she has Tourette Syndrome,
oh boy, another winner.
Hello Susan how are you today,
good doc, ****, ****, *******.
Wow does this happen often,
about twice a day, ****, ***, ****.
Well Susan there is no cure,
but you must relax more,
try some yoga and meditation,
now slutty, *****, *****, get the **** out.
Nurse Lucy, who's next, Lance he has Leprosy,
wow what a day this is.
Hello Lance, how are you today,
I'm good but I'm falling apart.
I see that your finger just fell on my desk,
sorry doc, it's getting worse,
I already lost my *****.
Well Lance there is nothing worse than that,
there is one known treatment.
It's called Gotu Kola, it doesn't cure it,
but it will slow it down.
Oh god sir, your ear just fell in my coffee,
we'll have to order it, but in the mean time,
try not to lose your head.
Nurse Lucy, anyone else,
one more Doctor Allen and it's me,
I need *** real bad.
Bend me over the desk,
and pound me good,
Nurse Lucy,
I thought you'd never ask.

The Pope

I'm a high powered man of the cloth,
when I get *****, I stick my thing in cold chicken broth.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
but sometimes I send an anonymous text.
The Vatican should be called The Vatican't,
sorry for this unfortunate rant.
Not sure how much more I can take,
under my robe is a venomous snake.
People all day like to kiss my ring,
when girls kiss it, it starts to spring.
Having no *** is driving me bad,
going crazy and making me mad.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
why did god give me this hex.
Slept with a nun in my ******* last night,
it felt so good and she was so tight.
Whenever a girl smiles or starts to flirt,
under my robe, I begin to squirt.
Sometimes when my ***** get blue,
I kneel down at the nearest pew.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
this religion is so **** complex.
I get driven around in this bullet proof trough,
I got the only gun that might go off.
Why did I become a catholic priest,
I'd even take a girl, with infection of yeast.
Last night in bed, I decided to sin,
it was time to rip out the firing pin.
I stroked it once, I stroked it twice,
I must say it felt very nice.
Seconds later out shot my *****,
dripping down my body like a slimy worm.
From this day on, I felt like a new man,
I now do it as often as I can.
Tired of having soap on a rope,
******* it, I'm the ******* pope.
No more underwear under my robe,
hard to tell, next time I'll wanna probe.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
cause if I do, god won't sign my checks.

Rhymes

And the rhyme says,
all the long haired rhyming people, must go,
so I put on a short wig,
and went in to ask why.
I'm a fine young rhymer,
please let me show.
Took off my wig,
and asked him to give me a try.
Rhymes, rhymes, everywhere rhymes,
filling up the pages,
blowing all your minds.
And the rhyme says,
anyone caught not rhyming,
will be shot on sight,
I jumped the fence and gave a yell,
hey, I know how to rhyme right.
Non rhymers won't let mother nature in,
they say not to rhyme is considered a sin.
Rhymes, rhymes, everywhere rhymes,
filling up the pages,
blowing all your minds.
Hey man mister, can you read,
my rhymes are all that you'll ever need.
Must have a paper and pen to rhyme,
watch me write as I enter my prime.
I don't need a membership card,
my rhymes will keep you on guard.
And the rhyme says,
everyone down here is welcome to stay,
but when Lucifer passed the plate,
I had no money to pay.
So I got my own pen and paper,
and made up my own little rhyme,
So I decided to sell my soul,
the Devil will make me feel fine.
Rhymes, rhymes, everywhere rhymes,
filling up the pages,
blowing all your minds.
Sorry for you, but I'm out of time,
do this, do that, cant you read the rhyme.

I Eat

I eat fingers, I eat toes,
I will even eat a runny nose.
I eat arms, I eat legs,
I use blood in my scrambled eggs.
I eat eyes, I eat ears,
it goes down good with some cold beers.
I eat hair, I eat skin,
lots of good meat on a human shin.
I eat kidneys, I eat livers,
if you don't like it, cry me some rivers.
I eat guts, I eat brains,
Their already dead, so no one complains.
I eat *****, I eat *****,
it tastes better than some milk and a cookie.
I eat veins, I eat a heart,
eating an ***, always makes me ****.
I eat ****, I eat lips,
I will even eat artificial hips.
I eat moles, I eat warts,
I would even eat you stained shorts.
I eat appendix, I eat gall bladder,
on a rope or on a ladder.
I eat small and large intestines,
prison has taught me no lessons.
Some call me a ruthless cannibal,
I started as a child, when I ate then animal,
I'm like a zombie that isn't dead,
maybe its because I'm ******.

There is a man who thinks he's in charge,
he's strong, dumb and very large.
Twenty foot tall and that's a fact,
twenty and a half to be exact.
He can crush you with his bare hands,
you better obey his list of demands.
Not the devil, not a god,
just a huge man who's very odd.
Not a monster, not a myth,
just a man you can't mess with.
Stomps on people just for fun,
chaos for him has just begun.
He can **** you with his mighty fist,
its the third demand on his list.
Can't speak a word only grunts,
eats babies and smokes big blunts.
If he kicks, you will land a mile away,
his nasty teeth are filled with decay.
Getting shot just makes him mad,
will not stop killing til he finds his deadbeat dad.
His demand list has only five things,
you must call him the king of kings.
He has a name, please call him Rick,
or he'll slap you with his seven foot ****.
You already know number three,
he'll punch you if you don't agree.
You don't wanna know number four,
but trust me it will lead to gore.
Killing his father is number five,
keep out of his way, if you wanna stay alive.
Five is as high that he can count,
his dads head he wants to mount.
Giving birth killed his poor mom,
her body exploded like a bomb.
He's only twenty, grew one foot a year,
not even old enough to drink a beer.
Found his dad and ripped off his head,
he actually smiled after the father was dead.
Rick became a very nice guy,
now he is friendly and very shy.
Rick died when he was thirty,
at the wake, Weird Al sang White And Nerdy.
His ashes are in a six foot urn,
this sad story will now adjourn.

The Maze
Wandering through the endless maze,
been going on for several days.
Dead end here, dead end there,
dead ends everywhere.
Life always a constant struggle,
too many things, having to juggle.
Made a left, instead of a right,
a constant battle, with no end in sight.
All doors and windows shut,
butterflies filling up my gut.
Wandering inside without a key,
locked inside, where no one can see.
Stuck in this endless maze,
thought I finally found my ways.
I used to be so very strong,
how I was so very wrong.
All the corners look the same,
sick of this stupid game.
No way I'm ever breaking free,
so blind, I can't even see.
Wandering around this endless maze,
leaves my brain in a daze.
Suddenly I see a lighted reflection,
but still I'm in the wrong direction.
I'm forever stuck in this maze,
for once in my life, I can't amaze.

Alone I sit in the dark,
no light, no candle, not even a spark.
Wondering where the time has gone,
not even tired, can't even yawn.
Feels like I've been up for weeks,
tried all the sleeping techniques.
Took some pills and counted sheep,
but still I could not sleep.
I live the life of an insomniac,
some say I'm just a hypochondriac.
Watching television shows that are boring,
listening to my girlfriend loudly snoring.
Even tried some anesthesia,
that just left me with amnesia.
For a day I forgot my name,
when I remembered it was still the same.
Even tried getting hypnotized,
it didn't work but I improvised.
Told him a story about getting molested,
or maybe that's what he suggested.
So here I lie in my bed,
I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Had a boxer punch me in the face,
now I have a fat lip and a nose out of place.
Tried some ****** so off I could doze,
eyes wide open, but my body was froze.
At this point I'd settle for a nap,
I'm so wired I might just snap.
Had a dentist give me some laughing gas,
the nitric oxide knocked me on my ***.
Now I'm in a deep coma,
as for the dentist, he lost his diploma.

I'm Pregnant

Do you think you're fat like me,
looks like I'm pregnant with twins.
Gained forty pounds in two short years,
never thought I'd reach two hundred pounds.
If you don't give a **** like me,
then don't even worry about it.
If you care then try a diet,
exercise as often as possible.
I bring to you,
for a one time offer,
the I don't give a **** diet.
Jam packed with all things bad for you,
sit on your *** all day and do nothing.
That's my diet secret, no pain, all gain.
I like my big fat tummy,
it assures that my food is yummy.
I find it funny,
when fat people order a steak and three sides,
then they ask for a diet soda,
like that's gonna do anything.
People who say they love the taste,
must be lying, cause diet soda is nasty.
Oh those days when I was skinny,
dorky face and bushy blonde hair.
Not sure which one of me looked better,
but hot ****, no one makes the girls wetter.

Crazy Love

I love you, you love me,
we're one dysfunctional family.
You're psychotic, I'm bipolar,
we both push a doll in a baby stroller.
You're a bit crazy, I'm a bit nuts,
we're both paranoid and have no guts.
Our two kids think we're insane,
for fun they tie us up with a chain.
We both take pills to help medicate,
when we get high, we like to levitate.
We've both been in a mental institution,
somehow we both avoided execution.
When we got married, no one came,
our family, we put to shame.
All that matters is we have each other,
it doesn't matter that we both suffer.
You write poems, I write rhyming stories,
mad scientists built us in secret laboratories.
Once a year we renew our vows,
all that ever attend are chickens and cows.
Kids moved out when they were ten,
we get supervised visits every now and then.
We fell in love when very young,
she loves the way I use my tongue.
Our favorite game is naked twister,
oh did I mention we're brother and sister.

Angie

In the upcoming days that followed,
her shattered heart will become less hollowed.
I wish, I was there to hold you tight,
my special powers would make everything alright.
Something like this is so succumb,
its understandable to feel so numb.
Got the call from a mother crying,
calming her down, I was trying.
Loved ones will help this mountain you must climb,
the pain you feel will dull in due time.
Remember the good times you had together,
I know right now, you're more fragile than a glass feather.
Life is something no one will never understand,
if you need me, I'll come there and hold your hand.
Things like this, you never expect,
if there was an award for sister of the year,
it's you I would easily elect.
Sometimes life spirals out of control,
I'll be a shovel, to dig you out of this hole.
Each passing day will get a little bit better,
every time you get a chill,
people that love you will be your sweater.
Just remember you have millions that care,
if you're feeling upset or scared,
take a deep breathe of fresh air.
I am here in your time of need,
for you my heart is starting to bleed.
Just remember we all love you,
we have faith, that you will pull through.
Call me if you ever need to talk,
I'd come comfort you, even if I had to walk.
Do your best to ease your mind,
and remember we are only two steps behind.

Infatuation
looking at your pretty face
leaves my head, an empty space
consumed by your smile
you laughing all the while
I'm so far, out of your league
that explains, all my intrigue
you don't even know, I exist
I rank low on the waiting list
I scream, I shout
calling your name
I'll never win
but I love the game
I would crash
into your car
serenade you
with my guitar
it still wouldn't matter
I'm too ugly
and much fatter
I'd do anything
to be with you
you'd love my
famous Allen *****
now you're married
and I cry
not long after
I did die

Evil Santa

You better watch out, you better not pout,
evil Santa will descale you like a trout.
He's a crook, you've all been took,
don't you dare give him a ***** look.
Mow his grass, kiss his ***,
or he'll stab you with broken glass.
He's a liar, will never retire,
your life is about to expire.
Can't control his temper,
its best if you surrender,
you're going feet first in a blender.
He has no shame, you are the blame,
its you he's about to maim.
Evil Santa is coming to town,
you have no time to frown,
he's worse than It the clown.
You will sigh, then you'll cry,
then you will slowly die.
He lost his pride, gained a step in his stride,
sooner or later you will collide.
He's a cheat, life ain't complete,
until its you he will eat.
He's killed two, maybe a few,
next it will be you.
He sold his soul, paid the toll,
aren't you glad he's out on parole.
He kills a lot, his brain has a clot,
plus this is the stories plot.
Its you he will stalk,
followed you around the block,
then he gave your door a deadly knock.
He knows when you are sleeping,
its him you will see peeping,
your life just isn't worth keeping.
He knows when you're awake,
your death will not be a fake,
so be good for goodness sake.
You better watch out, you better not shout,
death to you, I have no doubt.
Your underwear will soon turn brown,
his reindeer will gladly run you down,
evil Santa is coming to your town.