Like the cigarette burn on my left forearm
You left a mark
A mark that reminds me
That you were here
Reminds me of a time
When the colors were vibrant with life

These struggles put the strain
Of anxiety on my soul
Lost ever since that mark was seared
Now looking for the light
The love
To remove
The one that left the mark on my heart

Only once in your life, I truly believe,
you find someone who can
completely turn your world around.
You tell them things that you’ve
never shared with another soul and
they absorb everything you say and
actually want to hear more. You share
hopes for the future, dreams that will
never come true, goals that were
never achieved and the many
disappointments life has thrown at
you. When something wonderful
happens, you can’t wait to tell them
about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not
embarrassed to cry with you when
you are hurting or laugh with you
when you make a fool of yourself.
Never do they hurt your feelings or
make you feel like you are not good
enough, but rather they build you up
and show you the things about
yourself that make you special and
even beautiful. There is never any
pressure, jealousy or competition but
only a quiet calmness when they are
around. You can be yourself and not
worry about what they will think of
you because they love you for who
you are. The things that seem
insignificant to most people such as a
note, song or walk become invaluable
treasures kept safe in your heart to
cherish forever. Memories of your
childhood come back and are so clear
and vivid it’s like being young again.
Colours seem brighter and more
brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily
life where before it was infrequent or
didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two
during the day helps to get you
through a long day’s work and always
brings a smile to your face. In their
presence, there’s no need for
continuous conversation, but you find
you’re quite content in just having
them nearby. Things that never
interested you before become
fascinating because you know they
are important to this person who is so
special to you. You think of this
person on every occasion and in
everything you do. Simple things
bring them to mind like a pale blue
sky, gentle wind or even a storm
cloud on the horizon. You open your
heart knowing that there’s a chance it
may be broken one day and in
opening your heart, you experience a
love and joy that you never dreamed
possible. You find that being
vulnerable is the only way to allow
your heart to feel true pleasure that’s
so real it scares you. You find strength
in knowing you have a true friend and
possibly a soul mate who will remain
loyal to the end. Life seems
completely different, exciting and
worthwhile. Your only hope and
security is in knowing that they are a
part of your life.

The rise and fall of his chest
As the breath of life flows through his body.
I watch, silently
Barely awake from last night's slumber that had taken me to its *****.
Barely moving
Barely making a sound
I wouldn't wanna wake him
As my thoughts swim around;
My mind starts to tumble
All about with love and wonder
Someone who fell in love with me
Though I'm such a blunder.
Something presses on at the back of my head
Calling me, alerting me
I only ignore it
Nothing is more precious than this moment.
He finally moves a little
Enough to put his left arm around my smaller frame
Beside him
Holding me down
Securing me in his embrace.
Then I begin to wonder as I settle my eyes shut again
How I ever got so lucky
How he makes me ever so happy
And how much it hurts
To realise..

I wake up
Everything is gone
He is gone
His arms are gone
The security I once felt is gone

I am alone.
Surrounded by darkness and the creatures of the night once more.
Haunted by the past, the present and what is to come.
The many boulders of life in front of me
Coming closer
And all I can do is
Wrap myself in the only arms I've ever relied on
As it begins to rain down my face once more
The tears I always regret crying
The pain I always despise feeling
And pray to fall back asleep into a restless
Yet more comforting
Parallel reality
Where nothing is real
Yet everything is.

I wish he could see how I'm starting to care
I wish he could tell that my heart leans towards him
With each new compliment he gives
I blush and shine just a little bit brighter

I wish he could be  happy
and I wish I could be the one to show him
I wish he'd get over her
She's over him

I wish I could look into his eyes
and see a reflection of my emotions
I wish he would walk in
and place a smile upon my lips

I wish that when I wake
from dreams of him,
I won't feel ashamed
Like I've just done something wrong

I wish he would lean down
and place a small kiss
on the point of my nose
so I can quickly lift up
and press my lips to his

I wish he wasn't the cause
of this sudden desire and lust
and the anguish that follows

I wish his feelings were real
rather than a distraction
I wish he didn't do this
because it is unfair to me

I wish he could see this,
my poems of him,
And he would know
how I feel

And I wish that wouldn't make him
scared no longer
He would know he could
trust me

I wish once he read them,
a smile would slowly make
it's way across his features

Then he would look to me
And his eyes would sparkle
for once he'd be happy
to have
me

**I wish

and with that single sentence my heart
hammers inside of my chest and i
i cant breathe
what is wrong you ask
what is wrong
that is a good question that
i wish i could answer
your prying cant help me
because what is wrong
is no outside force
it comes from within
it is the rapid palpitations of my heart that i swear
will **** me young
and the sudden breathlessness
it isnt worth the air anyway
why this panic the world questions

i dont know

i dont know

I killed a girl.
She was closer to me than anyone i've ever known.
She knew me better than anyone else.
She knew my deepest fears
My darkest secrets
My every thought
She knew all my quirks and habits
She knew how i spoke and walked and loved
She was my closest friend.
But i hated her more than anyone.
Even though I was her only true friend
The others were traitors and liars.
She had the lowest self esteem
The longest list of problems
The worst personality
I killed this girl
And i liked it.
She was me.
I killed her and replaced her with the me i was supposed to be.
She was condfident and funny
Smart and outgoing
She had the best she could ask for.
She was happy.
Fun and determined
Talented and optimistic
In this sense you see
****** is a good thing
And the best decision I ever made
Was to **** that girl.

useless, this skyward nightblind stare
was it there, from lost flecks of  stardust
that God wrought
this species of heroes and heathens?
these eyes don't see much anymore

I've tired of my own sophic nonsense,
pretenses ****** to any screed that might buy words
to publish under slews of anonymous names...
real life is not vague
we chew it, hard crusty bread

before dinner, my own fingers rummaged deep
planted within loose root shards, chewed chicken thighs, other things
we've eaten,
ever since days as young children...

Our Father consumed simply

like a banged and dented '57 Chevy
adorned pretty with loose bananas and oranges
freed from paper cartons,
his rusty wrenches tucked in my toolbox
built solid, still colorful, if not as useful anymore;
a ***-stained carpet too good to throw away
left to rot in the driveway; I called a tow to haul it all
yesterday

Oh my Brother...

when it rains
I drown in his rolling wheelchair
and rubber-tipped canes, set out plastic buckets

... and I think to drink them in...

the stories of glory or warning,
conquests and war,
apple pies left to cool on a sill
awaiting harvest by the bravest soldier

today:
gifts of old shot glasses saved in the cellar
(I drink from the bottle)
a box of fine cedar from the back of the closet
(though odor not telling, for a decade at best)
more stories...

but still
we're both grown men now, and safer for past efforts,
the lawn neatly mowed if not always ****-free.

does it matter?
winter's soon coming.
what could it save me?

it's a cold wind -
in time enough, some men
newly minted, will gaze inward - outward, too
search for food left in the pantry
the paltry stocks I put up:
canned spaghetti, dollar store crackers, salty powdered soup mixes...

they'll wonder whether a father ever listened
cared enough to spout useful advice...
weigh one heathen,
the *** who wrote poems only for himself