At five am this morning
I closed my door, quiet and slow, and
Crept out into the blackness.
It was silent.
Dead silent.
The stoplights were throwing velvety pools of light on the street
And I was drawn to the center of it
I placed my strides between the two yellow lines
And I started walking.
I just went.
I can't say whether five minutes passed, or ten, or twenty,
But eventually I left the road and doubled back
To the little bridge where you first kissed me.
And I sat there in the dark
With my legs dangling over a galaxy of reflected stars
Meteors with tails of mirrored streetlight,
Gold and shimmering,
A shadow cut-out of a person set in a silhouette of black water against a splash of light.
I lay my cheek on the cold metal of the rail,
And let it all seep into me-
The night, the cold, the glow of the stars.
My fingers brushed a little husk at the base of it
And I recognized the flower I'd placed there
Last time I'd walked across that bridge.
I'd been late. Late by a lot. Hurrying.
Rushing.
And I thought, Mikaila you are stupid for stopping to pick this flower.
But I did it anyway.
I always do it.
Every single time I walk over that bridge,
No matter who with,
I pick a flower
And set it at the base of that railing
In the spot where you kissed me.
I never give any explanation.
I just put one there, every time.
The tiny delicate thing crumbled at my touch
And the dust was taken by the wind across the shining water.
There I stayed for a long, long time,
And eventually I lay back and looked up at the stars.
There is a very bright one out this month,
A planet, somebody told me.
It was directly above me, glowing with cold, clear light,
And I told it
That I love you
And just then one of the tiny stars right by it
Dove across the universe
And landed in the lake at my feet.

I witness
the marching armies,
some trudging through the sludge of slaughter,
some gliding as if on polished glass  
others flying on sympathetic currents  
few faithfully, but ALL fatefully, moving
onward, to the deep sleep      

like a mute director in life’s one act play
I watch many in their final moments
some in stillness so sweet
my camera gently weeps ( though not I)  
others I record being ripped apart
in metal madness, yet
I don’t blink an eye
even while wiping the
blood from my hands        

you, Robert, music maker at heart,
meat cutter by trade, scored my lens  
leaving it forever altered
I knew you, a year younger than I,
I saw you, beaten down  
by the grave gravity
we cherish yet dread,
you, trudging through
the slaughter, one  
of the harshly humbled,
you, found the right rope  
and your wife found you
on a Sunday morning,
hanging
in the garage,
your letter to the world the clang
of the alarm that woke her  
and hastened her slow march
to the church, where other directors
took over the filming, and  
closed the curtain, after
the final choking act  

I cannot miss you  
I,
(who only wistfully recall
the millions of marchers near and far)  
felt your Sunday sojourn  
**** the air from my lungs
I can only be grateful  
your living and dying  
made me feel
the palled pain
and undying dread

Some of us long
To be held by that
Special someone one day,
When others that have been
Hurt, Long not to get so many
Restless nights;
With that person being on your
Mind, Constantly

It's almost sickening,
It's leaves you stuck,
And with your emotions
Running wild,
You almost feel drained

I saw... I saw how you broke the strongest person I know. How you made her fall to her knees. You'll never know how her cries haunt me to this day. "Never trust...keep them away...walls" these thoughts ran and still run through my head. Over and over like a broken record that's beginning to shred my sanity. Look at what you've done.
I can't understand how you can walk in here like you've done nothing wrong. Do you feel no guilt? Does the fact that you crushed her mean anything to you?
But no, you're right, you always are. Your excuses will always defy logic while you manipulate all your wants to seem right, proving us wrong. Your hypocrisy shreds all other insanities.
Will you ever know how when you broke her you shattered me? These scars I have, the scars I hide, they came from you always reminding me what happens when I trust someone.
Own this, take responsibility. You boast about your accomplishments already, so why not this? Because it might ruin your image, show the rest that your not all they perceive you to be. Or will it hurt your ego to know that you've done wrong.
Because of you I play it safe. Not trusting those around me with my thoughts, emotions, heart... But thats how you wanted it, isn't it. For me to not trust.
You know, I find it funny that you wonder why I try pulling away harder every time you tighten my leash. Yeah its ironic how I don't want to come to you when all I get are the verbal smacks of what a terrible person i am, of all I do wrong, of how disappointed you are that I'm not better.
But I'm done, I'm not a dog and I refuse to let you dictate this part of my life. I'm human. I'm allowed flaws, opinions, and imperfections. These scars, they make me beautiful. They're battle I've fought, that I've won. So i refuse not to trust, because not everyone judges me the way you do. I refuse... I refuse to be refused my rights as a human being and I refuse to deny everything that makes me, me.
So here, take it back. Take it all back. All the lies, false promises, persecution,denial,hate...take it back, all the blows you gave me. All the cracks to my body while I cried for you to stop, but prayed you wouldn't so that you would not see the little boy I was hiding in the corner.
You know, I'm standing here right now broken, busted but I am not defeated. I will never let you hold me down. Because...because I'm worth it. I'm worth all the dreams I have, all the hopes I carry and all the love given to me. And for all those people like me, so are you.

I felt my spine
slowly crack and shatter
each piece falling from its place-
intricate blue print  
to what ashes lay

Joining where my heart rests-
at my feet