Lately I get the feeling I’ve always been colored blue
The difference is now that the world around me is changing colors
I used to fit in the space
Only because it wasn’t as jagged as it is now
I am rigid and the change is dizzying

my anchors are scared about the way every small wave nearly overwhelms me

my balance is off and I usually fall flat onto a bed for days on end

these are excuses in mirrors
fitting a square peg in a round hole

why do we do this?
i love you
when you pull in the other direction
my heart chases you
ive got something eternal
calling out for you

when my mind is flooding out
im scared thoughts cant all be said

that these ephemera saved
should be ephemera dead
i hide them here

living past expiration date
ghosts wandering out of reach
looking back becomes much more clear
like an abstraction you drew

the longer i stare the more detail stands out
circles made from a billion small lines

sturdy roof on home sweet home
protects from rain
protects from snow
so i thought the roof
enabled bad habits
i thought the walls
bent to my gloom
no
houses may creak
the floorboards moan
but i am accountable for choices
and i have no one to blame
not roof
not walls
especially so
the people who make me feel at home

you are resplendent light bounding across the gap between us
driving straight through the holes in my character
summoning my wicked shadow
at times ripping through my body like bullets
the speed of light
and speed of love
are increments faster than stinging words
for everything i am
it never feels like enough

me
familiar with the way i pity myself
i have to wonder if im wrong
if i really am the person im told about
and if i should dam the river my mouth is
so worried all else would cease flowing

If we are shadow puppets
Life will never be in the moment
Destiny will change direction
And I’ll be held to its whims

In my bedroom cathedral
I worship the future
I bargain with giants
I beg for my good fortune

All the while
Unaware of the rusting
The slow due decay
Of the groaning stilts

When the dirt doesn’t know us apart
And ground we’ve tread is above
When trees grow and roots go through
All I’ve loved was all of you
When our light travels even at night
The love felt shall never perish

12 times flipping an hour glass
And green apples just don’t turn red
I mean, how do you attack a shadow?
Lay down or turn out the lights I guess
Drift night to night
Except it’s more of the same
Future’s looking good as I’m looking out
Only a treadmill is a poor excuse for a marathon

I don't fight for anything until it's time for fighting things
So that means I'm a haze
Push me over see
I'm a false wall on a set stage
I'm convinced I'm a method actor
But it's like going out for sunbathing except the sun has already set
Like going out, shouting when the street is empty instead
The revolution is long over
I'm a stray dog
I'm peddling to ghosts
Always too late to the punch lines
Beating me into shapes
Halfway and half assed
Listening to track 4 again and again
Bending my Rubber Soul to the whims
All my lazy heart is only beating because it has to
My whole body is
See through
Me and the attempts to be new
Only render failing
Each day newly
I'm just boring as paint
And she probably doesn't like my colors anyway
Not when you get down to it anyway

Bustling tall building
Height of success
I'd climb it if I could
With my young hands
But the topic will digress

And take up an idle way
With some ADD
On OCD, undeserved
Funny how things are no matter
******* and your life

When work's to be done
Here's shying from, shirking from
Working until done
We can overcome

Right after this segment
Oh shh, show is back on
....


What was it we were fighting for?
Oh well, I forget it

Sometimes I wish I wasn't myself
I didn't act the dumb ways I act
And I could talk to people how people should
I couldn't be labeled weird or annoying
For being how I am

I want to be proud of my way
But the path is weedy and I'm bumbling
And awkwardly walking, falling
I feel laughed at and red faced
Stupid kid who can't relate to anyone

No matter how old I get
I still feel like an imposter
Trying to mimic comfortable people
I can't shake the feeling of being
Alone with no one wanting to talk to me

Street lamp vitality hooded
Pumped adrenaline rush release
Photosynthesis in amber light
Nocturnal beasts and ***** vermin

Brain boils tar, toxic sludge, *****
An anti-hero, drugged radioactive
Activated by the radio waves
A homeless veteran of divorce wars

The hollow moon and hollow promises
Finds upside down minds jilted
Only flickering dim candle lights
Self-powered by winds of change

Transfer your surrogate anger to me
Passion my ready heart
Give me that blood red devoted
The war cry opposing pains

Decorate my temple with it splattered
Tempt me undeserving, goddess
You're a universal donor and the
Engulfing, endless universe

Forest fires fertilize the earth

Why are people always shouting?
If I shouted that much
I wouldn't recognize my voice
Whenever I talk to myself in my head

Every eye taken in revenge made me blind
And I swallow hate like poison

I kiss you with my eyes closed because nothing can hurt me now

Expressions of lifestyle printed and bought
Tacked up, arranged, oriented like atoms spun
This was my space, my temple, my home

Here I learned to worship life's small things
All because I never had anything large
And I myself aren't significant enough

Here you and I spent time together, flying from prideful heights
Taking leaps of faith and hoping to be caught
Landing and waking up, grasping each other, grateful

I sit here as an archeologist
A war torn, weary traveler
And I've got no one to tell my story to

The family village is deserted
The language I speak is dead
No one cares about the foreign affair

I sit here in my empty room
The day before I could drive far away
But all I can think is about what to say

To the place that I used to hide away

Opalescent sphere radiating aura
Tempts me to lay back and bask
Relax and gaze at trees and stars
Yet she's all of it and moreover divine

Nape of neck was so smoothly skimmed
Bumps formed to reach for you
Knife drew a crude line illustration backside
We're performance art for an audience of none

What's it matter things I say?
Only flare shots to strangers.
Vying for regard?
Young and old on the same stormy sea.

Floating flimsy raft of mine adrift
Except now I've got you for sailing

I want to explore you
Burn you up inside out
Consume you like fire
And embolden your senses

I want to wrap around you
As rain trickling down
Pausing on corners and
Form caressing steam

Blinded and led forward
Only by the sounds afforded
The limited expression
Of pure intentions flattered

There are nights that I can't fall asleep
I feel flat
I feel only one inch wide
And gravity pulling me downward

I want to sit up
I want to have depth
I want to walk around street lamps
And feel like lights are tiny stars to wish on

I could use this one night
But instead I'm counting the ceiling tiles
Like seconds until the sun comes up
And waiting for my time to drift off cliffs

Freedom to move forward
doesn’t mean
there isn’t a mountain in your way

Just like a child can’t be un-orphaned
a scar removed only becomes larger
These things are futile

When you’ll justify bed sores
make friends with wrinkles
and quit fighting against your captor
You lost

If our heads are buried in the sand
how will we find the light?
Sitting idly by while the ground shakes
The ground even quakes

For you to pull yourself out of the dirt
And
Brush
Off

Survive this
Climb the mountain and roll down the other side like a kid

She reaches me by radar signal
My words come in waves and pangs
"You're the universe" I say
And it takes a lifetime to get across
The galaxy

Presenting the circus, gather ‘round!
An art display! Watch a family waste away!
Psychotic scribblings on white-wash blank pages,
Fitting insulation for the padded walls
And each one’s oddly striped like a jumpsuit

Textured and chameleon, life flashing by like roulette
One thousand times, two thousand times a day
When will you let off piling baggage? Why not my way?
Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m drowning here.
Chained by familial devotion, not allowed to utter sound.

And the one tiny ******* final camo-tarp square
That from which you leave me to view
Means either I reach, breath, block and obscure
Or I gaze at the cloud’s shapes, aloof, and I suffocate
Tell you the truth, now I’m not sure.

I need to leave this deserted, haunted hill.