I looked forward. I hugged my knees to my chest and looked forward.
The hole in my jeans exposed my knee caps and my sweater did little to stop the cold from penetrating my skin.
But I looked forward. I can't really tell you what I saw. I could tell you the psychical view. The lush green trees and the pretty blue lake. But I was looking beyond that. I was looking at myself.
Please don't think I'm on a high horse. I know man is minuscule to nature. I know. But right now I am important. Important enough to compare to nature.
The wind blew lightly, the leaves dancing. They swirled and settled just as quickly. And the water was calm, but got ripples every time a leaf drifted onto the glassy surface.
I looked forward, anyway.
The thing I can't tell you is what i saw in myself. I saw a girl with a tattered sweater and ripped jeans. A girl with dark circles and a pretty smile. But I couldn't see underneath. I lost myself. I hadn't realized it. But slowly yet surely i had lost my quirks and my charm. But I was whole, and I was alive. Breathing. I survived the year.
Looking forward, the water and the trees brought the year back.
I wlooked down at the worn Polaroid.
It was the same lake, the same trees, taken a year ago.
I was the only thing different.
And I'm still okay.

Childish boy, you think I don't know?
It's funny because if you think I need you to grow.
The answer is simply no.

My heart still breaks a little when I look at pictures of us.
Or read the little notes or cards you would write me.
I feel as if my body will always ache for you, because now I long for your touch.
I miss you telling me, "It's going to be okay." And the smile it'd bring to my face.
I miss the way our bodies would vibe off one another, and the feeling it would make me feel inside.
I miss the simplicity, yet overwhelming compassion a smile or kiss could make me feel.
I miss exploring your features, even though I knew them. And you doing the same.
I miss hearing your voice say my name, or things you would do to make me laugh.
More so, I miss you, your smile, your stunning, intimidating appearance, how I felt so powerful together.
And what hurts the most is someone new will get to experience all these things with you.
She will probably be better than me, and if you're happy then that's okay.
But I hope you don't forget me because you shaped me into a young woman I love.
And taught me so much to take on the world with.
After everything, I couldn't even say I hate you. Mainly because it would be a lie.

******* and all the bad habits you're making me create.

I can promise you nothing because I am nothing. We are nothing. Because I will not go down in history and neither wwill you because I prefer to read books than write them and you prefer to run from problems than face them. And we are in a void of black water. We are sinking and desperately flailing. Because our time is up. The labyrinth of us and our suffering is finished because we are finished. All I can give you is kiss goodbye and i hope you find someone who loves you at noon as well as 2 am. You deserve simplicity, music that fills your ears and doesn't empty your heart like the music I made you listen to. I was dark and you were light. I was the moon and you were the sun. We crossed paths and landed in the sky at the same time occasionally but I did not want to orbit you. And maybe you will find someone who will be happy to follow your light but I've always pick the black shadow over the white rose. And Im still not sure if you were less than enough for me or if I was inadequate for myself. But I've made my choices, nonetheless.