sometimes i don't recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror,
all messy hair and dark trails of black staining her rosy cheeks.
that chin quiver,
a permanent crease below my bottom lip
from that godforsaken chin quiver.
it's true;
i'm sure you've never seen the waterfall pour out of my eyes,
never seen my shaking shoulders
and my heart beating too fast
and the fingernail half-moons dug into my arms to try and regain control.
i'm sure you can't see the internal bruises on my lungs from
never being able to breathe freely
or maybe you've seen the bleeding puncture on my tongue
from never saying what i want to,
what i need to.
call me weak,
i don't care.
it's not my fault that my heart
feels so **** heavy.

i overlooked the red in your rage,
the orange in your fiery words.
i saw past the yellow lights flashing from your skin,
WARNING, WARNING they had said,
but i didn't listen.
i pretended i couldn't see the green in your eyes that always gave way to jealousy,
the blue in your endless pool of sadness that i could never staunch.
towards the end i couldn't even see the indigo in the sky as we danced under starts for the last time,
or when you wore the violet shirt i bought you for your birthday last year.
all i could see was the white in your lie
when you promised forever.

we were dancing on the moon
twisting our ankles in the craters
and what i didn't realize then,
but did much later

is that your eyes were the color
of the obsidian sky around
and when i promised i wouldn't find a boy like you
i found

you, of course,
the sun in my storm.
i promised you that you'd regret asking
why i looked so forlorn.

because you started a fire
that now will not die,
despite all my pleading
the amount  of times i've cried.

because the galaxy weeps for us,
and our twisted feet
i told you the galaxy cries;
the galaxy weeps.

i never break promises,
that is, until i met you.
"i promise i won't fall in love with you,"
but the words tumbled out of my mouth before i really considered them,
before i realized what i would do for a boy that treats me like gold,
a boy like you.
i'm sorry i broke my promise, darling;
it was never my intent.

it's just that sometimes when your name shows up on my phone
i get too excited
and whenever i think of the word blue
i think of your eyes
and whenever i read those dumb paragraphs on instagram
i firstly think of you
and so i guess i'm over you in a way that means
i'm so
totally
not.

he was smart
and he was kind.
but what i failed to realize
was that he was blind.

blind to my words,
and blind to how i felt.
he couldn't see how what he was doing to me,
was tearing me apart.

when life finally quiets down
i hope you don’t think of me
as white noise