i can’t close the deal
it’s never more than maybes
i don’t know what you feel
it’s never more than vapours
and your deciding
is wrenching inside me
just like you want it to
rifling through my drawers
absent minded
pointless fumbling
tossing out
flipping and flopping
like a desperate child
take this piece away
it doesn’t belong
death covered windows
the vision all wrong

i am life’s casualty
send the ambulance away
i didn’t ******* call you
i never even knew you
the buck stops here
this is where the blame shall lay
keep me kerbside warm
and let me fade away

it used to be
that we’d talk
words by stealth
in every available moment
now there is silence
and i wonder where those moments went
is there so much else now
or just a lack of desire
would things have changed
had i not tried to step
outside the paradigm

i am an island
isolated
this errant rock the cause
it’s a need
lest else i bleed
dripping nightmares
like tears and sweat
regrets not quantifiable
loss is gain
break the plane
and stay away

please be still
let my heart be still
all these thoughts
just let them spill with the feelings
that bind me in chains
that unwind my brain
i could fall
fall for always
i can’t stand tall
stepping through ever more doorways
hula hoop headspins
level me again
and ******* what’s it all for
why do i keep at it anymore
yet another spin around
the parquet floor
losing more grip each time

somehow
in a place known to be so warm
i feel myself left out
in the cold
growing old and weary
as the chill returns my heart to stone
always alone
always unknown
dreams like frozen glass
shatter in shards
slicing me apart
exsanguination of my soul
rivulets of my life trickle down my skin
staining the surface
not yet blackened
my fading mind returns to the thought
that no hope equals no fear
but without hope what is there
and why am i even here

i’ll kiss your nose
i’ll **** your toes
my love still grows
even though i’m banished

i’ll take your hand
i’ll understand
and place no demands
even though i’m famished

fulfil your heart
it’s both end and start
fulfil your heart
that one can’t outsmart

in this union
there is communion
and our reunion
is all i’m seeking

there’s always a choice
just use your voice
and tune your ears
to the words i’m speaking

fulfil your heart
it’s both end and start
fulfil your heart
that one can’t outsmart

i love your company
i love your energy
i love your presence
i love listening to you
i love talking to you
i love sharing with you

i love looking in your eyes
i love the warmth of your soul
i love the touch of your hand
i love holding you
i love comforting you
i love reassuring you

i love your aura
i love your attitude
i love your humour
i love stroking you
i love kissing you
and i love your smile

i forced myself
to turn away
thinking you were gone
torturing myself
in the process
until finally i allowed myself a backward glance
and saw that you were still there
but i’d taken too many steps
i was at a loss
and could have rent myself in two
leaving you the pieces
that belonged always to you
momentarily i was fooled
into thinking you may have some use for them

you can keep me at arm's length if you want to
i'll be right here by your fingertips
and you can ignore what is and always has been
i'll still be waiting for you

this is truth decreed and arranged
though i've wandered my own paths of sorrow
ever more i know that this is what's real
and that nothing has or will change

so you can set me adrift if you want to
and i'll eke out an existence alone
but the message in this bottle won't fade
and one day it will return to you

her anguish breaks my heart
cracks it open
as though a walnut were a pistachio
i bleed for her
i want to rush to her
reassure her that she’s just reached another step along the way
and not a destination
not the end of the line

my bittersweet baby
your path is still open
any obstruction is yours to sweep away
or wait for the soothing rains
to wash clear
my hand is here to steady you
as you negotiate this terrain
on the way toward your dream

it will draw your soul to itself
the eventuality clear
sometimes it seems so far away
but believe it’s always near

breathe
and whisper
your sweet lips parted
ever so slightly
come hither
i am there already
and never wish to leave
so breathe
and hear my whisper
brush against your ear
i am here
i will always be here
it’s you who holds
the soul i sold
entrusted
to your safe keeping
let it breathe
upon your wing as you take flight
hear it whisper
like a zephyr in the night
always here
forever near
always
always

my everything
words spoken and meant
it’s just you
who you are
that holds my heart
the only time i’ve professed
words of love
in their purest form
despite my wishes and desires
it’s just you
who you are
that i adore

he longs to hold her
to stroke her hair
as some measure of comfort
to walk with her
down by the water
and listen if she wishes to speak
or share the quiet if she doesn’t
he longs to be there
but feels so far away

sitting
sipping
earbuds plugged
watching people
conversing
movements
****** expressions
but no words
like a silent movie without dialog frames
song changes
i hear a ******
of the conversation
more interesting watching
without hearing
my mind can fill in the blanks that way
with anything i want
something intriguing
something that’s not mundane
something of worth
worthy of attention

when he sees her
he’ll take her hand in his
…home…
bringing the back of her hand to his chest
pressing it against his heart
then letting go
he’ll cup her face in his hands
bringing her lips to his
kissing her softly
so she remembers

you will emerge from this
like the butterfly from its cocoon
and when you flap your wings the waves will be felt
in the lakes upon the moon
sometimes we must endure to learn
and can’t expect the end too soon
but the day will come when your face will shine
like the sun overhead at noon

i’m known as the tortured one
despairing depressed destructive
hiding from the sun
they say that it’s my soul
empty formless void
preventing me from ever being whole

but I contend that it’s my mind
where the troubles have taken root
and as i follow the path step by step
it’s my soul that drives me on
ever renewed and forming the glue
to reunite my self as one

once so pale and lovely
you’ve charred yourself so needlessly
why are you doing this
what are you trying to achieve

your insistence upon beauty
is no more than fallacy
why are you doing this
who do you choose to believe

there’s no other could love you
quite the same
there’s no other who’d love you
just the same
just the same

it's no good
and it's no use
when my expressions of love
are perceived as abuse
of liberty
and the right to decline
but you don't understand
you can be only mine

you told me so
and reassured
that our time would come
and our future assured
now i see
that i was mislead
you killed what's inside
soon one will be dead

there's no path left to take
from this protracted anthesis
nothing left to break
only ill-fitting pieces
as i scrabble to gather them
i know it's no use
the adhesion is lost
and can't be reproduced

you are a rainstorm
pouring from
my heart
my pores
my soul
you are a hailstorm
battering
my ducts
my spirit
my whole
you are the thunder
deafening
my voice
my thoughts
my dreams
you are the lightning
incinerate
my eyes
my love
my screams

and we said we'd lay together
in the rain
now i lie alone
in the rain
in the rain
washing away

i'm full of scars
cuts and abrasions
cannulas and needles
they're sticking me
pushing my mind
to pharmaceutical limits
losing myself along the way
they have their agenda
and will have their say
but i know there's another way
engage the grey
there's more to this conspiracy
and i am the rover
send me to mars
better yet, venus
just me and a few
we'll send word if we want
you to join us

**** the cutesy ****
i want you to cry
i want you to see the life
that tears the rest of us apart
to break down the façade
and see what’s really real
feel what you really feel
and let yourself fall apart
your molten components
will somehow reassemble
and you’ll feel it again
and again
and again

it’s all that there is
we just paint our colours on top
so we can smile
and get on with things
things that don’t matter
things that aren’t real
that are gone in a moment
like a ******* high
but we break ourselves for them
ever crawl toward them
all the while denying
what is there and so real

love lives in the dark
that's where it grows
it breathes and twists
until it dawns upon your horizon
you shield your eyes
dazzled by the brightness
perplexed and uncertain
wondering at the origin
love shadows you
attached in ways you cannot see
observe it for some clarity
on your own movements
just observe
without distraction

once it would have mattered
now so insignificant
you'd no interest in sharing at one time
and then the moment went
interest waned with your disdain
the detachment that you chose
there's nothing here to be shared
return to your repose

there are paths

that we know

with our familiarity

we set off surefooted

toward our known destination

then as dusk settles in

we begin to doubt

to wonder

the markers and signposts

appear to have shifted

perhaps tampered with

and our assurance dwindles

replaced by confusion

unsettling in the fog

questions arise to which we believed

we already had the answers

and what was known becomes lost

along with

our selves