oh what is it that i love about people?
not people, him to be exact;
a day pass by and another week come closer to my existence,

i keep reminding myself,
that it is a fleeting moment,
i need to find a flaw on you, for me to find closure on myself,
so i, would not fall in another trap and another game of mine,

a week pass by, and a new month greets my eyes,
i am still pondering on how and what did i fall for, in you?
is it by interlocking our eyes while we share our laughter,
or is it the comfort that you gave me while making conversation to me?

oh once more, i have made a fool out of myself,
to fall for someone at a first sight? absurd!
but i know, fate would not let us meet again sooner,
however now, i am missing you still,
and i will bury this feeling inside my grave.

oh please god,
forbid me from feeling dejected,
from the way I see it,
I am slaughtering myself,
skin by skin, layer by layer,
without a call of mercy,
deep inside my chambers of Heart,
so never again;
I would bear
any agonising pain,
that would take the life of me.

i want to be loved
i want to be held
when no one’s watching
or a million crowds staring
i want my love to be seen
and i want to be loved seen

i want the moon to be the witness of the night
when i am crying
i want the sun to be the witness of the day
when i am shining
i want the flowers to be the witness of our love
when i am growing

i want to be loved,
i wanted and i want,
but still, it slips through my fingers because i couldn’t have it.

if only tears can talk,
maybe it can speak for the things
that i shut myself for.

i feel like if i am really vulnerable,
i would actually try doing something that isnt so me,
i would try all the ***** i despised,
drugs, smoke, sell myself, and back to self-harm again even,
i would actually do it,
but in the back of my mind,
i could see a version of me,
being disappointed of myself,
when they found out,
their faces of disgust and disappointment,
i would rather die in a second than seeing that;
or am i the only who are just expecting too much?

i always feel the urge for people to understand me,
so, they wont misunderstand me,
in a way i feel like im being eaten up alive and ridiculed,
but also;
it’s not their fault for not understanding,
because i also realize,
i did nothing in my power to understand them.

i am too full of loves,
even though i give it for free to lavish,
but still;
i am too full of loves.

time is indeed cruel,
it passed and it passed,
not a second late,
and not a second early,
time is indeed cruel,
because then i wouldn’t lost you.

i don’t care if I lost myself,
for you to search yourself;



but i do owe an apology,
do i?

now, i’m one with the wind
because im no longer a person.

she screamed my name so loud,
never once i felt my world crumbled,
i don’t know whether it’s terror or anger that i felt,
because in that eyes,
i can clearly see,
that her hate is bigger than love,
that her hate is louder than her voice,
just because I simply was late to her calling.

in my next life,
i want to be a man,
not because i have more benefits in patriarchal social,
maybe that’s one thing,
but no;
i simply want to experience being loved by women as a man,
because that is the real privilege.

"I like your eyes",
I know in fact he did not,
because deep in my brown iris,
all he could see is himself,
and he likes it,
so much.

“why dont you ever give us your opinion?”
opinions? MY opinions?
why would I even bother?
when my voice wont even resonate through your ears,
and my words wont even be enough to reach your brain,
including your eyes,
your eyes were looking through mine,
though in fact you’re not digesting my words, but yours.

by the time you feel regret,
your cries has no meaning,
and your victories will gain nothing.

everything starts to have meaning,
when it’s already gone.

in another life,
i hope to reincarnate,
as my mother’s mother,
so every day i can tell her,
how pretty she is,
how hardworking she is,
pat her back,
wipe her tears when she is sad,
tell her “it’s alright”,
listen to her stories,
and sing her bedtime lullabies,
because i know it is her first time becoming a mother.

only today,
i have come to realise,
that only love;
can heal and break people.

if you are to be at my funeral,
don’t forget to throw,
any flowers you know,
so;
at least my mom will realise that i’ve lived a good life with people.

i guess,
this is the end,
might not be the end,
but at least deep down,
we knew,
we outgrown each other,
just like the **** outgrown its plant,
and how parasite outgrown its host,
both are harmful,
but us; outgrowing each other?
i think it’s for the best,
for your sanity and mine,
we both did our best,
but letting go was easier than holding on,
at last, i will abide your final goodbye.

we’re bound to fall,
not to fall apart,
because if we fall apart,
it wouldn’t really hurt like this,
we are to bound to fall,
fall out of this relation,
that hurt us the most, even though
we knew that it was going to fall out someday,
still,
we are so eager to go against fate,
knowing it would still hurt,
aren’t we stubborn creatures?
now, we keep on plastering our unhealed wounds,
even though each day, new unhealed wounds were made.

i was feeling empty,
not like an empty can,
but something,
more emptier than a can,
like a void,
or an endless tunnel,
where there’s no hope of returning back,
or more like a black hole,
where there’s no end,
and no guarantee of surviving,
i am empty.

parallel line?
no, we were always the perpendicular line,
two line that intercepts each other,
a paradoxical line that makes no sense of both,
but yet still together in all idleness,
just like us;
we intercept with each other’s life,
existing along the interception,
but; at the wrong time,
and at the wrong axis where you and i,
now absolutely detest each other,
but still we’ll be together,
living against the interception,
because we will always be;
a perpendicular line.

eyes widen,
tears fallen,
smile faded,
hands trembled,
knees weaken
"there's no...no way that's him?
the one that collapsed onto my arm?
from 3 years ago?"


he looked into my eyes with confusion
and said, "are you okay miss?"

am I?
am I supposed to be okay right now?
how can he forget about me,
I get it if it's anyone else,
but me?
who is he?
no.. more like, what is he?

loving you,
is like playing with fire,
the closer I am,
the more I burn,
the farther I am,
the colder you act towards me,
but still I love you.

“hey i heard about you..th-“
“yeah i also heard that you won’t shut the **** up”

Every time i walk past a mirror,
i notice something’s following me,
even when the sun is bright,
or even when the moon is dim,
it was my own darkness following me.

oh, my dear child,
do not cry,
do not whimper,
do not even flinch
fret not the fire isn't coming,
fret not,
the earth is still revolving,
fret not,
your father will die one day.

parallel or lateral,
there was always you,
at one point,
from one axis,
to another axis,
where I am not sure if you even exist.

i think i’m going to take a break,
from writing,
as if i’ve been writing for too long,

well,
until i fall in love again with writing,
i will keep writing,
as if my pen won't run out of ink,
and my fingers won't stop typing.

welcome aboard,
a tough ride of a slump!

i do believe in miracle,
how can i not?
when here i am,
laying on my sofa,
thinking of my existence,
while writing this,
when someone could be at the brink of death;
but i also don’t believe in miracle,
i mean how can i not?
when i was stranded at the side of the road,
waving for someone,
when i all hear is sounds of toad,
thinking “oh there should be at least someone or anyone!”,
well,
i tell you what,
i guess miracle can be achieved if you believe in what you believed,
confusing?
think again,
all these paths to your growth,
how much miracles have passed?
right?