the birds outside were getting loud,
so loud that i was willing to feed them
with worms that formed on my skin.
pink, red, brown worms on my thighs -

they can have it.

i woke up this morning
with cyanide in my eyes,
ghosts between my teeth,
and the devil in my stomach.
i looked at the clock
and it read 16:34.
though i slept for 18 hours
it felt like i hadn't slept in 18 days.
i was trying to get up
but the blankets were wrapped
around my neck,
choking me,
and my pillow
was stifling air from my lungs.
my sheets calmed me down
and told me
that 25 lines of shakespeare
were too much to memorize anyway.

we sit over tree trunks
and bury ourselves six feet
under the layers of shadows in our heads.
the lightbulbs in our pupils
once shined so bright
that they've blackened,
but we've had them ******* into our minds
for so long that we're scared
to replace them.

i'm swirling the galaxies in my ***** mug of tea
while i'm watching you wish you could become
as small as the morning pills
that the nurse dropped into your hand.
you're counting the calories of hunger
while i'm sticking fingers down my throat,
and we're wishing we could become so thin
that we could slip into the cracks
of the asphalt beneath our feet.

we're sitting in adjacent beds of flowers
in the middle of the road
and i'm laughing at the way
geraniums form on your tongue
as you savor the accompanying taste
of the honey-covered apples you kept in your pockets.
we sit under mushrooms with calligraphy pens,
ink freckles adorning our knees
and our hair wet with tears from old lovers
who left clouds hanging above our heads.

if you and i can look past the differences
between brownies and spiders,
we can look past the thoughts
of button pins and stomach acid.
together, we will make our own rainbows
out of rose water mist
and the light bulbs we finally replaced.
we will sew stars and heart-shaped leaves
onto bow ties and blankets and basketballs
for the day we play four-square with our little sisters.

are you ready?

her smiles brought enough joy to make the sun rise;
her hair was the night sky with occasional caramel streaks
and there were endless fields of sunflowers in her eyes.
her voice was liquid silk that filled the doubtful abyss,
but should you anger her would start a storm, yet still,
at the end of the day,
she'll come into your room to tuck you in and give you a good night kiss.

the wind laughed with us as we made silly faces
at the ghosts under my bed and the monsters in my closet,
she pulled them out and filled herself into the empty spaces.
the ocean waves sang symphonies as we ostensibly
walked along trails of light and picked apples in the midnight city.
the snow whispered as we taught ourselves ballet,
we splashed into puddles of pearls as if we were mermaids;
we were our own superheroes that saved the day.
the leaves on the trees fluttered as we cut up sundresses and skirts
for my glowing red bear and princess barbie dolls
that danced in the rain and rolled around in the dirt.
the ladybugs cheered as we watched movies under a blanket of stars,
we ate cake and giggled on a bed of light in the dark,
and before she left for the night,
she slipped a handful of quarters into my hand and tucked her orchids into my arm.

there came a time when her headlights faded;
her own ghosts and monsters took over and left her jaded.
i couldn't tell, between the hospital gowns and jackson-pratt drains,
if she would get better, because remembering her pain
could possibly be my only memories of her that really remain.
the monsters carried her away, their stomps leaving the world,
my world, tilted;
and as i stumbled, i awakened a once-placid cumulonimbus.
the rain seeped through my umbrella and her orchids wilted.

the monsters felt sorry and took her to a kingdom of golden clouds.
they gave her wings and breathed harp strums into her lungs
and her breast
and her liver
and she suddenly emulated the sun and that made the monsters proud.
from the kingdom above, she looks down on my father and my two little brothers.

and though it feels like was all just a dream,
the woman that loved me the most was my mother.